CryForNoOne Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 I met a girl at a bar last Monday and we exchanged numbers. We went on our first date Thursday and there was instant chemistry. She invited me over to her place, we had sex, and I ended up staying the night. Our second date last night was much the same. She really really likes me and has told me repeatedly. She has a great body, the sex is incredible, and we are both foodies so I'm really enjoying things for the moment. I'm starting to see some red flags though. I drink and occasionally smoke weed but she's gotten hammered every time I've seen her. Last night we saw the new Star Trek movie, and she ordered a double moscow mule, then hit the bar again right in the middle of the movie. She has also gotten high each night before we go to bed. Apparently her roommate is a cokehead and I'm starting to wonder if that's coming next. She commented last night "I came home and my place was a total mess. My roommate and her friends were obviously drinking and doing lines of coke Saturday night." I could see casually dating her for a while but I'm not seeing long term potential. I've been involved with a women who are potheads and have drinking problems. They are great to party with at first, but it gets really old when you just want to stay in and watch Netflix and they need to get high every goddam night... So basically I only want to stay in this for the sex and to have a food companion until someone better comes along. How to handle this without breaking it off completely. She's already said stuff like "My mom would love you..."
WhatYouWantToHear Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 So you are trying to crowdsource lying and manipulation of this person? Be a human being, tell her the truth--what you just posted--and see if she is open to it. Anything else and you are bad person. 1
Gaeta Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 I would not even stay in it for the sex. She is obviously having sex around with strangers while drunk or drugged up which means she doesn't always use protection and does not sleep with the most safe men.
PrettyEmily77 Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 So basically I only want to stay in this for the sex and to have a food companion until someone better comes along. How to handle this without breaking it off completely. She's already said stuff like "My mom would love you..." So all this has been going in the space of 5 days / 3 dates, right? I mean, that's not very long so there is still a window for making this a mutually agreed arrangement (not very gentlemanly of you otherwise, OP). That said, not wanting to rain on your parade or anything, but if she's either high or drunk within 10 minutes of you being together, I would take much of everything she says with a very big spoonful of salt... 1
smackie9 Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 Just tell her you are dating other people....she will get it. 1
ses Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 Propose a FWB arrangement now, otherwise it'll reflect badly on you. If she seems to want more of a commitment cut ties with her. She's already sending out feelers by mentioning her mom which is a red flag for you. Don't be a jerk and stay for the food and sex if she's not on the same page. I had my fair share of hookups befor going monogamous but I always made it clear we were casual, and that a relationship was not in our future. What do you want in the long term? You seem to attract party girls but are not a fan of that particular scene. 1
joseb Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 I suspect she will be fine with a fwb set-up. Just don't expect it to be exclusive. If you do keep seeing her, always wear protection. 1
Author CryForNoOne Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 So you are trying to crowdsource lying and manipulation of this person? Be a human being, tell her the truth--what you just posted--and see if she is open to it. Anything else and you are bad person. If that were my intent I would just say nothing and I'd guess she wouldn't bring it up for 2-3 months and I could easily drag it out for 5-6 months. I probably didn't make myself clear, I want to say something and not manipulate her but I don't want to scare her off. I've been honest about this in the past, it usually ends it.
Author CryForNoOne Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 Just tell her you are dating other people....she will get it. I think this is probably the route to go. I've tried the serious sit down talk in the past and it usually creates an awkwardness for a little while and then the slow fade...
Author CryForNoOne Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 What do you want in the long term? You seem to attract party girls but are not a fan of that particular scene. I'm in an unusual situation. All my longtime friends are married and I don't have many single friends. My Monday-Friday job I have no co-workers and zero interaction with people. I eat lunch alone almost every day. I'm divorced with two kids so one week a month and half the weekends are exclusively with them. I'm a musician so almost every weekend I'm not with my kids, I'm on tour. Really, the only ways for me to meet women are OLD or at gigs. I can usually only go out weeknights. In LA, women that you meet at a bar or live music venue and who go out on a Sunday or Thursday night are the party type.
ses Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 I'm in an unusual situation. All my longtime friends are married and I don't have many single friends. My Monday-Friday job I have no co-workers and zero interaction with people. I eat lunch alone almost every day. I'm divorced with two kids so one week a month and half the weekends are exclusively with them. I'm a musician so almost every weekend I'm not with my kids, I'm on tour. Really, the only ways for me to meet women are OLD or at gigs. I can usually only go out weeknights. In LA, women that you meet at a bar or live music venue and who go out on a Sunday or Thursday night are the party type. Okay, I see. Your situation does make it hard to meet women with "normal" 9-5 jobs. Do you want a wife, or just a long-term partner? Is that a priority for the future? I know some people will think you should settle down for your children but that's entirely up to you -- it is your life, after all. When I did OLD again I made sure my settings were set for something long-term and vetoed guys who wanted a fling; I wasn't going to go after men who were into FWBs because that would obfuscate my true intentions. I definitely enjoyed being casual with guys but I realized I wanted something more and decided I needed to be honest with myself.
