Love, dating!!

July 26, 2016

Let this one go. You've kinda contaminated the scenario and you'll likely be walking on eggshells worrying about this and your possible next misstep. Or, she will be walking on eggshells for the same reason.

Learn from this. Learn how to be gracious and allow a woman to keep things balanced and show her independent, secure, generous side. If you don't want that kind of woman, date women who are more subservient and expect you to do everything.

I don't want gold diggers or women that expect me to do everything!! She was everything I was looking for, but I messed up and I lost my chance.

July 26, 2016

Well yeah you're right!! I could be impatient at times, but not aggressive though.. I wanna get rid of the stupid ego, I don't need it

I said passive-aggressive:

''Denoting a type of behavior or personality characterized by indirect resistance to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, or misplacing important materials.''

You were being passive-aggressive when you gave her the silent treatment. It's all melt together with being controlling.

July 26, 2016

If I can say honestly, even your responses to this thread are somewhat concerning. Lots of talk and quite defensive. IMHO, not really showing sincere and humble accountability for your behavior. I'm not saying this to be unkind. I don't know you, it's just how you come across to me. Take it for what it's worth, and think about how your behavior would be perceived by a woman.

July 26, 2016

I am not a 17 year old kid.. I have had relationships before, I lasted 4 years with one of them and I never, didn't even think about putting my hands on her or anything like that. I am not a violent man in the making, I just messed up big time

Is that what she might be thinking?

Abuse is so much more than just physical. There is emotional and mental abuse. Men who typically have huge egos often overpower their partners mentally and emotionally. This is usually fueled by their own insecurities and fear of losing control. I could go on and on...

And just because you're not a kid or have been in LT relationships where you've never laid a hand on your partner, means nothing. Abused women so often remain in their respective relationships/marriage for YEARS for countless reasons that have nothing to do with being happy.

Again, I'm not accusing you of being an emotionally violent man but you spoke of having a big ego then reacting inappropriately. I'm just saying you might need to check yourself.

July 26, 2016

I don't want gold diggers or women that expect me to do everything!! She was everything I was looking for, but I messed up and I lost my chance.

I think you should spend a little time really thinking about why you reacted the way you did. It was extreme given the situation. Saying, "I messed up" really doesn't address the underlying reason for your reaction.

And, yeah, you may not do this particular thing again because you're conscious of it, but the underlying sentiment/attitude will show up in other ways, on other things.

What is your past dating history? How many and why didn't they progress?

July 26, 2016

If I can say honestly, even your responses to this thread are somewhat concerning. Lots of talk and quite defensive. IMHO, not really showing sincere and humble accountability for your behavior. I'm not saying this to be unkind. I don't know you, it's just how you come across to me. Take it for what it's worth, and think about how your behavior would be perceived by a woman.

I am not being defensive, I actually really appreciate your help and input. I am more than aware of the immature mistake I made, and like I said i truly regret it.. I am being sincere and accepting that I made a huge mistake, I am just seeking some advice and you guys have really helped me with your input

July 26, 2016

I am not being defensive, I actually really appreciate your help and input. I am more than aware of the immature mistake I made, and like I said i truly regret it.. I am being sincere and accepting that I made a huge mistake, I am just seeking some advice and you guys have really helped me with your input

We believe you when you say you regret. What we find unusual is you don't seem interested in exploring why you acted this way. You seem content to just say sh$t happened and she should forgive you. Well no, some sh$t cannot be forgiven.

July 26, 2016

We believe you when you say you regret. What we find unusual is you don't seem interested in exploring why you acted this way. You seem content to just say sh$t happened and she should forgive you. Well no, some sh$t cannot be forgiven.

I second this post.

July 26, 2016

Abuse is so much more than just physical. There is emotional and mental abuse. Men who typically have huge egos often overpower their partners mentally and emotionally. This is usually fueled by their own insecurities and fear of losing control. I could go on and on...

And just because you're not a kid or have been in LT relationships where you've never laid a hand on your partner, means nothing. Abused women so often remain in their respective relationships/marriage for YEARS for countless reasons that have nothing to do with being happy.

Again, I'm not accusing you of being an emotionally violent man but you spoke of having a big ego then reacting inappropriately. I'm just saying you might need to check yourself.

I don't want my ego, I don't want control, I want a second chance!! But I definitely understand why she would not give me one which is why I'm already moving on. She deserves better and she will find better.

I definitely need to check myself and modify any behavior that is affecting me and the people around me. My ego needs to go asap

July 26, 2016

We believe you when you say you regret. What we find unusual is you don't seem interested in exploring why you acted this way. You seem content to just say sh$t happened and she should forgive you. Well no, some sh$t cannot be forgiven.

I am not saying that she should forgive me, I never said that. I would love to have a second chance, is that a bad thing? Like I said she deserves better and I understand why she will not give me a second chance

If I was not interested in exploring why I acted this way, I would not be here opening up and asking for advice.

