I am in good, serious relationship with my gf. BUT she teases/talks about other men

July 26, 2016

I thank you all for your replies, i will reply to some of the commenters a bit later. Right now, i am kindly asking you katie, how could i possibly reply on this direct examples:

- oh, John is coming? I'll make sure to dress nicely then
- I must clean up the apartment...How about James would come and help me...
- If i had to choose, i would much rather **** Robert instead of Michael
- I had to talk with customer service representative, thank god he was cute
- Well if i get drunk it might happen i will sleep somewhere in the city

Along the way i figured she may be playfully teasing and thought we could both "play" with it, turn the negative tension into positive or sexual one, but i was always at complete loss of words.

KS, to answer your questions, here is how I might respond (if I were in your shoes).

- oh, John is coming? I'll make sure to dress nicely then

"Good! That would be a nice change..."

- I must clean up the apartment...How about James would come and help me...

"Whatever it takes, this place is a mess!"

- If i had to choose, i would much rather **** Robert instead of Michael

No response, that is disrespectful. Ignore.

- I had to talk with customer service representative, thank god he was cute

"You could tell he was cute over the phone? Wow, didn't realize you were so psychic. Learning new things about you every day."

- Well if i get drunk it might happen i will sleep somewhere in the city.

"Have fun, enjoy!"

I would just either toss it back, or ignore and not let it bother you. Or try not to anyway.

But since you said you have already told her it's hurtful, and she continues, as we have been saying that is just plain disrespectful and insensitive which is a bigger problem than her teasing you with jabs like this.

Edited July 26, 2016 by katiegrl

July 26, 2016

Now we know katiegrl is a bit of a smarta%$. My kind of person! Haha

July 26, 2016

Now we know katiegrl is a bit of a smarta%$. My kind of person! Haha

LOL, you definitely got that right!

July 26, 2016

- I had to talk with customer service representative, thank god he was cute

"You could tell he was cute over the phone? Wow, didn't realize you were so psychic. Learning new things about you every day."

That one sounds a little snarky/bitter, fwiw. Like right after he'd run to the bedroom and slam the door and start playing "Someone Like You."

July 26, 2016

: What do you mean by acting out or seeming butthurt? Do you agree i should threaten with break-up over this? Will that show her the clear line?

You mean about open relationship? No, she is a monogamous person that also claimed twice not being interested in threesomes. She claimed she sees John as being attractive, but that's it, that she is no way interested into doing anything with that person, let him touch her, she wouldn't want him for sex or let alone being her boyfriend etc...She insists there is absolutely no meaning behind her saying that and that i should relax and not see it as sharply and literal.

Jen is asking you good questions. Do not believe everything she is saying to you. You believe her ACTIONS , which seem to get some kind of perverse enjoyment out of seeing you upset.

You DO NOT threaten anything that you cannot follow through on. If you tell her this is a deal breaker and she continues, which you have done already, it just shows that she is in control and that you will huff and puff but that is it.

i would not do this on phone ( I may be too late). I would tell her she needs to figure out why she needs to do this, and ask her how she would feel if your tongue was hanging out every time you saw a nice ass walk by.

Good luck . I am afraid you are going to need it but I hope not.

July 26, 2016

That one sounds a little snarky/bitter, fwiw. Like right after he'd run to the bedroom and slam the door and start playing "Someone Like You."

Again, it's all in how it's said. The delivery.

If it's said in a snarky tone, then yeah she is gonna interpret it as snarky.

If it's said playfully, in the same playful manner she delivered her comment, then it comes off as playful and teasing.

July 26, 2016

Not too sure how this can work if it's her own brand of humor, and he's getting all riled up over it, screaming into his pillow at night.

Simple solution....talk to her about it. If she doesn't comply to turning it off, then maybe buying that car together in the future isn't such a great idea.

Tip: if you decide to invest in something together whether it's a dog or a car, you need to discuss what the plan is if the relationship is terminated. Like who gets the dog or who buys who out for the car and at what percentage.

July 26, 2016

KS, to answer your questions, here is how I might respond (if I were in your shoes).

- oh, John is coming? I'll make sure to dress nicely then

"Good! That would be a nice change..."

- I must clean up the apartment...How about James would come and help me...

"Whatever it takes, this place is a mess!"