leogirl876 Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 I don't understand how you can expect to take things slow when you had sex on the first date, that's not taking things slow. And if you back off, it could make you look like a jerk who just trying to get in her pants. The only thing I think you could do to save yourself would be to have a conversation with her saying you don't normally sleep with someone on a first date and that you'd like for her and you to get to know each other a little bit first before having sex again or going any further.
Author CryForNoOne Posted July 27, 2016 Author Posted July 27, 2016 Okay, I see. Your situation does make it hard to meet women with "normal" 9-5 jobs. Do you want a wife, or just a long-term partner? Is that a priority for the future? I know some people will think you should settle down for your children but that's entirely up to you -- it is your life, after all. I'm still healing from a recently ended LTR so I don't want to rush into anything. I also don't really have many friends that are actively part of my life. All my closest friends live in other countries or states. I've been enjoying dating and casual sex for the past few months as it's kept me from feeling lonely. It's much easier these days for me to meet women than to make friends. Eventually I want to get in another LTR with someone but maybe better when my kids are a little older - they are 7 and 10 right now. 1
leogirl876 Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 I'm still healing from a recently ended LTR so I don't want to rush into anything. I also don't really have many friends that are actively part of my life. All my closest friends live in other countries or states. I've been enjoying dating and casual sex for the past few months as it's kept me from feeling lonely. It's much easier these days for me to meet women than to make friends. Eventually I want to get in another LTR with someone but maybe better when my kids are a little older - they are 7 and 10 right now. I understand that but with those feelings and attitude, you're going to attract the wrong kind of woman. When you don't have friends and have nothing to bring to the table, you'll attract women who are also needy without friends and want to get an instant relationship. That's not healthy. You should try to find other things and make other friends, otherwise, it'll be the same relationship, just different woman each time.
Author CryForNoOne Posted July 27, 2016 Author Posted July 27, 2016 I don't understand how you can expect to take things slow when you had sex on the first date, that's not taking things slow. And if you back off, it could make you look like a jerk who just trying to get in her pants. The only thing I think you could do to save yourself would be to have a conversation with her saying you don't normally sleep with someone on a first date and that you'd like for her and you to get to know each other a little bit first before having sex again or going any further. I'm not talking about slowing things down sexually. First of all, I didn't "get in her pants". She made it very clear she wanted to sleep with me. I don't want an LTR with her and I don't even think I'm ready for one right now. That said, I'm having a great time with her at the moment and want to have a talk with her about keeping it casual - which is what I think I'm going to do soon...
ses Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 I'm still healing from a recently ended LTR so I don't want to rush into anything. I also don't really have many friends that are actively part of my life. All my closest friends live in other countries or states. I've been enjoying dating and casual sex for the past few months as it's kept me from feeling lonely. It's much easier these days for me to meet women than to make friends. Eventually I want to get in another LTR with someone but maybe better when my kids are a little older - they are 7 and 10 right now. Ah, I understand. I had a FWB with whom I held deep feelings and when that arrangement ended I also decided to go the casual route for the next several months until I decided to settle down. Sometimes you have to sow your wild oats to heal so no judgment from me. Just be safe and take care of yourself. I don't have children but I understand the reluctance to introduce someone to your children while they're still young. I was 12 when my dad introduced my now stepmom to me and it wasn't easy even at that age. You don't want to rush into anything unless you're ready to be committed.
jen1447 Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 Gotta just be upfront w her and let the chips fall where they may. Anything else is manipulating the situation, which doesn't really sound like it aligns w your personal code, your wants notwithstanding. Most of these conundrums have such easy answers if you just take a step back and look at them simply and honestly. 1
elaine567 Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 YOU tell her you do not want a relationship with her/with anyone right now and let her decide what she wants to do. Otherwise you are just using her for sex and foodie talks and that isn't right, when she seems to want a relationship with you. People tend to leave when they get that kind of talk, as they don't want to waste their time in "relationships" that are going nowhere and they are right to do so. Dating for most is about finding "the one", pretending to be on board when that is not the truth, is plain cruel. I know YOU would be happy leaving things the way they are, but stringing her along for sex, is just being selfish.
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