July 26, 2016

In early dating most are on their best behaviour, the fact you blew up over her paying the bill????

Then gave her the silent treatment (of all things) can never be seen as your "best behaviour"and stuff like that is often a dealbreaker.

Why on earth do you deserve a second chance?

You showed her who you really are and no amount of "being nice" will solve that now.

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse typically employed by people with narcissistic tendencies.
It is designed to
(1) place the abuser in a position of control;
(2) silence the target’s attempts at assertion;
(3) avoid conflict resolution/personal responsibility/compromise; or
(4) punish the target for a perceived ego slight.
Silent Treatment

July 26, 2016

If you read some of the threads on these boards, you will find that the #1 Red Flag for a woman, especially, in an early dating scenario is being with a man who cannot control his anger. And, anger in this situation was a completely and totally inappropriate reaction/response to such a simple/small well-intentioned act of common courtesy. This wreaks of symptoms of a controlling/abusive nature. Yeah, you say it's a one time thing, but she doesn't know that and it's not worth the risk for a woman to sit it out waiting for the next round which may be even more significant.

You cannot unring a bell. If she came here looking for advice, we would tell her to run, not walk.

I don't want to bash you. That's not my intention. My intention is to drive home the significance of this to you. You keep saying you "messed up". That's minimizing it. I haven't heard you say "gosh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare her or seem unappreciative. She didn't deserve that kind of treatment and I will focus on the reason I did that so that I can keep it in check for the future".

I don't know how you delivered your apology, but if it was just a cursory "I'm sorry, I messed up", that's not going to be enough for any woman who has her head in the game. She needs to know you understand the affect it had on her. Otherwise, it's just lip service.

If she continues to see you, you will need to really work on trust with her. It's going to be shaken, for sure. These kinds of things take quite a while to recover from which is why I said you'd both be walking on eggshells.

July 26, 2016

In early dating most are on their best behaviour, the fact you blew up over her paying the bill????
Then gave her the silent treatment (of all things) can never be seen as your "best behaviour"and stuff like that is often a dealbreaker.
Why on earth do you deserve a second chance?
You showed her who you really are and no amount of "being nice" will solve that now.

Yeah I know, I know I messed up i know that I don't deserve a second chance or anything like that. I don't deserve a second chance, I don't deserve her. That doesn't mean that I don't like her, that doesn't mean that I don't think she is awesome, that doesn't mean that I would love to be with her.. You see my point here? Or am I crazy?

July 26, 2016

Do you think you reacted perhaps as you would have done in an old relationship ie a kneejerk reaction.

YOU felt slighted and gave it both barrels, when this girl is NOT your ex. and didn't deserve such an over reaction.

Just a thought.

July 26, 2016

I am not saying that she should forgive me, I never said that. I would love to have a second chance, is that a bad thing? Like I said she deserves better and I understand why she will not give me a second chance

If I was not interested in exploring why I acted this way, I would not be here opening up and asking for advice.

If I was not interested in exploring why I acted this way -- You did not come here because you were interested in exploring WHY you acted that way, you came here looking for advice on how to get a second chance with her. I, for one, would not even attempt to do that because you don't know why you did what you did. You're the only one who can answer that question after some soul searching I'd say.

I would love to have a second chance, is that a bad thing? -- No, not necessarily, but if she did give you a second chance, I'd be kinda wondering about her . . .

July 26, 2016

Yeah I know, I know I messed up i know that I don't deserve a second chance or anything like that. I don't deserve a second chance, I don't deserve her. That doesn't mean that I don't like her, that doesn't mean that I don't think she is awesome, that doesn't mean that I would love to be with her.. You see my point here? Or am I crazy?

You scared the heck out of her but it's still all about you and what you feel and want.

July 26, 2016

I am not being defensive, I actually really appreciate your help and input. I am more than aware of the immature mistake I made, and like I said i truly regret it.. I am being sincere and accepting that I made a huge mistake, I am just seeking some advice and you guys have really helped me with your input

I really hope so. And, I think you've received some good information from this thread on how you are being perceived. I hope you take it to heart and learn from this experience. I wish you all the best.

And, I will second that the number one red flag for women is a man who is very reactive, doesn't control his angry, and is controlling. Women run, don't walk from these guys. If you have this tendency, which it appears by what you've posted that you might, you need to change that before you will find many women who want to be with you.

July 26, 2016

If you read some of the threads on these boards, you will find that the #1 Red Flag for a woman, especially, in an early dating scenario is being with a man who cannot control his anger. And, anger in this situation was a completely and totally inappropriate reaction/response to such a simple/small well-intentioned act of common courtesy. This wreaks of symptoms of a controlling/abusive nature. Yeah, you say it's a one time thing, but she doesn't know that and it's not worth the risk for a woman to sit it out waiting for the next round which may be even more significant.

You cannot unring a bell. If she came here looking for advice, we would tell her to run, not walk.

