Ex girlfriend ended things after 2 years out of the blue

[WELLINGTON14]

Hi guys seen a lot of posts on this forum so thought i'd share my story, i was with a girl for 2 years she absolutely idolised me and would do anything i asked, i moved to america for 6 months for a soccer scholarship as i am from the UK & she still stuck by me and stayed with me, the only problem was that when i got back i felt really low and depressed, had no money to treat and do things with her and ultimately i feel like she gave up on me and was fed up of waiting for things to change.

We argued a lot but we had such a deep connection and usually made up within an hour, the sex was great and she said she'd never felt anything like it and when we was together i would always catch her staring at me and we couldn't stop touching each other!

We said we would never end things but here i am now questioning what the hell happened and how she is so cold and happy with her decision, she told me she is still attracted and that im a 12/10 looks wise but she didn't feel secure and that i would leave her if something better came along.

Fundamentally i realise my mistakes and that i hEld back because it was my first relationship & it was her third and she probably didn't think i proved with actions that i loved her even though i did! she wants to be a lingerie model & i feel like she thought i wouldn't approve and she doesn't want to get with anyone or have another relationship, she just wants to work on herself & has been going to the gym a lot!!

We have spoken since and i have received a lot of mixed messages from i want to just be friends, i miss you and love you so much i want you in my life no matter what, to i 110% dont want to get back together, i saw her two weeks ago in a club and she came straight over and was flirting dancing all night and holding each others hand like we normally would moving from club to club, we were both fairly drunk and at first she insisted she didnt want to come home with me but later on asked if she could come to mine and i said yes of course, she then asked to have sex and told me how good it feels with me, we spoke after in bed cuddling each other & she joked about being friends which angered me but i held it in & then she said never say never about getting back together.

Right now im very confused so i decided to go NC as i feel we haven't not spoken for more than 5 days in our entire relationship and she hasn't had chance to miss me and see what she's lost, tbh i am not confident at all she will ever come back so its a bit of if she doesn't i'll move on but in the back of my mind i love her to bits so its hard, very confusing because since the breakup she has rung and replied very fast and is talking asif nothing happened, but i feel like this is her being nice and im not getting anything i want & she's still getting everything and more so i have distanced myself and it has been a week now & she hasn't contacted me, i felt asif i should prove to her by taking her out and showing actions as to why i love her, but i got rejected when i asked to meetup for coffee as she said its too soon.

Sorry for the lengthiness but any advice help would be appreciated thanks <3

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry you're hurting, OP. Break-ups are hard, especially the first one.

 

I can assure you this wasn't out of the blue, for her. She'd probably been thinking about ending it for a little while, even if she didn't let on. You mentioned you two were arguing a lot. Even though you were making up, that much conflict takes a toll and can really damage a connection. What sorts of things were you arguing about?

 

To protect your own well-being, you need to go No Contact. Her back-and-forth behaviour can only hurt you as long as you are allowing her to come and go when she likes. That's not fair to you. It's not to say she will never come back, but perhaps this will give you some time to re-set yourself. You said you'd been down and depressed - how are you doing with that side of things?

[WELLINGTON14]

Hi Expat thanks for you're advice, people have told me to leave it and try and recommunicate in a months time or so they know the way we look at each other and there is still that look i get from her, the day after we had intimacy a week today actually we basically cuddled and gave each other little kisses & it felt right no awkardness at all, i dropped her off she gave me a kiss and went home in my clothes and she picked what she wanted and said she would never chuck my stuff out.

Really confused I've been out a lot recently and she works but has found the time to go out, no drunk messages which make me worry she doesn't think about me at all, the only problem is that i am a model and she even said in the city we live in there is noone better looking and im different, this made me feel happy even though its not all about looks, i know for her she wouldn't go for anyone in my city and i get a lot of attention off girls which i think she thought i would ditch her so she dumped me first, i know she wants to enjoy herself and concentrate on herself because she's in a dead end job, but we were best friends and even though i feel hard done by and hurt because she told me she cares but can't show it, i dont know what to believe anymore because she won't contact me after a week which has never happened before?

