tempover100 Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 Looking for perspective. Been on a couple dates with a new guy. We're kind of opposites in a few ways, but get along pretty well otherwise. I've told him from the beginning that I'm looking for something meaningful, and not just for sex. He acknowledged this and said he wasn't like that. So of course I have to take him for his word until he proves otherwise. However, he continually mentions the sexual tension. I can take a joke, and some light teasing, but when we broached the subject of sex again he asked me if we would ever have sex? What an odd question. I told him I need time, and that it's making me uncomfortable to keep bringing it up and don't have an answer for him right now. I was hoping for an apology, but he didn't apologize. I've texted him and told him I don't feel like he's taking me seriously, and it feels like he's undermining what I say. Yet again, his defense is that it's a joke. He tries to reassure me he's not just trying to hook up me with, but he keeps asking me if it's OK for him to joke about the sexual tension. Our communication styles seem to be off. I am not going to bend my boundaries to make him comfortable, especially since this all could have been resolved if he has just apologized in the beginning. I'm not sure if I'll be able to make him see that the issue has more to do with him not being able to admit fault, and diverting the issue, rather than the joke itself. Your thoughts?
Larryville Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 If you want to be truly respected by men, you must set boundaries. Hard resolute boundaries provide security and help to protect against attacks and crazy disrespectful behaviors from all types of men. Too many men act like jackasses because too many women allow them to do and act like idiots. And as a man believe me when I say ALL men suffer as a result. If you allow a man to do whatever he wants, excuse inappropriate behavior he’ll come in as far as he’s allowed. Your self-respect is the first line of defense and if you want to be respected, you have to send a clear message to men. Never compromise! 2
BaileyB Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 I agree. Stand your ground. It is not unrealistic to expect a man to get to know you as a person, before you start thinking/talking about sex. I think joking about sex and using some innuendo is often a man's way of flirting. But, done poorly or too much, it just becomes creepy and uncomfortable. Men should know that it's inappropriate to have too much discussion about sex, even subtle discussion, really early on while dating. Many don't. Some women may be more comfortable, but generally not if you are looking for something serious and long term. If he doesn't respect your wishes, I would seriously think twice about this one... 3
Author tempover100 Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 If you want to be truly respected by men, you must set boundaries. Hard resolute boundaries provide security and help to protect against attacks and crazy disrespectful behaviors from all types of men. Too many men act like jackasses because too many women allow them to do and act like idiots. And as a man believe me when I say ALL men suffer as a result. If you allow a man to do whatever he wants, excuse inappropriate behavior he’ll come in as far as he’s allowed. Your self-respect is the first line of defense and if you want to be respected, you have to send a clear message to men. Never compromise! That's what I'm trying to do - set boundaries early on. It's only been 3 dates so far but I suspect this is a pattern that might have worked for him in the past. He's pushing boundaries, and has told me he respects my stance but still pushes. I have not back peddled and told him it's NOT OK, nor have we slept together. 1
Author tempover100 Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 I agree. Stand your ground. It is not unrealistic to expect a man to get to know you as a person, before you start thinking/talking about sex. I think joking about sex and using some innuendo is often a man's way of flirting. But, done poorly or too much, it just becomes creepy and uncomfortable. Men should know that it's inappropriate to have too much discussion about sex, even subtle discussion, really early on while dating. Many don't. Some women may be more comfortable, but generally not if you are looking for something serious and long term. If he doesn't respect your wishes, I would seriously think twice about this one... I want to believe it's just tactlessness and his type of humor. But I can see it's also his way of flirting with me, but it is done poorly because it makes me uncomfortable... as if I'm a commodity and not a person. That's all that should matter this early on.
smackie9 Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 Good lord make him see? you have only been on what two dates with the guy???? throw him back for %$^& sakes. If you have to teach someone how to behave around you really says something here......stop wasting your time. 6
Larryville Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 If you have to teach someone how to behave around you really says something here I suspect this is a pattern that might have worked for him in the past That is what is wrong with society and the excusing of men’s stupid behavior is what blows back on all of us guys. Women early on thinking that crass and rude behavior is “cute” early on, then they start to date and guys behavior escalates to disrespectful behavior (calling B word or C word) much worse. There is a thread a day here about men’s’ behavior and how to deal with, when almost always men will tip early on to their repugnant tendencies and some women ignore and excuse… "oh he was just playin'... " The result: The men here then start threads asking why women seem so difficult to deal with and why OLD is so hard. 1
biker23 Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 Honestly if it's been 3 dates and you aren't clicking. Already texting asking for apologies and not being taken seriously. Move on. 4
kolleamm Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 Don't waste your time and trust your instincts. Don't try to make it work, if you have to try it won't work. 2
BlueIris Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 Looking for perspective. Been on a couple dates with a new guy. We're kind of opposites in a few ways, but get along pretty well otherwise. I've told him from the beginning that I'm looking for something meaningful, and not just for sex. He acknowledged this and said he wasn't like that. So of course I have to take him for his word until he proves otherwise. However, he continually mentions the sexual tension. I can take a joke, and some light teasing, but when we broached the subject of sex again he asked me if we would ever have sex? What an odd question. I told him I need time, and that it's making me uncomfortable to keep bringing it up and don't have an answer for him right now. I was hoping for an apology, but he didn't apologize. I've texted him and told him I don't feel like he's taking me seriously, and it feels like he's undermining what I say. Yet again, his defense is that it's a joke. He tries to reassure me he's not just trying to hook up me with, but he keeps asking me if it's OK for him to joke about the sexual tension. Our communication styles seem to be off. I am not going to bend my boundaries to make him comfortable, especially since this all could have been resolved if he has just apologized in the beginning. I'm not sure if I'll be able to make him see that the issue has more to do with him not being able to admit fault, and diverting the issue, rather than the joke itself. Your thoughts? I agree with you. And it's not a joke.
leogirl876 Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 I have found that the guys that start talking about sex too early on were the ones that weren't worth my time. Those were the guys that weren't interested in me, but were only interested in getting easy sex. The ones that I've had long term relationships with, did not bring up sex right away, they just let it happen naturally, but the ones that brought it up early were the ones that faded or ghosted me. I'd say move on from this guy, he'll end up hurting you. 2
katiegrl Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 Our communication styles seem to be off. ^ You can say that again... Sweetie, toss this one back. Not because he wants sex (all men want sex when they're sexually attracted) but because of what you said above. When the chemistry is right and you click... there should be an easy free flow of communication, with thoughts and feelings, jokes, bantering, etc. effortlessly bouncing back and forth between you. You just sort of "get" each other, again when the chemistry is right. That is not happening here.... neither of you "get" the other; after only two dates, I say move on and find a guy you are more compatible with and with whom the chemistry (not just sexual) is there. 3
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