She blamed all on me and left me, but I still love her

[soulmate777]

Hi all, I will try to make it short, I have met my girl at job and we fill in love from first sight, but I couldn't approach her because I was in a relationship, for a whole month she flirt and chased me and couldn't hold her self, than 1st the girl broke up with me and I actually was happy because I will finally go to my real love, the one I can't talk to, cuz I am not a cheating person.

 

She told me sorry to chase you, and I was like I no, I would have came to you but I was in a relationship and now that it's over I am here.

 

in just 2 days it happened so fast we was kissing, first time in my life I like the kissing, first time I like a smell of a women and be addicted to it, first mutual orgams "sorry for much details just gotta let it all out", I loved everything about her, her good and bad sides, she have a rough life so I was helping as much as I can, we shared money, we shared love, we shared friendship, we shared every little thing that happen through the day, for 3 years she couldn't go a day without me and same for me, we was so addicted to each other that sometimes we fight and she hangup I end up calling and being sorry, same for her, we just cant' separate, I can't bear her crying I would cry too, she would cry when I do, and we always end up together, we had lot of memories and I believed she is my soulmate.

 

She was so much scared of falling for love with me she tried to find a new guy, it didn't work for her and I found out, I called it off, but she begged and pleaded and I gave her a second chance 1st cuz I love her, 2nd cuz I trust that she will stop talking to him and trust that she love me, than afterwords she would tell me anything that a guy tells her, I would tell her anything a girl tells me, we was so much honest.

 

I proofed to her that I am not playing her around and engaged her on first year, she was so happy and excited, she even bough some stuff for our home.

 

Later on war happened in my country, I couldn't get a job, I got so sick and she had to travel, I promised that if she travel I will follow, but many changes happened and I told her to get back here and that I have found a job which is true and not a lie, I paid her tickets and bring her here and she stayed at a friend house.

 

Now guess what, the guy that promised me the job told me its not the same, and she misunderstood and though I lied, I even talked to the guy in front of her and she still don't believe.

 

She started helping her friend out at making cookies for birthdays and marriages and she got so much stressed with that job, and I missed her so much and kept calling, and she tells me I am busy leave me alone, I didn't understand and I made a mistake, I was rude, I treatened her to leave, but I swear to god that's not what I meant in my heart, I was just trying to get her attention, I just wanted respect, I wanted her to speak polite.

 

I kept on pushing her and doing stupid things like telling my family to talk to her, than she told me to just **** off and never look back and that's its my loss.

 

I fallen apart, the women I love the most, the women I gave my heart, my pride, my time and everything, don't trust me anymore.

 

I apologized, I bought her gifts, I asked to be friends I cried, I begged and pleaded, she asked me don't push me, let me decide on my own, I might come back but give me space, I was so scared that if I give her space she will forget me, she was like I wont forget you but you might forget me, I said no I will never do, I couldn't give her space.

 

So after some time I decided to leave her alone for a while, let her think, let her see life, she is 22 and I am 29, I was like maybe she need to learn how to leave alone, but I want to help her, I told her if you need anything just let me know, she refuse my help, she tells me she hates me, and that I lied and was rude, but I didn't realize until she left.

 

I prayed to god everyday, I improved my self, I told her some stuff I hide from her in the past, I really changed but she don't believe me.

 

She told me if you changed than give me space, I gave her space for 4 days than I contacted her to ask how is she, but she push me and was rude, I didn't like it, I don't deserve that, I want her to understand that I was begging is because I love her, I never begged a women, I never cried to a woman before, I never engaged a woman or planned marriage before, all past relationships was childplay, I was never attracted to a women like that, for her too, she told me many times I am her first love, she did everything for me to proof her love and I did too, we was so happy, we laught and kiss on the phone everyday, she had my picture on her phone as a wallpaper and me too, she named me my husband, and I named her my wife on the phone.

 

I want her back, I feel that if I move on it will be a betray to her, I want her to know that I am here to give her a chance, because I can't take this anymore, I want to move on so I don't do stupid stuff.

