Jammydodger7 Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 Hello there! I have been lurking on here for a while, and I feel like I'm ready to post my story - of course it's as predictable as many peoples on here unfortunately, but I do believe that speaking to other people who have gone through the same experience will help both myself and hopefully other people in the same boat. I am a FOW - the A was only 8 months long but it very quickly got under my skin. A bit of background info, I'm in my late twenties, single. He is married at 30 with children. He is my boss, I have worked very closely with him for 4 years - i would love to say we always had a friendship - but we didn't. I often felt before the A that he resented me, disliked me strongly and I sought his approval desperately (work approval only). Worked my ass off but his attitude didn't change toward me. He was often ignorant of me, cold and unpredictable (would go from ignoring my work related emails and messages all day - whilst in my line of sight and clearly not swamped with work) to messaging telling me how amazing and impressive my work was on a Friday night (clearly after going out for some drinks, although at the time I never realised this). In hindsight, I can only now assume that he treated me differently because he was attracted to me and wanted to keep his distance. Saying that, when he was being nice, we were great and could really have fun together. I looked up to him, admired and respected him and if I'm honest, wanted his respect and approval back. 3 years later, office drinks. We had been getting along in work well for a good few months and I felt like we were probably on the road to being 'work friends'. Anyway, I was in the wrong place, at the wrong time and in the wrong frame of mind (I should add that I was in a toxic 3 yeah relationship which ended about 6 months before this night - it had taken me a long time to get to a stage where I'd stopped blaming myself for my exes lies, cheating and gaslighting but I was finally getting to a place where I was more confident and able to enjoy myself)...we slept together. I was so confused and guilty about it - he seemed calmer than me about it - but he very easily controls and hides emotions so I could understand that. Following this, he messaged me every day, this developed into long messaging spells every evening. I really poured my heart out to him, and him to me. I felt cared for, special and appreciated - things that I hadn't felt for so long with my ex and fell for him fast - cheesy I know. He told me he wanted to be with me, even asking me whether I would be with him in a few months if he was to end his marriage. This sounds even more typical and cliche when written down - IM CRINGING NOW! We had stolen moments in the office together, and the odd weekend together when his wife went away. I ended it a handful of times, ended up being pulled back in - never truly believing that he would lead me on or lie to me for his own gain as I believed (and still do to an extent) that he was a good, kind man. I ended the A for good two months ago now. I could no longer be his side chick - I was starting to believe that was all I was good for and his constant withdrawing/bombarding was confusing me and making me lose myself - someone I've worked so hard to know and try to love. He told me at first he would need to seriously consider leaving his marriage. But later on when I confronted him it appeared he'd made his decision - not me. Said he couldn't leave for the kids, he knows he's a coward, still will always love me, won't ever be happy etc. I can't say it's been easy, I can't go NC as I SIT NEXT TO HIM at work. I am looking for a new job but in the meantime it's been difficult. He has seen me come in with no sleep, horrific anxiety and generally feeling and looking pretty low after this drama. I am not going to lie, I feel down. I love the man that I thought he was - he has shown me that he isn't the man I though he was though and I know that I don't want to be involved with someone who can so easily lie, be fake and lead me on - I thought he was different to my ex but now I'm having to face facts that the men I am attracted to might not be the right ones for me. I feel so hollow at times - it's got better recently, and so lonely and unloveable and primarily, so confused as to how he could do all this to his wife. Never mind me - how could anyone risk loosing a beautiful family for sex (I'm sure that is all it was to him - although he heavily protests). He still messages me, no longer through normal channels as he is blocked but through work apps. He often messages drunk and tries his luck...sends me dirty pics or generally act inappropriate - I should not message back, I really should ignore. I realise this is my weakness and I am being pathetic but I still speak to him when he messages (nothing inappropriate - always tell him that he cannot be like that anymore, think about how you W would feel? Is this who you want to be?) but still, I miss him so I continue to engage. He uses work as a way to start such conversations, so I struggle to know when to say - this convo is no longer work related so I'm not going to speak to you anymore. I just fear saying it and I don't know why. It's pathetic. The other night, he was at a wedding with the family - all over Facebook he had put up lovely pics of them saying how much he loved them. That evening he messaged me to tell me how much he loved me and missed me - lay next to his sleeping wife. WTH - it's an absolute confusion bomb and I KNOW I want to move on, need to be strong, act with morals and dignity and meet a man who Actually wants me. But I just don't get it - and I feel like I need closure somehow but I don't know how. Thank you to who ever has read this, it's a bit messy so I apologise. I don't expect anything but I really wanted to get it all off my chest for now x 1
Shadowburn Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 Work affairs are the worst as you have to face terrible consequences of your actions on a daily basis with no escape. You need to disengage emotionally and of course stop entertaining him when he seeks attention after couple drinks. There is nothing confusing about his behavior, he'll keep trying to pull you back because he can. Don't make yourself available for him, and he'll stop. You sound like very intelligent and put together young woman, I think you got this. You know what to do...do it! Best wishes xo 3
