jamiebm35x Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 My girlfriend and I (both in our late 20s) have been dating for over a year now, and we have had lots of rough bumps in our relationship. Lately, she has had feelings that I will cheat on her as I have cheated on one of my previous partners. I have been faithful and honest towards her for our entire relationship so I feel that this thought is because she is suffering from lack of self esteem and I want to try to help her boost her self esteem back to her previously positive and bubbly personality. I am wondering if you guys can recommend any ideas for me? I think my girlfriend has low self esteem. She consistently asks me why I want to be with her, and says that I should look for a better girlfriend. I think her low self esteem stems from several factors: I cheated on my first girlfriend. My current girlfriend had been cheated on twice in her previous relationships. She is very sensitive about faithfulness, especially after marriage as she has witnessed a lot of divorces with her friend's friends due to infidelity. Earlier in our relationship, I was very unsupportive (more on that later). I am trying to be a much more supportive boyfriend now. She use to work in the IT field and was treated very well. She switched career paths and her new job is horrible. She goes above and beyond in her role, but is consistently verbally abused by her co-workers and management team. She is starting her new job in a few weeks. She use to be extremely fit to the point where both genders would be checking out her body. While we broke up (more about that later), she gained a significant amount of weight. There's a female-only gym next to her new work place, and she is planning to take advantage of that. My plan to raise my girlfriend's self esteem is to focus on a few key points. I'm seeking advice as what I can do to help increase my girlfriend's self esteem: Be a more supportive boyfriend by supporting her decisions and ideas Encourage her more to get fit via staying active and proper nutrition (I am fairly fit and knowledgeably in about nutrition and weight lifting) Help her get settled into a job with a positive work environment Keep on encouraging her to keep doing her hobbies A bit of background story about us: Before my current girlfriend, I have been in two other long term relationship (both 6 years long). I cheated on my first girlfriend to be with my second girlfriend. My second girlfriend did not work out, and started dating my current girlfriend two years after. While dating my current girlfriend I was not very supportive. When she suggested things such as going back to school to get a better job, I said that it would cost a lot of money. When she suggested that she should open her own business, I said it was a bad idea as she doesn't know much about how cruel your own business can be. Needless to say, I now realize how awful I was and I am now trying to be a very supportive boyfriend. My girlfriend has dated three guys before me. Her second and third boyfriends cheated on her. Before dating me, she already knew that I had cheated previously but she decided to still date me. For the first month of our relationship I consistently talked about my ex's because I wanted her to know about my entire history. That made my girlfriend very uncomfortable (I was very stupid, did not realize this, and now I don't talk about my ex's anymore) and so we broke up. Half a year later, we started talking again and began dating. It has been a year, and is still afraid that I may cheat on her.
66Charger Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 What is your question bro? Did you say stupid things to your girl? Yes. Are you going to cheat on her? Well only you can answer that. If you love her and want to stay with her, STOP DOING STUPID STUFF, and just love her to death. Its really that simple. 2
NTV Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 Dude, let me say this three times, because it's that important: "You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness." "You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness." "You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness." If her self-esteem is down, she, and ONLY she, can fix that. You plan is facing a logical fallacy from the beginning.... you have no control over how she feels about herself. Zero. Zip. Nada. My vote is to tell her that you recognize this. That you can do things within your power by your actions to show her that you care. Or things that you THINK show her, but at the end of the day... only she can control how she feels. Recognize that she isn't a child helplessly controlled by her emotions. ------------------------------------------- As far as her being afraid that you might cheat... I see that as a valid fear. You've got two-three red flags that should caution anyone should they have been in her shoes. The cheating on your first GF being the only one you can't fix. And from my experience bro, you're gonna have a lot more mileage from trying to understand why she sees red flags than putting together this 'plan' to help her self-esteem. Maybe you can focus on listening to her and trying to understand better why she's hesitating on committing emotionally to you for fear of being cheated on again? Maybe take a look around here and read some of the stories that describe how folks truly feel when they are cheated on? Maybe ask her if that's how she felt then?
Cephalopod Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 (edited) OP has she ever cheated on any of her prior relationships? Have you ever caught her having inappropriate interactions with other guys? It could very well be that she is scared you will stray, but often times unwarranted jealousy is a sign that the person may be cheating or have cheated themselves and are transferring guilt onto you. Something to consider. When my xWW was in her affairs (with several men) she was constantly eavesdropping on my calls, accusing me of flirting with other women, getting angry when I would get home late, smelling me to see if she could smell another woman on me...she even accused me of sleeping with our next door neighbor once: the woman was in her 60s! Total transference of guilt,. Edited July 25, 2016 by Cephalopod
standtall Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 Dude..you have a solid plan. I have this to add. Actions speak louder than words...have her back at all times. And, give her those words of affirmation and encouragement. Time will solve the rest. 1
Versacehottie Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 Dude..you have a solid plan. I have this to add. Actions speak louder than words...have her back at all times. And, give her those words of affirmation and encouragement. Time will solve the rest. I would second this. I think your plan is really good! It's not too intrusive or smothery. It is very caring. It seems like you have learned from your past mistakes and grown up as a person since you've been together. All I can say is to do your part and hope she can do hers. Just like you learned your lesson not to overshare about past relationships, she has a responsibility to your relationship NOT to bring her past baggage and hurt with her to yours. A touch of being a little nervous is probably reasonable, more is not and will just cause problems--probably unsurmountable ones. I think her current low self-esteem is probably a combination of factors, including the weight gain and bad job. If those things improve and her attitude toward you and the relationship does not though, well it just may never work. A permanent low-self esteem can be a bottomless pit. Good luck.
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