I am speechless, isn't that what we call negging? lol

I am definitely not cut out for this type of humor.

July 26, 2016

I am speechless, isn't that what we call negging? lol

I am definitely not cut out for this type of humor.

No worries, not many people are....

And TBH, I am not exactly crazy about it either, although it can be fun sometimes.... but if it's too much, it gets old.

But in this case, if SHE is gonna dish it out, then he should be able to dish it back....

Which is what my responses reflect.... him tossing it back to her in the same manner she tossed it to him.

If you're gonna call it negging, then they're both negging.

July 26, 2016

I think she's prob just shyt-testing you, tho the implications of that are kinda serious. If she's shyt-testing and you're allowing it, she won't ultimately have much respect for you, which is a big problem for longterm prospects in a relationship. You don't 'fix' that by acting out or seeming butthurt tho. She'll respect you if you respect yourself, and she'll stop the comments if she knows she can't get away w them bc you've drawn a clear line.

I suppose it's possible too that she really is tangibly interested in all these other ppl, but you never mentioned anything about any outward poly- or open sensibilities on her part. Has she ever said anything frankly along those lines?

If a woman is shut testing you before you plan to move in then there is no future.

My honest opinion based on experience with women who do this crap that deep in.

July 26, 2016

could it be she feels insecure and is trying to make him jealous?

its really sick way to be and a sure killer of the relationship if continued:sick:

she must learn to voice her concerns differently if thats the case:o she sounds like a very cheep one...........

if the man i love talked about other women being hot or gave the look to another woman i would walk:cool:

July 26, 2016

Depends on how secure and comfortable you are with each other. For years my husband and I would tease each other, like if we split up he would end up marrying someone and have 15 kids with them, or what's the hurry is your BF coming over? or he will phone me when he was on his way home and he would tell that my BF better leave. He will tell me about the hot nubile waitresses at the place he is installing tvs and crap in, then I would proceed to call him a dirty old man and we would have a laugh. When he gets cheeky I'll threaten to order up a pool boy. Or me and my sister in law will drool over some celebrity in a convo and he would just roll his eyes. it's all in good fun.

Just because we are together doesn't mean we are dead...of course we are going to look and maybe make a comment. And I know he going to check out the ladies....he's a man for f^&% sakes.

July 26, 2016

I bet he never says he wants to lick the sweat off that hot chick's inner thighs tho.

July 26, 2016

Depends on how secure and comfortable you are with each other. For years my husband and I would tease each other, like if we split up he would end up marrying someone and have 15 kids with them, or what's the hurry is your BF coming over? or he will phone me when he was on his way home and he would tell that my BF better leave. He will tell me about the hot nubile waitresses at the place he is installing tvs and crap in, then I would proceed to call him a dirty old man and we would have a laugh. When he gets cheeky I'll threaten to order up a pool boy. Or me and my sister in law will drool over some celebrity in a convo and he would just roll his eyes. it's all in good fun.

Thanks for posting this^ smackie.... I don't feel so alone now with my sometimes warped sense of humor.

Edited July 26, 2016 by katiegrl

July 26, 2016

Thanks for posting this^ smackie.... I don't feel so alone now with my sometimes warped sense of humor.

Your sense of humor isn't warped Katie, most people have jokes/observations of this nature in their relationship.

When it is actually an inside=intimate and funny 'joke.'

Edited July 26, 2016 by Timshel

July 27, 2016

When you get a car for her with your name on it, you are f*cked. Living together even if your name is on everything and you pay for everything, you are still f*cked. She can force you to evict her over 30 days, she can just take the car and hide it if she shows that you allowed her to use it and not give it back and all you can do is repo it, it is not considered stealing and the cops will not help you get it back. Don't buy anything jointly, if she is vindictive she holds most of the cards. Been there, done that.

First thing the girl did when I was breaking up with her was call the cops and ask if I could keep the car from her, fully in my name, fully paid for by me, insurance fully paid for by me and in my name, and the cops told her if she had the car and was allowed to drive it they couldn't stop her even if I no longer consented to her driving it. I confirmed, the cops said I could only repo it if she took it.

