How to best handle tactless people?

July 24, 2016

Hello. I sometimes find it difficult to deal with tactless people. I can be really indifferent by nature but I'm not sure whether indifference and silence are the best way to handle such people, at least in most of the cases. For example, I was with my middle brother's family on the beach for some days, and yesterday the oldest brother with his tactless wife joined us. While talking with both sisters-in-law about making most of the sun, the tactless one - who socially cares only about her husband & 2 kids - suggested that I go the beach with friends or a girl friend. [Well, I'm single, and have no proper available friends nearby, nor girlfriend because I'm a closeted mostly gay guy.](She may doubt about me, given some comments she makes on gayness time and again , but I don't care.)

In hindsight, I feel I should have defended myself differently other than indifference. Even though with no proper formal schooling, she always has a way out with words, and when put in her place, she kind of utters something like: "Oh well, I don't care - I just said that meaning no harm.." Otherwise, she is very calm and collected.

Is indifference, in most of the cases, the best way to deal with people like her? Thanks.

July 24, 2016

I wouldn't know if there is a best way to deal with tactless/ignorant people.

I smile and nod empathetically, if they require a response I ask them to repeat what they have just said.

I found this quote on another's post and believe it apt

Never argue with stupid people. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

- Mark Twain

I wouldn't give them space in my head

July 24, 2016

... the tactless one - who socially cares only about her husband & 2 kids - suggested that I go the beach with friends or a girl friend. [Well, I'm single, and have no proper available friends nearby, nor girlfriend because I'm a closeted mostly gay guy.](She may doubt about me, given some comments she makes on gayness time and again , but I don't care.)

As you say she only cares for her husband and family and so your life is of no interest to her.

You are young and single, and as far as she knows hetero, so what is actually wrong with her suggesting a young single guy go to the beach with friends or a gf?

Nothing.

But you are defensive as you have no available friends and you are gay, but she won't know that, so you can hardly blame her for stuff she is unaware of.

She is obviously not in your immediate circle of confidantes, so she is only trying to be sociable and helpful.

I guess she is not trying to wind you up, so stop being so sensitive and try to get to know her instead.

If she knows you better, she may start to tailor her comments to your situation, instead of giving generalised advice that is not applicable to you personally.

July 24, 2016

Sod them.

Not constructive but what i would do.

July 24, 2016

Depends a lot on circumstances. I've dealt w my fair share of sexual-social angst and pressure over the years and my reactions vary. If someone outright goes after me (and yes it happens) they're getting knocked down, but if they're casually snide it's usually not worth my effort. But to put myself in your situation specifically, if it was a scenario where your brother and wife invited you to the beach and then she implied you should be elsewhere I just wouldn't accept anymore invitations (unless your brother has the balls to correct her), but if you socially had as much right to be there - e.g. it was a family get-together that didn't really require invitations - and she snidely suggested you should leave, I'd def take exception and ask if she had some issue w me. Then take it from there - if she backs out and says no then let her know in no uncertain terms she should keep her comments to herself, or if she wants to get it on and says yes, then take that wherever it goes too - ask her specifically what the nature of her problem w you is and inform her that she's not the world's social director and to bscly stfu, etc.

This is all assuming she actually meant anything negative w her comments. If she really was just saying she wishes you had friends or a partner and so on, that's diff.

Also get out of the closet - no point in being in there in 2016.

July 24, 2016

Well, she sounds like a stupid cow. She probably disapproves of you but who cares? She's a stupid cow. I've been single all my life and never had anyone around me make such a rude comment as if I have no right to be where I am because I'm alone. Never.

I believe I'd have said loudly and while laughing at her, "Well, by all means, tell us how you really feel [insert Cow's name]!" Busting her right then in front of people and loudly and laughing at her, she might think twice about taking a bully shot at you again. Because she is a bully. So don't be silent. Bust her hard and embarrass her. After all, you didn't go to be with them. You were there in your own right as part of the family.

