Hot & Cold, up and down

[spmh1017]

So, I'm trying to wrap my head around this constant feeling of up and down, hot and cold my GF dishes at me..mind you, this may be in my head.

 

So, last week it started, tho its always been a constant thing..heres how it went down and the argument that took place.

 

We talk via text alot and I will text a sentence or two and I get these one to 2 word answers/responses usally 5-10min between. Like I will say 2-3 sentences about work or something and she will respond 10min later with "ok" "I'm glad" "sounds good"

 

This goes on for 2 days, I ask "is something wrong" she says no. 2 more days go by, I ask again, she says no again and says "Will you stop please"

Another day goes by of this and she flips out when I say "Your barely talking to me"

She says its not her job to carry a conversation, says shes not their to entertain me, says by constantly asking of somethings wrong and she says No means Im not trusting her. Says if she has a problem she has no issue telling me. I say Im sorry, say I accept that answer and I wont bug her about it again.

 

Then we spend 2 days together, Fri and Sun. Sun morning I leave and go home, she has plans all day to spend with her family.

 

The whole day (Sun.) while shes out with her family I'm getting spammed text from her. Hearts, I love yous, your so hot, "when am I getting you in my bed again?"

The whole time she is out Sun my phone is blowing up and I it feels good.

 

Then yesterday (Mon) back to 1-2 word text, back to long waits between responses, back to a feeling of distance.

 

 

Sometimes I wonder if shes testing me. I wonder if she pulls back.

She told me Sat how I was her "person" how when we met and went on a date and then I dated around for a month before are next date she kept telling her friends "Hes my person, he will be back. Hes the one Ive been waiting for"

Then Sunday night she told me how after her co-workers met me they told her "You are SO lucky. Your a lucky stiff" which I googled and it meant when an average joe hits the jack-pot. She kinda got angry when she told me about people telling her she was lucky, she said "I didnt get lucky! I worked my butt off to get you!"

 

Heres the crazy part...

Next month we start living together. She bought a house and at first was coy saying things like "Now I need a roommate" but I knew what she meant, then she asked "Wanna live with me?"

I said yes and this last month or two Ive sold my house and we've been doing inspections, doing paper work, etc..

 

Now this has turned into her saying during every disagreement "I bought you a house!"

I laughed this off and finally said "No, you bought YOU a house and just need a roommate. Im just the best choice."

She flipped out and started saying "Oh, you didnt notice its located closer to your work! Didnt notice it has the dog area you always wanted, I dont even have dogs! Noticed its in the best school districts for your son! I researched the schools! Your my person dammit! Etc.."

Basically lamenting how the house was planned and bought all surrounding my needs/wants.

 

 

So, part of me feels like she's worried about being "to weak" maybe? Like she does and says all these things and then pulls back out of fear of me realizing how completely wrapped up in me she really is?

 

Perhaps Im just over thinking things?

[Sunnymae]

Stop tortuing yourself, please! You deserve to be treated better. I would not consider anyone that treats me like this a friend/ GF. You got a lot going for you start looking elsewhere. Please I only read the first paragraph, and it made me furious, reminded me of how my ex treated me. Trust me it'll only get worse.

[leogirl876]

If you want to have conversation with her, then stop texting her and pick up the phone instead. Now, she may be blowing you off and if she is, then you'll need to rethink your approach, but texting has become too much the norm today. People need to be having real conversations.

[ChatroomHero]

I don't know, I think maybe it's a push pull thing but more likely not. When you stated that she said she bought you a house, it seemed like a red flag but when she mentioned an area for the dog, closer to your work, good schools, it almost sounds like she put a lot of thought in it on your behalf.

 

 

If you take away the short text answers, is everything else ok? If she is at work or doing things sometimes texting is annoying and a short answer might be like saying politely, stop texting.

