wrestler145 Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 A few months ago, I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 years. We lived together and our relationship, for the most part, was perfect. Emotionally, she gave me everything I needed and more. She made me feel like I was the perfect man and that I could do no wrong. She loved the crap out of me. And I loved her too. She was my best friend. The only thing that could've been improved was the sexuality. She was probably the least sexual being I have come across. Yes, we had sex, but I always initiated and it was never spontaneous. In the last few months she said she did not want to have sex anymore, that she had gotten closer to God and felt guilty. I obliged, and we went strictly oral sex. That too was planned out and very "chore"ish to her. I had a coworker that I find extremely sexy. She's a great person in and out, but I am extremely attracted to her sexually. I started to crush on her pretty hard. She was fun to be around, smart, etc. I convinced myself that if I was meant to be I wouldn't have eyes for anyone else. Things were eating at me, I believed that the fire was lost (not sure if the lack of intimacy was the reason), and I broke up with her and moved out. Almost immediately this new girl and I started dating. Not "officially", but started hanging out regularly, going on dates, texting every day, etc. She was fun to be around and yes, still sexy, but I didn't get the same feeling emotionally from her. Didn't get the validation or feelings I got from my ex. I always felt like I was chasing her and that she was less interested than I was. But I think the chase was part of what made me like her so much. I think? Fast forward a few months and things didn't work out with us. She ended things a couple of weeks ago for whatever reason. So now I'm left alone for awhile. At this point I'd like to mention my masturbation problem...it's been somewhat of an issue over the last few years, despite my love interests. Pornography has been constant (at least a couple of times a week). I've been soul searching and feel that maybe because of that my sexual expectations have been raised too high and that could be a source of my unhappiness with my ex. She still turned me on...it just wasn't as exciting and passionate as I wanted it to be. The new girl turned me on with almost everything she did. A peck. A hug. Whatever...she knew what she was doing in bed, also. Got me going at every turn. Just didn't get that emotional side of things. I think I took things too fast for her. I wanted a relationship too soon...I probably wanted to seamlessly transition from my ex to her. Came on too strong and didn't give it time to shake out. So here I am...grieving the loss of two girls. I have been more upset about my ex recently. I find myself wanting to reach out to her and rekindle things potentially. I feel like I was maybe a huge idiot for not seeing what was right in front of me. Is the sexuality issue big enough to kiss a lifetime of happiness outside of the bedroom goodbye? The other girl...I really enjoyed her company. But when I think about her being gone, I really only thing about her being with other guys sexually. I think about how hot she was and how I blew it with such a hot girl who really was a catch. I know that sounds awful...but that's what goes through my mind. I still miss her being around though. She was good company and we got along great. How much does masturbation and porn play into this? If I hadn't been watching porn, would my eyes have strayed and would I have ever broken up with my ex? I'm feeling awfully regretful right now. I feel like I just messed up everything potentially. Do I REALLY want to be with my ex again or am I finally feeling the "alone" feeling and just want her company? It's so hard to tell. I should mention we are all in our mid-20s. Writing this post has been somewhat cathartic, so thanks Loveshack for that already. I hope someone can help me figure things out even further. I don't want to make a mistake by reaching out to my ex when it's not what I really want. I apologize for the length. 1
bathtub-row Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 (edited) I think you're forgetting how ex #1 made you feel sexually. Aside from that, she comes up with some religious excuse not to have sex, but somehow oral is ok. Now that's just ridiculous. Sorry. Do you really want to be one of those guys on the marriage site years from now who's writing about how your sexless marriage is killing you? We see this ALL THE TIME on this site. It's like an epidemic of people who are anti-sex. Here's a hint -- just because you love someone and just because the two of you are highly compatible in one area, does not mean you need to get married. Finding the right partner is often hard work and that's why people end up with the wrong person. Because they're terrified of being alone. Because they have been sold a fairytale that love conquers all. Because they don't believe the right person will ever come along. I think ex #1 needs to stay your ex. Just my opinion. As far as ex #2, it seems that the chemistry just wasn't there for her. For whatever reason, that seems to be the case. As far as the porn is concerned, I can't answer as to how harmful it is or not. I'm not a fan of it because it's not realistic. And when you're in a relationship with someone, you really need to stop doing that. I say go out and find someone that you're compatible with on the sexual level as well as the personality level. Do not ever get involved in a sexless relationship. If simply will never work. Edited June 30, 2016 by bathtub-row 3
Satu Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 Always completely finish one relationship before you begin the next. That usually means spending a period of time alone, uncoupled, not dating. Some people can't handle being alone, but they don't usually do well in relationships, because they don't really like being who they are. Take care. 2
bummer Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 Usually we see this story from your ex #1 the dumpee's side but it's refreshing to me at least that you realize the grass is not always greener. Do you REALLY want your ex #1 back? No, if you're blindly asking strangers then the answer is a firm, NO. For the porn, I take it you're also religious, just not as serious as ex#1. I personally think it's a fine diversion similar to watching game of thrones. But, if YOU think it's too much, you have a problem. Do something else. I'm going to postulate right now ex#2 was unimpressed by some of your porn moves. Live and learn.
