Gaeta Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 I will learn from this, and I won't let it happen again!! I know I need to modify some things in my behavior in order to have a healthy relationship. I am not trying to make it about me, I am just saying that she is a really good girl, hard to find. I suggest you join a group for anger management. This is bigger than you, you can't tackle this on your own. This is a huge gift you will be offering yourself that will serve you all of your life, please consider it. 1
Author Mario2109 Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 I am also very interested in hearing what was behind his anger concerning her paying the bill. Stupidity? Immaturity? I get it, I need to change!! I acted like a jerk, and I don't have any arguments to defend myself. You are completely right
Author Mario2109 Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 I suggest you join a group for anger management. This is bigger than you, you can't tackle this on your own. This is a huge gift you will be offering yourself that will serve you all of your life, please consider it. It is not bigger than me, I can control it by myself.. I just need to check myself and modify my behavior accordingly
Gaeta Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 Stupidity? Immaturity? I get it, I need to change!! I acted like a jerk, and I don't have any arguments to defend myself. You are completely right No that is not what I want to hear. When you realized she had paid the bill, what triggered anger in you? shame? you felt powerless? you felt she was in control? what feeling generated anger in you?
Gaeta Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 It is not bigger than me, I can control it by myself.. I just need to check myself and modify my behavior accordingly They all say that. Good luck.
elaine567 Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 Yes, it could easily be machismo. I grew up with that motto "a man’s responsibility to provide for, protect, and defend his family." My dad has always been the head of the family. However, I know that times has changed and that things are not like that anymore. I still acted like that though, which makes it even harder to understand Well at least it is a cultural thing and that on some level is very understandable, as you grew up with that, and it is probably well ingrained. Maybe you should explain that to her. Better that, than it being some inexplicable anger bursting out of nowhere, as can happen in some men.
Author Mario2109 Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 No that is not what I want to hear. When you realized she had paid the bill, what triggered anger in you? shame? you felt powerless? you felt she was in control? what feeling generated anger in you? I didn't feel powerless, shame, or that she was in control. I just wanted her to let me at least pay half of the bill. Even though she did something really good and kind, the bill was kinda expensive, you know? It was not fair for her to pay the whole thing
BaileyB Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 My boyfriend and I split the bills... One night, he pays. The next time, I pay. He has no problems doing that. We both work, make good money, have bills. We had a discussion early on and I asked how he felt about this - what did he want to do? He simply said, we both have commitments, bills to pay - it works for me and I appreciate the fact that you are willing to do this. He still buys me flowers, gifts, etc... That makes me feel special and I think he enjoys doing that too. As a woman, I don't want to feel beholden to anyone any more than you don't like the feeling you had when she paid the bill. It's about communication and respect - both were missing on the night in question for you. Just offering - there are ways that you can work it out such that you still feel like "the man" but it is more fair/respectful to both partners.
Author Mario2109 Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 Well at least it is a cultural thing and that on some level is very understandable, as you grew up with that, and it is probably well ingrained. Maybe you should explain that to her. Better that, than it being some inexplicable anger bursting out of nowhere, as can happen in some men. Exactly!! I was told that men should always provide, in fact my mom raised us while my dad was working and bringing food to the table. However, it has changed lately since we all got that it's not the same. I have to say that it's not something that I'll change in a day, it takes time, but I am definitely aware of it.