 

 

Sometimes if I am busy I get texts during the day and answer short and quick. I'm not angry or anything like that, just busy and not trying to get in a 40 minute back and forth texting conversation. The same way if someone calls and you are doing something and ignore it because you don't want to get in a 30 minute conversation.

 

 

If you were to text her and she responded with a short answer and you just accepted it as she couldn't text at that time and nothing malicious, would everything otherwise be good? If so, I'd take her at her word and not read anything in to a short text answer if nothing else is happening.

[jellybean824]

Sounds like you both have invested a lot of time in this relationship. How long have you been together? Sometimes, after the initial "newness" of a relationship wears off, things can seem to "go cold." Maybe your relationship is just needing a booster; something to amp up the romance, so to speak. Moving in together is a huge commitment. Are you on board with that decision? Sounds like she has made more of the decisions in that area. Is this something you are comfortable with? It is unlikely that she will change her established pattern of behavior, unless you bring it to her attention. If this is bothering you, have a face-to-face conversation. Direct communication is the best way to clarify some of the grey areas of this relationship.

[smackie9]

Hot and cold, up and down? She sounds like she's bi-polar. I really think you need to not going into this blindly. Have that conversation about her behavior......it's not normal.

[bachdude]

I wonder how she would take it if when she sent you all sorts of love hearts you replied with short, distant texts. I wonder if she expects you to be warm when she is warm and distant when she is distant. This leaves you at the whim of her moods.

 

 

I think it's normal for people from time to time to be distant but it can be a bad sign if it happens regularly.

 

 

And let me see if I understand correctly: She bought a house around YOUR needs BEFORE you had discussed living together, and then holds it over your head?

[spmh1017]

We've been together for over a year now. I always feel like I'm lost in whats what, I feel abundantly loved one minute and the next sad cause I feel like maybe I'm not so loved, maybe I'm being used, perhaps I did something..So, I do love her, tremendously...I chalk alot of my bad feelings up to being insecure or not an experienced dater.

Quick bio of us: I'm 36, widower, single dad of a 15 year old. Shes 32, never married, no kids. Both well off financially etc..

 

Heres the conundrum I'm currently facing that confuses me..

 

So, we lived about an hour apart and would talk about living together from time to time since we spent so much time together. She lived in the city, me in the woods. She wanted to move back to the burbs and was always looking at houses. She finds a beautiful house and puts in a bid for for it and then places a CL add for a roommate. 2 or 3 days later she ask me if I wanted to move in with her. I own my home and I am a single dad, just me and my son.

I think about at and agree. sell my house the day before she closes and we all move in together on her closing day, perfect timing. Shes over joyed. From the moment I say yes to this shes constantly will say "I bought you a house" it as a type of armor in any argument or me jokingly saying "how much do you love me"

When I say "You didnt buy me a house, you bought yourself one and asked me to move in with you" She will say things like how she knew the max distance I will travel for work and how she made sure it was in that range, she will say how the school district is amazing and how she picked it to be that way for my son, how the sports program is also since he plays sports etc... Part of me thinks this is all pure lucky circumstance, but another part of me thinks maybe its me having a general mis-trust of people and shes being honest.

When I ask her "Dont you think its kind of crazy that after a year we are living together?" She says she doesnt find it odd cause we would eventually one day and also attributes it to not being a big deal cause 8 years ago she did it (when she was 24) with a guy after 3 months.

 

So, 2 days after we move in together she leaves for her parents beach house for 7 days.

I take a day and drive down to the beach (only like 45min from the house) to see her.

 

Spend sometime with her family and her then me and her head out for drinks. We are talking and I say something along the lines of "I sometimes wish I had dated much more before we met cause I feel so dumb sometimes" Which is kinda true. I dated one woman for 3 months before her after my wife passed away, she on the other hand is 32 and I'm guessing has dated well over 50 people in the last few years

 

She didnt like this one bit I guess because the day before she is to return from the beach she brings it up via text and says things along the lines of "Maybe one day your make me feel like I'm enough for you" also saying "I'm real happy you want to sleep with a bunch of women" etc..