I don't want to bash you. That's not my intention. My intention is to drive home the significance of this to you. You keep saying you "messed up". That's minimizing it. I haven't heard you say "gosh, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to scare her or seem unappreciative. She didn't deserve that kind of treatment and I will focus on the reason I did that so that I can keep it in check for the future".

I don't know how you delivered your apology, but if it was just a cursory "I'm sorry, I messed up", that's not going to be enough for any woman who has her head in the game. She needs to know you understand the affect it had on her. Otherwise, it's just lip service.

If she continues to see you, you will need to really work on trust with her. It's going to be shaken, for sure. These kinds of things take quite a while to recover from which is why I said you'd both be walking on eggshells.

You are completely right, it was a completely and inappropriate reaction. I think I've said that she did not deserve it, but she definitely did not deserve, she is such a nice girl.. I missed out on an excellent girl!! She deserves the best, and I would love to work with her on trust, I would love for her to know that I understand the affect it had on her.. I would love to redeem myself and prove her that I am better than this, but I understand it's too late..

Thank you so much for your advice, it is really helping me

July 26, 2016

You scared the heck out of her but it's still all about you and what you feel and want.

Why are you being so hard on me? The reason I am walking away and moving on is because I know she deserves better!! If i was super selfish like you are saying, I would be chasing her and bothering her, asking her out everyday!! Things that I haven't done.. Like you guys said, the ball is on her court so I will let her decide..

July 26, 2016

I really hope so. And, I think you've received some good information from this thread on how you are being perceived. I hope you take it to heart and learn from this experience. I wish you all the best.

And, I will second that the number one red flag for women is a man who is very reactive, doesn't control his angry, and is controlling. Women run, don't walk from these guys. If you have this tendency, which it appears by what you've posted that you might, you need to change that before you will find many women who want to be with you.

I have received really good information from this thread, and I thank you guys for being honest and sincere with me. I will learn from this experience, I promise.. I definitely don't want to go through anything like this before..

I will change my behavior, I won't let my ego decide for me anymore..

July 26, 2016

Why are you being so hard on me? The reason I am walking away and moving on is because I know she deserves better!! If i was super selfish like you are saying, I would be chasing her and bothering her, asking her out everyday!! Things that I haven't done.. Like you guys said, the ball is on her court so I will let her decide..

It's not that she deserves better. Mature people in healthy relationships won't think this way. You made a mistake - one that we have said would be concerning for many women, because it's a flag that you may be reactive and controlling - but it's not like you are necessairly a bad person. A sincere apology and a change in behavior might have encouraged her to give you another chance. The passive aggressive behavior you showed by not talking to her after was just the icing on the cake that confirmed her decision.

It's not that she is some wonderful woman that doesn't deserve you. If you had been acting like a mature, respectful man -- this relationship may have gone a different way. That's what you need to try and be in the future. But coming on here, saying "she is wonderful, she doesn't deserve me, what did I do, I wish I could get her back but I won't chase her and I don't deserve her..." makes it all about you...

I say this with tough love - you need to grow up a little bit!

July 26, 2016

Forgive me if I am wrong, but was the bill paying event about "machismo"?

"a man’s responsibility to provide for, protect, and defend his family."

You felt disrespected as a man maybe, hence the reaction.

July 26, 2016

It's not that she deserves better. Mature people in healthy relationships won't think this way. You made a mistake - one that we have said would be concerning for many women, because it's a flag that you may be reactive and controlling - but it's not like you are necessairly a bad person. A sincere apology and a change in behavior might have encouraged her to give you another chance. The passive aggressive behavior you showed by not talking to her after was just the icing on the cake that confirmed her decision.

It's not that she is some wonderful woman that doesn't deserve you. If you had been acting like a mature, respectful man -- this relationship may have gone a different way. That's what you need to try and be in the future. But coming on here, saying "she is wonderful, she doesn't deserve me, what did I do, I wish I could get her back but I won't chase her and I don't deserve her..." makes it all about you...

I say this with tough love - you need to grow up a little bit!

Yeah I need to grow up!! You are completely right!! I should've acted like a gentleman and apologized right there instead of giving here the silent treatment. I am not a bad person!!

I will learn from this, and I won't let it happen again!! I know I need to modify some things in my behavior in order to have a healthy relationship. I am not trying to make it about me, I am just saying that she is a really good girl, hard to find.

July 26, 2016

Forgive me if I am wrong, but was the bill paying event about "machismo"?
"a man’s responsibility to provide for, protect, and defend his family."

You felt disrespected as a man maybe, hence the reaction.

I am also very interested in hearing what was behind his anger concerning her paying the bill.

July 26, 2016

Forgive me if I am wrong, but was the bill paying event about "machismo"?
"a man’s responsibility to provide for, protect, and defend his family."

You felt disrespected as a man maybe, hence the reaction.

Yes, it could easily be machismo. I grew up with that motto "a man’s responsibility to provide for, protect, and defend his family." My dad has always been the head of the family. However, I know that times has changed and that things are not like that anymore. I still acted like that though, which makes it even harder to understand

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