Those doubting days

[clefairy]

I'm sure you all can view my last post, but I'm just wondering anyone who has gone through similar situations, how do you stay away when all you can think about are the good days?

 

Some days I feel so strong, so proud of myself - like I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Then other days like today I think about how much I miss him and all of the great things we've been through. All I want to do is pack my things from my mom's house and go HOME.

 

We've been getting in arguments and he keeps saying things like, "I told you I'm not going to counseling alone, you want to make this work we do it together or not at all. Marriage is a 2 player game." And "I guess there's no future with us then. If you don't want to face this together then what's the point?" And last but not least: "I caused your anxiety, you caused my anger, seems they go hand in hand." (These are all exact quotes)

 

I firmly believe these are HIS issues (breaking doors, throwing things, blocking my way, taking my stuff) and not marriage ones that can be fixed in marriage counseling. What do you think?

[spiderowl]

I think you are right

[Downtown]

Clefairy, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, verbal and physical abuse, lack of impulse control, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as strong verbal abuse, always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you.

 

He gets angry, violent, and it scares me. He's thrown fits, held me down on the couch with his legs (I am very small), kicked me off the couch/bed, kicked our dog, punched holes in walls, threw a wine glass at my head.... then beat the **** out of our bedroom door. [Your 7/21 post.]

If your H really is a BPDer (i.e., has strong and persistent BPD traits), he carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

For these reasons, the physical abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing this link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at 50% of Batterers are BPDers. Similarly, a 2008 study and a 2012 study find a strong association between violence and BPD.

 

I've been reading lots of threads.

I suggest you read two more. One is my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most of those red flags sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your H's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid reconciling with a man who refuses to seek treatment and avoid running into the arms of another man just like him. Take care, Clefairy.

[Miss Peach]

I firmly believe these are HIS issues (breaking doors, throwing things, blocking my way, taking my stuff) and not marriage ones that can be fixed in marriage counseling. What do you think?

 

I was with your BF because I believe in being a team until I got to this line. These are signs of abuse and couples counseling isn't recommended in cases of abuse (though it's great to go on your own to find your strength and get your self esteem up).

 

FWIW I was in an abusive relationship and it caused me a lot of anxiety.That is normal when being treated like that.

 

You probably are causing his anger but likely nothing you can say or do can change this. It's got to be something HE wants to change. If it wasn't you it would be someone else 'causing' his anger.

 

When I look back in my relationship I wonder why I stayed do long. I am much happier out of it.

[turnera]

Tell him to get back in touch with you in a couple of years, after HE has gone to therapy the whole time to fix his abusive ways. Then you'll think about it.

[Satu]

I think you are right

 

So do I. Definitely.