 

I reassure I only meant I feel inexperienced, naive and confused sometimes. She doesnt listen. She chalks it up to me thinking she isnt enough and also me wanting to sleep with other women.

 

I then try to say, what I feel is in my heart..I say to her "You are my happiness. You really are my everything and I would do just about anything to make whatever love you have for me grow even more"

 

She tells me what I said is unhealthy...she tells me saying "Shes my everything" is unhealthy to say, says saying "I would do anything for you" is unhealthy. I tell her I feel as if she doesnt appreciate me and how some people might think its sweet. She tells me 'I think it be sweet to talk to me like a person and let me take care of myself and you take care of yourself"

She tells me to google the things I'm saying cause they are unhealthy...I feel feel bad now...Shes telling me if I keep wanting to think about sleeping with other women and saying unhealthy things then this wont work..wind is sucked out of me..I just went all in with this girl and I feel like she kicked me in the gut.

 

Rest of the day are texting goes fine. I'm kinda hurt but I drop it.

 

I decide before the end of the day to get her flowers, a balloon and a stuffed animal. As a welcome home type gift. I get all 3 and place them on the kitchen table before I go to bed cause I know as soon as she walks in she will see them. They dont have any "Welcome Home" balloons so as a joke I get a balloon that says "Your #1" hoping she finds it odd and gets a chuckle out of it. I dont get a card but as a bit of a part-time artist draw and elaborate card up with beautiful writing and some cartoon chraters she likes holding hearts and doing funny things.

 

Next morning she comes home, wake me up with a kiss. I ask "Did you like the flowers"

She says "Oh they were for me?"...um who else would they be for? That kinda hurts..

I'm working overnights this week so I go back to sleep and say I'll be up an another hour or two.

I get up and head out to living room and then mention balloon "Hey, did you think the balloon was funny?"...she says "What? I didnt read it"...well, that kinda stings.

 

Now its 2 or 3 hours since shes been home and I finally make my way to the kitchen and take a look at the flowers...she never even opened the card yet..Its been sitting on top, unopened...

 

This whole interaction...these 3 days, the flowers incident, the smashing what I think are acts of love or kindness into saying I am unhealthy...this is what our whole relationship has been like...but for some reason I love her. I came home from work today and she woke up for a minute and smiled and gave me a kiss and I melted, I watched her sleep and fell more in love with her glow. We spent today together and it was nice. Only time she got angry or things got wierd is when I told her I left a couple hundred bucks in the kitchen cabinet as money she can pull from to get grocery, gas, etc.. if I'm not home. She got kinda uppity and said "Look, I got my own money and I dont need you taking care of me!"...I wasnt trying to be a jerk but once again I seemed to do something during the day that was over the line which I saw just as an act of love and security.

She grabbed my butt a million times, whistles when I took my shirt off, asked to make me dinner to take to work and had coffee waiting for me when I woke up...I felt great all day...BUTTTT...and maybe I'm being petty, she text me before bed and said "Getting sleepy" so I said "Ok, I'll be home in the morning. Love and miss you beautiful, save me a place." and she just sent back a "K" then a bunch of sleeping face emoji's...seemed wierd.

 

And now for some reason, since the "You want to sleep with other women" thing came up she has changed her way of saying I love you too me.

Since the day I first ever told her I loved her she has ALWAYS responded saying "I love you more" and has attributed this to the fact that she pursued me. Saying she loves me more cause she saw me and always wanted me while I was very luke warm about her for a few months.

Now, over the last 3 or 4 days she will say "I love you waaaay more then you love me." even when I text her "I love you" a few times saying "Well I love you waaay more and thats a true story"

Its gone to her loving me more since she pursued me to now her some how me acting or doing something that has proved its fact not only does she love me more but now its "Waaaaay" more then I love her.