If the situation was reversed and you as a guy said you wanted to sleep with her friends, dress nice for her hot friends, stay somewhere else and imply sleeping with another woman on a drunken night out, all the advice would say you were a dirty, rotten pig and the woman should leave immediately. So apply the same standard here.

Threatening to leave won't build a relationship, it will push her to be covert if anything. Do you really want to base a relationship and possibly marriage on the threat of you leaving if she doesn't change? I'm guessing her comments make you feel like something is up, trust your gut because you know something is up. This is not teasing or joking because you are not 'in' on the joke and she knows it.

You have been given the gift of early warning, I wouldn't piss it away if I were you.

July 27, 2016

Depends on how secure and comfortable you are with each other. For years my husband and I would tease each other, like if we split up he would end up marrying someone and have 15 kids with them, or what's the hurry is your BF coming over? or he will phone me when he was on his way home and he would tell that my BF better leave. He will tell me about the hot nubile waitresses at the place he is installing tvs and crap in, then I would proceed to call him a dirty old man and we would have a laugh. When he gets cheeky I'll threaten to order up a pool boy. Or me and my sister in law will drool over some celebrity in a convo and he would just roll his eyes. it's all in good fun.

Just because we are together doesn't mean we are dead...of course we are going to look and maybe make a comment. And I know he going to check out the ladies....he's a man for f^&% sakes.

The difference I see in this is these are not 'real' people with a true opportunity for it to happen.

If he said your friend Jenny is hot and he needs to bang her when she comes to a party that night, that is not all that funny. If he says he wants a random waitress he will never have a relationship with or see on a consistent or one-on-one basis, that is a joke. If you say you'll grab the pool boy or Brad Pitt that is one thing. If you say you'll grab his best friend John and go to town, that is entirely different.

July 27, 2016

Thanks all for taking the time to reply. I see that i am not just imagining things and this is serious problem or at least foreshadowing one.

Have you ever asked her if she wants to open up the relationship? (Not to pitch the idea, but to see if that's what she's after.)

There's quite a bit about this whole collusion of characteristics that doesn't really add up. Loyal girl who openly admires other men, sweet girl who treats you like crap in some ways, considerate girl who's inconsiderate about your feelings, etc. Don't want to scare you or make you paranoid but that's 'secret life' type material.

No, i have never asked. And its exactly like that as you described, you did hit the nail right on the head. What i fear is, that maybe she wants to have her cake and eat it too. By being happy in a good relationship, but part of her maybe still wishes to fool around before being too serious and its showing up in this way.

OP, think about this for a sec.

You say she is very loving, affectionate and the RL overall is highly fulfilling for both of you. You are very happy as is she, no complaint.

So.... do you really think if she meant those things seriously she would say them to you? No she would think them quietly to herself.

You said she says them in a teasing playful way. Helllooooo.

Have you ever heard of bantering?

She is teasing you!

This is so obvious to me.

Not only because I can relate, but because, again, if she meant these things seriously she would not say them out loud..... that would contradict every other aspect of her very loving and caring personality...

What bothers me even more than her, is her unwillingness to stop. If i can not rely on her to stop doing what i don't like by simply shutting her mouth, how i can i rely on her for bigger things?

Besides, i believe relationship is between 2 people only and her bringing other people in our relationship through humor is not doing as any favors at this point.

Why on earth do you even have to pose this as a question. You've told her you don't like it but she continues. Despite what others have said I'd do exactly the same to her and see how she likes it. There nothing like a taste of your own medicine.

Honestly, i rather maintain my moral high ground that drop down to her level. It goes against what i believe in, and even if i lose her as a gf, i still keep my standards about proper behavior. You do have a point tho...Yes, marriage is something we both want at some point and no i most certainly wont marry her until she proves to be 100% good material.

It's also a compatibility issue IMO. It doesn't sound like they "get" each other, and as the RL continues, that will rear it's ugly head in other ways too, destroying it.

We seem to agree on everything, except on "other people". She had a wild past, spending a lot of her time out in the clubs and enjoyed flirting and dancing with others even when in relationship. Of course the minute i saw/heard that, i had to put a stop to it...

The OP has addressed it numerous times apparently. This is not about teasing in the end, it's about her lack of respect for his feelings. It would be one thing to do this once in a while, kiddingly, but it's chronic. That's the problem.