Ive lost a best friend and as much as i miss her and want to reach out & i know she'll reply i dont want to become a doormat and boost her ego knowing ill be there if she does change her mind, but the urges to hear her laugh are unbearable, i might be good looking but i have a personality and i am always very confident, it has knocked me down and made me question myself but i would honestly marry this girl may it be tomorrow or 10 years from now I've never felt this way for someone, and im only 20 theres plenty of people out there & i could bang different chicks, but im mature and thats not what i want, i want my woman back and i want to build something with her, i have one part of me saying you know you can get her back eventually but i have another side where im so scared she will forget about me because I've gone no contact, hurts like hell and if she had lied which i know she wouldn't but worst case seeing her with another guy would kill me.

I wifed her because she's classy so i guess i have to stay positive and there is no real answer apart from time just glad to get someones perspective and talk about this, all she ever wanted was for me to commit as much as her and show i loved her maybe im too late....

[Steven1]

Sorry for what you are going through.

 

I myself came out of a 7 year relationship at the start of this year. I think from what you were saying it's pretty hard to say that any one thing in particular ended the relationship. If I had to put a theory on one thing I may suggest that when you were away for 6 months that it was as different for her as it was for you, she may have enjoyed the freedom a bit more etc, obviously she wouldn't come out and say that, and I could also be wrong, but it may be something to consider.

 

Obviously what you are feeling now is very normal, I said the exact same things as you that I wouldn't like anyone else and I would wait 10 year, but down the road you will see things a lot differently. You need time to come to terms with what has happened. You will be in denial for a bit, telling yourself that she'll come back and you'll be waiting for a text or phone call that will never come, and that's completely normal. But I wouldn't try to go day by day hoping that things go back to the way they were, even if you did get together, there would be doubt the second time around, because it will always be on your mind as to why she broke up with you. Sometimes it's better to not know.

 

If as you say you suspect she dumped you because of the attention you received off of others girls etc, then she has a lot of insecurities to work on, and until that changes on her side, the relationship won't work a second time around either. She could also be looking ahead that if she does want to go into modelling, she will be thinking of the bright lights and red carpets, and may want to focus on her self until she makes something of it, rather than have a relationship.

[WELLINGTON14]

Hi Steven thanks for you're reply very hard to accept this though feel asif she waited 6 months and we had a year together after i went away and it wasn't perfect but i know she loves me, we used to speak in a secret language and silly things like that just being weird with someone and them completely getting you and being on the same wavelength, i feel asif the fact her friends are never really around and now they are starting to contact her more, may be swaying her decisions as i was her bestfriend like she said but her friends dont really like me and when she contacted me when she was drunk, she told me that her friends told her not to do it and i think she is listening to people that have never been there for her but now think they have an opinion.

So many unanswered questions why say you 110% dont want to get back together and then say never say never & then let you're friend go home alone just so you can spend the night with me, i think she is very selfish because either she's confused or expects me to always be there, she never has sex outside of relationships so to have not only a one night stand with me but someone that you know loves you makes me feel used & i shouldn't have give her what she wanted, she also made a point of saying she only dances with girls & spoke to my bestfriend about me when they saw each other before i got to the club, my bestfriend said one of the promoters i know asked why she ignored his messages and tried dancing with her and she told him to go away, but as soon as she saw me she was all over me & I've had people say she will come back you looked like a power couple and looked so happy together like noone else was in the room!

I just dont understand why she won't let me back in and i dont like playing games i'm an upfront guy & i feel like going no contact will push her away making her thing i dont want to work for her, thoughts please as you can tell im overthinking everything, but i know what we had and this is not like her at all she is the shyest most giving person & i respect her enough to be in her life eventually but theres no way i can be friends with someone i love as i feel if there was someone else it would destroy me, i know a lot of people and im dreading to think what i might hear & for me whoever she gets with it will never be the same even though we are not together i wouldn't expect or do that to someone i love even if she is just testing the water, i have her on no social media because im that frightened, people look up and respect me and think i'm strong but this has shut me down, just knowing someone can do this with no real explanation im crying and i dont think she is...

[preraph]

It sounds to me like she wants someone with money. She isn't a model yet, but I have noticed that models tend to always go with guys with money before anything else. I mean she thinks you're very sexy and good looking, but a sexy good looking girl can get anyone she wants and it sounds like she is seeking the lifestyle with money. There may be other things about your personality that she just decided she didn't want to live with long-term as well, of course. She may just also not be ready for any type of commitment because she is following her dream.