 

My friend tells me shes broken...tells me she is just bitter and heartless and men have broken her down so much she has no heart left to give. He thinks she just doesnt want to be alone. He says I adopted a roommate that I can have sex with pretty much.

 

I love her...I THINK she loves me..I'm just tired of feeling amazing one moment then the next feeling sad. And now I feel stuck, like I made such a terrible mistake jumping into this setting.

But now my son is going to one of the best schools in the state and just joined one of the best sports teams also...

Part of me feels like I need to shut down my heart and play the part for his sake. Eat the pain for 4 years and pray things change so he has a good chance at this school in this big house in this great neighborhood. We dont fight or yell so he doesnt know and wont know the knives she sticks into my heart all the time. I feel like my only option is to hope things fix themselves and she is better to me or I adjust and develop a mask.

[madjac74]

Can you imagine how your son would feel if he discovered you were weathering a miserable situation just for his college career? I'm sure he would have difficulty putting you in that situation even if he appreciated the gesture.

 

How long were you widowed before you entered this relationship? Because I know when I was divorced I clung to a relationship quickly even though it was a disaster for me and my family. My self esteem was low and she was pretty, fun and had a nice big house and I put up with a lot of crazy because I felt I had to.

[spmh1017]

Can you imagine how your son would feel if he discovered you were weathering a miserable situation just for his college career? I'm sure he would have difficulty putting you in that situation even if he appreciated the gesture.

 

How long were you widowed before you entered this relationship? Because I know when I was divorced I clung to a relationship quickly even though it was a disaster for me and my family. My self esteem was low and she was pretty, fun and had a nice big house and I put up with a lot of crazy because I felt I had to.

 

Around 2 years before I started dating.

 

First I met a beautiful woman, crazy, but beautiful. She promised me the world and we had an incredible sex for 3 months till I figured she was using me for my money.

 

Then just as that relationship was ending this one came along and pursued me HARD. She was wonderful, made me laugh, was great to me.

 

After about 3 months into the relationship the honeymoon stage has wore off for her and she got more and more "heartless" towards me. Its not all the time tho. She can be loving one moment then distant the next or just outright mean.

 

Also, our sex even took a turn after that 3 months. We argued about it, how she was very selfish during sex and very vanilla. She told me I was mistaken, that I had this idea she was "sexually experienced" and I need to treat her like a virgin.

Well, during the move just recently I came across her list and its more then twice as many lovers as Ive ever had (shes had 40+) I found firends of her names on it, guys 30 years older then her etc..

 

I dont get it.

I'm a generally handsome guy...she knows it and gets jealous when women flirt with me. I make good money and, not to be a narcissist, think I'm one hell of a catch do to my looks, finances, take care of my self physically etc.. but she treats me so poorly.

She even gives me crap for even going to the gym, telling me to stop cause I'm perfect and dont need to waste my time.

 

Shes been single and alone for years, told me about how she thoguht she would die alone one day.

When I expressed jealousy about her going out or a guy talking to her she says things like "Dont worry, nobody wants me beside you. Nobody wanted me for 6 years till you came along."

 

I feel like I've been tricked...I feel like I deserve better, like she doesnt appreciate me.

 

I feel like its welling up inside me and I'm gonna explode and say these things.

[madjac74]

Her negativity must be so frustrating. I know a lot of women play those games where they play the negativity thing even though they are amazing. I think they just want reassurance. Heck I joke about it sometimes even though I am a pretty handsome guy for a 42 yr old. It seems like you go out of your way to make her feel special though. She might just be a greedy princess!

[Alltohim]

You both have come from a differentperspective, you've been in a relationship and she has had a lot of disappointing relationships. It looksas though the best outcome would come from finding a “middle”person, a person to balance things out between both of you and talkit out. Maybe moving in was a bit too premature, but you've toto do what you've got to do now!

[Robert]

We'll close this thread up to avoid any overlap and confusion with this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind-body-soul/sexual-reproductive-health-practices/593984-i-found-her-list-my-world-spinning

 

~6