Can I get back to you on that... time to move on?

July 26, 2016

Hi there

I'm a widow with a 6 year old, and I've been dating a guy for about 6 months. We're both in our 40s and he's single, never been married, no kids.

We've managed to see each other once or twice a week most of the time, with a little texting in between dates.

He's an interesting man and we get on really well. However because I don't see him that often and we can't just hang out - we have to be out while the babysitter is at home with my child - I feel like I still don't know him that well; sometimes it feels more a FWB arrangement than boyfriend-girlfriend.

Consequently, I wasn't in a rush to introduce him to my little one. My child would love a new daddy and I didn't want to put my boyfriend under undue pressure or end up with a brokenhearted child if the relationship didn't work out.

That said, if we could spend some time together with my little one (who could get to know him as one of mummy's friends for now), I feel I'd have a chance to get to know him better and see him relaxing, doing dinner and TV, not on a date. Plus, I'm keen to see how he goes with my little one, of course.

I suggested that we do a picnic sometime all together, and he was noncommital. So, I asked my boyfriend whether he wanted to meet my child and he paused and said, "Can I get back to you on that?"

I appreciate it's not a decision to take lightly, but at 6 months am I wrong in expecting him to have thought about it?

I've backed right off and I'm taking the view that if he's not at least open to meeting my child at some point it's not going to work out.

Should I give it more time, or is he never going to be ready? Or am I rushing the introductions because the whole 1-2 times a week thing isn't working for me anymore, but it's totally reasonable to wait longer?

I'd love your input!

July 26, 2016

i'm sorry, but it doesn't seem like he is very interested in having a serious relationship with you -- or anyone possibly. if he has managed to get to his 40s without marriage or children, he might be a lifetime bachelor. more relevant here is that, if he is content to see you and sleep with you only once a week, he is only lukewarm about this relationship. is the relationship supposed to be exclusive?

i don't think you should put all your eggs in this guy's basket. it sounds like you and your little one have been through enough.

July 26, 2016

in my opinion, 6 months is plenty long enough to come to terms with a partner's situation, and if it's been 6 months, I would think your partner would not only be prepared to meet your child, but would be eager enthusiastic and happy to do so.

I met my husband's son 4 months after we got together as a couple. He's a lovely child, and we get on very well. I couldn't wait to meet him.

So, yes, I think You're a FWB. I agree. End this.

This is just my opinion. I'm sure others may think in a different way.

July 26, 2016

He is not interested in anything further than a FWB a couple times a week. A man that would want more would have escalate the relationship to something more official by now I assure you.

As a mother I have always made a point of dating men who were fathers. You will realize in time with dating other men that men that are fathers will mesh better with you.

Also 6 months is too long to introduce your son. As you said how can you build a contact with someone if you just see him 1 or 2 times a week. I think 3 months is reasonable time to introduce a 6 yo. We are not talking sleep over boyfriend here but picnics, roller-blading, swimming pool, type of activities.

July 26, 2016

Hey there, joyful

The relationship is exclusive, I just feel like we've stalled. And if he isn't sure he wants to meet my child, it's not going to get any more serious - it's going to end.

Perhaps he is just happy to be a bachelor.

July 26, 2016

He definitely should want to meet your child after 6 months. If he were truly interested in you he would have offered to take you both out by now. It's best that your child not meet this man because it doesn't seem like he will be around. This is definitely a FWB relationship and he's letting you know it.

July 26, 2016

As a mother I have always made a point of dating men who were fathers. You will realize in time with dating other men that men that are fathers will mesh better with you.

Also 6 months is too long to introduce your son. As you said how can you build a contact with someone if you just see him 1 or 2 times a week. I think 3 months is reasonable time to introduce a 6 yo. We are not talking sleep over boyfriend here but picnics, roller-blading, swimming pool, type of activities.

Hi Gaeta

Yes - I did wonder when he said he was single, no kids at 40 if it was even worth trying. Guess I've learnt my lesson; he's a nice man and it's been fun.

I didn't do introductions sooner partly because my boyfriend wasn't pushing for it, and maybe I also had my reservations about whether it was going to last. A bullet dodged this time, I think, but hopefully the whole meet-and-greet will come up sooner and more naturally when I meet the right guy.

July 26, 2016

in my opinion, 6 months is plenty long enough to come to terms with a partner's situation, and if it's been 6 months, I would think your partner would not only be prepared to meet your child, but would be eager enthusiastic and happy to do so.
I met my husband's son 4 months after we got together as a couple. He's a lovely child, and we get on very well. I couldn't wait to meet him.
So, yes, I think You're a FWB. I agree. End this.
This is just my opinion. I'm sure others may think in a different way.

Thanks, heartfeltlove. I was really hoping it would turn into something more than it is, but if he isn't keen to meet my child, then he certainly isn't The One. That said, it's been fun, just ultimately not what I want in the long-term.