 

I'm sorry you are heartbroken, but please just realize if for whatever reason she says she doesn't want to stay with you, then she's not the one. You deserve and can get someone who loves you for you. Good luck.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, please understand that what you are feeling is normal. Anyone going through an unexpected break-up has the same thoughts. That sudden loss is not easy to deal with; don't be so hard on yourself. Nearly all of us have been where you are, and while it's very unpleasant, it's only human to have these emotions and most of us come out stronger for it.

 

Don't focus so much on your looks, her looks, who she might or might not be dancing with, and so on. I know its hard not to, but it's not helping. if you were as loyal as you describe, then she didn't break up with you because she thought you would leave her. But you really need to stop making it so easy for her to come and help herself to your affections whenever she likes. She will absolutely lose all respect for you and you will only hurt more.

 

I would like to ask again, perhaps you missed this question in my previous post: what had you two been arguing about? It's relevant because it will help us understand the problems in the relationship, and probably reveal something about her current mindset.

[WELLINGTON14]

Hi thanks again expat, basically arguing over small things like not driving to see her one particular time and she wanted me to be more decisive with plans, feel like it was very one-sided so i told her its not always on me to drive you backwards and forth at stupid times in the morning, she doesn't drive and sometimes had to get a taxi to mine when i crashed my car for example, i didn't see this as a problem as i even paid for the taxi there and back even though i wasn't modelling and working at this period, every penny i had i made sure i saw her.

I feel more hurt because sometimes she said i didn't care when she cried even though i cuddled her, we went through a lot and she lost a child i think this tested us and she always said she never wanted kids, it affected me because i dont want kids but i dont believe in termination and i wouldn't have minded having that extra bond with her, on top of this she works literally 24/7 and the odd day off she would expect to see me, which is fair enough but on odd days i was busy working on the days she had off but we'd always arrange something, only small arguments as she is very sensitive like if i didn't hug her long enough after sex, but i get girls need that and i always made it up by giving her kisses, also she followed a guy on insta i dont get along with and when i questioned why she did it she didn't answer this obviously got me thinking a lot and we argued and was off with her for a couple of days, i must say she is a very loyal GF and neither of us cheated so very surprised about this whole situation.

will no contact work we've spoken everyday for 2 years, she insisted on morning and night messages and now it seems she doesn't care if she never got one off me again, she is a stubborn person so makes it harder to cut contact because she's too proud to text first, really want to call her but im fighting the urge, miss talking to her and hearing her laugh!

[ExpatInItaly]

Hi thanks again expat, basically arguing over small things like not driving to see her one particular time and she wanted me to be more decisive with plans, feel like it was very one-sided so i told her its not always on me to drive you backwards and forth at stupid times in the morning, she doesn't drive and sometimes had to get a taxi to mine when i crashed my car for example, i didn't see this as a problem as i even paid for the taxi there and back even though i wasn't modelling and working at this period, every penny i had i made sure i saw her.

I feel more hurt because sometimes she said i didn't care when she cried even though i cuddled her, we went through a lot and she lost a child i think this tested us and she always said she never wanted kids, it affected me because i dont want kids but i dont believe in termination and i wouldn't have minded having that extra bond with her, on top of this she works literally 24/7 and the odd day off she would expect to see me, which is fair enough but on odd days i was busy working on the days she had off but we'd always arrange something, only small arguments as she is very sensitive like if i didn't hug her long enough after sex, but i get girls need that and i always made it up by giving her kisses, also she followed a guy on insta i dont get along with and when i questioned why she did it she didn't answer this obviously got me thinking a lot and we argued and was off with her for a couple of days, i must say she is a very loyal GF and neither of us cheated so very surprised about this whole situation.

will no contact work we've spoken everyday for 2 years, she insisted on morning and night messages and now it seems she doesn't care if she never got one off me again, she is a stubborn person so makes it harder to cut contact because she's too proud to text first, really want to call her but im fighting the urge, miss talking to her and hearing her laugh!

 

No Contact will work as a means to help you heal, yes. No Contact isn't meant as a strategy to get someone back. It's a strategy to help you recover from a break-up, as it encourages you to take the necessary space to move forward with your life.

 

It honestly just sounds to me like she doesn't know what she wants. She wants to be single but wants you around when it suits her. Don't let her do that to you. She wanted to end the relationship, so she needs to clearly understand what that entails. Go radio silent. She knows how you feel, so you're not pushing her away. You're simply respecting her wishes to be single.

 

Also, she sounds immature and thin-skinned, based on what you described. This isn't surprising, given your young ages, but you have to remember that she hasn't fully evolved into the adult she will become one day. Neither have you, which isn't a bad thing at all. That's why these young loves don't usually last a lifetime, because who we are and what we want change so much at that point.