Author wrestler145 Posted June 30, 2016 Author Posted June 30, 2016 I think you're forgetting how ex #1 made you feel sexually. Aside from that, she comes up with some religious excuse not to have sex, but somehow oral is ok. Now that's just ridiculous. Sorry. Do you really want to be one of those guys on the marriage site years from now who's writing about how your sexless marriage is killing you? We see this ALL THE TIME on this site. It's like an epidemic of people who are anti-sex. Here's a hint -- just because you love someone and just because the two of you are highly compatible in one area, does not mean you need to get married. Finding the right partner is often hard work and that's why people end up with the wrong person. Because they're terrified of being alone. Because they have been sold a fairytale that love conquers all. Because they don't believe the right person will ever come along. I think ex #1 needs to stay your ex. Just my opinion. As far as ex #2, it seems that the chemistry just wasn't there for her. For whatever reason, that seems to be the case. As far as the porn is concerned, I can't answer as to how harmful it is or not. I'm not a fan of it because it's not realistic. And when you're in a relationship with someone, you really need to stop doing that. I say go out and find someone that you're compatible with on the sexual level as well as the personality level. Do not ever get involved in a sexless relationship. If simply will never work. We had analyzed the reasoning behind it all...when we were in college in the first couple years of our relationship, the sex was great. It was spontaneous, exciting, etc. It dropped off after that. We both thought it could be the Nuvaring BC she started. It might have chipped away at her sex drive. That was just an idea though.
juniorrocha Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 You said sex was always initiated by you. You said that she suggested not having sex beucase of a very questionable reason. Why go back to that? After a while I'm sure you'll feel frustrated again. You'll want more than what she's willing to give you. You say you watch pornography a lot too, maybe that's related to the fact that you're very active sexually speaking and didn't have as much with your ex, so that was a way to relieve the need. It's good that both of them are gone. Now use that in your favor, stay alone for a while, be patient and eventually your answer will come, which I believe will be: I don't want either of them. 1
VeveCakes Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 Well I am anti porn but I will be the first to say porn has nothing to do with this. What you are looking for is girl #3 who will give you what you need emotionally and sexually. She's out there, when you are ready, start the search for her. This is what dating is all about. 3
Charlie99909 Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 Well I am anti porn but I will be the first to say porn has nothing to do with this. What you are looking for is girl #3 who will give you what you need emotionally and sexually. She's out there, when you are ready, start the search for her. This is what dating is all about. But, there's nothing wrong with meeting a few more women on the way to girl #3. Variety is the spice of life, man. Never forget that. I'm not saying sleep around, but talk to everyone you meet along the way. Even people you're not interested in or ones you consider out of your league. Life will surprise you. Good luck, brother.
Author wrestler145 Posted June 30, 2016 Author Posted June 30, 2016 The porn thing has been happening since before my ex, it wasn't because of her that it started. Like I said, it was good for the first couple of years...but then it went downhill for some reason. At the 2 year mark we went from long distance to living together...so maybe living together made it seem like it went downhill? I don't know. Either way, I feel like sex is such a shallow reason to not reach back out to my ex. Our relationship was pretty great in every other way. For the most part.
central Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 You're well-rid of gf#1, and gf#2 doesn't sound like a real love interest, so neither are a real loss. I doubt that porn has anything to do with your problem - a religiously- and sexually-repressed gf are the real issues. You're a normal guy who didn't have the smarts and integrity to dump gf#1 before pursuing someone else who would be a far better match. Do NOT go back - move forward with someone new.
bummer Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 Either way, I feel like sex is such a shallow reason to not reach back out to my ex. Our relationship was pretty great in every other way. For the most part. But you don't love her. You're thinking about rebounding back after YOU strayed. Respect her and respect your 20s by dating more before running back. You have to get the monkey off your back called GIGS or you'll end up straying again. dont be the dick your lonely self wants. Youll hurt this poor girl worse.