Author Mario2109 Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 My boyfriend and I split the bills... One night, he pays. The next time, I pay. He has no problems doing that. We both work, make good money, have bills. We had a discussion early on and I asked how he felt about this - what did he want to do? He simply said, we both have commitments, bills to pay - it works for me and I appreciate the fact that you are willing to do this. He still buys me flowers, gifts, etc... That makes me feel special and I think he enjoys doing that too. As a woman, I don't want to feel beholden to anyone any more than you don't like the feeling you had when she paid the bill. It's about communication and respect - both were missing on the night in question for you. Just offering - there are ways that you can work it out such that you still feel like "the man" but it is more fair/respectful to both partners. Hey and that's perfect!! That's how it's supposed to be. However, you guys have talked it over and agreed on the same thing. I have no problem doing that, the thing is that she did not let me even talk about it, it was pretty expensive, you know? Even though I told her to at least let me pay half, she did not care and paid. In fact, the first 4 dates we did that, I paid the most expensive things (dinner, movie tickets, etc) and she paid things like mini golf, drinks and popcorn at the movies. It's not like I was paying everything and not giving her a chance to pay
Author Mario2109 Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 They all say that. Good luck. Why you don't like me? hahah
Redhead14 Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 Hey and that's perfect!! That's how it's supposed to be. However, you guys have talked it over and agreed on the same thing. I have no problem doing that, the thing is that she did not let me even talk about it, it was pretty expensive, you know? Even though I told her to at least let me pay half, she did not care and paid. In fact, the first 4 dates we did that, I paid the most expensive things (dinner, movie tickets, etc) and she paid things like mini golf, drinks and popcorn at the movies. It's not like I was paying everything and not giving her a chance to pay So what? It was still a nice thing to do and didn't warrant anger. Let's not go back to minimizing and losing sight of the bigger picture here.
BaileyB Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 That's good. Really good! Yes, at some point you have the conversation and it just, works itself out. But, you hadn't... So, when she was generous and insisted that she take the bill, next time just be gracious and say "thank you." Lesson learned. Then, have that discussion and things will be a little more clear. As an independent, professional woman... Just know that it's hard for us to accept this kind of generosity from a man too - cut us some slack too;) And yes, it didn't warrant anger or passive aggressive behavior - which is he more important lesson for you to learn here... 1
Author Mario2109 Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 That's good. Really good! Yes, at some point you have the conversation and it just, works itself out. But, you hadn't... So, when she was generous and insisted that she take the bill, next time just be gracious and say "thank you." Lesson learned. Then, have that discussion and things will be a little more clear. As an independent, professional woman... Just know that it's hard for us to accept this kind of generosity from a man too - cut us some slack too;) And yes, it didn't warrant anger or passive aggressive behavior - which is he more important lesson for you to learn here... Exactly!! We hadn't had that conversation and I acted immature which did not help the cause. I should've said thank you and just let her know what I thought it was fair and we would definitely work things out. I am not making excuses for my behavior, I am fully aware of my mistake. I have to learn and not make the same mistake next time
biker23 Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 You basically need to give her space to decide if she can handle it. But be prepared to use it as a learning and evaluate yourself. It will sting because you caused it and it was a stupid move. You want a 2nd chance, but in my experience that is difficult. I didnt read all of this, but it sounded like it was not a quick issue...it drug on after the 'fight' with silent treatment...thats a big deal, not a small slip up.
Author Mario2109 Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 You basically need to give her space to decide if she can handle it. But be prepared to use it as a learning and evaluate yourself. It will sting because you caused it and it was a stupid move. You want a 2nd chance, but in my experience that is difficult. I didnt read all of this, but it sounded like it was not a quick issue...it drug on after the 'fight' with silent treatment...thats a big deal, not a small slip up. That's exactly what I am doing, just giving her space and let her decide. Chances are that I'm not getting a second shot, I know.. But it does not hurt to wait and see what happens. Yeah and we actually did not fight at all, it was just the two of us getting mad and me giving her the silent treatment which was super immature. I will definitely learn from this
Gaeta Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 I didn't feel powerless, shame, or that she was in control. I just wanted her to let me at least pay half of the bill. Even though she did something really good and kind, the bill was kinda expensive, you know? It was not fair for her to pay the whole thing When you feel anger when you should feel disappointment, frustration, sadness, etc is a red flag that you have anger management problems. What you did, getting mad at her, is not a mistake. Getting mad at a woman for paying the bill is emotional instability. Stop saying you made a mistake. A mistake would have been to not walk her to her car. See the difference! Then again, giving her the silent treatment is not a mistake, it's again emotional instability. It's beyond a mistake.
elaine567 Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 I am not making excuses for my behavior, I am fully aware of my mistake. I have to learn and not make the same mistake next time Now may not be a bad time to evaluate what "machismo" really means to you and how that may impact on your future dating with more modern thinking women. If you think up in advance how she may push your buttons, you may be able to stop such kneejerk reactions and thus you can stay out of "trouble".