July 24, 2016

Thank you all for the considerate and thoughtful feedback. Just one more thing I forgot to mention in the original post: 2-3 hours later, I was sitting with her and my middle brother when she directed another jab at me by saying: "Go hunting, look around.." I replied jokingly: "Sure, by getting everybody's attention to that" to which she habitually responded - after understanding that her "advice" was not required:"Well,it's doesn't matter to me", and the conversation was shifted elsewhere.

July 24, 2016

Well, she sounds like a stupid cow. She probably disapproves of you but who cares? She's a stupid cow. I've been single all my life and never had anyone around me make such a rude comment as if I have no right to be where I am because I'm alone. Never.

I believe I'd have said loudly and while laughing at her, "Well, by all means, tell us how you really feel [insert Cow's name]!" Busting her right then in front of people and loudly and laughing at her, she might think twice about taking a bully shot at you again. Because she is a bully. So don't be silent. Bust her hard and embarrass her. After all, you didn't go to be with them. You were there in your own right as part of the family.

Well, she is tactless even with other family members time and again but she won't mature; this also because my brother doesn't "teach" her to be tactful/respectful enough..On the contrary, he tends to side with her!

July 25, 2016

Are you sure she's not trying to help you become comfortable enough to come out of the closet but just doing it in a clumsy way?

July 25, 2016

Are you sure she's not trying to help you become comfortable enough to come out of the closet but just doing it in a clumsy way?

I guess she is not that well-intentioned in any regard..

July 25, 2016

I remember years ago. A young lad was showing me some selfies of himself. He looked like a freebee porn star and I hated them. They didn't show "him" as he was at all and just made him look tacky and awful.

He was also going through a "phase" of dating emotionally abusive men who were having an effect on his confidence.

I remember looking at them and blurting out "Oh my God J no - just no - those pictures are horrible they make you look so gay!" He turned to me and said to me "But I am gay!". I told him no. That was his sexuality, not who he is. That those pictures where ghastly and didn't reflect the lovely sense of humour, the intelligence and the gorgeous sense of loyalty or charm he naturally has. I told him that I don't go around telling everyone I am hetro because its not WHO I am its just what I prefer in the bedroom. I told him that I was exceptionally proud of him just as he is but those pictures were just vile and not at all worthy of him.

Yeah - I know I goofed that one. But those pictures came off of his facebook and better ones in which he looks gorgeous and sexy and handsome went up. He started attracting a better kind of male too!!

I am still proud of him and I still goof sometimes. I still adore him and he is a gorgeous person through and through. I can't wait for him to find a partner that truly deserves him because he is one of lives gems...

So my advice is this. The people who love you will goof. Its one of those weird subjects that can be really prickly at times. So be yourself. If you find it inappropriate what she is saying then just walk away from it. Stick around when she is being appropriate, walk when she isn't and she will soon learn.

Good luck and do not hide who you are. Just be you.

July 25, 2016

one thing i know about a tactless person is that they hold honesty pretty close to their heart......if you ever need cold hard truth and straight forward logic ask a tactless person......people who have tact....i am one...often keep their true feelings on subjects hidden.....political views ...religious views....etc...they keep it under wraps.....or softened so as not to give offense.....you say she is tactless....then she doesnt know you are gay......if she knew....she would say something directly to you.....

how you deal with her...is to not take offense at what she says.....how she treats you is how she treats everyone...her saying she meant no harm...is truth....she has no tact...she states the truth from her perspective..it is not a personal attack it is who she is...and just as you have the right to say how you feel....she does too..even though her level of tact...is not the same as yours.....find common ground she likes to talk about......which is her family.....and maybe there might be a tangent you can open a different direction and topic with.....

that she only takes her interest only in her family ...is not a bad trait...it makes it a hard trait fro others to handle...does not make her a bad person..i am sure she has other interests......that you might be able to find out...but common ground to open those other interests....is her family..

is she worth the effort for you to get to know...i think all people are worth effort......even the tactless people..probably more so if you want to find out an open idea of who a person is...what they believe in.....you telling her you are gay....is your choice...you dont have to talk about your sexual orientation...it has nothing to do with her....if you find her jokes offensive...let her know....you find them offensive.....this i sjust my advice to you on how i would handle it.....i wish you well..deb

July 25, 2016

I guess she is not that well-intentioned in any regard..

are you not projecting? look at the words you are using to describe her. not exactly the picture of warmth.

if it really is bothersome then ask your brother what she is 'getting at'. otherwise a simple "i'm good" every time will get your point across without causing a scene.