So, he should sit her down at some quiet point, in person, and tell her that he loves her and respects their relationship and that this situation is causing him to feel resentment. He tell her one more time how all this makes him feel in a calm, respectful and firm way. And, then step back and allow her to demonstrate that he's been heard at that she is attempting to curb it at least. And, what he should do is be consistent in the way he deals with it each time it does happen. When it happens, he reminds her that he doesn't appreciate it and then not entertain it by changing the subject right then and there. And, do this every time. Not switch between ignoring it or reciprocal banter. (that's ok if it's just once in a while). If she doesn't attempt to curb and eventually keep it to a minimum at least, he needs to decide if it's become a deal breaker. Because if the resentment is building the relationship will be broken anyway.

Oh man, so true, every last word. That's exactly what i have to do. I think you are right about the ultimatum too, her first response would WITHOUT A DOUBT be a rebellion. If i walked or ignored her, she would come around and regret it, but her first response would be stubborness, rebellion, perhaps mocking in disbelief.

katiegirl: thanks for possible replies to her sentences, but dayum, i don't find it funny at all. I do consider myself a fun person, my gf tells me i am fun and i make her laugh a lot every single day. But kidding about any kind of third people in our relationship is absolute no go.

I'm guessing her comments make you feel like something is up, trust your gut because you know something is up. This is not teasing or joking because you are not 'in' on the joke and she knows it.

That's entirely true. And i am trying to find out what...

July 27, 2016

No, i have never asked. And its exactly like that as you described, you did hit the nail right on the head. What i fear is, that maybe she wants to have her cake and eat it too. By being happy in a good relationship, but part of her maybe still wishes to fool around before being too serious and its showing up in this way.

We seem to agree on everything, except on "other people". She had a wild past, spending a lot of her time out in the clubs and enjoyed flirting and dancing with others even when in relationship. Of course the minute i saw/heard that, i had to put a stop to it...

Ok, so it really sounds like she legit has a wandering eye. That makes sense actually in the context of all her comments to you about others and her persistence w that. (The joking-but-serious stuff, etc.) In a way too it's endearing tho bc her telling you about it is more open than a sneaky secret admiration for random ppl, and obvs better than going around secretly wanting to sleep w everybody. It means she's being inclusive in a strange way.

What you do w that is still up to you. I know it takes some balls to accept it in open relationship scenarios but it's actually a very bonding thing for ppl w those sensibilities to share their feelings of attraction for others, even if you're not acting on it. Sometimes I go around w my BF and point out women I find hot etc. and it's a bonding experience in our own way. (And I act on it even, but that's beside the point.) Much better to share those sensibilities if you have them than keep them hidden.

It may actually be kind of a scary thing for her, believe it or not - lots of risk of rejection involved and being outside the mainstream facing judgment for feelings you can't really suppress. I think you could potentially reach a new level of intimacy w her if you got her to open up about it and showed mutual trust about what the boundaries are and tolerance to indulge fantasies within the framework of that trust.

I understand it's not in everyone's comfort zone (and likely well outside of most) but it's sth to think about.

July 27, 2016

Dude, she is an attention seeker, the worst of the lot. You can't win. It's nothing about you. It's all about her. She will cause you huge embarrassment and humiliation. Other guys are going to laugh in your face. Not relationship material.

Unless she realizes herself, she will not change. Some get a wake up call when the right person comes along but they don't even attract the person who will move them to realize this. This behavior will stay with her and will cause you much heartbreak.

As for proposing, well , I proposed my now wife after 6 months and were married within the year. But I knew she was wife material and I didn't want to lose her. Your 'gf' is not wife material and you don't have anything to worry about losing her. Lose her already.

July 27, 2016

If someone did this to me ... my love for them would begin to fade rapidly and I'd have no desire to continue the relationship never mind move in with them.

I don't really understand why people in relationships accept such rubbish. You're being disrespected and she still gets to be in a relationship with you ... why?

It comes to a point where you only have yourself to blame for being disrespected.. because you allow it.... and she'll have less and less respect for you as time goes on.

I have little tolerance for being disrespected like this .. and make no mistake it's disrespect and not a joke. She's told you there's truth in joking. If you don't show you need to be respected ... then you won't be.

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I am in good, serious relationship with my gf. BUT she teases/talks about other men

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