 

Give her space from here to China. Let her see what life is really like without you. Focus on yourself and doing things to help you heal. You might just decide that you are better off, in the long-run.

[WELLINGTON14]

expat honestly the best advice and honest opinion I've heard about this whole situation, do you think i still have a chance because we do have that connection and she has told me she misses me and wants me in her life no matter what it is, she reached out to tell me this so it wasn't pressure etc it was off her own back.

I know i may need to move on and continue to improve myself and my financial situation and show that i am out of my depression & prove that im positive to her i honestly believe in never say never, and i know she may have said this to soften the blow but i believe it anyway i know my worth and i feel she does need to find herself & it isn't because she likes anyone else, just frustrating when you want someone now.

I have so much respect for her but this whole situation made me feel like i dont know her anymore, i wish i was cold hearted like i used to be, but even when im out i daren't talk to a girl in case she finds out and thinks I've moved on because i haven't and i know if i saw her out the only place she'd be going is back to mine & she would only be interested in me if i walked in the room, but thats not what i want most people are okay being friend or friends with benefits with an ex, but i want her to be my world just a shame maybe i left it too late to prove this, and i might have to see her happy with someone else, girls automatically assume i get a lot of girls and i do find it hard to make people trust me because of this, i just feel like noone will understand me like she did we went through so much, something i couldn't relive with anyone else and things only she knew about my day to day life!

I know what you're saying about letting it go but i honestly dont want to lose her because she has supported me so much but at the same time i can't see her with anyone else which will obviously eventually happen.

thoughts please appreciate you're responses!!

[ExpatInItaly]

Most people are not okay with being friends with an ex (or at least not immediately following a break-up) and are certainly not okay being FWB with an ex. It's totally normal to not want to be around someone who caused you pain.

 

I can tell you that you can't yet determine whether this girl is only one who will ever understand you. You admit this is your first serious relationship, so you need to keep in mind that you have nothing to compare this to. I also thought my first real boyfriend would be the only one to ever truly get me - guess what? He wasn't! Not by a long shot.

 

My point in telling you that is to caution you against putting limits on your thinking. You have no idea yet what or who else is out there for you, waiting to show you an even greater love than this. Almost all longer-term couples go through a lot and share a lot, and get to know each other inside and out. That is typical when you've been together a while. But it doesn't mean that she will be the only one in your entire lifetime you will share with. I have been in relationships longer than yours and can assure you that you are likely to reach that level of intimacy and beyond at different point in your life.

 

She might come back someday. But it probably won't be unless and until she's had a taste of what else is out there, matured a bit, and figured out what she wants. At the moment, she hasn't really experienced what life is like without you, so she doesn't truly miss it yet. She might arrive at that point, or she might not. The best thing you can do is set some new goals for yourself and keep doing things that bring you some happiness. That way, regardless of whether you reconcile at some point, you will better for it.

 

And if you haven't done so yet, block her on social media. Believe me when I say that sooner or later you are going to see something you don't like, even if it's relatively benign. Your mind will go into over-drive wondering who these people are commenting on or liking her posts, tagging her in pictures, showing up in her photos. You're not ready to see that yet and it will delay your healing.

[WELLINGTON14]

thanks expat again i think i really do need to stop reading into things too much, I've been through a range of emotions all at once from anger to acceptance to i dont really give a damn if someone doesn't want me in their lives and i know im a catch why should i care?

i think its a classic case of first love syndrome just weird after last week she still has things that remind her of me like she still wears the bracelets i bought her & refuses to give my clothes back as if maybe it isn't over and she wants to see me again, she never said she regretted sleeping with me either & after intimacy she said she wants this all the time, i was taken aback because obviously she's saying she doesn't wand to lead me on and give me false hope then saying never say never and that she wants this all the time, i dont know if i hate her right now and thats why im so caught up, questions without answers even though i should stop driving myself insane and realise im not a doormat and be the alpha male i know i am and others know too!

just find it really selfish that she wants her cake and eat it & say she's not given off mixed messages when she clearly is, when we first broke up i confronted her on mixed messages and gave her an ultimatum and she got so angry, i just dont know whats going on with her, but i can't keep waiting around people say no contact she will come back, and if she loved you she wouldn't do this and i agree thats why dont hold out any hope that she will contact me through no contact, but at the same time i have no other choice but to see if she misses me.

like you say NC isn't supposed to get you're ex back its time for me to adjust but i shouldn't be feeling guilty for not wanting to be a doormat or friend to someone that has done me over like this, i see an offering of friendship as an insult especially if you expect to sleep with me thats not what friends do, i have two girl best friends i dont need another one & i dont dream of sleeping with either.

