What is BS thinking?!

July 27, 2016

Chances are she can't afford (emotionally) to consider the possibility of him being unfaithful, since - were she to act congruently with her espoused morals - shed then need to dump him as she dumped her previous H. So she invests in denial, hoping to salvage the marriage by simply insisting that everything is fine.

My H's xBW tried the same tactic. It didn't work, but it did allow her cushion herself against the reality of being dumped for a little while. Your guy has expressed to you an intention not to leave her floundering economically - she has no such confidence in that at this stage, given the precarity of the business and her sinking money into the mortgage, and she also has the prospect of her emotional security to consider.

It sounds as though he's checked out, and she's clinging to hope that he hasn't, and tuning out evidence to allow herself he luxury of denial. She's not the first BW to do woman's won't be the last.

Denial a 'luxury'? Hardly...

The man hasn't presented her with any 'evidence' while he's still being a pansy about telling her the truth....

What a gutless wonder...

July 27, 2016

Chances are she can't afford (emotionally) to consider the possibility of him being unfaithful, since - were she to act congruently with her espoused morals - shed then need to dump him as she dumped her previous H. So she invests in denial, hoping to salvage the marriage by simply insisting that everything is fine.

My H's xBW tried the same tactic. It didn't work, but it did allow her cushion herself against the reality of being dumped for a little while. Your guy has expressed to you an intention not to leave her floundering economically - she has no such confidence in that at this stage, given the precarity of the business and her sinking money into the mortgage, and she also has the prospect of her emotional security to consider.

It sounds as though he's checked out, and she's clinging to hope that he hasn't, and tuning out evidence to allow herself he luxury of denial. She's not the first BW to do woman's won't be the last.

I fear you are entirely right. I feel bad for her. MM still insists he would not go back to her even if I dumped him. He has checked out . I hope the business becomes fabulously successful and she enjoys a wonderful retirement. That's the least she deserves

July 27, 2016

MM still insists he would not go back to her even if I dumped him.

?

but you said earlier that divorce isn't in his plans - you wouldn't mind them staying married so clearly that is (was?) an option. suddenly -- he'd rather be alone than with her...? this man who isn't capable of uttering a simple "i'm leaving you sentence" because he's "so nice"...?

the more you write - the more you contradict yourself.

Edited July 28, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

July 28, 2016

Finances and providing for his family is usually at the top of the list for most men. They gain pride and a sense of accomplishment from this. This is a good thing. It also might keep MM at home with his W even if he is unhappy and checked out.

Yes, it is that way with men (and women) who are charismatic and generally well like and kind to others. People have a hard time believing they can do any wrong. I hope you understand that if/when word gets out that you are sleeping with this woman's H, you will be portrayed as a villain who "took" away sweetBW's H. People will come to hate you.

It is good that you don't depend on anyone for anything. Once you have been burned once it is hard to trust again.

I have one last thought/inquiry... Being free as you are right now, do you not believe you deserve a single man that doesn't have to hide you? You don't have to give up your independence just because you date a man. You can keep finances separate and just enjoy a single man's company.

Sorry, the story is coming out in fragments over the whole thread and is hard to follow. For the past 6 years the business has been paying off a huge mortgage. Between the mortgage and the other bills it has been a money pit. But this month W came into some money and, despite H's protests is putting it into paying off that mortgage. That goes through at the end of his month. Starting next month there's finally going to be some extra money to go around because it's not going into that mortgage payment any more.

Thank you for your insight into the relationship. I think you're right. He is such a nice guy in general people are going to have a really hard time believing he's cheating on his sweet W.

I don't want a single thing she has. I'm set up for my future and I value my independence and pride far too much to ever become dependent on anyone ever again. I lived in a hellish marriage way too long. I take care of me now. I mingle my finances with no one. I take from no one.

July 28, 2016

Finances and providing for his family is usually at the top of the list for most men. They gain pride and a sense of accomplishment from this. This is a good thing. It also might keep MM at home with his W even if he is unhappy and checked out.

Yes, it is that way with men (and women) who are charismatic and generally well like and kind to others. People have a hard time believing they can do any wrong. I hope you understand that if/when word gets out that you are sleeping with this woman's H, you will be portrayed as a villain who "took" away sweetBW's H. People will come to hate you.

It is good that you don't depend on anyone for anything. Once you have been burned once it is hard to trust again.