VeveCakes Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 No, don't waste yours or her time. Sex will eventually get to you if it's bothering you now, you will regret giving that up.
kristyxxbrickley24 Posted June 30, 2016 Posted June 30, 2016 This post made me mad. This is exactly why me and my ex broke up. But I'm glad it had to come to this. I would've been strung along even longer. Instead of the religious thing; I gained weight and he no longer found me attractive. I should've known. We had nothing in common, it was just sex and video games. The other woman was also his ex co worker like yours. She was pretty and he was basically obessed with her. I found photos of them together smiling with his arms around her etc. he saves her photos from Facebook etc and names them like "damn.jpg" and "hot.jpg" . And I'm angry at the girl? Yes. She knew he had a gf. She had a BF. They both didn't stop.
Author wrestler145 Posted July 1, 2016 Author Posted July 1, 2016 Guys I failed to mention one thing...when my ex and I were working on things, I brought up my issues with her. She was so willing and tried so hard to fix things and to change everything so I would be happy. She would've done anything to keep me around. This is one factor that makes me have second thoughts...if I had someone like that who was willing to do anything to make me happy, how in the hell did I let her go? What was I thinking?
bummer Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 This post made me mad. This is exactly why me and my ex broke up. But I'm glad it had to come to this. I would've been strung along even longer. Instead of the religious thing; I gained weight and he no longer found me attractive. I should've known. Kristy and wrestler, Read the divorce and separation forum. Youll see men and women who never grow up and never set boundaries. Know your early twenties are when limits are tested and boundaries are formed. Mostly through betrayed trust. If I could go back to my ex's past and beat the sh*t out of her early bfs who cheated and lied to her, I would if it saved her the insecurities and heartache which plague her. But she wouldn't have been the same girl if she didn't experience those things and would have made her mistakes later. For both of you, you've been woken up to getting comfortable or complacent in your respective relationships. Kristy, please accept your ex was a total douche but he will grow up and hopefully he has learned his lesson. Please come to peace and be willing to trust and be vulnerable again for your future bf's sake. Wrestler, know you are young and made a mistake. You've learned the grass is not always greener and to respectfully end a relationship before jumping. Please accept your true feelings and respectfully don't run back and hurt your ex again. Keep dating without regrets. I pray my ex will forgive me and not feel regret for our relationship. I hope everyone who breaks up from messy situations can forgive themselves and the offender so future relationships can thrive from the lessons learned. Life is too short to dwell on your regrets or forget them entirely either.
kristyxxbrickley24 Posted July 1, 2016 Posted July 1, 2016 The sad thing is that I'm still talking to him. I actually saw him yesterday in person. I think for now, it's better for me to talk to him then stay mad. I realized we're better off as friends. We did hurtful things to eachother but mine were in the past and he just couldn't get over it and decided our relationship more toxic. In the end- it had to come to this but whatever I'm still alive and kicking and I'll be okay. Itll just take a long long time to fully recover.
Author wrestler145 Posted July 24, 2016 Author Posted July 24, 2016 I broke up with my girlfriend in March after 3 years together and 1 year living together. I was thinking about engagement and was thinking about getting a ring soon. Long story short, I think I had GIGS and didn't work out after hanging out with another girl for a couple of months. Ended things with her about a month ago, nothing was ever official or serious. Now I can't stop thinking about my ex. Not a day goes by where I don't want to text her, want to see her again, or think about getting back with her. I keep looking at old pictures of us and miss her more than ever. I have talked to several friends and family members about whether or not I should reach out to her. The consensus is that I can't do that if it's "half-assed", meaning that I have to be sure it's what I want. I'm really afraid that I made a huge mistake by breaking up with her...and NOW I'm afraid that reaching out to her will be another mistake. I am so confused - some tell me that I'm just lonely and missing her will pass. Some tell me to reach out to her. What should I do?
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