Thanks all responses appreciated

[WELLINGTON14]

any opinions much appreciated??

[fromheart]

The only thing to do is to cut all the contact unless she wants to get back together. Tell her you're not interested in anything else apart from a relationship with her.

 

Then just move on with your life completely, getting back to your training and work. See other women if that's what you want.

 

You might then hear from her, but again if she's not interested in getting back, continue to move on.

 

Right now, she's in pain over the breakup and is weaning herself off of you, regardless of the way you feel. Get out of that place, its not a good position to be in.

[WELLINGTON14]

Hi thanks for you're responses doesn anyone think I gave up to easily and going in to no contact she might feel like she wasn't worth fighting for and it will confirm that she didn't think I loved her as much as she loved me, so confused really want to reach out but I'm a week NC and don't want to ruin it, she isn't talking or seeing anyone I've had it confirmed and on social media my sister still has her and she hasn't even followed any other guys or liked people's pictures, at the same time she has been out twice since we split up, once with a girl she never liked and actually told me the girl talks rubbish, and then the other night with her flatmate, she hasn't got with any other guys but it is not like her at all to get drunk as well as this I never received a drunken text, now I know the first time she did this her flatmate told her off so it could be a similar case and she was stopped from doing it, but I can't help thinking if she's not thinking about me when she's drunk & not texting me back through NC has she moved on & doesn't care to speak to me, really strange considering she insisted on still being bestfriends and that she wants me in her life no matter what it is!

I really want closure and her to say actually I don't want to talk to you again, because we have spoken like normal since we split up until I went NC because I wasn't getting anywhere and didn't want to get friendzoned & I heard that I might be being used as an emotional support and being too accessible(cousins words) I don't want to look like a pussy basically by doing everything on her terms but at the same time I can't wait a month & see her move on & think I didn't do enough. She hasn't had chance to miss me because I've been there just starting to think she doesn't actually care & considering we've been through so much that hurts the most, so frustrating because I loved speaking to her everyday we were so cute and I always made her laugh, I just don't understand how she can't want me but still be attracted and laugh like everything's normal?? NC is so hard but I'm fighting the urge

[ExpatInItaly]

No, going No Contact is not about her. It is about you. You're not pushing her away by not contacting her. Instead, you are respecting her wishes to end the relationship.

 

She broke up with you. When I have broken up with guys, it was because I didn't feel the same way anymore. It was not because I wanted them to chase me. If that's her mindset, she is a ridiculously immature drama queen who won't add anything positive to your life anyway.

 

Your cousin is right. She comes back to you because break-ups aren't easy on anyone, but knowing you still want her does ease her lonely moments. I guarantee you she already lost respect you for you when you did that. So stop doing that.

 

Also, you really need to stop obsessing over who she's going out with, who she's following, who's talking to (or not) You're driving yourself crazy looking for signs she is thinking about you (or not)

 

The truth is that when a dumper ends the relationship, they've usually already detached. They were preparing for it. This is why she's not crying into her Cheerios. She's done her grieving. That doesn't mean she doesn't think of you, but it's not the same you think of her. Not right now, anyway.

 

We can't overlook the fact that she is young. Young people like to go off and have fun, and for many, that means not having a commitment to someone else. This doesn't necessarily mean you two are done forever, but she is has been clear that now isn't her time for a commitment.

 

Show her you can man up and respect her enough to give her the freedom she desires.

[WELLINGTON14]

Hi thanks for you're reply basically after a 5 hour conversation in which she agreed to date & go for coffee etc, we acted like nothing had changed I text her saying hope you're well & she rung me straight away, we fell asleep on the phone and it felt like we was back on a positive track!

