sweet-pea Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 (edited) I am sure my story is not unique but I am here out of desperation for some support and tough love. I met a man last year and we took things slowly and fell in love. Everything was great. . except. . he had trust issues and some insecurities. He was honest with it up front and I admired him and figured it a sign of strength to admit something so vulnerable. We struggled with this through out the relationship and in a lot of ways it got better and in some ways, he just got better hiding it. We had only a few arguments about it that seemed to start off ok but I think along with his insecurity the conflicts spiraled out of control where no one was being heard. At times I just stopped talking realizing nothing I could say was helping. He left the relationship after our last argument. It makes me feel like I am left holding the blame. I know it's my ego talking because considering everything I should have left the relationship when I first noticed that he needed me to constantly accommodate to his insecurities, rather than really addressing them himself. He challenged me about my friends, I had to let him know my whereabouts. He made accusations and insinuations about my activity. He grilled me about my day and who I talked to. I could go on but you get the drift. Having said all this. . the good was really good. Despite our challenges I loved and still love him deeply. It's been 3 weeks ago and 10 days NC. I had a rough weekend and began to second guess myself and emailed him this morning. He responds in kind and is sweet and says he misses me too. . but I know he'll just go silent again. On top everything, now I feel humiliated. I can't seem to get my logical brain to catch up with my emotional brain and I am at work, hiding and crying my eyes out and feeling panicky. I did go back to my therapist last week and will see him tomorrow. But between now and then I feel like I am coming undone. Anyone that could talk some sense into me right about now would be very much appreciated Edited July 25, 2016 by sweet-pea 1
Zahara Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 Three weeks with 10 days NC is absolutely nothing on the meter, because it's going to get far worse before it gets better. Everything you feel is normal. You are grieving. You're going to feel weak and and you're going to want to reach out to what's been comfortable and familiar but that doesn't mean going back to a situation that has time and time again failed you. What are you hoping to gain from contact? His insecurities = control. Yes, there's a little bit of good there and here but a relationship does not survive on up and down. When you think of the good, write down the bad. And you circle back to that list everytime you forget your reality. When you are feeling weak, reach out to family and friends. You don't reach out to what hurts you when you need comfort. Talk to your therapist about guiding you with some coping skills when you need to reach out to him. 3
Charlie99909 Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 I don't even remember 10 days NC. I'm coming up on 5 months. Every day is a bit different. I still get weak and ache, usually after dating someone else or being physical. Sometimes it helps to just take a moment and breath. Center yourself when you want to fall apart. It slowly eases the pain. 2
Nowty V Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 I believe the area of your brain that is inducing the tears and panicky feeling is the Amygdalae, sometimes referred to as the reptile or lizard brain. One exists in each hemisphere of the brain and is roughly the size of an Almond. You have to sugar coat those bad boys to ease the anxious feelings and symptoms. This article describes them: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amygdala Go through the article as you will but take in the section 'Memory Modulation' It mentions Buddhist Monks and how 'Compassion Meditation' allows them to influence the Amygdala in a positive way. This Article describes Compassion Meditation and will indicate in the section 'Metta Meditation' how you can practice the same in a simple but effective way https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mett%C4%81 Focus on whatever you will, I find the whole universe and everything in it works for me, cuts out specifics that could cause doubt. Pick some words with a nice rhythm and go to it silently. You can do this where ever or whenever you feel the need. The Thalamus triggers the Amygdala but there is a 1/4 second delay, if you are meditating you may stave off the flood of glandular secretions that make you tearful and panicky. Break ups are tough, you will get through it. Forget him and love you. You can make some positive changes in your life and move on. You have the power. 2
Satu Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 As regards NC, you have to call up all of your self-discipline and willpower. That's what will get you through this. Sorry to say it, but love isn't enough. There has to be a healthy stability in the way you relate to each other, without recurring upset and disharmony. You don't have that between you and your ex. Focus on yourself, and do what you know you need to do. Take care. 3
Author sweet-pea Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 . What are you hoping to gain from contact? His insecurities = control. Yes, there's a little bit of good there and here but a relationship does not survive on up and down. When you think of the good, write down the bad. And you circle back to that list everytime you forget your reality. When you are feeling weak, reach out to family and friends. You don't reach out to what hurts you when you need comfort Thanks Zahara, What did I want to gain? Ugh, a rough weekend and feeling really vulnerable. Thinking how he thought he was more `in' then I was. I've been told that before, so I second guess whether it was really his insecurity or the message I might have given him. I sucked up my pride and reached out and as much as expected he responded affectionately right away. Not the same as reconciliation. Now he'll go silent again. I suppose I am just at the crux where the pain is such I'll make a deal with devil. Not that he's the devil, just a figure of speech. Thank you for reinforcing that he played the insecurity card as a form of control. That's the way it felt though no one will put a name to it. I guess all that matters is how it felt to me, not how it appears to others. I love the quote `don't reach out to what hurts you when you need comfort' I'll remember that. I've vented to my friends and though they check on me, on can't whine much more about it. Besides they have their own stuff, so I feel a little alone rightaboutnow. 1
