I am in good, serious relationship with my gf. BUT she teases/talks about other men

July 26, 2016

Hey everyone,

i am completely dumbfounded why my girlfriend is teasing me with other men and would like your opinion on it.

SOME FACTS on our love and relationship

- I [26/M] am in a serious, 1 year old, relationship with my [26/F].

- Been living together for 6 months now

- About to buy a dog, planning to buy a car together, plan on having babies and talking how great parents we are going to be and what ours will be like

- Very connected, saying the same stuff at the same time, laughing a lot every single day, literally feel when the other is holding back thoughts, others often comment we are visibly in love

- Communicate really well, tell each other what we want, sort things out

- Sex is great, passion is there, i always try to be a very good lover, there is no decline in the past month

- She is displaying her love in a numerous ways, i have no doubt in her love

- I am displaying my love in numerous ways and shower her with attention which she craves and thrives on

THE PROBLEM

However, she is teasing me with other men. Men she lets me know, she finds attractive, sexy, cute etc. She is being playful and says and insists she is just kidding, but also confesses to "truth being in every joke". She says it playfully almost kinda wanting some reaction and is overall a flirty personality. We discussed this before and she didn't stop saying stuff so i got very angry and she stopped for a while but now doing it again and just doesn't stop (over a month now). Stuff she says:

- oh, John is coming? I'll make sure to dress nicely then

- I must clean up the apartment...How about James would come and help me...

- If i had to choose, i would much rather **** Robert instead of Michael

- I had to talk with customer service representative, thank god he was cute

- Well if i get drunk it might happen i will sleep somewhere in the city

SO FAR I DID

- remained silent and ignored

- raised my eyebrows and questioned what she is trying to say

- said something provocative back

- told her that i hate when she says that and explained several times why and how i don't like it, questioned the meaning behind it again etc.

RELEVANT

- I am 182 cm, 91kg, training in the gym 6x per week. Dressed better than average, well groomed, just generally taking good care of myself, my hygiene, nails, tan, haircut etc.

- I never talk about other women at all, there is currently no woman in my life that she could be jealous of trying to get back at me or something

- I can't do the same to her, we both agreed vengeance is no path to good relationship (so i can't show her how that feels even tho i know she would not like it at all)

- So far we have always been able to talk things through, but she just doesn't stop with this

- I feel she is disrespecting me by doing what i asked her not to and its starting to impact the way i think about her and our future

- I am considering either yelling at her, either trying to hurt her back, either having a speech that will inflict her inner moral and consciousness, either completely ignoring her for that day etc.

Please, what would you do? How would you handle it?

July 26, 2016

She does not take you seriously. You need to make this a deal breaker. I would not endure a fraction of what you endure.

FACT:

Those are jokes she is making therefore should not be hard to quit!! You are asking her to stop something that demands NO efforts on her part yet she refuses to do it. You are far from asking her to stop smoking or anything else that requires discipline and time.

She thinks it's fun and cute when in reality it is poisoning your life so react as if it is poisoning your life.

Sit her down. Make it real and serious. Tell her this is your last warning, her joking are hurtful, toxic, and disrespectful. If she does not quit you will leave. And be damn serious about it. To prove your seriousness put on hold the puppy adoption!

July 26, 2016

A very solid advice, thank you for your reply.

Is threatening with a break-up a good idea here? Should i go balls on the line here?

I mean, as you said, its bothering me tremendously and poisoning my life to the point of thinking every day about it. What i also hate is that she is showing me disrespect with it, but also lack of self-control and selfishness (by saying what she likes more than she cares that it bothers me).

July 26, 2016

Please, what would you do? How would you handle it?

If I were you I couldn't resist talking about banging the s--t out of one of her goodlooking friends, followed by pointing out every fine woman I see and being explicit about my desire for them. Whew! okay, just break up with her she sound like a loser.

July 26, 2016

A very solid advice, thank you for your reply.

Is threatening with a break-up a good idea here? Should i go balls on the line here?

I mean, as you said, its bothering me tremendously and poisoning my life to the point of thinking every day about it. What i also hate is that she is showing me disrespect with it, but also lack of self-control and selfishness (by saying what she likes more than she cares that it bothers me).

Yes threatening a break up is a good idea and you are correct she is completely disrespecting you. She is very selfish.

July 26, 2016

A very solid advice, thank you for your reply.

Is threatening with a break-up a good idea here? Should i go balls on the line here?

I mean, as you said, its bothering me tremendously and poisoning my life to the point of thinking every day about it. What i also hate is that she is showing me disrespect with it, but also lack of self-control and selfishness (by saying what she likes more than she cares that it bothers me).

You don't think something that is poisoning your life, something that is upsetting you each day, something that feels disrespectful and selfish is not worth threatening to break up?