Author Mario2109 Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 When you feel anger when you should feel disappointment, frustration, sadness, etc is a red flag that you have anger management problems. What you did, getting mad at her, is not a mistake. Getting mad at a woman for paying the bill is emotional instability. Stop saying you made a mistake. A mistake would have been to not walk her to her car. See the difference! Then again, giving her the silent treatment is not a mistake, it's again emotional instability. It's beyond a mistake. Why are you trying to label me? Just because I gave her the silent treatment, it does not mean that I have anger management problems? I was not yelling or losing control.. She gave me the silent treatment also because she did not talk to me on the way back to her home. So was it a back and forth silent treatment? So does she has anger problems as well?
Gaeta Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 Why are you trying to label me? Just because I gave her the silent treatment, it does not mean that I have anger management problems? I was not yelling or losing control.. She gave me the silent treatment also because she did not talk to me on the way back to her home. So was it a back and forth silent treatment? So does she has anger problems as well? I am going to leave you alone because you don't get it. Please look up anger management. Anger is expressed in may ways without yelling or losing control. It's expressed in little gestures like making people feel they did something wrong, getting upset for trivial things, minimizing circumstances, dismissing other people concerns, giving silent treatment, not accepting when people say no. She was JUSTIFIED to not talk to you on your way home!! She had just paid a huge restaurant bill to do something kind toward you and you got mad at her for it !!! She was stuck with you in the car!! She just wanted to get home!
Author Mario2109 Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 Just to let you guys know!! I just saw her (business related) she doesn't seem hurt or mad at me at all, she was asking stuff like how was my wrist doing (I got kicked playing soccer) she seems totally okay ( I am not saying that she will give me a second chance or that she wants to be with me because most likely she doesn't) but she is definitely not mad at me.. We both acted professional, but I think we are overreacting here, she's not hurt or mad
Redhead14 Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 Just to let you guys know!! I just saw her (business related) she doesn't seem hurt or mad at me at all, she was asking stuff like how was my wrist doing (I got kicked playing soccer) she seems totally okay ( I am not saying that she will give me a second chance or that she wants to be with me because most likely she doesn't) but she is definitely not mad at me.. We both acted professional, but I think we are overreacting here, she's not hurt or mad Well, that may simply be because she knows how to maintain her composure and behavior in a professional environment. It would be inappropriate for her to bring up anything or express her anger in a business setting . . .
Author Mario2109 Posted July 27, 2016 Author Posted July 27, 2016 Well, that may simply be because she knows how to maintain her composure and behavior in a professional environment. It would be inappropriate for her to bring up anything or express her anger in a business setting . . . Is it possible that she might think that I'm hurt because she told me she didn't want a relationship?
Redhead14 Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 Is it possible that she might think that I'm hurt because she told me she didn't want a relationship? Wow, that's a big piece of information you didn't reveal before!!! She may think you're hurt, and I'd say, you are . . . but so be it. That's outside of the business relationship and she's handling it that way and you should too. It's never good to mix business and personal anyway . . . don't stink up the area where you live . . .
Author Mario2109 Posted July 27, 2016 Author Posted July 27, 2016 Wow, that's a big piece of information you didn't reveal before!!! She may think you're hurt, and I'd say, you are . . . but so be it. That's outside of the business relationship and she's handling it that way and you should too. It's never good to mix business and personal anyway . . . don't stink up the area where you live . . . Yeah I said that on the main post!! She told me that a week after the "fight" I'm not hurt because she told me that, I'm like this because I know it's my fault
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