Feeling threatened by his best female friend...need insights

[adilaurentis]

Posting this on behalf of a friend because I went through a similar experience and was in a lot of pain because of this, and I really couldn't come up with any better perspectives on it. My friend has been dating a guy for almost 7 months and they established a serious relationship status back in May. The guy is super attentive, considerate, sensitive, and overall a nice person, and seems really into my friend. He loves her and constantly says that she's fulfilled his life like no one has before and she makes him a better person. However, he grew up interested in arts, culture, and history that he's not a "typical" guy who likes sports and other dude-ly stuff (pardon the stereotype here for lack of better description ), therefore he gets along with most people fine but he kind of has trouble making dude friends (not that he's not "masculine enough; he just finds himself having nothing to contribute when it comes to sports talk and loud bar games with guys).

 

So although he's been in this area of four years now, he doesn't really have any close friends, and has been only knowing women in the process of finding dates, etc. He met this girl at a social event a year ago and got along well immediately, and he was attracted to her right away. Later he found out that the girl is actually 5 years older than him and is also going through a divorce, so he realized that it's not what he's looking for and decided not to pursue her. They've remained friends ever since, and now this girl has become his ONLY friend.

 

My friend told me that the guy had been mostly very upfront about his friendship with that girl and also recently introduced them to meet, which is a good sign. My friend said that she could tell that they are very close and she immediately sensed that there might be some history between them. She tried her best to avoid acting all jealous and controlling, and jokingly asked him if they had any history, and he said no and admitted that he was attracted to her at first but also there are a lot of things about her that he doesn't like in a potential long term gf/wife material (ex. she's can be a high maintenance diva whereas my friend is very easygoing, sweet and down to earth) besides the age difference and divorce thing.

 

He also mentioned that a few months ago when he was out at a party with her and some of her friends, she had too much to drink and he had to take her home (since they live very close). He stayed at her place that night and slept on the couch and basically took care of her a little bit. Personally I can see that happen since he's just a nice and sensitive guy (that probably a lot of people take advantage of his kindness actually). He said they'd never slept together or kissed or anything. He's kissed her on the cheeks before, though.

 

Now that girl is definitely aware of my friend's existence and she said she's happy for the guy because she can tell that he looks so happy with my friend. She's actively dating too and is obviously hitting it off with some guy too but it's still in the early dating stage.

 

My friend feels that having someone like this around is not making her feel too comfortable. It's one thing that your boyfriend has a lot of friends with both males and females only, but it's a whole different story when he has only one friend who happens to be a female he's attracted to and used to be interested in. My friend feels like that girl is a threat, despite her boyfriend has been pretty honest and also showed nothing but affection and full attention to her.

 

Any advice for this situation? Should my friend worry? Or is this really no problem?

[Lady2163]

This can work, but your friend is going to have to have a tough conversation with him.

 

He has to have rock solid boundaries with the best friend. He has to understand that there should never be anything planned where the gf is not automatically included. That doesn't mean she has to attend the lecture on 20th century presidential elections, but if there are only two tickets available, the boyfriend should automatically say no or....well, ask permission of a sort.

 

The gf is going to have to be aware that buttons can be pushed. I had a boyfriend once who constantly cancelled our plans at the last minute because his exgirlfriend was his best friend and had a messed up life. However, it was amazing the crap he pulled. One time, I met someone who was waiting tables at at restaurant in town that was backed up in reservations for 6-8 weeks. I got us reservations. The night we were supposed to go, a couple of hours beforehand, his ex had an emergency and he just couldn't leave her and had to help her.

 

I decided to go to the restaurant by myself and when I got there, I was told that the party was already seated. Sure enough, even though it was reserved in my name, he was there with her. "Well, we still had to eat, I didn't think you'd care..." Only she thought he had scored the reservations and didn't know he was dating someone else. It was not pretty. I had them thrown out of the restaurant. The name on my ID matched the reservation name and my contact also pointed out that he made the reservation for me.

 

More people need to ask questions in these situations. This isn't all that different than having a friendly relationship with your ex, who is the father or mother of your children.

 

How much time alone do you think you should spend with him/her?

How much time do you think you should spend co-parenting without my presence?

What emergencies or diva like behavior are you going to cater to him/her?

 

I'm sure Google has a bunch of different scenarios. In my case, the emergencies were pretty flimsy and often lies. In retrospect, there were many times he'd say to me, "Jane's son is in trouble at school and she needs me to go see the principal with her. But don't tell her I told you." Somehow after seeing the principal, it made the most sense for them to go hang out at the bar for three hours. I was supposed to be stupid.

 

It also helps that the bestie has other friends.

[adilaurentis]

This can work, but your friend is going to have to have a tough conversation with him.

 

He has to have rock solid boundaries with the best friend. He has to understand that there should never be anything planned where the gf is not automatically included. That doesn't mean she has to attend the lecture on 20th century presidential elections, but if there are only two tickets available, the boyfriend should automatically say no or....well, ask permission of a sort.

 

The gf is going to have to be aware that buttons can be pushed. I had a boyfriend once who constantly cancelled our plans at the last minute because his exgirlfriend was his best friend and had a messed up life. However, it was amazing the crap he pulled. One time, I met someone who was waiting tables at at restaurant in town that was backed up in reservations for 6-8 weeks. I got us reservations. The night we were supposed to go, a couple of hours beforehand, his ex had an emergency and he just couldn't leave her and had to help her.