I have one last thought/inquiry... Being free as you are right now, do you not believe you deserve a single man that doesn't have to hide you? You don't have to give up your independence just because you date a man. You can keep finances separate and just enjoy a single man's company.

I think we have to remember he doesn't live at home. He visits home the way other people take vacations. He doesn't have the sort of physical connection with her that exists in most marriages whether good or bad. It's now getting to the point that he's finding all the phone calls from W to be getting annoying. He's had enough of lying to her. He'd just as soon stay here and enjoy the life he's building with me.

Also with the distance, I don't know anyone from there and no one there knows me. There's no reason any of them would ever need to meet me. We joke around about him showing me the area without anyone knowing we're there. I imagine they'd be ready with pitchforks if they knew I was coming lol.

I've been divorced for 14 years and dated lots of single men in that time. Never found one that I cared for much. The quality of my dates improved considerably when I started including MM. This is the first time in my life I've been with anyone I click with and truly love. It grew very slowly. We both tried to resist. But we've had such amazing experiences together, things we never thought possible. We have found true happiness for the first time in our lives. I'm not worried about people I don't know who live 3,000 miles away.

I just booked a ticket so I can meet my man on his trip home after telling his W he now wants a divorce. I'm in no hurry whatever happens. It's just a piece of paper. He lives and loves here. We are both free to come or go as we please. I'll be fine no matter what happens.

Thank you for your thoughtful posts. The insight we received here has helped us put together a plan for our future.

July 28, 2016

I think we have to remember he doesn't live at home. He visits home the way other people take vacations. He doesn't have the sort of physical connection with her that exists in most marriages whether good or bad. It's now getting to the point that he's finding all the phone calls from W to be getting annoying. He's had enough of lying to her. He'd just as soon stay here and enjoy the life he's building with me.

Also with the distance, I don't know anyone from there and no one there knows me. There's no reason any of them would ever need to meet me. We joke around about him showing me the area without anyone knowing we're there. I imagine they'd be ready with pitchforks if they knew I was coming lol.

I've been divorced for 14 years and dated lots of single men in that time. Never found one that I cared for much. The quality of my dates improved considerably when I started including MM. This is the first time in my life I've been with anyone I click with and truly love. It grew very slowly. We both tried to resist. But we've had such amazing experiences together, things we never thought possible. We have found true happiness for the first time in our lives. I'm not worried about people I don't know who live 3,000 miles away.

I just booked a ticket so I can meet my man on his trip home after telling his W he now wants a divorce. I'm in no hurry whatever happens. It's just a piece of paper. He lives and loves here. We are both free to come or go as we please. I'll be fine no matter what happens.

Thank you for your thoughtful posts. The insight we received here has helped us put together a plan for our future.

I'm inclined to agree with minimariah...wtf?...

If this is really what's going on its laughable. What a 'prize' he is. Another spineless t**t without the courage of his own convictions.

When/if he does eventually find enough decency (?) to tell his wife the truth I hope she doesn't find out you're loitering like a vulture as you say you're going with him when he returns home.

That would be enough to send any woman over the edge.

Frankly, I fail to see the attraction, but then I'm not in your shoes thankfully, and don't much care for spineless men.

If I was his wife I'd hand him to you gift wrapped on a silver platter, and laugh myself silly all the way home....

July 28, 2016

Well it takes all different types to make the world go round and remain interesting. I'm pretty spineless myself. My kids tell me my greatest flaw is being too nice. Well there are exceptions but I try not put people in their place too often. Life is tough enough already. But hey, I'm happy.

The arrogant, cocky, jerks most women throw themselves at make my stomach churn. You all are welcome to them.

July 28, 2016

Well it takes all different types to make the world go round and remain interesting. I'm pretty spineless myself. My kids tell me my greatest flaw is being too nice. Well there are exceptions but I try not put people in their place too often. Life is tough enough already. But hey, I'm happy.

The arrogant, cocky, jerks most women throw themselves at make my stomach churn. You all are welcome to them.

You're blatantly not that happy, or you wouldn't be here asking questions, no?

Surely you'd just be getting on with it and not sharing your personal thoughts with strangers?

Of course we all get curious, and I understand an inquisitive mind.

July 28, 2016

He's had enough of lying to her.

HE? no, that is YOU. YOU had enough of him lying to her -- he's doing fine. you know he won't divorce so you're annoyed with the BS for blatantly ignoring your existence -- expecting HER to dump HIM & make it easy for you.