I didn't ask earlier but does she do that to you in front of people? Will she do that in front of your children? What does it say about her character? Like you said it shows selfishness, disrespect, lack of self-control, lack of sensitivity, consideration, empathy. Those are important qualities necessary for long term relationship, marriage, parenthood.

July 26, 2016

- If i had to choose, i would much rather **** Robert instead of Michael

"Yeah? Between your sister and your mom, I think I'll f*ck your mom."

July 26, 2016

Do not tie yourself financially to this woman.

She knows what she is doing makes you feel bad and keeps doing it.

When women try to make me jealous I usually end up showing her true jealously and they end up even more insecure than before.

So basically I just stop talking to women like this when I first meet them.

July 26, 2016

I think she's prob just shyt-testing you, tho the implications of that are kinda serious. If she's shyt-testing and you're allowing it, she won't ultimately have much respect for you, which is a big problem for longterm prospects in a relationship. You don't 'fix' that by acting out or seeming butthurt tho. She'll respect you if you respect yourself, and she'll stop the comments if she knows she can't get away w them bc you've drawn a clear line.

I suppose it's possible too that she really is tangibly interested in all these other ppl, but you never mentioned anything about any outward poly- or open sensibilities on her part. Has she ever said anything frankly along those lines?

July 26, 2016

I thought in regard of every other aspect of relationship being good...

Sometimes she does yes...I am mostly afraid of foreshadowing future events. For example, if she can't even shut her mouth, how can i trust she wont go too far when going out alone? How can i trust she wont go too far when starting university in October, so i think my overthinking here is correct?

I am asking in a silly tone, because i am not very grounded individual, i tend to overthink things.

Thanks for your reply Gaeta, i really liked how you phrased it and i completely agree:

"it shows selfishness, disrespect, lack of self-control, lack of sensitivity, consideration, empathy. Those are important qualities necessary for long term relationship, marriage, parenthood."

July 26, 2016

When she acts on her words with one of these men, she will tell you since you had no real reaction and boundaries INSISTED upon, that she thought it was Ok and that you did not care.

Your GF is an "attention whore", most likely caused by something in her family or past, and constantly pulling your string knowing it bothers you shows no respect.

DO YOU REALLY WANT THAT LONG TERM ??????

You better figure that one out before you get married or get her pregnant.

my guess is she has not cheated yet, but she already has told you if she got drunk that she thinks it would be Ok to crash somewhere, wherever that may be, most likely with a "cute; guy around.

Proceed at your own risk, but stop sucking up your disdain for what she is doing.

July 26, 2016

I agree with others. I would give her ONE chance to fix this. Sit her down one last time and say that you mentioned it before and she hasn't stopped. This is something that bugs you. Either a) she is actually interested in these other guys hence she isn't into you that much b) she is just joking around yet continues to joke around even though it actually bothers you. Either situation she should stop if she cares about you enough.

July 26, 2016

Jen: What do you mean by acting out or seeming butthurt? Do you agree i should threaten with break-up over this? Will that show her the clear line?

You mean about open relationship? No, she is a monogamous person that also claimed twice not being interested in threesomes. She claimed she sees John as being attractive, but that's it, that she is no way interested into doing anything with that person, let him touch her, she wouldn't want him for sex or let alone being her boyfriend etc...She insists there is absolutely no meaning behind her saying that and that i should relax and not see it as sharply and literal.

Frisky: harsh and true words, no doubt. Thanks for that.

Lansing: i agree completely, i was just wondering how to make her stop effectively and if threatening with a break-up is a good idea and not huge escalation?

p.s. - i am planning to have a talk today, but can only do it over the phone (out of town). Any thoughts on that?

All in all, thanks for great advice and comments...

July 26, 2016

If these type of comments were falling from your mouth to her ears....what would your mindset be?

Hold your intimate partner to the same standard you hold yourself.

July 26, 2016

I would present it this way: I would start telling her the positive about your relationship together, that you love her and hope for a long lasting relationship with her.

Tell her in that future with someone you had never envisioned yourself with a woman that dismisses your feelings even the ones she considered trivial. You do not wish a future with a woman that lacks consideration, respect, empathy in the name of 'joking'.

Tell her this is it. You are dead serious. This needs to end, there will not be another conversation about it.

If she laughs, if she says you don't have a sense of humor, if she dismisses your feelings than do yourself a huge favor and pack and leave. Tons of women out there that would love to snatch man like you for long term.

If she has an once of maturity in her she should apologize and say it won't happen again.

July 26, 2016

p.s. - i am planning to have a talk today, but can only do it over the phone (out of town). Any thoughts on that? .

These are not issues you address over the phone. It's too important.

July 26, 2016

6 months living together and you are buying a car together??? are you crazy?

July 26, 2016

Jen: What do you mean by acting out or seeming butthurt? Do you agree i should threaten with break-up over this? Will that show her the clear line?

