How does No-Contact work without being mean or seeming highly vengeful or petty

[markraine]

I want to know how no-contact works without making it seem like I'm ignoring the person or evading them. I still love this person very much, but I just need

some time and space, plus they have a new relationship and need space for that, as well as time to see if they start missing me at all. How can I do this without

making it seem like I'm blatantly ignoring her or just being completely pissed off at her? I let her know that I care about her enough that I want her to be happy, whether it is with me or somebody else, but I need time and space like I said. What do if she calls? Messages me? We need some time apart, whats the best way in your opinion to go about this without ruining any chance we might have in the future?

[markraine]

LOL.......what if I tell her my cellphone broke? That is pretty much the only way she ever contacts me anyways, through phone or text message, lately she has just settled for the text messaging

[lindya]

I think if an ex sends you a friendly message, then it's good form to send a brief but friendly one back to show there aren't any hard feelings. Even if, in reality, you would gladly dig his/her eyes out with a swiss penknife.

[Nicholas]

My first action was to stop contacting her.

 

My plan for the next action was to, when she contacted me, tell her that I needed to limit our contact for my own mental health.

 

In reality she never contacted me after I stopped the contact, so I never had to explain why. I guess that said something about our relationship.

[Kelebek]

I dunno - I've wondered this myself. In a stupid turn of events, I ended up hurting my ex almost as much as he hurt me - simply because he knows he's lost me. I think he thought (selfishly) that we could be friends, as we are both in a big group of about 15 friends - all very close, do everything together. Therefore, when we broke up, I think he just assumed that I'd stay in the group. But even though it hurt me even more, I left our group, and now hang out with the other couple of friends I had, but it's not the same. They all miss me, he misses me, and I feel like everyone hates me because I've stopped all contact with him and therefore them - I know they're just angry because they miss me but I still feel really lonely. I'm the one who was hurt goddamit!!!

 

So, I don't know how you do NC without seeming rude. Cos really, it IS ignoring them. Occasionally I've replied to a message from my ex, but we get along so well despite EVERYTHING we've been through that it all clicks back into place and then I get sad. Only yesterday he asked me to go for a drink!!!! I can't take it, he doesn't seem to realise I need to forget he exists completely!!!! I just put it off, I know it'd be an extremely bad idea. Afetr contact with him, I get depressed and am in a cloud for the next 2 or 3 days, even more sometimes. And I'm with someone now!!! And it's ruining it!!

 

So - again, I don't know. Maybe you HAVE to just be rude. After all, if they hurt YOU, then that's pretty rude I think.

 

I think you sound great - letting her be happy etc. I think that's very, very big of you. I couldn't do that, sadly. My ex hurt me SO BADLY that it still hurts every day, a year and a half later, and I just think that I don't owe him anything. So I don't CARE if he thinks I'm being rude, because I don't owe him anything, i.e being nice to him.

 

However, you sound far less bitter than I am, so I would follow the advice of the previous poster - NC, then when she contacts you - apologise if you seemed rude, but you had to do it to stay sane. She really will understand. I actually tried this - my ex DIDN'T understand because he's selfish, so I've officially gone mad!! I hope you work this out!!!

 

Good luck!!

[ConfusedInOC]

There is such a thing as LIMITED CONTACT. NC is when you want to move on and close the door on a future relationship. If that is NOT what you want to accomplish then try limited contact.

 

Do you have a VALID excuse to drop her an email? An old CD or DVD? Some clothes? etc?

 

Drop her an email or VM asking if she has then and if you can get them from her. Keep it short and sweet. Every conversation you have with your ex, if you want them back, needs to be PLEASANT and under no circumstances should you delve into the past and why you are broken up.

 

By keeping it short and sweet, you are showing her you aren't harboring any anger, you're fine without her and if she does want to talk to you, it won't be a hassle.

 

NC is good if you are OK with never seeing that person again. It's for healing you and has the added benefit of "occasionally" breaking the other person down and them calling you. But it's no guarantee and in the process you very well could lose your Ex. That is the risk you take with NC.

 

With LC, you leave the door open a crack. But you can never break down, beg, cry, plead or do anything to show them you are NOT fine without them. And as I said, the conversations needs to be pleasant so that they'll feel comfy talking to you and that you will not let things degrade into an argument.