Wife's 40th in Vegas

[Jdrummys]

My wife of 12 years (we have daughters 4 and 8) is coming back from her 40th Birthday girls weekend in Vegas late tonight, and I am not sure what type of reception to give her. This was a trip that I was never happy about but reluctantly accepted..mostly because she probably would have gone on anyway. She went with her 2 friends (one is her single "BFF" who seems to be pretty reasonable and grounded, and the other is a neighbor who tends to get very drunk and flirty, but has not been known to cheat. (I am very good friends with her husband as well). My wife also can drink past her limits and can get a little too friendly, but when I am with her and she's drunk, it's usually me she is all over. I do not know of any physical indescretions, but something of note did happen last summer. We had been getting along really badly for a stretch and I found some facebook messages from a guy she went to high school with who she ran into at a party a few weeks before. The messages were somewhat flirty.. talking about meeting up and not wanting her husband to know. I saw RED and flipped out on her. She insisted it was all talk because she just felt really unhappy at the time, and promised me she would cut communication off with him immediately. She showed me the sent text to him, saying she wants to work on her marriage and to not contact her again. So back to now....she also insists this trip is nothing for me to worry about , that I am the one who "butters (her) bread", but seeing a few pics posted of her standing in this meat market MGM pool with a giant drink in her hand has made me really uncomfortable (at least her wedding ring was on!) Any feedback?

Edited July 24, 2016 by Jdrummys

[understand50]

My wife of 12 years (we have daughters 4 and 8) is coming back from her 40th Birthday girls weekend in Vegas late tonight, and I am not sure what type of reception to give her. This was a trip that I was never happy about but reluctantly accepted..mostly because she probably would have gone on anyway. She went with her 2 friends (one is her single "BFF" who seems to be pretty reasonable and grounded, and the other is a neighbor who tends to get very drunk and flirty, but has not been known to cheat. (I am very good friends with her husband as well). My wife also can drink past her limits and can get a little too friendly, but when I am with her and she's drunk, it's usually me she is all over. I do not know of any physical indescretions, but something of note did happen last summer. We had been getting along really badly for a stretch and I found some facebook messages from a guy she went to high school with who she ran into at a party a few weeks before. The messages were somewhat flirty.. talking about meeting up and not wanting her husband to know. I saw RED and flipped out on her. She insisted it was all talk because she just felt really unhappy at the time, and promised me she would cut communication off with him immediately. She showed me the sent text to him, saying she wants to work on her marriage and to not contact her again. So back to now....she also insists this trip is nothing for me to worry about , that I am the one who "butters (her) bread", but seeing a few pics posted of her standing in this meat market MGM pool with a giant drink in her hand has made me really uncomfortable (at least her wedding ring was on!) Any feedback?

 

Jdrummys,

 

Yeah, can understand your feeling, but unless you have facts to the contrary, I would give you wife the benefit of the doubt. Nothing went on, no cheating happened. I would have a long talk with her.

 

I wish you luck..

[Poutrew]

Well, if this trip was going to be a set-up for cheating on you, you would never have been able to stop it. Tonight when you get her in bed, you can check over her body closely - if she has love bruises on her they will not have had time to heal completely. I busted an old GF in this manner... she didn't realize that she had a bite mark on her rump. Only other advise I have is that what is good for the goose is also good for the gander. You need to restore balance in this relationship, because right now she took all the power with her unilateral decision to go to Sin City. She chose Vegas. Perhaps it is time for you and a few buds to plan for an outing to New Orleans for the next Mardi Gras festival? If she comes out against it, sweetly tell her, "Hun, I trusted you when you went to Vegas, didn't I? Did you cheat on me? Would you have not gone if I put my foot down and told you NO? Right, I thought so. Well, the guys and I are going on this trip. We are all looking forward to it. In a way, I really ought to thank you for making this change in our relationship - before you left for Vegas, I would have never considered going anywhere without you... but times change, don't they...Don't worry baby, I will still be your man when I get back..."