July 25, 2016

I guess she is not that well-intentioned in any regard..

Right but you don't actually know for sure. Just because you're not taking it that way doesn't mean that's not how she means it.

July 25, 2016

I would respond with something like, "what makes you say that?" Then wait for her explanation... she may answer right away, or she may stumble about for an answer. Either way, you get a better idea of what she really meant. If it turns out that she's being judgmental or mean-spirited, then you can keep using this trick on her and watch her embarrass herself in front of everyone.

Something else you can try is repeating what she said. People have done this to me when I stuck my foot in my mouth. Hearing my words come out of someone else's mouth made me realize how it actually sounded.

Or next time she says "I don't care," you could respond with "if you don't care then why do you keep saying stuff like that?"

Edited July 25, 2016 by SpiralOut

July 25, 2016

Or next time she says "I don't care," you could respond with "if you don't care then why do you keep saying stuff like that?"

You're right but then she acts the victim, as if her "harmless suggestions" were misunderstood by others. However, she can't help being nosy and tactless - it's her force of habit, I guess.

July 25, 2016

are you not projecting? look at the words you are using to describe her. not exactly the picture of warmth.

if it really is bothersome then ask your brother what she is 'getting at'. otherwise a simple "i'm good" every time will get your point across without causing a scene.

Well, you're right it's not a picture of warmth but, excluding the above-mentioned minor incident, I may say that I (and other family members) know her well enough that she can be really mean - both covertly and overtly - once she has power over someone or something. I know this from direct experience. When I once complained to my brother about her conduct he said he could do nothing about it. Of course, he doesn't seem to care much --he has even adopted some of her tricks-- because he isn't harmed by her inappropriate behavior, since she is extremely devoted to her kids and hubby. Still, she loves to mess with us, too, although they live on their own.

Edited July 25, 2016 by alpet

July 26, 2016

Well, you're right it's not a picture of warmth but, excluding the above-mentioned minor incident, I may say that I (and other family members) know her well enough that she can be really mean - both covertly and overtly - once she has power over someone or something. I know this from direct experience. When I once complained to my brother about her conduct he said he could do nothing about it. Of course, he doesn't seem to care much --he has even adopted some of her tricks-- because he isn't harmed by her inappropriate behavior, since she is extremely devoted to her kids and hubby. Still, she loves to mess with us, too, although they live on their own.

Trick to dealing with people like this is to keep them at arms length and to have firm boundaries.

If she starts on you just get up and walk away. Treat her as if she is insignificant. Shrug instead of reacting. Put that space between you. Keep it there and just accept that some people are just not all that great... Sadly your brother has picked one so you have to put up with it and be polite to it but other than that you do not need to stress about it.

Chin up chook.

July 26, 2016

You are hard to read.

Anyway there are books about how to deal with nasty people.

Read some it will help you not just now but in the future.

If the person do have bad attitude. Just choose one time and confront them.

And since you know how she may respond prepare for that.

When she say oh well i ddnt ment it that way. Go in on it that she always say that after a nasty comment and you dont like it.

Stay assertive and calm. Just give the facts and stand your ground.

Some nasty people are like that because others enable them. By never confront them and make excuses for them.

If she continue, just ignore her. Even when she speaks nicely.

Since its just a in-law i dont see why you have to waste time on her.

