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I am in good, serious relationship with my gf. BUT she teases/talks about other men

KorumSword

By KorumSword
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katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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It's tormenting him.

 

It's not fun or sexy.

 

I can't imagine every other day my boyfriend telling me he's shaving for my hot lady neighbor then add in every joke there's a hint of truth. And this would go on and on and on? You would put up with that?

 

Gaeta, oh come on, it's all in how it's delivered. Playfully teasing, bantering, it's all in good fun if two people understand each other.

Many people including myself love me some fun banter.... unless, again, it's said in a serious, contemptuous tone, it's harmless.

 

My ex and I used to do this all the time.... I knew he was teasing, he knew I was teasing, we'd get each other a bit riled in a fun way.... it's kind of like play fighting!

 

That said, if someone is not the type to understand this type of banter and teasing, play fighting, then yes they will get all butt hurt and feel tormented.

 

Perhaps they're not compatible in this way.

 

If so, then he needs to communicate that with her and tell her to knock it off, it's hurtful and he doesn't appreciate it.

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
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It's tormenting him.

 

It's not fun or sexy.

 

I can't imagine every other day my boyfriend telling me he's shaving for my hot lady neighbor then add in every joke there's a hint of truth. And this would go on and on and on? You would put up with that?

 

If a woman came on here and posted the same:

 

- oh, Nancy is coming? I'll make sure to dress nicely then

 

- I must clean up the apartment...How about Jennie would come and help me...

 

- If i had to choose, i would much rather **** Annette instead of Angie

 

- I had to talk with customer service representative, thank god she was cute

 

Wouldn't that grow old fast?

 

LOL! Yeah that's funny, these are exactly the type of things my ex and i used to tease each other with!

 

He wasn't serious!! Neither was I.

 

If he initiated it, you better believe I would toss it right back at him and vice versa!

 

It was a total joke and we would both end up cracking up.... or having great sex depending on where we were.

 

To each his own.

  • Like 1
enddeck Established Member

enddeck

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The next time she says something of that nature over the phone simply hang up.If you are out together simply turn around and walk away.If you are in your apartment just go out for a beer without mentioning where you ere going.

This sort of crap,in my opinion is the cause of the suicide epidemic of young men in Ireland.It is all kept quiet and the deaths are described as tragic,but every person I know knows a young man who has taken his own life,and the common denominator is some girl messing with his head.

More young men in Ireland die by their own hands than road accidents,cancer or any other cause you would like to name and it is all hushed up because in a catholic country suicide is a sin.

Edited by enddeck
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Gaeta, oh come on, it's all in how it's delivered. Playfully teasing, bantering, it's all in good fun if two people understand each other.

Many people including myself love me some fun banter.... unless, again, it's said in a serious, contemptuous tone, it's harmless.

 

My ex and I used to do this all the time.... I knew he was teasing, he knew I was teasing, we'd get each other a bit riled in a fun way.... it's kind of like play fighting!

 

That said, if someone is not the type to understand this type of banter and teasing, play fighting, then yes they will get all butt hurt and feel tormented.

 

Perhaps they're not compatible in this way.

 

If so, then he needs to communicate that with her and tell her to knock it off, it's hurtful and he doesn't appreciate it.

 

 

I get some couples like it and have fun with it but OP doesn't. It hurts him, poisons his life and he says it upsets him ever day. We cannot pick for him what is funny and sexy. He doesn't think it is.

 

Going from that, the girlfriend should stop it.

 

It's like being slapped on the butt in public. Some women love it, others will rip your head off if you try. Each decide what's funny sexy.

 

I am sure there are little things you hate but for some of us they'd be funny. You still hate them.

  • Like 2
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KorumSword Member

KorumSword

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Katie i try to be open minded, but i can not think of a single possible thing that i could reply to her when she says it. What can you even reply to examples like that? Can you elaborate on what exactly you and your ex said?

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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OP, think about this for a sec.

 

You say she is very loving, affectionate and the RL overall is highly fulfilling for both of you. You are very happy as is she, no complaint.

 

So.... do you really think if she meant those things seriously she would say them to you? No she would think them quietly to herself.

 

You said she says them in a teasing playful way. Helllooooo.

 

Have you ever heard of bantering?

 

She is teasing you!

 

This is so obvious to me.

 

Not only because I can relate, but because, again, if she meant these things seriously she would not say them out loud..... that would contradict every other aspect of her very loving and caring personality...

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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OP, think about this for a sec.