July 26, 2016

He definitely should want to meet your child after 6 months. If he were truly interested in you he would have offered to take you both out by now. It's best that your child not meet this man because it doesn't seem like he will be around. This is definitely a FWB relationship and he's letting you know it.

Agreed. I'm reframing the whole thing as FWB and I won't be suggesting he meet my little one again. Will see if I call it off or enjoy the FWB perks for a bit longer...

July 26, 2016

I'm 44 with two kids and a house that needs work.

I also have friends and other projects.

Twice a week can be too much if you have things to do.

I meet a lot of women who have nothing to do but sit home and watch Netflix.

So I would not be spending more than that with a woman unless it was serious.

Now,him not wanting to meet your kid is iffy also because you apparently want a new daddy.

Did he know that when you started dating?

July 27, 2016

I'm 44 with two kids and a house that needs work.
I also have friends and other projects.

Twice a week can be too much if you have things to do.
I meet a lot of women who have nothing to do but sit home and watch Netflix.

So I would not be spending more than that with a woman unless it was serious.

Now,him not wanting to meet your kid is iffy also because you apparently want a new daddy.

Did he know that when you started dating?

Hi there, Phineas

It's not so much me that wants a new daddy, as what my child's expectations would be if I was in a serious relationship with someone. When you're divorced or separated your kids usually still have a dad in the picture in some capacity, so you don't necessarily expect a new partner to step into those shoes. I can raise my child alone but if I have a partner, I think my little one would view that person as daddy.

My boyfriend did know that I was a widow with a small child from the start - we shared all that background when we first met. And, I admit, I had my reservations when I heard he'd never been married and had no kids of his own. I haven't met very many people who really love and want children and haven't had any by age 40. So I guess that was a red flag I'll keep in mind next time.

However, it's academic now; he texted this morning to tell me he's thought about it and doesn't want to be involved with my or anyone else's children, and we've called it quits. I've learned a lot and I'll know better next time.

July 27, 2016

Aw. That's a good learning, rj243. I'm sure it hurts. Thank you for sharing your experience.

I would have the same question in your sitch - I previously thought one year was appropriate to hold off until a new person met my three. In my current (new) relationship, we've done a few friend-ly activities as you suggest, and it's been 3 months. And it feels right.

Keep trusting your gut.

July 27, 2016

I think it's reasonable to discuss the meet the kids situation pretty early, like a month in, even if you don't actually arrange a meetup till, say, three months.

That way you know sooner if a guy is interested in all that (some are. Some are not)

Better luck with the next one

July 27, 2016

I think it's reasonable to discuss the meet the kids situation pretty early, like a month in, even if you don't actually arrange a meetup till, say, three months.
That way you know sooner if a guy is interested in all that (some are. Some are not)

Better luck with the next one

It's a bit of a balancing act, isn't it? You want to get to know someone without always talking about kids, but you also need to know that they really like kids and are comfortable knowing that if they date you seriously, they're getting a family, not just a girlfriend.

This was the first person I've dated since my husband died. It's been 10 years since I was last dating and the first time I've dated as a single parent. All up, it's been a positive experience but there are things that I'll handle differently next time.

July 27, 2016

Hi there, Phineas

It's not so much me that wants a new daddy, as what my child's expectations would be if I was in a serious relationship with someone. When you're divorced or separated your kids usually still have a dad in the picture in some capacity, so you don't necessarily expect a new partner to step into those shoes. I can raise my child alone but if I have a partner, I think my little one would view that person as daddy.

My boyfriend did know that I was a widow with a small child from the start - we shared all that background when we first met. And, I admit, I had my reservations when I heard he'd never been married and had no kids of his own. I haven't met very many people who really love and want children and haven't had any by age 40. So I guess that was a red flag I'll keep in mind next time.

However, it's academic now; he texted this morning to tell me he's thought about it and doesn't want to be involved with my or anyone else's children, and we've called it quits. I've learned a lot and I'll know better next time.

I have to say, when I meet women who reach 40 without being married or having kids they are usually not right in the head.

They either don't like kids or have emotional issues and super clingy.

Not all just most.

Some just can't have kids due to medical reasons .

July 28, 2016

I suggested that we do a picnic sometime all together, and he was noncommital. So, I asked my boyfriend whether he wanted to meet my child and he paused and said, "Can I get back to you on that?"

I appreciate it's not a decision to take lightly, but at 6 months am I wrong in expecting him to have thought about it?

Before you jump to conclusions about what his response really means, maybe you should wait until he 'gets back to you on that..' If he comes back reasonably enthusiastic, you don't have much to worry about. If he avoids talking about it for an extended period of time, your initial reaction was probably right.

One possibility: You and most of the commenters were right and he wasn't as interested as you originally thought.

Another possibility: He is as into the relationship as much as you would like, but was caught off guard (or had a different timeline in mind). It sounds like you had finally decided it was a good time for your BF to meet your son and suggested it.