July 26, 2016

Some nasty people are like that because others enable them. By never confront them and make excuses for them.
If she continue, just ignore her. Even when she speaks nicely.

Since its just a in-law i dont see why you have to waste time on her.

You're right about it. Still, I rarely waste time on her - I mostly choose to ignore her/act indifferent to her, but she loves to mess, all the time. Anyway, luckily I don't have to see her often now.

July 26, 2016

You're right about it. Still, I rarely waste time on her - I mostly choose to ignore her/act indifferent to her, but she loves to mess, all the time. Anyway, luckily I don't have to see her often now.

Some people are not aware how dumb they are . Or they think its normal because thats how their parents act to them too. Or no one ever told them to shut up. Or know how to speak.

Eitherway,

First time you just let the person know (make them aware of their behavior) and how it makes you feel.

If they continue and do any effort to stop, you know it intentionally. and then you just do what you have to do to protect yourself.

July 26, 2016

Hello. I sometimes find it difficult to deal with tactless people. I can be really indifferent by nature but I'm not sure whether indifference and silence are the best way to handle such people, at least in most of the cases. For example, I was with my middle brother's family on the beach for some days, and yesterday the oldest brother with his tactless wife joined us. While talking with both sisters-in-law about making most of the sun, the tactless one - who socially cares only about her husband & 2 kids - suggested that I go the beach with friends or a girl friend. [Well, I'm single, and have no proper available friends nearby, nor girlfriend because I'm a closeted mostly gay guy.](She may doubt about me, given some comments she makes on gayness time and again , but I don't care.)

In hindsight, I feel I should have defended myself differently other than indifference. Even though with no proper formal schooling, she always has a way out with words, and when put in her place, she kind of utters something like: "Oh well, I don't care - I just said that meaning no harm.." Otherwise, she is very calm and collected.

Is indifference, in most of the cases, the best way to deal with people like her? Thanks.

She does not know (officially) that you are gay, as you are in the closet. Do you think that she is goading you alpet?

I will not ask why you have not come out as this is intensely personal and something to be done in your own comfort.

However, why are you holding this woman accountable for your own discomfort?

July 26, 2016

She does not know (officially) that you are gay, as you are in the closet. Do you think that she is goading you alpet?

I will not ask why you have not come out as this is intensely personal and something to be done in your own comfort.

However, why are you holding this woman accountable for your own discomfort?

Yes, I think she is goading me but I'm not really worried about that.

It annoys me that she doesn't know how to behave with me or other family members - we come from a rather traditional society. I know it's a matter of space, and she has had plenty of it over these 11 years from her husband (my oldest brother), my parents, and my middle brother. My sister and me who have reacted against her/+ his improper deeds from time to time --surely not enough -- were considered the black sheep.

Two or three years ago, I wasn't on speaking terms with either of them for some months - following a heated argument - even though we were living under the same roof. But my sister - who's married - advised me otherwise, saying it's not good for family members. However, I became colder to them but her/their strategy seems to be the same by wearing the mask of respectability and bare the teeth, as/when they see it fit.

July 26, 2016

Alright then, I interpret this as an ongoing family dynamic...

There is a reason why you do not feel comfortable being yourself and it is decades old as you are.

Then...the question becomes; would you rather start with all of you in the open and build//tear down from this point... or,

Find a superficial way to find family members tolerable until you are emotionally strong enough to tell the truth?

July 26, 2016

Alright then, I interpret this as an ongoing family dynamic...
There is a reason why you do not feel comfortable being yourself and it is decades old as you are.

Then...the question becomes; would you rather start with all of you in the open and build//tear down from this point... or,

Find a superficial way to find family members tolerable until you are emotionally strong enough to tell the truth?

What truth? I don't intend to come out soon. Respect has nothing to do with sexual preference/marital status, I guess. Plus, I harm nobody; on the contrary, I may be too tolerant, which is bad, too.

I have told my family I may never get married if I don't find te right woman. Luckily, I live alone and am independent in all regards.

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How to best handle tactless people?

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