[BikerAccnt]

Unless you have reason to suspect otherwise - such as she's back on communication with the old high school pal -, just take it as it was. A 40th birthday celebration with friends. Not everyone goes to Vegas to be bad.

 

I've been to vegas many times, both as a single, and solo when married (ex wife hate Vegas) and I never once thought of stepping out while there. I drank a bit, gambled a bit, watched shows a bit, and yeah, maybe flirted with the chicks a bit, but never stepped out. Even when I was single, never just picked up a random chick. Wasn't what i was there for.

 

If she's thinking of cheating on you, she needn't go to Vegas to do it. Besides, Vegas isn't what it used to be back in the day. I'd hardly call it Sin City anymore. It's way to family friendly these days. There are as many activities built around families, as there are casino's.

[preraph]

Honey, just because you'd see prostitutes in Vegas if you went doesn't mean your wife would. Chill out.

[Jdrummys]

Sorry bud, I wouldn't go near a hooker. I have not strayed once in oir 12 years together

[Lois_Griffin]

The messages were somewhat flirty.. talking about meeting up and not wanting her husband to know. I saw RED and flipped out on her.

THAT'S what you consider 'flirty?' Basically planning to meet up with this guy and her being worried about you finding out?

 

'Flirty' is complimenting each other and making silly little remarks to elicit a response from each other. This was out and out plans to get together with some guy until you caught her and then she suddenly was all gung-ho to work on your marriage. And for what it's worth, sending him some lame text and proclaiming her love for you and telling him never to contact her again means SQUAT. More than likely, the first chance she got away from you, she probably contacted him and apologized for sending such a cold abrupt text and asked him to ignore it. I wouldn't be surprised at all if they just used another venue to continue their plans.

 

Phony "NC" texts or calls are done purely for the purpose of appeasing the betrayed spouse. Most cheaters don't honor them.

 

As far as Las Vegas, I can't predict what she'd do. But my best advice to you is never ignore your gut when it's talking to you, and yours is clearly talking to you.

[preraph]

Sorry bud, I wouldn't go near a hooker. I have not strayed once in oir 12 years together

 

So what is your problem with your wife going and having fun with her friends? Has she cheated in the past? People don't give up their friends just because they are with a partner.

 

Try to remember that anyone who wants to cheat can do it right there at home. They can do it on their way to the store or to pick up their kid. They can do it at the office or at lunch or on their way to and from work. They can pull the neighbor in for a quickie while you're on your way to Best Buy. It doesn't take long to cheat. Being possessive like this will drive a person away. Trying to get her away from her friends will drive a person away. One partner is not enough for most people. They also need friends and family and maybe a career.

 

Also try to remember that if she didn't want you, she isn't helpless or stupid, so she knows how to leave you. One thing I've never understood about possessive people is they have so little respect for their partner that they think they can't fight their way out of a box and all they have to do is shut the box.

[Bichunmoo]

From my experience. There are 2 types of people. The ones who cheat and will ALWAYS be a cheater. And the ones who will NEVER ever cheat on their partner. Hard to tell from your post. But I think you have a cheater here. The fact she was talking to a guy about meeting up is already the breakup flag. She obviously wants attention and Vegas is the place to get it. But again hard to say. Maybe the best thing to do is to have a proper talk with her.

[madjac74]

If there are trust issues then Vegas is not the problem but you should have told her that you don't approve and if she cared about your relationship more than a drunk weekend then she would have agreed.And why weren't you a part of her 40th birthday party??

[Lady2163]

What strikes me as interesting is that I took vacations away from my now ExH every chance I could. Yet, I've had boyfriends who I wouldn't want to take a trip without them, because I enjoyed their company, because they were fun, because they GOT me. ExH was not fun and if we were doing something that he didn't want to do, he would passive aggressively sabotage it.

 

So, my question is: what did YOU do for your wife's 40th that was special? I don't mean a family weekend, I mean a weekend with adult time?

 

They poster telling you to plan a Mardi Gras trip with the boys, is probably single.

