Am i heading for disaster here?

[xxjustinukxx]

Hi everyone,

 

Ive been seeing someone I met online for about a month now, we met on a dating site and hit it off immediately! Weve been chatting every day, we both have children and have been seeing each other once a week, sometimes twice a week.

 

I felt like i was starting to fall for her and she said she was feeling the same.

 

For our most recent date we had to wait about a week and a half as i had a few things planned ahead with friends. I just messaged her to ask about times to meet etc and she messaged me back saying she's not sure its going to work seeing each other "so infrequently." Shortly followed by "you're not here for me, thats the problem"

 

I simply replied saying i dont feel like we've been seeing each other infrequently, she knew my situation when we met, and nothing has changed for me, and if she changes her mind, she knows where i am.

 

Any advice on what i should do from here? Cut my losses and finish it totally?

[kolleamm]

Call her on the phone and talk to her. Also if you not being available for her is a problem now it's always going to be a problem and only cause more drama. I don't blame her though, a week and a half for a date seems like a bit long.

[bachdude]

Wow, after just a month she is already complaining she can't see you enough and is even suggesting a break up!

 

 

For me that screams, I'M NEEDY!

[Gaeta]

Wow, after just a month she is already complaining she can't see you enough and is even suggesting a break up!

 

 

For me that screams, I'M NEEDY!

 

No it screams I know what I want and it's not it !

 

OP when she met you she liked you a great deal, so much she thought she could deal with your hectic schedule and little dates but now after 1 month she realizes this is not what she wants. If you cannot escalate this relationship another notch then yes terminate it.

[bachdude]

No it screams I know what I want and it's not it !

 

OP when she met you she liked you a great deal, so much she thought she could deal with your hectic schedule and little dates but now after 1 month she realizes this is not what she wants. If you cannot escalate this relationship another notch then yes terminate it.

 

 

Read again...once or twice a week is appropriate for the one month mark, especially with both having kids. There was one time span of 1 1/2 weeks and she is already threatening break up. At the one month mark it has needy written all over it.

[Redhead14]

Hi everyone,

 

Ive been seeing someone I met online for about a month now, we met on a dating site and hit it off immediately! Weve been chatting every day, we both have children and have been seeing each other once a week, sometimes twice a week.

 

I felt like i was starting to fall for her and she said she was feeling the same.

 

For our most recent date we had to wait about a week and a half as i had a few things planned ahead with friends. I just messaged her to ask about times to meet etc and she messaged me back saying she's not sure its going to work seeing each other "so infrequently." Shortly followed by "you're not here for me, thats the problem"

 

I simply replied saying i dont feel like we've been seeing each other infrequently, she knew my situation when we met, and nothing has changed for me, and if she changes her mind, she knows where i am.

 

Any advice on what i should do from here? Cut my losses and finish it totally?

 

Run! She's trying to lock you down already. Once/twice a week in the first month is just fine.

 

"you're not here for me, thats the problem" -- That's something you might hear from a long-term girlfriend or wife if the husband has been working a lot or something. Not from a girl you've only been dating for a month. Sheesh.

 

Did you at least keep in touch during that week and a half? Or did you drop off the map? Did she know you had those plans? If she knew about it and you kept in touch at least, she shouldn't be whining.

[katiegrl]

Read again...once or twice a week is appropriate for the one month mark, especially with both having kids. There was one time span of 1 1/2 weeks and she is already threatening break up. At the one month mark it has needy written all over it.

 

Not only that^^, but this:

 

"you're not here for me, thats the problem""

 

After only a month?

 

To me, THAT screams needy.

 

It is one thing wanting to spend more time.

 

But there are better ways of expressing that other than "you're not here for me..."

 

Jesus.

[katiegrl]

Run! She's trying to lock you down already. Once/twice a week in the first month is just fine.

 

"you're not here for me, thats the problem" -- That's something you might hear from a long-term girlfriend or wife if the husband has been working a lot or something. Not from a girl you've only been dating for a month. Sheesh.

 

Did you at least keep in touch during that week and a half? Or did you drop off the map? Did she know you had those plans? If she knew about it and you kept in touch at least, she shouldn't be whining.

 

Sorry RH I posted before I saw yours above^^.

 

Brilliant minds....

[Gaeta]

Read again...once or twice a week is appropriate for the one month mark, especially with both having kids. There was one time span of 1 1/2 weeks and she is already threatening break up. At the one month mark it has needy written all over it.

 

Says who?

 

There is no right or wrong. There is what she wants and what you want. I would not date a man that only has a night a week for me and I am far from needy. I just know exactly what I want.

 

Before anyone bet their life on it, what exactly did she mean by you're never there for her? Did you even ask? Why did she say that exactly? Are you completely silent between dates?

[winny]

Not only that^^, but this:

 

"you're not here for me, thats the problem""

 

After only a month?

 

To me, THAT screams needy.

