lemondrops123 Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 I was with a guy who I think is perfect, and at first I was worried he was an ******* and so I was not as loving to him. I would nitpick on things he said because I was worried he was a jerk. One day (1 month after we became official, 3 months after dating) I realized he really is sweet and I should treat him with a lot of love. A week later he told me he is feeling drained and that it isn't working out and dumped me. I told him I had no idea he was unhappy and that I can't help him unless he tells me what he needs. We decided to give it a second chance where he would communicate more and I would try to show him more affection and love. During the following month, I held up my side but he did not hold up his. I was feeling hurt because he was being less sweet to me too. When I finally brought it up, he said he wanted to break up. That it didn't feel right. We talked about it but it was very tearful and sad. A week later, I asked him if he was sure and told him I feel like his mind is made up. He said he just cannot be with me despite missing me it is not good for our future, but he would like to be friends. We had breakup sex and I felt extremely hurt after. I sent him a goodbye letter a few days later telling him that I cannot be friends, it hurts too much. In his response he said that he is sorry but he gave up on us the first time and could not try again. I want him back, I think he is making a big mistake. His dating profile changed to a sad photo of him and in the essays he writes that he thinks he will be a hermit and live with bears in the future. Is there anything I can do? We have not been talking and I do not have a desire to talk to him until I feel more grounded/balanced. Is there anyway for me to salvage it? I made a mistake but so did he. 1
Zahara Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 I want him back, I think he is making a big mistake. His dating profile changed to a sad photo of him and in the essays he writes that he thinks he will be a hermit and live with bears in the future. Is there anything I can do? We have not been talking and I do not have a desire to talk to him until I feel more grounded/balanced. Is there anyway for me to salvage it? I made a mistake but so did he. You believing he made a big mistake is all projection on your part. It's a little selfish. If infact he's ended with you because you weren't fully there in the relationship, there is no ability on his part to know that you are genuinely NOW invested. I don't blame him for checking out because it can be exhausting when someone is constantly keeping you walking on eggshells. Just because he ended it, it doesn't mean he's not feeling sad but that sadness doesn't justify revisiting in his mind. He's going through a normal process. Or maybe, just maybe, he's realized he's not as invested as he thought he was and is using this as an excuse to break free. Either way, stay NC. He's made it more than clear that he does not want to reconcile. 4
Blanco Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 Use it as a learning experience. It's not bad to be a bit guarded or rational about new relationships. Too many people go the opposite route and think the newest guy or gal they're dating is The One and they ignore obvious red flags or incompatibilities. Your mistake was choosing to nitpick as your means of keeping him at arm's length. That sort of thing is incredibly frustrating to be on the receiving end at any time of the relationship, but right from the outset? Forget it. I would take that as red flag city. Next time, leave the "negging" to the PUA. 2
Toodaloo Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 Lemon. It is really really draining to be held responsible for the misdemeanours of others. Others that you didn't know, have nothing to do with and that your partner chose for themselves. After a while you start to think that perhaps their choices in life are really bad if they keep blaming everyone else and taking it out on you instead of the person that deserves it... Its not just draining, it kills any emotion left straggling. You will not get him back. Leave him alone. Take time out and heal, get over any exes and quit blaming this on him. Accept its over and be done with it. Next time try remembering that each person is different and while you shouldn't assume that they are lovely you also shouldn't assume that they are awful until after they have been given the chance to show you who they are. 1
fromheart Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 A girl I was seeing was not being loving and caring with me, so I moved on. She then told me that she realized she made a mistake. I can see that she's made improvements on herself, but I also see that she hasn't quite got there. Which means that if I got back with her, the same thing will happen again; ie she will treat me badly, I will walk away and we both get hurt. All I can say is, really work on letting go of whatever it was that you experienced, that caused you to not be caring to your new partner. Then with no expectations whatsoever, give him a message/call if you still want to explore the possibility of you and him being together. Until then, you have to let him go. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 This one isn't coming back, OP. He has been very clear he doesn't want a relationship with you anymore. You believe he made a mistake, but evidently he disagrees. Time to start moving on. 3
Satu Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 snip I was with a guy who I think is perfect, and at first *I was worried he was an ******* and so **I was not as loving to him. ***I would nitpick on things he said because I was worried he was a jerk. In a way, other people function as mirrors for us, to show us things about ourselves. It turned out that you were the jerk. You looked at him through the lens of your fear, and you became that which you were afraid of. I don't think you will get him back, but there's a good learning experience here if you want one. Take care. 4
Marc878 Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 He's turned off. They don't come back. Move on like he did. Next time be careful how you treat people. He was a diamond in the rough but you threw it out. Someone will pick him up. 4
whatnot Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 I made a mistake but so did he. Book keeping is generally unproductive in any relationship. Good luck 3
Blanco Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 Book keeping is generally unproductive in any relationship. Good luck I can't "like" this comment enough. I was in a relationship with someone who for all of her good qualities, seemed like she kept a ledger hidden somewhere, because it seemed like she always knew what the "relationship score" was. And eye-for-eye approach to life is unhealthy in general, but for romantic relationships, it is absolutely poisonous. Perhaps it's time to look inward and see if there's not a need for a bit more accountability for your own actions and behavior. 3
asphyxis Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 A week later he told me he is feeling drained and that it isn't working out and dumped me. I told him I had no idea he was unhappy and that I can't help him unless he tells me what he needs. We decided to give it a second chance where he would communicate more and I would try to show him more affection and love. During the following month, I held up my side but he did not hold up his. I was feeling hurt because he was being less sweet to me too. When I finally brought it up, he said he wanted to break up. That it didn't feel right. It didn't feel right because you didn't want to break up. It felt right for hin because he has been thinking about it for a while. I was in that situation back in February. We talked one night in the phone and he said he couldn't do this anymore, and he didn't want to wait around for me or what ifs and he just wanted to get on with his life. I told him we could make changed, blah blah blah but they went unresolved for so long that it was the un doing of our relationship 3 weeks ago in an argument in which he decided to just break up. I feel like I lost a really great guy, but like others have said, take it as a learning tool. He's not coming back. 1
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