Noirad Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 Hi guys, I just went through a little bit of a strange break up and I am not sure what to make out of it, so I figured it make sense to share it and ask around. I have been dating this girl for about 5 months and we immediately clicked, it was almost tangible how good of a fit we were. Very much aligned in terms of humour, chemistry, life goals, etc. She was 1,5 month out of a 1,5 year relationship, so I figured I am probably not a rebound. However the thing was that she was in front of finishing her university and going to US for 4 months and at the beginning she kept saying that she is not certain if we make it (she stopped after 2 months). Anyways 3 awesome months down the road, she got very distant from one week to another. She got into a lot of pressure in the school (turning in diploma thesis in 1 week and state exams in another 3) + I was going abroad for couple of months. I contributed this to the stress and gave her some space, but when she came back to my place following week I kind of blew out and we had a fight. She took off and slept at her friends' place. However after a reconcilliation from my side she told me that I was the best person she has ever met, that she is sorry and she will be happy if I be her travel buddy in US (in a romantic sense). Fast-forward 4 weeks - we are 20k km apart,things are kind of cold and I am getting nervous. She writes back, but does not really initiate conversation. So I pushed her to get something out of her: do we want light contact, do we want heavy contact or does she want to break up? Well, as you might have guessed, she broke it off, but in such a bull**** way, that I am still struggling to wrap my head around it. She said that I am the perfect person, I am putting much more into the relationship than she does and she still has some feelings for her ex and she realized that she is not in love with me because she does not do the things she does when she is in love (however I am pretty positive that she was in love 2 months before); at the same time saying that she could be happy with me, but my life would be a living hell, ... Then saying that she doesn't know what she wants, she is confused, when I asked if there was somebody else involved, she said no. She kind of said that she can't be a proper girlfriend at this point of time and is not sure if she can be one in couple of months and doesn't want me to go to US to see that it was a complete waste of time. I was very surprised by this, because as I got to know her, she was this kind of a very straight forward, to the point person, who is not messing with other people's minds, so this caught me really off guard. BTW she did not really want to discuss that at this point, I forced this discussion. Important piece of puzzle: she has problems discussing negative events in her life and I think she cracks under pressure quite easily. Also I believe she had quite a bit of complex about me - I am 2 years older (but quite young) and on top of business career for this age. I think she felt like she has to get her degree in order to get closer to my level, but that unfortunately didn't happen (she failed both state exam and diploma thesis, not sure why) - interestingly when she told me about the diploma thesis, she apologized for disappointing me (WTF) and she didn't even tell me about the state exams (despite me asking few times). I have never teased her about it or stated that I have high expectation on her, but I think it might be self-inflicted. It is worth saying that she also has some medical issues and perhaps it was too much pressure for her to handle, I don't know. I went NC 2 weeks ago and I will stick to it. I am not keeping my hopes high, that never helps (despite both my exes coming back to me before), but I am actually wondering if somebody can help me piece this together from the psychological perspective.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 She gave you the reason why, wrapped in a bunch of other excuses: she's still got feelings for her ex. I'd bet any money he's resurfaced and they've been talking. Don't drive yourself nuts trying to analyze this psychologically, because that''s not why she broke it off. All that matters here is that her heart is somewhere else. She was honest enough to admit that. It sucks, but believe her and start moving on. 1
Author Noirad Posted July 24, 2016 Author Posted July 24, 2016 I don't know, man... I know he resurfaced and he wants another chance, she at the same time thinks he is a piece of ****, but I guess it is not easy to let go sometimes (she broke it off originally with him, but apparently there is still some substance). I am not waiting for her - she knows very well what kind of a relationship she just blew up and if that's what she wants, then she is not good enough.
LD1990 Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 She flat-out told you she still has feelings for her ex. There is no puzzle here. She wasn't over him when she got together with you and she still isn't, so she dumped you. It's lousy, but better that this happened before you went traveling with her. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 I don't know, man... I know he resurfaced and he wants another chance, she at the same time thinks he is a piece of ****, but I guess it is not easy to let go sometimes (she broke it off originally with him, but apparently there is still some substance). I am not waiting for her - she knows very well what kind of a relationship she just blew up and if that's what she wants, then she is not good enough. Yes, there is obviously still something there. He wouldn't have come up at all otherwise. And if you know he wants another chance, well, it's pretty clear that's the path she's chosen. It's not fun but it's far better that she told you now instead of dragging this out when her heart wasn't in it.
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