Author sweet-pea Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 As regards NC, you have to call up all of your self-discipline and willpower. That's what will get you through this. Sorry to say it, but love isn't enough. There has to be a healthy stability in the way you relate to each other, without recurring upset and disharmony. You don't have that between you and your ex. Focus on yourself, and do what you know you need to do. Take care. I've done NC before and can advise others `til the cows come home' Easy to be on the other side then in the middle of it. thanks for the encouragement. 1
Author sweet-pea Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 (edited) I believe the area of your brain that is inducing the tears and panicky feeling is the Amygdalae, sometimes referred to as the reptile or lizard brain. One exists in each hemisphere of the brain and is roughly the size of an Almond. . I'll look over these, thanks! I've never had this happen before, but I have like these jolts that happen that make me jump. It's a memory or more like a physical sensation of a moment or memory with him that zaps me and makes me jump. It happens when I least expect it. I just got back from taking my lunch sitting my car and crying. I feel like such a drama queen but at the same time it feels like it's a dam that's breaking and I need to let it out. I wish I had better timing though. I think the realization is sinking in. Edited July 25, 2016 by sweet-pea 1
Zahara Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 Besides they have their own stuff, so I feel a little alone rightaboutnow. I know how you feel -- heartbreak is difficult to cope with when you're all alone. Your pain just follows you everywhere you go. I couldn't talk to anyone either, other than my therapist and a couple of friends and after awhile they had their own lives. Keep posting here, especially when you feel weak or if you just need to vent. Someone will always be here to respond and help talk you off the ledge or out of your tree :-) And there is nothing wrong with crying. You are not a drama queen. You are mourning. You are feeling grief. Don't be so hard on yourself. This is the time you treat yourself with kindness and not with criticism. 2
Author sweet-pea Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 And there is nothing wrong with crying. You are not a drama queen. You are mourning. You are feeling grief. Don't be so hard on yourself. This is the time you treat yourself with kindness and not with criticism. ok .. that made me cry too . .thx 2
Zahara Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 ok .. that made me cry too . .thx ((((hugs))) I'm sorry, hun. You're going to be alright. This is a process you just have to endure. The only way past is through. Pamper yourself. Do nice things that make you feel good. Eat and hydrate. If you can't nourish yourself emotionally, you need to physically. I know it's all hard to do but you have to push yourself. And cry if you need to -- you need to purge and wash those feelings away and not suppress because it's will only fester and make you feel worse. Take a long hot bath when you get home. Order takeout and get in your comfy pajamas with a fun movie. 3
Nowty V Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 ok .. that made me cry too . .thx Tears that are produced by stress rid the body of Cortisol, the stress hormone. If you feel well stressed no wonder you shed a tear. Its all good 1
Author sweet-pea Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 My friend just offered to buy me dinner tonight. I am in such a bad mood I am afraid I'll be horrible company. I forewarned him but he is understanding makes me laugh. Funny how this very friend I was afraid to mention half the time because of the ex's insecurities. Didn't matter that I've known this friend for over 30 years and he would have been just as much his friend as mine. Whatever. . Trying to rally.
Author sweet-pea Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 Tears that are produced by stress rid the body of Cortisol, the stress hormone. If you feel well stressed no wonder you shed a tear. Its all good I've read a lot about cortisol and I tend to lean on the anxious side, so cortisol is my middle name. My first name today is Cry Baby. Very interesting. Are you a science teacher?? I think tend to manage to stay so busy that I don't take time to process things. I need to deal with `it' or `it' deals with me.
Zahara Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 My friend just offered to buy me dinner tonight. I am in such a bad mood I am afraid I'll be horrible company. I forewarned him but he is understanding makes me laugh. Funny how this very friend I was afraid to mention half the time because of the ex's insecurities. Didn't matter that I've known this friend for over 30 years and he would have been just as much his friend as mine. Whatever. . Trying to rally. That's great. Go out with him and I'm sure he's going to be more than understanding as to what you are going through and how you are feeling. The company will do you good. It will help distract you -- one minute, one hour, one day at a time. 2
Author sweet-pea Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 That's great. Go out with him and I'm sure he's going to be more than understanding as to what you are going through and how you are feeling. The company will do you good. It will help distract you -- one minute, one hour, one day at a time. Thank you for your kindness. Your responses have really helped
Recommended Posts