 

I was in NC for 2 days than I decided to tell her what's going on with me, I was in the hospital today for tumor removal "I was hiding from her the tumor to not make her sad, that was stupid but I cared for her more than my self", I sent her begging before the operation asking to hear her voice, I was so scared to die, I wanted to hear her voice for the last time, anyway after the operation I called her and I told her sorry to make my self so cheap, that I love her but don't want to be in the relationship and don't want her back, just want her to be happy and respect me and not treat me badly cuz she humiliated me so much, there was times where I cry and she laught and tell me go on I am enjoying, and she said that after all she is a good person, she respect me and I am dear to her, and I shouldn't worry now about the relationship and break up and all, and just focus on my health and to stop thinking.

 

I know that she is a good person, I don't know why she act like she is not, I don't know why she hate me, she told me that she hate me and had no feelings for me, but one time she told me that she love me and don't want me in her life anymore and hangup and start ignoring, I really don't know what to do.

 

My only choice and plan now after pushing her that far for a whole month, is to go NC and heal my self, for me and her, I hope she realize in that time if she still want me or no, I will be waiting for her to come back during NC and if she don't by that time I will be at least stable in my head, cuz she took my pride and dignity, why? during the relationshop it didn't matter if we begged each other we agreed that our pride means nothing compared to our love, during our relationship she told me that if someday she got weak and crashed, I shouldn't let her go, and should wait for her, and she promised me she never gets weak and to hang on to the relationship, I guess now she is dumping me to find money or something because I am broke, but it's not my fault.

 

Anyway I fixed some of the things she hated, I got a job, I planned to travel, and I got the money, and I told her that I did everything and she said no I don't want anything anymore, just give me space, let me think and decide.

 

What do you think, I really love her and wish the best for her, but I can't live without her, its eating me inside, I wanna let her go if that makes her happy, but at the same time I eat her breadcrumbs and live in fantasy of reunion, she even told me that god wants this to happen, and that if we are meant to be we will be and that i should carry on with my life and have faith, but this comes from the person that didn't stand going a day without me.

 

BTW she is having kind of GIGS so I wanna let her see what's out there, at the same time, what if she forgets me?

 

Back to NC day 1 will be tomorrow, and guess what, despite the pain in my body I still only think of her, I deserve someone to take care of me, she is so cold to me, she just don't care.

 

Thanks for hearing me out if you reached this line, I will give her a chance during NC, if she doesn't come I will take the rest of my pride and walk, I hope time heal me, I don't want to forget her for her own good, but if she is late I will, cuz I want to carry on.

 

"Just googled soulmate777 and found dating sites, I assure you that's not me lol, I just made up this name for this site to be incognito, I come from somewhere in north Africa where dating sites doesn't exist" I am really a one person man, I don't play girls around, and this is what hurt me the most cuz I had good intends on her, I even refused to take her virginty until marriage, cuz I told her that she is not cheap to me and she is precious as a diamond, if I did she would have been the one following me now, cuz in this country woman with no virginity don't marry, but I don't regret, cuz I am good and did the good thing, and I will keep my intends good if I ever heal and move on to my true love which I can't imagine now, or in case I be back to her.

 

Just to let you know, I don't say it's all her fault, its my fault too, I admit my mistakes and would never ever do them in my life with or without her, I am a new man, a really new man but she missed it, she should have complained and made me understand, maybe she did but I was so stupid to listen, we took each other for granted I never seen this coming, maybe she will be back, and I will treat her better, maybe this was just my wake up call to know how valuable she is in the future, but now I am the doormate, no more, back to NC.

Edited July 26, 2016 by soulmate777

[soulmate777]

So I have the chance of dating, but I feel like cheating her, she said maybe we be back together and sometimes she say no, she is kind of confused and I made another thread, and she is humiliating me, so I am going NC, I was wondering if I can innocently date and will dating help me move on? I have a girl in mind that is picking on me, I don't like her cuz every woman looks ugly to me now except my ex, and they all seem different and I don't know, not marriage material, I am not a dating person, in my whole life I just fell in love and that's it, but my last one is the first true love and strongest and most compatible, deep inside I feel a connection, I feel she will go stray and come back to me, she made it clear that she want to take care of some issues, but I don't want to live in dreams and false hope and breadcrumbs, cuz she might just find someone, and maybe he be better than me, in that case I wish her good life but I would be a mess and probably die, I want to save my self, I lost my self to her, all i care is her, you could kill me if it means she can live, so I want my self back!!! this is wrong, I was never this desperate and cheap pridless men, I always had 3 4 chicks following me cuz I look good, smell good, smart and romantic and I never ever date or cheat!!

