legallyblondish Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 I've been with my high school sweetheart for 5 years now. We've had our ups and downs, as all relationships do and we've been talking about getting married for the last two years. Sometimes, though, I feel like I'm the only one that puts in any effort anymore. For example, last week was my birthday, it was on a Friday and I let him know that we could celebrate any day of the weekend. I'm not super into my birthday, but I agreed that we could go out for dinner, because I always insist on doing something for his birthday. Even when we don't have much money, we do something. I'd had a really bad day at work and was pretty upset when I came home. He hadn't planned anything. In fact, he asked me to pick a restaurant when I got home and I fell asleep while he scrolled through Yelp. I was really tired and had a headache so I made him dinner and went to watch a movie in bed. I came out to get water and he was crying because he felt bad that he hadn't done anything. I told him it was fine and that we had the whole weekend to do something special and that even a note in my lunchbox would have made the day special, but he did nothing. The weekend went by and nothing. His parents came to visit because they were in the area, but that was all. He used to be really great about the little things, but lately he's fallen short. We're living together until I go back to school in August and I cook and clean for him and his roommate, but when he gets home he pretty much gets straight on his computer. I feel really lonely, even when he's around. He's really great about everything else: he's supportive of my goals and he listens when I talk to him. I just would really like him to put in some effort especially because I feel like I try really hard to make him happy. Am I being stupid and ungrateful?
takenawayfrom Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 You should be telling him how you feel, not us. edit: If you don't think you're being stupid or ungrateful then chances are you're not. Everyone goes through rough patches, its how you deal with them, and if you think its worth working through them that makes the difference. 1
Gaeta Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 It sounds almost like something else is going in his life. Does he have problems? with work? money?
Redhead14 Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 I've been with my high school sweetheart for 5 years now. We've had our ups and downs, as all relationships do and we've been talking about getting married for the last two years. Sometimes, though, I feel like I'm the only one that puts in any effort anymore. For example, last week was my birthday, it was on a Friday and I let him know that we could celebrate any day of the weekend. I'm not super into my birthday, but I agreed that we could go out for dinner, because I always insist on doing something for his birthday. Even when we don't have much money, we do something. I'd had a really bad day at work and was pretty upset when I came home. He hadn't planned anything. In fact, he asked me to pick a restaurant when I got home and I fell asleep while he scrolled through Yelp. I was really tired and had a headache so I made him dinner and went to watch a movie in bed. I came out to get water and he was crying because he felt bad that he hadn't done anything. I told him it was fine and that we had the whole weekend to do something special and that even a note in my lunchbox would have made the day special, but he did nothing. The weekend went by and nothing. His parents came to visit because they were in the area, but that was all. He used to be really great about the little things, but lately he's fallen short. We're living together until I go back to school in August and I cook and clean for him and his roommate, but when he gets home he pretty much gets straight on his computer. I feel really lonely, even when he's around. He's really great about everything else: he's supportive of my goals and he listens when I talk to him. I just would really like him to put in some effort especially because I feel like I try really hard to make him happy. Am I being stupid and ungrateful? We're living together until I go back to school in August and I cook and clean for him and his roommate, but when he gets home he pretty much gets straight on his computer. I feel really lonely, even when he's around. -- Stop acting like a wife, because you aren't his wife. Do your share, etc., but don't do all the cooking and cleaning. Go out more, spend time with friends make a little space, give him a chance to "miss you". I was really tired and had a headache so I made him dinner -- Really, you've had a bad day, had a headache and YOU made him dinner???? I would have fed myself, if I was hungry, and went to watch a movie. I feel like I try really hard to make him happy -- It should be balanced. If you are putting in more effort, start putting in less effort and tell him how you are feeling. If he hears you and cares about you enough, he'll do it. Not start crying and putting you on a guilt trip for something he could/should have taken the lead on. Talk to him calmly, respectfully and explain how you are feeling. -- and he listens when I talk to him. -- Give him some time to demonstrate that he understands and wants you to be happy. If he falls short, you move on. You shouldn't be feeling lonely in a relationship. Am I being stupid and ungrateful? -- For what? He apparently hasn't been giving you enough to be grateful for anything. 2
Gaeta Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 I was really tired and had a headache so I made him dinner -- Really, you've had a bad day, had a headache and YOU made him dinner???? I would have fed myself, if I was hungry, and went to watch a movie. I feel like I try really hard to make him happy I thought our mothers had battled this one for us in the 70s. Here we are 45 years later telling 20-ish years old women to stop being men's servants. OP let me give you the best piece of advise my mother gave me when my last relationship ended. Like you I did everything for him, cooked, cleaned, even ironed and laid out his clothes for him in the morning. I didn't spoon fed him and that's about it. My mom told me Gaeta, men don't want to sleep with their mothers. 1
Author legallyblondish Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 I only cook and clean because my job is an unpaid internship until I go back to school and I can't afford to pay rent or for groceries. I'm not really a wife-type. I'm the ambitious one in the relationship and he understands that when I go to law school next year he'll have to pick up a lot of the slack. And honestly I don't do much else during the day while he's at work. My friends are all at home for the break, so I can't really hang our with them. Also, I have chronic migraines, so functioning through a headache is really no big deal.
Redhead14 Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 I only cook and clean because my job is an unpaid internship until I go back to school and I can't afford to pay rent or for groceries. I'm not really a wife-type. I'm the ambitious one in the relationship and he understands that when I go to law school next year he'll have to pick up a lot of the slack. And honestly I don't do much else during the day while he's at work. My friends are all at home for the break, so I can't really hang our with them. Also, I have chronic migraines, so functioning through a headache is really no big deal. Well, you are at least working too hard at this on an emotional level too and he's not matching that. I'm the ambitious one in the relationship and he understands that when I go to law school next year he'll have to pick up a lot of the slack. -- He's not showing you that attitude right now . . . Just because you are at home, doesn't mean he/they don't have to participate, especially when you aren't feeling well. And, you've been with him for 5 years, are the ambitious one and he can't have you stay with him for a couple of months during the summer without expecting grocery money/rent????? I only cook and clean because my job is an unpaid internship until I go back to school and I can't afford to pay rent or for groceries. I'm not really a wife-type. I'm the ambitious one in the relationship and he understands that when I go to law school next year he'll have to pick up a lot of the slack. And honestly I don't do much else during the day while he's at work. My friends are all at home for the break, so I can't really hang our with them. Also, I have chronic migraines, so functioning through a headache is really no big deal-- You are minimizing . . . If you don't talk to him now and get things on the right track, it's not going to be any better when you are in law school and the pressure ramps up. If you intend to be with the man for the rest of your life, you've got to address these things as they come up or else they just fester.
smackie9 Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 He is not a mind reader....you need to COMMUNICATE with him. 1
Zippy2000 Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 He hadn't planned anything. In fact, he asked me to pick a restaurant when I got home and I fell asleep while he scrolled through Yelp. I was really tired and had a headache so I made him dinner and went to watch a movie in bed. I came out to get water and he was crying because he felt bad that he hadn't done anything. I told him it was fine You told him it was fine? No, its not. You need to communicate to him more effectively and not reassuring him for his failures.
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