Also with the distance, I don't know anyone from there and no one there knows me.

didn't you say his BEST FRIEND knows you (about you) & so does his wife...?

This is the first time in my life I've been with anyone I click with and truly love.

makes sense. which is why you're consumed with the negativity directed at his W. your man doesn't live with her, he doesn't depend financially on her + they don't have children and he STILL won't divorce her. he's STILL dragging his feet even though he doesn't have a real reason to do so. the only reason you could think of to justify his behavior was "he's too nice to hurt her" - accepting that he stays married because he wants to is too much of a painful reality for you.

I just booked a ticket so I can meet my man on his trip home after telling his W he now wants a divorce.

good luck to you, sweetheart. you'll need it.

July 28, 2016

It's funny that other people simply don't or don't want to understand is more often then not the married persons goal is to maintain status quo. That can't be done if you are open and honest with either the spouse or other partners. Lie lie lie.

July 28, 2016

I fear you are entirely right. I feel bad for her. MM still insists he would not go back to her even if I dumped him. He has checked out . I hope the business becomes fabulously successful and she enjoys a wonderful retirement. That's the least she deserves

She will retire well - with him!

July 28, 2016

The dangerous thing here is that the op is speaking for the mm. She really believes him. I think, especially during this election season, that we need to remember that what we believe to our core is not always fact. We are so hopeful about what we want to believe that we ignore the facts.

The mm did not write a post saying how torn he is. The op wrote about how torn he is. She's speaking for him, and I think it's classic - he has a situation where 2 women want him and will do the handwringing self torture to help him, poor man.

July 28, 2016

...He and I agreed that spilling news of the affair by phone was inappropriate. When he'd go home he tried to bring up the subject. No dice...

She holds very strong views on cheating. When she found her first H cheated she tossed him right out...

BS's best friend happens to be married to WS's best friend. He told his friend about me and swore him to silence. His DW could see the signs. And she knew that he knew. So she worked on him for months trying to get information on the A. In the face of overwhelming evidence he caved in, told her what he knew. She trotted straight over to BS to tell her all about it.

OP i pulled the above from your first message.

can you now understand why the board thinks YOU are being played, by him. not convinced, reread the bold and ask HIM.

OH and how do you know that those 'conversations' are really with his wife, seriously for all you know it could be his sister. hey he might not even be married. he found some tail that is ready willing and able when HE wants it, bonus without all the emotional 'baggage'.

forget the BS i think this WH is my hero.

July 28, 2016

forget the BS i think this WH is my hero.

Based on everything I've read on this thread, if the WH is playing a game, he's definitely the most skilled player.

July 28, 2016

Based on everything I've read on this thread, if the WH is playing a game, he's definitely the most skilled player.

They usually are as they hold all the cards during an A.

July 28, 2016

Does MM know you bought at ticket? Are you going to where he has a home with his wife?

July 28, 2016

Does MM know you bought at ticket? Are you going to where he has a home with his wife?

Of course. We did it together. And I'm landing 13 hours drive away from his W.

I know I got what I wanted here already and should leave. But it seems like people are having fun with their doom and gloom predictions about a situation they know almost nothing about. And reading it all is entertaining...

July 28, 2016

I know I got what I wanted here already and should leave. But it seems like people are having fun with their doom and gloom predictions about a situation they know almost nothing about. And reading it all is entertaining...

The hoi polloi can be so amusing.

July 28, 2016

Thinkmore, I have been both a BS and xWS (I truly regret this and will never allow myself to travel this road again as I am working on my boundaries), so I have insight to both sides... You are pretty brazen. You are steamrolling through this life not caring who you pancake. I only say that because this is not your first rodeo with a MM and you purposefully seek out MM. I'm no therapist, but even I can tell that you have some commitment issues being that you are single and continually doing this. Please know I'm not saying that to be mean as I have my share of issues to work on.

Take a trip with me down an imaginary road. Imagine this man you love deeply if you were his wife. Put yourself in her shoes just for 5 minutes here. He is your world, he's your husband, he's that one you chose to take vows to - it is not just a piece of paper. You should know a portion of how this feel as you were married once and I will assume you had some sort of love for him at one point. How would you feel if your world came crashing down like hers is about to? How would you feel if his "sweet wife" were your sister? What would you say to her when her hypothetical H did this to her? Do you feel empathy?