 

You say she is very loving, affectionate and the RL overall is highly fulfilling for both of you. You are very happy as is she, no complaint.

 

So.... do you really think if she meant those things seriously she would say them to you? No she would think them quietly to herself.

 

You said she says them in a teasing playful way. Helllooooo.

 

Have you ever heard of bantering?

 

She is teasing you!

 

This is so obvious to me.

 

Not only because I can relate, but because, again, if she meant these things seriously she would not say them out loud..... that would contradict every other aspect of her very loving and caring personality...

 

 

BUT

 

and I apologize for bugging in.

 

He is still entitled to not like this type of teasing.

  • Like 2
katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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BUT

 

and I apologize for bugging in.

 

He is still entitled to not like this type of teasing.

 

I don't know if "entitled" is the right word, but like I said, if he doesn't like it and/or is hurt, feels tormented by it, then he needs to communicate that to her.

 

IF after telling her, she continues, then that may be a dealbreaker.

 

OP, have you told her you don't like it, that you don't appreciate that type of teasing?

 

ETA: I have had men go off on me about other chicks, not in a fun teasing way either. I don't like it and communicate that to them.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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katiegrl:Put aside the banter.

 

You are usually a big defender of boundaries in a relationship.

 

OP has expressed to his girlfriend numerous times he does not like her sense of humor involving sexual suggestions toward other men. She has disrespected that boundaries many times. For what? For the sake of joking?

  • Like 1
Timshel Established Member

Timshel

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THE PROBLEM

 

However, she is teasing me with other men. Men she lets me know, she finds attractive, sexy, cute etc. She is being playful and says and insists she is just kidding, but also confesses to "truth being in every joke". She says it playfully almost kinda wanting some reaction and is overall a flirty personality. We discussed this before and she didn't stop saying stuff so i got very angry and she stopped for a while but now doing it again and just doesn't stop (over a month now). Stuff she says:

 

- oh, John is coming? I'll make sure to dress nicely then

- I must clean up the apartment...How about James would come and help me...

- If i had to choose, i would much rather **** Robert instead of Michael

- I had to talk with customer service representative, thank god he was cute

- Well if i get drunk it might happen i will sleep somewhere in the city

 

Please, what would you do? How would you handle it?

 

React and do exactly how you would expect any self-respecting woman to do if you said any of above.

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
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katiegrl:Put aside the banter.

 

You are usually a big defender of boundaries in a relationship.

 

OP has expressed to his girlfriend numerous times he does not like her sense of humor involving sexual suggestions toward other men. She has disrespected that boundaries many times. For what? For the sake of joking?

 

Okay missed that. In that case, since she still continues after being told he doesn't like or appreciate that type of teasing or sense of humor, then it may be time to re-evaluate the RL because she is being disrespectful.

 

Ideally it would be good if she could explain how she doesn't mean those things, that she's just teasing, playing.... so he could better understand where she is coming from too.

sandylee1 Established Member

sandylee1

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Why on earth do you even have to pose this as a question. You've told her you don't like it but she continues. Despite what others have said I'd do exactly the same to her and see how she likes it. There nothing like a taste of your own medicine.

 

But the real me, would simply end it snd say. ... the relationship isnt working for me. End of story and no further explanation.

 

I don't take kindly to that kind of crap. There's enough single people out there and I don't need such torment from my other half.

 

I noticed of all your plans ... house, dog and babies ... marriage wasn't mentioned. Is it not something you believe in? Not that this is the girl to marry at all.

HumanMachine Established Member

HumanMachine

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She's taking you for a mug. I'd put money on her monkey branching right now.

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

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Okay missed that. In that case, since she still continues after being told he doesn't like or appreciate that type of teasing or sense of humor, then it may be time to re-evaluate the RL because she is being disrespectful.

 

Ideally it would be good if she could explain how she doesn't mean those things, that she's just teasing, playing.... so he could better understand where she is coming from too.

 

He understand it's a type of joking but he still doesn't like it and it makes him feel miserable. She's cutting his balls off for a good laugh and he's not laughing.

  • Like 2
katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

Posted
Posted (edited)
He understand it's a type of joking but he still doesn't like it and it makes him feel miserable. She's cutting his balls off for a good laugh and he's not laughing.

 

Then as I said, it's time for him to re-evaluate the RL.

 

Because that is disrespectful.

 

It's also a compatibility issue IMO. It doesn't sound like they "get" each other, and as the RL continues, that will rear it's ugly head in other ways too, destroying it.