You mean about open relationship? No, she is a monogamous person that also claimed twice not being interested in threesomes. She claimed she sees John as being attractive, but that's it, that she is no way interested into doing anything with that person, let him touch her, she wouldn't want him for sex or let alone being her boyfriend etc...She insists there is absolutely no meaning behind her saying that and that i should relax and not see it as sharply and literal.

Ok, then you can rule out genuine outside interest (assuming she's telling the truth).

What you shouldn't do - make crass comments intended to hurt her just as much as hers hurt you. That's juvenile. - play any other kind of 'get even' games. - seem like you're brooding and weak and deeply affected by all this.

What you should do - have an adult discussion w her where you tell her you don't like the comments, and escalate the discussion as necessary to convey the message you won't tolerate the comments. I'd avoid saying "I'll break up w you if you don't stop" but that implication should be there. - go around w a measure of self respect that says you don't actually need her to have a fulfilling life

The natural consequences of doing this to someone who has self respect and options is that the victim would start to withdraw emotionally and pursue other possibilities w other ppl, or even just follow the solo path for a while, rather than tolerate a continuing insult to their integrity.

July 26, 2016

Gaeta: beautiful reply, that's how i was imagining in my head the conversation would go. I am just sad that this is burdening me and yet have to wait until i get back home, but i understand over the phone probably wont have the desired effect.

smackie: we are just planning to, as in long term planning. But buying a dog, yes.

Jen: yes, i am trying hard not to say anything that will hurt her back, because i believe vengeance is no way to go.

someone who has self respect and options is that the victim would start to withdraw emotionally and pursue other possibilities w other ppl, or even just follow the solo path for a while, rather than tolerate a continuing insult to their integrity.

Well said and that's what's happening. I told her she is losing part of my love every time she says that and she has said it 3 times since that conversation a week ago, lol.

July 26, 2016

Well said and that's what's happening. I told her she is losing part of my love every time she says that and she has said it 3 times since that conversation a week ago, lol.

Hmmm ....ever consider that maybe she's trying to push you out?

July 26, 2016

I am on business trip until 8.8.2016...We left on extremely well terms, looking at newly made foto-album of us, having good sex where we tried something new that she liked a lot (and came from) and then cuddled.

Still, should i wait with the conversation until i get back?

July 26, 2016

Jen: no, definitely not. She is the kind of woman that simply ignores you if she is not interested...Besides, she is showing me her love in numerous ways, through intimacy, through nice texts, small gifts, small favores she does for me etc...That's why i find it so shocking, its almost like why the hell you gotta keep on saying **** and creating an abyss between us with everything else working so perfect

July 26, 2016

Jen: no, definitely not. She is the kind of woman that simply ignores you if she is not interested...Besides, she is showing me her love in numerous ways, through intimacy, through nice texts, small gifts, small favores she does for me etc...That's why i find it so shocking, its almost like why the hell you gotta keep on saying **** and creating an abyss between us with everything else working so perfect

Have you ever asked her if she wants to open up the relationship? (Not to pitch the idea, but to see if that's what she's after.)

There's quite a bit about this whole collusion of characteristics that doesn't really add up. Loyal girl who openly admires other men, sweet girl who treats you like crap in some ways, considerate girl who's inconsiderate about your feelings, etc. Don't want to scare you or make you paranoid but that's 'secret life' type material.

July 26, 2016

However, she is teasing me with other men. Men she lets me know, she finds attractive, sexy, cute etc. She is being playful and says and insists she is just kidding, but also confesses to "truth being in every joke".

....She says it playfully almost kinda wanting some reaction

Bingo. Since she says it playfully and flirty, sounds like this is her attempt at getting you a bit riled up, and wants to playfully banter with you.

Hit her with it right back! Playfully of course... make it a fun banter. Tease her, get her riled up!

Teasing, bantering, getting each other riled up (in a fun way) is a great prelude for some hot sex too....

If she had said it seriously, contemptuously, I would be inclined to agree with jen.... it's a way to push you away (albeit subconsciously), or testing your tolerance level..... but it doesn't sound like that is what is happening here.

She's just teasing, playing, so play with her back!

Edited July 26, 2016 by katiegrl

July 26, 2016

She's just teasing, playing, so play with her back!

It's tormenting him.

It's not fun or sexy.

I can't imagine every other day my boyfriend telling me he's shaving for my hot lady neighbor then add in every joke there's a hint of truth. And this would go on and on and on? You would put up with that?

If a woman came on here and posted the same:

- oh, Nancy is coming? I'll make sure to dress nicely then

- I must clean up the apartment...How about Jennie would come and help me...

- If i had to choose, i would much rather **** Annette instead of Angie

- I had to talk with customer service representative, thank god she was cute

Wouldn't that grow old fast?

Edited July 26, 2016 by Gaeta

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I am in good, serious relationship with my gf. BUT she teases/talks about other men

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