 

It is one thing wanting to spend more time.

 

But there are better ways of expressing that other than "you're not here for me..."

 

Jesus.

 

How is she needy? Does she text him non stop? Does she pester him to meet her more? Does she send him gifts? I think she decided she wants someone who she can meet more frequently.... but then again its only been a month... OP should call her, talk to her and try to understand where she is coming from before labelling her needy.

[bachdude]

Says who?

 

There is no right or wrong. There is what she wants and what you want. I would not date a man that only has a night a week for me and I am far from needy. I just know exactly what I want.

 

Before anyone bet their life on it, what exactly did she mean by you're never there for her? Did you even ask? Why did she say that exactly? Are you completely silent between dates?

 

 

You're not reading what he wrote. He says they chat every day.

[Ami1uwant]

No it screams I know what I want and it's not it !

 

OP when she met you she liked you a great deal, so much she thought she could deal with your hectic schedule and little dates but now after 1 month she realizes this is not what she wants. If you cannot escalate this relationship another notch then yes terminate it.

 

 

I sm very surprised this came from you.....

 

In reading the OP he said they both have kids, snd dating over 4 weeks you can have planned schedule conflicts come up early on.

 

Are you assuming because he is a guy snd he said friends that it's guys over her. He has kids and likely friends with the kids friends parents thus they may do things together with the kids. These kind of events get planned weeks in advance...likely taking up a potential dating period ( especially if he has kids every other weekend)

 

Would you say the same thing were sexes reversed???? I think probably.

 

He says he regularly communicates with her. I don't know how far apart they live, nor if their work schedules are in direct conflict sometimes with rotating schedules like one week you need to work evenings or graveyard when you normally work a daytime job.

 

The comment she made is something you might expect after dating 6 months, not 1 month. 1 month in you likely are dating 1-2 times a week, and with both having kids **** happens.

[kolleamm]

If he's attracted to her who cares if she's needy?

[CryForNoOne]

Says who?

 

There is no right or wrong. There is what she wants and what you want. I would not date a man that only has a night a week for me and I am far from needy. I just know exactly what I want.

 

Before anyone bet their life on it, what exactly did she mean by you're never there for her? Did you even ask? Why did she say that exactly? Are you completely silent between dates?

 

Are you serious? Maybe you don't have kids at home but once a week is about all a responsible single parent can handle in the early dating stages. Maybe once the relationship is further along and you are comfortable around each others kids that frequency goes way up. But I'm sorry, it's NEEDY as h3ll to make those demands one month in...

[xxjustinukxx]

Wow, thank you so much for all the advice everyone!

 

Let me clarify a few things...

 

We live a short distance apart (about a 25 minute drive) and so thats not an issue.

 

We met once a week for the past month, and this last occasion would be just over one week since we last met (9 days i think). However, we talk on the phone and text each other a lot during the day. So the communication is always there.

 

After being messed around in the past, im very guarded about things when certain warning signs pop up, one of which is this, i feel.

 

Also as far as the kids go, i have a 6 month rule before introducing a partner to my kids and we spoke about this right at the start.

 

So do you suggest i end things or something else? She is amazing but this is really starting to hurt.

[Nowty V]

So do you suggest i end things or something else? She is amazing but this is really starting to hurt.

 

This is not a question for the Magic 8 Ball.

 

It seems that you have grounds for a relationship if that is what you desire.

 

IMO this can only be sorted out face to face, in person, just you and her.

 

Sounds like she really likes you and wants to go to the next level.

 

You two just need to be on the same page as to what the next level consists of.

 

It is up to you if you want to blow her out or grow what you have.

[Gaeta]

So do you suggest i end things or something else? She is amazing but this is really starting to hurt.

 

What does she want?

 

Can you supply what she wants?

 

Why did she say you are never there?

 

If not than yes you move on.

 

I have learn that one the hard way. Last year I dated a man with full custody of his 4 kids from age 3 to 16. I liked him a great deal and thought I could do the 1 date a week because in my book he was so worth it but life got in the way and his 1 time a week became 1 time each 2-3 weeks. It got very frustrating.

[Gaeta]

So do you suggest i end things or something else? She is amazing but this is really starting to hurt.

 

Why is she amazing?

 

If she is THIS amazing then break your rules.

 

How old are all the kids involved?

 

I think 6 months to introduce children is a bit unreasonable. No woman is going to date you in the shadow for 6 months.

 

Kids aren't stupid they understand dating. You don't have to let her sleep at your house but starting to have activities together isn't a crime either.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Also as far as the kids go, i have a 6 month rule before introducing a partner to my kids and we spoke about this right at the start.

 

Wow...

 

I think 6 months to introduce children is a bit unreasonable.

 

Kids aren't stupid they understand dating. You don't have to let her sleep at your house but starting to have activities together isn't a crime either.

