zingleton Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 (edited) Hey, Cliffs: - Amazing start to relationship 5 months ago - Since then, been a bit hot and cold - her going blunt on occasions - Apart for 6 weeks (with a week inbetween, she made no effort to see me) - Back now, met last night, but not sure if its too little to late, apprehensive and not sure what to do I'd love some feedback here, as I know I'm thinking about all this too much. About 5-6 months ago I met this girl and we started chatting/texting and dating. We'd go on a nice date about once a week and would be texting all day every day (not ridiculous, but when we could etc.) All was going really well. She hadn't been over to mine and we hadn't slept together. We went on a trip together and booked a hotel and that was the first time we'd slept together. We were both on top of the world at this point! A couple of weeks after, she went cold. Not replying to texts, not really being herself. After a few days, she opened up about her home life and parents health not being great - causing her to be stressed. That's okay with me, I'd just have liked that to be communicated to me. We made up and met up, all was good again. She was due to meet my parents a couple of weeks after but due to unforeseen circumstances, she couldn't. From there, our conversation wasn't the same again. She went almost cold and blunt on me again for about 2 weeks or so. I was due to meet her parents the week after but in the end, she said she didn't want to because of the issues at home. She was a bit shady about it all, as in, she didn't tell me it clearly, I had to get it out of her. We did meet up once or twice and had good flashes amongst the coldness. I told her I loved her at this point. (although I feel like I've maybe fallen out of love) Then she went on holiday for 3 weeks. When she got back she didn't make any effort to see me (we had about 1 week before I went away for 3 weeks). We saw each other for 1 hour but she had to leave early. I then went away on holiday for 3 weeks. During the time we were away, she told me she wasn't sure about the relationship because she's going away again for a month or so and didn't want me worrying about her when she was away if she wasn't speaking to me etc. I almost broke up with her on a separate occasion but we both said we'll try make it work. During that time I tried to bring up some of the things about the relationship: she's going cold and blunt on me quite a lot and always changes our plans last minute. We'll agree that she's staying over or whatever, but then she gets here and doesn't. Our plans always change. For me, that's hard as I'm a busy guy and like structure. We met last night for the first time since being away and we were on good terms, but I feel like I'm a bit apprehensive about it all. Almost like my guard is up. I feel like she's hurt me a few times with changing plans/going all cold. Almost like she's being a little selfish. Although when we talk about it, she ensures me all is good. My thoughts are, do I stay or do I go? I want to make it work, but I don't want to get back into the cycle of her messing me about? I don't think she means to do it, but she does. I've brought it up a lot too but she gets irate when I do and wants to just chill out about it all. Things at the start were amazing, I'd never felt like that before (I've been in long term relationships and have lived with partners etc.) if it was like that again, I'd do anything to be with her. Sorry for the long post, I just felt you needed all the context. EDIT: One other thing to note is, it's at a stage where I feel like I don't like asking to do things because I fear she'll just say no. Edited July 24, 2016 by zingleton
Author zingleton Posted July 24, 2016 Author Posted July 24, 2016 Almost certain she's not. She talked to me at length at the start of the relationship about how she had some trust issues due to being cheated on in the past - which really affected her. Not saying she's not, and I'm not being naive, but I very very rarely doubt it.
preraph Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 Sounds to me like she's just lukewarm about you. Likes you fine, but definitely isn't looking for anything intense with you. Or maybe anyone right now.
biker23 Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 She's either not that keen on you or not in a place to want any relationship. When it's hard to get together and when she isn't excited to see you after being gone. Not good signs. It's hard but you need a serious discussion on where you are. She's hiding some feelings. It's not fair for you to stick around with only hope.
Author zingleton Posted July 24, 2016 Author Posted July 24, 2016 I think this could be true. She certainly doesn't seem to have the same enthusiasm as she did at the start. My thought is.. Do I just ask her if this is true? Or do I try ignite the fire again, or end it?
Author zingleton Posted July 24, 2016 Author Posted July 24, 2016 She's either not that keen on you or not in a place to want any relationship. When it's hard to get together and when she isn't excited to see you after being gone. Not good signs. It's hard but you need a serious discussion on where you are. She's hiding some feelings. It's not fair for you to stick around with only hope. I'm scared to bring it up again as last night she apologised and said she wanted to start a clean slate. Would it be wise to bring it up yet again (she complains I do a lot) or just try play it cool and keep seeing her every week like we used to
ExpatInItaly Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 5 months in and you're already seeing how hot-and-cold she blows? It's going to be a struggle to maintain a relationship of any kind with this girl. Sorry, but she is either just not as interested as you are, or she's got someone else in her pocket. I know you don't want to believe it's the latter but it really does sound plausible here. Whatever the reason, she's not ready for the type of relationship you're seeking. I think you're wasting your time, to be blunt.
Author zingleton Posted July 24, 2016 Author Posted July 24, 2016 5 months in and you're already seeing how hot-and-cold she blows? It's going to be a struggle to maintain a relationship of any kind with this girl. Sorry, but she is either just not as interested as you are, or she's got someone else in her pocket. I know you don't want to believe it's the latter but it really does sound plausible here. Whatever the reason, she's not ready for the type of relationship you're seeking. I think you're wasting your time, to be blunt. this sounds very possible and would make sense. So, think I should call her out and simply ask her straight what she wants, exactly?
ExpatInItaly Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 this sounds very possible and would make sense. So, think I should call her out and simply ask her straight what she wants, exactly? I'm not sure you need to. She's showing you through her actions she doesn't want the same things. You can tell her what you look for in a relationship and see that there's an incompatibility and you wish her the best. In the end, don't you want to be with someone who actually wants to see you?
Author zingleton Posted July 24, 2016 Author Posted July 24, 2016 I'm not sure you need to. She's showing you through her actions she doesn't want the same things. You can tell her what you look for in a relationship and see that there's an incompatibility and you wish her the best. In the end, don't you want to be with someone who actually wants to see you? You're right. Thank you. I'm going to ask her tonight, but I already know the real answer I think.
smackie9 Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 Whatever the reason, when someone blows hot and cold, it's not your problem it's theirs....you need to walk because this behavior is not acceptable.....doesn't matter if you address it and you get an apology, they will keep doing it.
preraph Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 this sounds very possible and would make sense. So, think I should call her out and simply ask her straight what she wants, exactly? You should stop begging with her about it since you've done that already and got nowhere. The result will still be the same. You should just pack it up and tell her it's not working out and that you are looking for a serious long-term relationship and are moving on and good luck.
Author zingleton Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 So the relationship seems to have ended! I sent her a big message asking her if she really wanted to be with me. She didn't reply for 24 hours (unheard of for her) so I messaged saying that her silence spoke words. Told her that she wouldn't have to think about it if she did. She replied "yeah exactly". I asked her if we were just leaving it at that. She replied "there's not much else to say". Looks like she didn't give a f*ck! It's strange how we went from both saying how happy we were together/basically saying we were made for each other, to this!
biker23 Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 Sorry to hear this but I'd learn from it to not accept such behavior for so long. She wasn't that keen for quite awhile. A good friend of mine always reminds me to think of myself. Don't forget me.
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