pooldog Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 (edited) I love the term confusion bomb! But I know it's born of pain and I am sorry for this pain. You sound so smart you will pull through. I hope you find a better job quick do the prospects for such an escape look good for you? Hugs!! Keep us posted and welcome to our crazy confusion bomb club here on LS [] Edited July 25, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Deleted full quote of original post ~6 3
Author Jammydodger7 Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 Thank you all for your replies . And for taking the time to read my story, I didn't realise how much i had written. I am trying to find a new job but I do not want to leave for the wrong one - I want to make sure I leave to better my career AND get rid of him, and not just to get rid of him. 3
loveisanaction Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 Let me just tell you this; when we humans are horny, we love everything and everybody. All of sudden the mailman, the milkman, the postman and the cleaning lady all begin to look very attractive. When humans are horny we say the most romantic things but it’s not coming from our hearts, it’s coming from the hormones that are raging through our body. Once we have 'done’ what we need to do to get them to level off our logical thinking takes over. When we’re horny, we humans will say everything that we need to say to get us what we want. That’s what your married man did to you. He told you what you needed so that you would give him what he needed. When his hormones had leveled off and he was thinking clearly he made the choice concerning who he wanted to be with…..his wife. Men in general are very good with words and become romantic poets when aroused. I hope you find another job OP and I hope you never have an affair with another married man again. Good, single and available men are everywhere… 4
Southern Sun Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 Loveisanaction said it right - when he really wanted you, he pulled you in with his words and behavior and romantic actions. He even talked about being with you once he left his wife!! After a time (and some months of sex), he got his head back on straight and realized he had overestimated his affections a bit. That testosterone poison was finally a little bit less raging! I don't think he did it with INTENTION. It probably took him over and whipped him into a frenzy too. But I've read somewhere that men are irrational before they have sex and women are logical; after they have sex, men become logical and women become emotional. We switch places. When men really want sex, they can barely see straight. But once they've had their fill, they start thinking again. Now, even though it goes against your natural bent, you need to put your thinking cap back on. I had an affair with my married boss too. Worst mistake of my life!! You are in a better position than I was, because you are single and can walk away from this mess. Work very hard on finding another job. In the meantime, ignore every single advance he makes. If a message turns personal, literally blank him - do not respond. The fact is that he is your boss and you could take it to HR and tell him you will do so if he does not stop. I know that is a hard step for you because of your feelings...so if you can just hold your head up and give him no attention, that will tell him everything he needs to know. You sound like a prize he does not deserve.
Author Jammydodger7 Posted July 27, 2016 Author Posted July 27, 2016 Thanks for your advice all. I deffinately do need to stop even replying to him now - you're right. I just don't get how these MM can continue to pursue, it's so confusing. I think the only way he'll truly stop is if he gets caught to be honest and he's very lucky in that I won't ever hurt his wife or jeopardise their potential happiness in the future by telling her. My theory with the ones who don't get caught is that they will just carry on being irresponsible and unfaithful until one day, they inevitably do get caught. The irony is that they are all the same but they and we all think they're different .
Author Jammydodger7 Posted August 1, 2016 Author Posted August 1, 2016 I don't really know why I'm writing here, I suppose were all in the same boat really so it's comforting. I posted my back story of my affair with my married boss last week. He's since taken the approach that not contacting me outside of work is the right thing...and it is, and my rational self knows it. But today, I feel so lost and rejected - as a friend if not anything else - I know we can't be friends and a part of me accepts that but I don't think my head is being rational today . I feel like a failure, I have a bad track record of going for the wrong men and this only serves to fuel my belief that I'll never meet someone that truly cares. I just feel so sad and lonely. And I know it's a bit sad posting this on a board of people who don't even know me but I needed to get my feelings off my chest. I'm just so scared I'll never meet someone who truly cares about me and doesn't make me lose myself x 2
imperfectangel Posted August 1, 2016 Posted August 1, 2016 Don't feel sad about posting, sometimes it's easier to share wth LS because it's a group of (non judgmental) strangers. I'm still in my a so I don't feel I can comment on the rest but if I were you I'd start to look for new employment otherwise you'll have a constant reminder and it'll make it harder to get over him 1
BuddyX Posted August 1, 2016 Posted August 1, 2016 Copy and paste. Your story is written on this message board on a daily basis. What's always the outcome for these single women who got involved with MM is the isolation post NC. You made a MM a priority. Odds are, your Fam and friends were not relevant when you were in the Affair Fog. Now you're by yourself. It doesn't feel good. Does it? Don't make anyone a priority when you're nothing but an option to them. Time to reconnect with friends. Time to date. Time to live again. 2
BenchCoach Posted August 12, 2016 Posted August 12, 2016 Obviously, you skirted around the recommendation to look for employment elsewhere. You're never gonna start to make progress, until you take some concrete steps. Sounds to me like you rather enjoy the drama this guy has been dishing out- the hot/ cold tactic. I say again- start looking for another job.
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