 

Waiting 6 months before introducing your partner to your kids is unreasonably long. And quite honestly, unnecessarily arbitrary. I've dated a ton of single moms, every single one of them I got to meet the kids before 1 month. Usually about the 2nd or 3rd week mark.

 

I have a son, although I do not have primary custody, I make sure they meet him before 1 month too.

 

What exactly are you trying to accomplish by hiding your kids from the guy? It's important that there be a "match" with the kid, that they get along. Pushing that off to an arbitrary 6 month mark could potentially cause issues if they don't mesh. Then what? You have wasted 6 months or are going to have to make a decision that isnt great for you.

 

I completely understand not wanting to have your kids see a revolving door of dudes cycling through your bedroom... for that, my advice would be: make better decisions.

 

I can tell you that if anyone pulled this "can't meet my kids for 6 months" BS, it would be a red flag for me.

 

Let me say this too... the single mom I have dated the longest, I met her kid on our second "date". Which was actually not a real date, it was an event she invited me to, but it was the second time we met IRL (after meeting online and going through that process) That lasted over 2+ years and I thought she was marriage material, but i'm not getting into that.

Edited July 26, 2016 by JoeSmith357-1

[lucy_in_disguise]

I don't have kids but to me 6 months seems like a reasonable time to wait before introducing a significant other. I can understand not wanting women coming in and out of your kids lives all the time. Im assuming 6 months is proxy for "serious relationship" here. It might be good to be somewhat flexible on the exact timeline.

 

To me it seems like there is 1 of 2 possibilities here. One, someone your schedule was miscommunicated to her, and while she realized you had some pre-existing plans, she expected to see you a little earlier. Or perhaps for you to step up the communication in your absence. Now she is hurt and playing it as some kind of test. If that's the case and you really like her, I'd give her a call to talk this over. Your response - basically "you knew this coming in so if u wanna deal with it u know where to find me" was probably the worst reply you could have provided if she's feeling like you've put her on the back burner.

 

The other possibility is that she is over it for some unrelated reason- met someone else, re-evaluated her feelings, who knows- and is using this opportunity to end things without being the bad guy. This would make her really immature and somewhat manipulative.

 

I think a simple phone call would clarify which category she falls into. If she is over it she won't give you that chance. In the other hand if there was some miscommunication which left her feeling hurt- she is probably hoping you take that step to discuss her needs here.

[Gaeta]

I don't have kids but to me 6 months seems like a reasonable time to wait before introducing a significant other.

 

Nowadays 3 months is considered long enough. It also depends on how old are the kids involved. You don't introduce a 4 year old the same way you introduce a 14 year old.

 

My ex boyfriend introduced his 14 year old son to me after 1 month dating. His son said YO to me then went back playing video games in his room with his buddies. I assure you no one was traumatized by that 1 month introduction. I never slept there when his son was over and I let them have their Saturday nigh together. I did everything so I was not viewed as a rival.

[Gaeta]

Here is the thread of a lady that waited 6 months to introduce her son.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/589218-can-i-get-back-you-time-move#post6991874

 

Her complain? Seeing this man 1 or 2 times a week did not allow her to build a connection with him and it did not allow her to know him enough. Now 6 months later the 'boyfriend' is unsure he wants to meet her child. She just wasted 6 months on the wrong man.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Here is the thread of a lady that waited 6 months to introduce her son.

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/589218-can-i-get-back-you-time-move#post6991874

 

Her complain? Seeing this man 1 or 2 times a week did not allow her to build a connection with him and it did not allow her to know him enough. Now 6 months later the 'boyfriend' is unsure he wants to meet her child. She just wasted 6 months on the wrong man.

 

Realistically, even if you only meet in person twice a week, you are still probably chatting or phone calls daily, maybe skyping, other online stuff. So it's not like you are just getting contact 2 times a week.

 

In which case you have the connection or bond made with the person... or not... in a month or so.

 

I dated this one really hot, young single mom for 3 weeks, met her 7 year old son who was a total hellion. Met him twice, during those 2 meetings, it became apparent to me that she had NO control over her kid. And that was NOT the situation for me. I had to end it because I did not see a future with someone who let their kids run the show. Now, if I discovered that 6 months in, I would be HELLA PISSED because I just wasted 6 months of my life on a dead end.

 

It lets both sides cut their losses and bail out early if it's not a match.

[bachdude]

OP, even though I think she sound needy, if you think she is amazing than a talk with her would be in order, IMO.

 

 

One thing that would bother me if I were in your shoes is her communication style. Saying, "The problem is you are not there for me" sounds accusatory and then followed by a threat to break up sounds over the top. That's a big turn of to me. I think a better way to communicate is, "I would really love to see you more, is there a way we can work this out? Could we talk about it?"

 

 

So if I were in your position, I would probably talk to her and nicely mention how I prefer to talk things through first before bringing up the possibly of breaking up. I would not get into the, I'm going to accuse you back for not communicating well. Then the communication just breaks down. Just say what you need.