 

But mostly since she is dismissing his needs, she is being disrespectful.

Edited by katiegrl
  • Like 1
jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
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Ideally it would be good if she could explain how she doesn't mean those things, that she's just teasing, playing.... so he could better understand where she is coming from too.

 

I can say as an open relationship person that when I'd say those things, I actually meant them lol. (And that'd usually cave in ppl who couldn't handle it.) Which is one of the things I don't get about this - she's really pressing the topic, which makes me think she really wants to fool around. If she's just joking and he's told her repeatedly and seriously he doesn't like it and she keeps doing it, my thinking is either she really wants to hook up w randoms but she doesn't know how to actually broach it w OP or she's so profoundly inconsiderate of his feelings that she has zero respect for him or she's bscly a juvenile herself yet.

 

I get the teasing thing (and that plays a role in my interactions a lot of the time) but usually there's a limit to how far you can go w that. You don't say "wow baby look at that guy - I kinda want to follow him into the men's room right now" if you're not both in on the joke or if that kink doesn't play a role in your life.

  • Like 1
katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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I can say as an open relationship person that when I'd say those things, I actually meant them lol. (And that'd usually cave in ppl who couldn't handle it.) Which is one of the things I don't get about this - she's really pressing the topic, which makes me think she really wants to fool around. If she's just joking and he's told her repeatedly and seriously he doesn't like it and she keeps doing it, my thinking is either she really wants to hook up w randoms but she doesn't know how to actually broach it w OP or she's so profoundly inconsiderate of his feelings that she has zero respect for him or she's bscly a juvenile herself yet.

 

I get the teasing thing (and that plays a role in my interactions a lot of the time) but usually there's a limit to how far you can go w that.

 

You don't say "wow baby look at that guy - I kinda want to follow him into the men's room right now" if you're not both in on the joke or if that kink doesn't play a role in your life.

 

Bolded, agree and I think it depends on how it's said... I know for me, if my ex had ever said that to me (switching the guy for a chick), I would know right off the bat he was joking/teasing, and would toss something right back at him, playfully.

 

Maybe something like "yeah me too! haha" Or, "hey sounds good, I was thinking of following that hot guy to the men's room too, so how about we do our thing and meet back here in 15...lol, wink wink"!!

 

Something like that.

 

It's ALL in how it's delivered.

 

That said, my ex knew I would know he was joking/teasing/playing.

 

If he thought for one second it was hurtful to me, he would stop.

 

And if he didn't, that's disrespectful and may have even been a dealbreaker.

 

But we both had the same teasing, playful sense of humor and we got each other in that respect.

 

I think that is important.

Edited by katiegrl
bachdude Established Member

bachdude

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There is teasing and bantering, which is fine and cool, but she takes this to a point where it is she is getting kind of graphic. Once it crosses into graphic it is no longer fun, at least for me anyway.

 

Some girls like to see if they can get a little jealous rise out of their boyfriends and it can be fun to play along and joke back. But she is taking this to a whole new level that for a lot of guys it would be too much.

 

And she doesn't seem to care it bothers him.

  • Like 3
katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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There is teasing and bantering, which is fine and cool, but she takes this to a point where it is she is getting kind of graphic.

 

And she doesn't seem to care it bothers him.

 

Yeah that is a BIG problem.... dealbreaker kind of problem IMO.

 

She is amping it up cuz she's not getting the response she wants, even after being told he doesn't like it.

 

Not only is that disrespectful, but extremely insensitive.

Edited by katiegrl
Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

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The OP has addressed it numerous times apparently. This is not about teasing in the end, it's about her lack of respect for his feelings. It would be one thing to do this once in a while, kiddingly, but it's chronic. That's the problem.

 

So, he should sit her down at some quiet point, in person, and tell her that he loves her and respects their relationship and that this situation is causing him to feel resentment. He tell her one more time how all this makes him feel in a calm, respectful and firm way. And, then step back and allow her to demonstrate that he's been heard at that she is attempting to curb it at least. And, what he should do is be consistent in the way he deals with it each time it does happen. When it happens, he reminds her that he doesn't appreciate it and then not entertain it by changing the subject right then and there. And, do this every time. Not switch between ignoring it or reciprocal banter. (that's ok if it's just once in a while). If she doesn't attempt to curb and eventually keep it to a minimum at least, he needs to decide if it's become a deal breaker. Because if the resentment is building the relationship will be broken anyway.