 

I decided to go to the restaurant by myself and when I got there, I was told that the party was already seated. Sure enough, even though it was reserved in my name, he was there with her. "Well, we still had to eat, I didn't think you'd care..." Only she thought he had scored the reservations and didn't know he was dating someone else. It was not pretty. I had them thrown out of the restaurant. The name on my ID matched the reservation name and my contact also pointed out that he made the reservation for me.

 

More people need to ask questions in these situations. This isn't all that different than having a friendly relationship with your ex, who is the father or mother of your children.

 

How much time alone do you think you should spend with him/her?

How much time do you think you should spend co-parenting without my presence?

What emergencies or diva like behavior are you going to cater to him/her?

 

I'm sure Google has a bunch of different scenarios. In my case, the emergencies were pretty flimsy and often lies. In retrospect, there were many times he'd say to me, "Jane's son is in trouble at school and she needs me to go see the principal with her. But don't tell her I told you." Somehow after seeing the principal, it made the most sense for them to go hang out at the bar for three hours. I was supposed to be stupid.

 

It also helps that the bestie has other friends.

 

Thanks. Interesting stuff. I agree that my friend should probably keep an eye open on things and ask her bf to set some boundaries with that girl. From her own description, though, that the girl seemed pretty respectful of her and their relationship. After the first time he introduced them to each other at a happy hour, the girl's having a birthday brunch with a bunch of friends that following weekend, and she asked the guy to bring my friend along.

 

Also, both my friend and her bf are 29 years old, and that girl is 34. So they are kind of in the "young" group with no bother of kids issues, fortunately. I think this woman has quite a few friends, and is definitely enjoying the attention of a good guy friend, but for serious dating prospects she's probably looking for a guy her own age or older to eventually have kids with, which is what it says on her current online dating profile.

[butterfly1958]

Your friend sounds distressed and this is so very difficult to move through. I have been reading some very good information and also have been through more than my share of issues in the years I have been married. The more I mature I become aware of how important communication is in every relationship. This is a great website to reference with great ideas to use during a discussion with anyone you love 18 Ways to Help the Communication in Your Relationship -. Removing emotions and trying diligently to look at and discuss issues to the point of establishing some true boundaries for both of you to maintain will help. A couple of questions for her would be: What can she do to make sure she feels connected with her boy friend? What boundaries make sense to her for both of them? How much time has she spent listening to him as he explains this other woman relationship to her? Engaging in meaningful conversation at a time when both of them are ready may resolve her angst. How would she like to be treated if she had a good male friend......what boundary would apply? Helping her process these questions and really think about and identify the emotions she is feeling will help her know what she needs to do. Love, respect, and commitment are necessary for a relationship to work. If he loves her, great. How does respect look in their relationship.....and commitment? Praying all goes well for them as they maneuver through this season of learning about each other!

[adilaurentis]

Your friend sounds distressed and this is so very difficult to move through. I have been reading some very good information and also have been through more than my share of issues in the years I have been married. The more I mature I become aware of how important communication is in every relationship. This is a great website to reference with great ideas to use during a discussion with anyone you love 18 Ways to Help the Communication in Your Relationship -. Removing emotions and trying diligently to look at and discuss issues to the point of establishing some true boundaries for both of you to maintain will help. A couple of questions for her would be: What can she do to make sure she feels connected with her boy friend? What boundaries make sense to her for both of them? How much time has she spent listening to him as he explains this other woman relationship to her? Engaging in meaningful conversation at a time when both of them are ready may resolve her angst. How would she like to be treated if she had a good male friend......what boundary would apply? Helping her process these questions and really think about and identify the emotions she is feeling will help her know what she needs to do. Love, respect, and commitment are necessary for a relationship to work. If he loves her, great. How does respect look in their relationship.....and commitment? Praying all goes well for them as they maneuver through this season of learning about each other!

 

Yes she's very stressed about the whole thing. She definitely understands the importance of communication in a relationship and she said they are mostly doing well in that regard, but when it comes to "jealousy" issues involving another person, she feels like men usually don't "deal with" talks about that well and it'll only make them feel like they need to hide their contact with this girl from you from now on, which eventually creates more problems. I don't think the guy would actually cheat on my friend, but having an emotional affair is worse in my opinion.

 

My friend always says that she's one of those people who are independent enough that she needs a lot of space in relationships but when the other person gives her too much space, she usually starts questioning his love for her.

[butterfly1958]

Just wanted to see how things were going for your friend. I pray that he has paused, communicated well, and decided what values he and his significant other need to obtain there vision in life. Many times couples assume the other person knows what they need. That is not always true. I really believe in discussing all areas in life in detail. Here is a website that has sample contracts that would aid in discussing all areas of a couple life Recovering Couples Anonymous - Couple Agreements. Even if you do not write and sign the contract the questions that are addressed would be great to review together. I know that we did not do this and I believe it would have stopped some of the issues that occur as a relationship grows and matures into a wonderful life together. Praying God blesses you as you try to bless others with wisdom, love, and discernment.

[kendahke]

Now that girl is definitely aware of my friend's existence and she said she's happy for the guy because she can tell that he looks so happy with my friend. She's actively dating too and is obviously hitting it off with some guy too but it's still in the early dating stage.

 

Your friend needs to get a grip on herself. Any intimidation she is feeling is being made up in her head; not by the actions of this friend of his. THAT is going to be what ends this relationship, not him or his friend.

 

She sounds like she's high maintenance, too... perhaps she's projecting her issues onto this chick. She should go talk to a therapist about that before she wrecks a good thing.

[butterfly1958]

How are things going for your friend? What has helped her navigate the situation and her feelings? Praying that she has found peace in her relationship and can trust that the relationship will be strengthened through this challenge. Blessings to you as a caring friend as well.