This isn't about what the strangers that live 3000 miles away think of you. What about his kids and other loved ones? If you love him as deep as you claim, they may become a part of your world in the future.

What stands out the most is how you speak in glee of how you are going to get a ticket to meet up with him to claim your prize. I truly hope you will keep an open mind reading this and ponder on this for a while. Take care.

Also with the distance, I don't know anyone from there and no one there knows me. There's no reason any of them would ever need to meet me. We joke around about him showing me the area without anyone knowing we're there. I imagine they'd be ready with pitchforks if they knew I was coming lol.

I've been divorced for 14 years and dated lots of single men in that time. Never found one that I cared for much. The quality of my dates improved considerably when I started including MM. This is the first time in my life I've been with anyone I click with and truly love. It grew very slowly. We both tried to resist. But we've had such amazing experiences together, things we never thought possible. We have found true happiness for the first time in our lives. I'm not worried about people I don't know who live 3,000 miles away.

I just booked a ticket so I can meet my man on his trip home after telling his W he now wants a divorce. I'm in no hurry whatever happens. It's just a piece of paper. He lives and loves here. We are both free to come or go as we please. I'll be fine no matter what happens.

Thank you for your thoughtful posts. The insight we received here has helped us put together a plan for our future.

July 28, 2016

I

I just booked a ticket so I can meet my man on his trip home after telling his W he now wants a divorce.

This sounds like delusion to be honest.

Why would you go there? To celebrate while another woman's world comes crashing down as her marriage ends? To parade around the town with 'your man' after he delivers the bombshell?

Do you realise how cold this comes across?

You say you're a mother right? I hope if you have a daughter, she's never in the position of this BW.

You mean you seriously can't wait till he gets back to you in your country to celebrate?

He has the perfect set up. Why would he want to give up his wife, when there won't even be any change in his relationship with you?

Perhaps for a clear conscience, but considering he got her to plummet a load of her money into the mortgage .... I doubt that a clear conscience or guilt are an issue for him.

Nothing you've said adds up really like Minimariah pointed out.

July 28, 2016

Nothing you've said adds up really like Minimariah pointed out.

Yup agreed! I Think ThinkMore likes to stir the pot! I'm out!

July 28, 2016

Of course. We did it together. And I'm landing 13 hours drive away from his W.

I know I got what I wanted here already and should leave. But it seems like people are having fun with their doom and gloom predictions about a situation they know almost nothing about. And reading it all is entertaining...

Trust me you are entertaining as well

July 28, 2016

I'm sorry I'm coming across as brazen. People who know me know I'm nothing like that. It's a function of the way this is thread is progressing, the myriad way in which people misinterpret and misunderstand my situation. It's just too funny.

MM and I have both lived long decades of sheer hell and misery in service of making other people happy. I think we've done our time. At this point in our lives we think we're entitled to a bit of happiness too. As the meme says, you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. BW is a strong woman with a supportive community and everything she needs. She's been through this before. She came out just fine last time and I think she will again.

July 28, 2016

Yup agreed! I Think ThinkMore likes to stir the pot! I'm out!

I agree with you LD.... if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.. guess what? It's a duck.

July 28, 2016

I'm sorry I'm coming across as brazen. People who know me know I'm nothing like that. It's a function of the way this is thread is progressing, the myriad way in which people misinterpret and misunderstand my situation. It's just too funny.

MM and I have both lived long decades of sheer hell and misery in service of making other people happy. I think we've done our time. At this point in our lives we think we're entitled to a bit of happiness too. As the meme says, you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm. BW is a strong woman with a supportive community and everything she needs. She's been through this before. She came out just fine last time and I think she will again.

Man you sound cold and heartless, but I think you are right, the BW will be better of without her husband and once she recovers from this horrible betrayal she will see what a waste of space he was and be glad that he's gone.

However I don't understand your recent post. You say he just told his wife he wants a divorce but in your first post you said he told her he wanted a divorce the last time he went to visit. You said he told her over and over again and she just wouldn't hear of it. So what's different this time? Now all of a sudden she has agreed? I think you are seriously being misled by your MM. He's going to keep going and visiting his wife under the guise of going home for other reasons, while telling you they are divorcing. One day you are going to wake up to find that he has moved back home permanently or that his wife is moving here.

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What is BS thinking?!

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