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KorumSword Member

KorumSword

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I thank you all for your replies, i will reply to some of the commenters a bit later. Right now, i am kindly asking you katie, how could i possibly reply on this direct examples:

 

- oh, John is coming? I'll make sure to dress nicely then

- I must clean up the apartment...How about James would come and help me...

- If i had to choose, i would much rather **** Robert instead of Michael

- I had to talk with customer service representative, thank god he was cute

- Well if i get drunk it might happen i will sleep somewhere in the city

 

 

Along the way i figured she may be playfully teasing and thought we could both "play" with it, turn the negative tension into positive or sexual one, but i was always at complete loss of words.

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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Posted (edited)
The OP has addressed it numerous times apparently. This is not about teasing in the end, it's about her lack of respect for his feelings. It would be one thing to do this once in a while, kiddingly, but it's chronic. That's the problem.

 

So, he should sit her down at some quiet point, in person, and tell her that he loves her and respects their relationship and that this situation is causing him to feel resentment. He tell her one more time how all this makes him feel in a calm, respectful and firm way. And, then step back and allow her to demonstrate that he's been heard at that she is attempting to curb it at least. And, what he should do is be consistent in the way he deals with it each time it does happen. When it happens, he reminds her that he doesn't appreciate it and then not entertain it by changing the subject right then and there. And, do this every time. Not switch between ignoring it or reciprocal banter. (that's ok if it's just once in a while). If she doesn't attempt to curb and eventually keep it to a minimum at least, he needs to decide if it's become a deal breaker. Because if the resentment is building the relationship will be broken anyway.

 

I agree for the most part, but for me personally, if any of my boyfriends continued a behavior after I expressed to them that behavior was hurtful to me, I would simply say very emphatically:

 

"Xxxxxx, I have already told you that [behavior] is hurtful and I don't like, if you don't knock it off, I'm walking."

 

I would be much too pissed off by the total disrespect and insensitivity to ever have a "quiet sit down" let alone tell him I loved him and respected him.

 

My point gets across though, and usually curtails the behavior.... so whatever works.

 

We teach people how to treat us.

Edited by katiegrl
jen1447 Established Member

jen1447

Posted
Posted
Maybe something like "yeah me too! haha" Or, "hey sounds good, I was thinking of following that hot guy to the men's room too, so how about we do our thing and meet back here in 15...lol, wink wink"!!

 

Something like that.

 

It's ALL in how it's delivered.

 

That said, my ex knew I would know he was joking/teasing/playing.

 

I think that's pretty outside the norm tho. (And again this is coming from someone who does it all the time so I'm not just being a prude here or anything. And I'm not judging you btw - far be it from me to judge. ;)) The usual level of tease where that's all it is is "that guy/girl's cute" wink-wink. Saying what you want to do w them is generally the next level of either serious gamesmanship or where that kink plays a role (and unwelcome persisting w the first level can fall in here too), and then there's the last level where it's actually real.

 

Bscly OP's account amounts to taking the piss out of him in a major way or literally wanting to jump others. (In most cases IME.)

katiegrl Established Member

katiegrl

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I think that's pretty outside the norm tho.

 

LOL.... yeah I am pretty much outside the norm though jen.... you haven't figured that out yet? :p

 

Honestly.... it meant nothing, and even though I might toss something back like "yeah me too!" (in response to his crack about following a chick into the restroom).... I am 100% straight, my ex knew I was 100% straight and that we were joking and teasing... and it was all said in good fun.

Edited by katiegrl
Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
I agree for the most part, but for me personally, if any of my boyfriends continued a behavior after I expressed to them that behavior was hurtful to me, I would simply say very emphatically:

 

"Xxxxxx, I have already told you that [behavior] is hurtful and I don't like, if you don't knock it off, I'm walking."

 

I would be much too pissed off by the total disrespect and insensitivity to ever have a "quiet sit down" let alone tell him I loved him and respected him.

 

My point gets across though, and usually curtails the behavior.... so whatever works.

 

We teach people how to treat us.

 

Frankly, the reason I suggest this approach is that I'm thinking she's immature, at best, and would respond to an outright ultimatum that way -- she's do it more in order to piss him off.

 

The other reason I suggest this approach is to buy himself some time to apply a strategy consistently and observe and have an opportunity to draw a line for himself . . . in his head, that if she doesn't stop doing this, he's going to have to make a decision. He's clearly not ready to walk yet so using that isn't going to do anything because he won't.

 

People do this all the time, "if you do X again, I'm gonna do X" and then it happens again and nothing happens. So they just do that dance forever.

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