What would you do if a boyfriend (not necessarily this one) suggested he meet your son before you had thought about letting that happen. A response of "I'd like to think about it a bit and get back to you' would be a pretty reasonable reaction.

July 28, 2016

I am going to go against the rest of the advice here and say it is actually too early.

6 months is a bit early and someone suggested 3 months which is ridiculously soon.

The thing is, if you introduce a child to a new friend, that you do fun activities with, picnics, roller blading, etc then the child could get some pleasure from that and actually begin to really like mommys new friend.

At 3 months it is still just dating and at 6 months too. Why involve a child in that?

If you introduce a child too early when you are still finding out if you work together or not, then the relationship breaks up and then not just you, but your child are upset over losing this guy potentially.

Keep your son out of your dating until you are sure this guy is a winner. But call him on it, say you dont think he is really interested and end it.

July 28, 2016

Hi there, Phineas

It's not so much me that wants a new daddy, as what my child's expectations would be if I was in a serious relationship with someone. When you're divorced or separated your kids usually still have a dad in the picture in some capacity, so you don't necessarily expect a new partner to step into those shoes. I can raise my child alone but if I have a partner, I think my little one would view that person as daddy.

My boyfriend did know that I was a widow with a small child from the start - we shared all that background when we first met. And, I admit, I had my reservations when I heard he'd never been married and had no kids of his own. I haven't met very many people who really love and want children and haven't had any by age 40. So I guess that was a red flag I'll keep in mind next time.

However, it's academic now; he texted this morning to tell me he's thought about it and doesn't want to be involved with my or anyone else's children, and we've called it quits. I've learned a lot and I'll know better next time.

Ah I missed that. So sorry, but at least you know now.

July 28, 2016

I have to say, when I meet women who reach 40 without being married or having kids they are usually not right in the head.

Yet another "If you've never been married by a certain age, there's something wrong with you" post.

Quite the generalization you've made there as one has nothing to do with the other. I've met my share of divorced nutjobs myself, some of which were mentally damaged from their previous marriage.

July 28, 2016

Yet another "If you've never been married by a certain age, there's something wrong with you" post.

Quite the generalization you've made there as one has nothing to do with the other. I've met my share of divorced nutjobs myself, some of which were mentally damaged from their previous marriage.

Exactly.

I am late 30s and would love children but have never had the chance.

Why? Worked too hard, had too muhc college debt to pay off so couldnt afford to go out and meet people.

Then I have been cheated on by my last 2 major boyfriends. What could I do about that?

I guess I should be judged for not having married and had a child yet.

July 28, 2016

Exactly.

I am late 30s and would love children but have never had the chance.

Why? Worked too hard, had too muhc college debt to pay off so couldnt afford to go out and meet people.

Then I have been cheated on by my last 2 major boyfriends. What could I do about that?

I guess I should be judged for not having married and had a child yet.

There are that plenty that do judge. I actually had a TWICE divorced woman judge me on that. I was like, "You shouldn't even bother with a husband #3" lol

At that point, they've proven they aren't marriage material.

Personally, I think someone that's been divorced twice has something wrong with them than never being married.

July 28, 2016

There are that plenty that do judge. I actually had a TWICE divorced woman judge me on that. I was like, "You shouldn't even bother with a husband #3" lol

At that point, they've proven they aren't marriage material.

Personally, I think someone that's been divorced twice has something wrong with them than never being married.

Oh I know. I get judged for all sorts of things.

Sometimes a man in his forties who has never married or had a child is that way because he cannot have healthy relationships or is a bad partner or doesn't want a child, etc. Same for women.

But for alot of the time: it is just bad luck, bad timing, bad whatever.

July 28, 2016

What kind of surprises me, I meet women over 40, never married no kids (which is what I prefer, as I'm in the same situation), that WANT kids. After I reached the 40 mark, I decided not to have them...not sure why they would though...just no desire to be an AARP member and a parent at the same time. lol Don't want to be an elderly parent.

Sometimes a man in his forties who has never married or had a child is that way because he cannot have healthy relationships or is a bad partner or doesn't want a child, etc. Same for women.

Right, they think you're someone that's just sleeping with tons of women. lol. And these people never want to HEAR your story or your reasons.

Edited July 28, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst

July 28, 2016

What kind of surprises me, I meet women over 40, never married no kids (which is what I prefer, as I'm in the same situation), that WANT kids. After I reached the 40 mark, I decided not to have them...not sure why they would though...just no desire to be an AARP member and a parent at the same time. lol Don't want to be an elderly parent.

Right, they think you're someone that's just sleeping with tons of women. lol. And these people never want to HEAR your story or your reasons.

Well my mom was 45 when I was born.....

Not sure I would do it. But it can be done. But I agree, not wanting to be an AARP while your child is in college is a big factor.

July 28, 2016

How is it that you have been with this guy for 6 months and he hasn't met your son even once? Coincidence or timing?

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Can I get back to you on that... time to move on?

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