I was the greatest challange cuz I was so loyal to her!

 

please will dating help me? I went to the point of suicide but thankfully suicide helpline keep me company when I feel like doing it.

 

She even told me if I really love her than I should live for her, and fight for her "biggest piecae of breadcrump I ate, made me happy for few days".

 

please people pray for me, and I really pray for you all and wish you get back with your EX, the sooner the better and never break up, do wish me good luck and give me some praying, I have nobody, my family and friends don't want me to talk about this anymore, all they say is move on and stop bothering us with this subject.

 

Regards

[soulmate777]

they say every situation depend, she dumped me but well she still talk to me from time to time, but it's me who initiate and she is mostly cold and pushy, and all I did is beg and plead.

 

So I figured out something, stop, yes I stopped, and I decided to go one way contact, I want her back, how does it work?

 

- I wont contact her at all, even if it takes years in this case it's a no contact.

- She is getting ego boosts to move on when I contact her, that will fade and she will come for more, when she does I wont ignore, I will be short and breaf and to the point.

- I wont panic when she send me how are you, and wont get false hopes.

- after I move on and if she is not back I will initiate the first talk, asking how she is doing "at that point I wont be wanting her, but I will promise my self to do it and try to get her back".

- I will be secretly moving on, for my own sake and hers, she needs someone dependent and not needy.

 

So most of people go full NC to heal faster and losing all chance with their GF, sometimes the GF gets back but most of the time she will think it was right to leave you cuz you don't care and will also move on faster.

 

Do not panic if she contact you, be strong, remember that healing is something inside you, something she can't stop by contacting you or feeding you breadcrumbs, don't fall to the trap and be all over her every time she speak.

 

Be short, she ask how are you, say I am doing great thank you and shut the **** up, if she treated you bad and you begged and she humiliated you, be a man again.

 

Don't send questions, don't be like "how are you?" cuz if she doesn't answer, you will be in panic mode, defend your self, let her do the talking, you do the answering only and preferably SMS, avoid her voice it's what's addicting you.

 

avoid contact in places, don't go out with her, be busy, even if you are just laying in your home and crying don't show her that.

 

Don't post sad status on FB, you wont get her back with pitty, I lost her this way, I was so stupid she will think oh my poor guy is hurting let me make him feel better like I used to be before, a BIG NO, she no longer care, she would have felt bad for you and be with you when she cared, but she lost care and love for you, if she cared she wouldn't have dumped you, remember that the dumper do it from a selfish prospective, nobody leaves you for you, if they did than they should get back to you cuz they know that the best for you is being with you when they see how misurable you are, but this wont work, its fantasy, be a man, hold your horses, calm down, if you don't get her in a month, you can get her in years if she is your true love, but first to get her back you actually need to move on, I know it's hard, but this is my plan, I will move on, it's a win win, if she came back I will be her man, and i know that I can love her again in the future if she come back even after I move on, cuz I am not a jerk and still care for her, and still wish her good life.

 

Be the man, she will be your woman, be a doormate and she will step on you.

 

if she have a BF dont panic, plus that's why the one way NC is about, you wont even know if she do, and you don't need to know and you don't care.

 

If she meant to be she will be, so don't sit down and wait, actually answer her, but never initiate unless its something important, and remember to avoid talking about relationship and if she ask you about it just be breif.

 

I am in no position to give advice, if I was an expert I wouldn't have lost her, but I have learned some lessons, and I think this would work in my case.

 

She is giving me signs that I understand, her signs mean "Move on, live your life, when life ****s me up, I will be back to you, cuz you are my first love, if I don't come back, you will be happy". she is making me understand from the signs, that she don't need a doormate, that I deserve better, maybe a better version of her after few years? or maybe someone new, meanwhile I need to work hard and build a future, and first of all move on and love my self again, cuz I really do hate my self right now.

Edited July 26, 2016 by soulmate777