guyonline Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 My girlfriend and I have been dating for 5 years and everything has gone smoothly. I have never really told her I have wanted children but we had a general conversation and the topic of children was brought up, she mentioned that she does not want to ever have children. For me I have always wanted children, not right now but in the near future with two to four, depending on our future income and how the first and second children are I would think about having more. I have thought of ways to bring it up with her, but I am just don't know how to bring it up without coming across strongly about it. I just want her to consider at least having one ... but she seems very keen on not having one...
leogirl876 Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 If she doesn't want kids and you do, then you're with the wrong person and need to move on. I don't kids either and really don't see myself changing my mind. So if you wanna bring it up to her, I'd say something like "I've been thinking lately, and I know you don't want kids, but I realize I do, so I need to make sure that you don't." If she reiterates that she doesn't, then you need to decide if you wanna stay with her and be ok with not ever having kids, or you need to move on. 4
mortensorchid Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 I'm afraid that you are at an impass. I wanted kids, I am 41 and that is looking dim at this point. I seem to have had a habit of ending up with men who did not / do not want them. Oddly enough, one that I was with for a flash a few years ago said that he did not want children, then he married the next woman barely a year later. Today they are divorced and he had two children with her. I wonder if he likes them, quite honestly. I also have known couples who said that they did not want children and after they'd been married for so many years, they had one and then another and another. And I knew a couple who said they didn't want kids, then they got pregnant by accident, had and kept the child and talk about the joy their child brings them. As to your situation? I don't know what else to say except that either you have to decide that this is the woman you want to be with and recognize that you will not have children, or you will have to end it and find another woman who does.
smackie9 Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 My girlfriend and I have been dating for 5 years and everything has gone smoothly. I have never really told her I have wanted children but we had a general conversation and the topic of children was brought up, she mentioned that she does not want to ever have children. For me I have always wanted children, not right now but in the near future with two to four, depending on our future income and how the first and second children are I would think about having more. I have thought of ways to bring it up with her, but I am just don't know how to bring it up without coming across strongly about it. I just want her to consider at least having one ... but she seems very keen on not having one... She told you never, and that means no. You cannot convince a woman to push babies out of herself for you. I am like her I never wanted kids either. If my husband turned to me and said he was wanting 2 to 4 kids I would tell to take a flying leap into someone elses V. BUT we had that conversation on our third date. I made it perfectly clear and if he had any doubts, then tell me right then and there.....I didn't want to be holding him back. You need to approach this differently. You need to let her know you wish to have a family soon someday. Since she is dead set against it, it's time to consider breaking up. Then leave it with her to give you an answer if she would or not. 3
smackie9 Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 BTW I think it's a cruel deal that you kept this from you GF just to keep the relationship... 7
basil67 Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 The best time and place for you to have said this would have been when she said that she didn't want kids. As that time has passed, you're really only left with the "we need to talk" conversation and be fully prepared for the relationship to end. 2
fenix Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 Your girlfriend has been honest to you about how she feels about having children, you have been shady about your feelings and led her on by hiding to her how you feel about this. Now you are going to break a bomb to her because she will need to choose between losing you or accepting having children with you...:mad::mad: You should be honest with her as soon as possible and if she doesn't want to have children either you accept it and NEVER bring it back or you leave her for someone who loves her and accept her with her own life choices.
elaine567 Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 "she does not want to ever have children." - that is pretty plain, unless she is someone who tends to change her mind pretty frequently about what she does or doesn't want, then you have to believe her. I cannot understand why you never had an inkling of her true feelings regarding children in 5 years. YOU have two choices. 1. You decide that having children is no big deal to you and you continue with your gf. YOU accept that you are never going to have children, as long as you are in this relationship 2. Children are important to you, so you split up with your gf and find another woman who wants to have the 4+ children you desire. The decision to have or not have children is not as fluid as the desire to choose vanilla instead of chocolate ice-cream. Having children often means a sacrifice of some kind, time, money, emotion, ambition, piece of mind, even health... and for those who do not want children, those sacrifices are too high a price to pay. It is usually a deeply held conviction and those who have no desire for children are not easily swayed. People who do not want to have children cannot be persuaded or rail-roaded into having children, without a lot of resentment building up later. Yes, you could potentially "emotionally black mail" her into having one, but she will most likely ultimately hate you for it, and is that a great atmosphere to bring up a child in? 3
shet Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 As others said, you can't change her mind, or your own. Conceivably, she might change her own mind on a long enough time frame, happens all the time... if the number of 16-24yo's I've known down the years who turned their noses up at kids and swore they'd never have one stuck to their convictions, we'd be experiencing something like the society in the film Children of Men now. Particularly if she has yet to hit her 30's, because in my experience that tends to have a seismic effect on women's desire to have children regardless of their attitude before then. The panic sets in. I'd have a major conversation about it ASAP. I've known marriages and prospective marriages torn apart by conversations like this that didn't happen soon enough. 1
elaine567 Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 I'd have a major conversation about it ASAP. I've known marriages and prospective marriages torn apart by conversations like this that didn't happen soon enough. Agreed. This is a major mismatch and no matter how wonderful you relationship is atm, then this will always be the spectre at the feast.
sandylee1 Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 For the life of me I can't understand why you entered a relationship with a woman who doesn't want kids and you do. Did you think it would be a quick casual relationship and not get that far? Don't start trying to persuade her, just have a discussion to end the relationship. You shouldn't be deprived of having kids and she shouldn't be forced to have kids. Just tell her you thought you could get used to not having kids, but you can't and for that reason you have to end things. You'll just get resentful of her otherwise and everytime a friend has a baby and he or she grows up and they talk about kids stuff, you'll feel sad. Don't waste any more time in the relationship.
GunslingerRoland Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 Well, that was dumb of you, wasn't it. You waited for 5 years to tell her about this? What a waste... if you really want kids, break up with her and find a woman who does. 2
RecentChange Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 (edited) Yep, you should have told her 5 years ago. PLEASE do not try to guilt trip, manipulate or otherwise try to convince her to have children. Children should never be a compromise! How in the world did this not come up before now? What did you say when she said she didn't want children? You never ever mentioned that you do? Seems so strange. Anyway, unfortunately this is a deal breaker. You two are not compatible on one of the most basic and most fundamental choices to face a couple. As someone who doesn't want kids, I drop that little bit of info in the first few weeks of dating. You wanted 5 years. (Fyi. I am 38 and have always known I didn't want kids, never budged on that) Edited July 25, 2016 by RecentChange 1
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