 

While it makes me wince to read about trying to connect with an old flame without you knowing, there is still a pretty decent chasm between those actions and picking up some strange in Vegas.

 

Also, I'm sure your wife is quite attractive. But, the hard bodies she was with at the pool? They were probably also looking for hard bodies as well.

 

She's there with two other women. IF she did cheat - and I'm not saying she did - it won't be a secret for long. It's tough enough to get one friend to keep a secret, let alone two.

 

What kind of reception should you give her? Gee, I don't know. How about one that makes her NOT want to leave you and go to a party town?

[standtall]

A bunch of red flags, but no smoking gun. Perhaps you can do some discreet snooping of her phone. In the meanwhile be a loving supportive husband...don't change a thing unless you have proof. Instead tighten up your ship and be the guy she loved in the beginning.

 

Second, what is your line in the sand, and what are you gonna do if you find she crossed it?

[Marc878]

Check your phone bill online

[bachdude]

The issue I have is that the OP found FB messages between his wife and another man arranging a secret meeting. That is the backdrop of this Vegas trip. And she admitted she did it because she was unhappy at the time in the marriage.

 

 

I think it is reasonable for him to not trust her completely.

 

 

Forgiveness can't be earned but trust is.

[BluesPower]

Jdrummys,

 

 

Listen, the people on here telling you not to worry about this, are not being realistic. Not paying attention to this type of stuff is how marriages break up. Of course you are worried about her cheating and you should be based on the text with the old friend, THAT IS A HUGE RED FLAG. How do you know that she did not get a burner phone and use that to text him later? Saying, "Oh wow we almost got caught" or something like that!

 

 

I hope you looked over her body like one poster said, that is a really good idea. Negative sighs do not prove that she has "NOT" been unfaithful. A positive sign is conformation of your suspicions.

 

 

You would be a fool not to investigate this further. Here are some Ideas:

1) When she gets home, ask for her phone as soon as you see her. Do not listen to any excuses about privacy. Be cool and do not lose your temper. If she won't give it to you, then you know something is going on. There are no, and I mean not expectations of privacy in a marriage. A

H

and

W

, should have no secrets from one another, at all.

 

 

2) Like some one already said, check you phone bill as far back as you can go. Look for numbers that repeat and you do not recognize.

 

 

3) See if you can find the burner phone that she may have. That will tell all if she has one.

 

 

4) Get a key logger for your computer and tell no one. That will tell you if she is doing anything there.

 

 

5) Get a Voice activated recorder and hide it in her car. That will record other things that are going on.

 

 

Some posters may come behind me and say don't worry. I have been through this brother and I am telling you to worry. I may not be too late to save your marriage if you nip all this in the bud. If it is happening then you have to put a stop to in or your marriage is doomed.

 

 

Good Luck.

[Efohex]

Spending too much time in Vegas is one of the things that finally convinced me to be done with women. The things I saw married and soon-to-be married women doing there would turn many men murderous or suicidal.

 

Mind you, that doesn't mean that even a majority of people are compromising their morals in Sin City, but their husbands and fiances trusted these women enough to okay their trip to Vegas, and that trust meant absolutely jack ****. Trust is the lies we tell ourselves so that we don't have to face the potentially horrible truth.

 

By taking a trip to Vegas with the girls, your wife did something she knew you would not be comfortable with, and even had reasons not to be. People who respect their partner don't do that. Unfortunately, your first post suggests you respond heatedly to your wife's possible transgressions, and when we men do that, we have already lost. Instead, perhaps you might consider talking to a counselor, first by yourself, and then see where things go from there as far as bringing your wife in and working things out with her.

[Weezy1973]

Whether she cheated or not isn't really an issue. If you don't trust her, there is no relationship. I've broken up with women only because I didn't trust them. And it had nothing to do with cheating. No trust = no relationship.

[Robert]

Thread closed until the thread comes back, they seem to have been a drive-by.

 

If they would like the thread re-opened for more input or posts then alert on my post and we will do so, thanks