Boom how stupid could I have been she text me this morning 'Thanks, hope you have a good day too! I just want to reiterate that were only friends I don't want you to think we're something else and then get hurt but I do care about you so much! And wanna stay close, see ya soon x

I didn't reply... She then followed up with

'I don't expect for you to reply to me but I am sorry I don't want to put you through this but there's no other way I finally feel like I don't have to answer to anyone I can just be alone. We did have an amazing time together and I'm never going to forget you I'm always here for you even if you don't wanna be my friend I'm going to be yours though. I feel like if you loved me you'd let me go and be happy for me that I'm finally feeling happier. It's not the easiest situation for me because obviously I don't want to hurt you but I've got to do what's best for me. I'm sorry'

Obviously I didn't reply and I think it's time to accept we probably won't speak again it's a shame I would like to have her in my life, but I can't lie everytime I speak or see her all emotions come running back, As the saying goes you can't be friends with someone you love, unfortunately she said she wants to be alone & said she doesn't want a relationship for at least a year because she's always been in relationships she wants to be single, I can't really argue just a shame I won't be the guy she ends up settling with, I can't be friends and hang on to her thinking in a year I may have a shot hell no!

I do respect her wishes and decision just shocked that she wanted to settle down and be with me that she's gone full circle & doesn't want to be a part of my life romantically, heartbroken to say the least & I don't think I could ever talk to a girl for a long while, the connection I have with my ex I doubt I'll find someone as easygoing, she even said on the phone last night I don't even have to talk because knowing you're presence is there makes me happy, it hurts because I feel exactly the same a natural bond I didn't have to change to be around her, but she's changed to not be around me.

Hey the irony thanks to everyone that posted in this thread & I really feel like you have helped me with you're own experiences!!

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry you're hurting, OP.

 

I know sometimes we get our hopes us that everything will go back to the way it was, only to hear directly from the horse's mouth that it won't. It's very hard, but perhaps you needed to hear it from her, in no uncertain terms, that she doesn't want a relationship.

 

Girls at her age usually are not ready to settle down, though they might fantasize about it. I was guilty of that myself around her age too. It's fun to dream about the future but it's so important not to put a lot stock into those words, because it so very rarely turns out that way - at that stage in life, anyway.

 

It seems impossible now, but you will someday meet a girl even better than her. Take this time to recover and take care of yourself, and please go No Contact now.

[WELLINGTON14]

Okay so quick update on my situation, i decided obviously it was best to go no contact after everything that happened, even though i felt like i should have proven i wanted her and to show her how much she meant to me which she previously doubted.

She has continued going out and acting really happy, i do not have her on social media but people have told me she is posting regularly but still hasn't followed, spoken or is seeing anyone else for definite, obviously as i am set to move on this information was useless really but still a comfort because it would obviously hurt if she didn't stick to her word and had been seeing people after saying she doesn't want a relationship for a year at least.

Anyway i get a text saying how are you? the usual check up to see if im still interested, i didn't text back but within an hour a private number called & it was her i can't lie it made me smile but then i realised why are you doing this saying basically were not getting back together and when i accept it you decide to try and take me back to step one, i kept the conversation light as she means a lot so i didn't want to blow her off and act like a d*ck!

She asked if we could go for a coffee and a look around our local shopping centre on tuesday sometime in the afternoon, i said i may have work but ill let you know and we are due a catch up and left it at that!

This is where i am confused because i know when were together theres a connection that is ridiculous like she still looks at me the same & the sexual tension is unbearable but at the same time she can't have her cake and eat it and basically friend zone, FWB me because she will be happy whereas i have to cope with the consequences. This tuesday will be the day i am supposed to see her & she has sent a follow up without me mentioning anything, after the phone call i messaged and just said im here if you need anything have a good weekend, she replied thanks girly(pet name ino stupid haha) see you tuesday x

I really need help feel like i could be getting strung along after everything that she said about not wanting a relationship & i really dont see the benefit of me going as a friend, because i am acting on hope again that she might see me, enjoy it and may have a change of heart, this is ridiculous to think when i am so hurt by her lack of care throughout everything.

In two minds whether to not reply to the text and not show up and continue NC or go and meet her and see how it goes before i make a final decision, just frustrating because i can't let go but i was trying and now thats given me false hope even though i know its not that deep.

Just want my girlfriend back and the person i was with 2 years would never be okay without hearing from me for 10 minutes never mind 10 days, i really dont want to get over her but i feel like im wasting my time on a lost cause, so i have to let her go unwillingly because every little signal takes me back to square one and depressed knowing someone thats helped me through these past years has given up on me & its hard when you never thought they would!!

[WELLINGTON14]

Hi guys would really appreciate a response feeling kinda ****ty, have noone to talk to about this!!

[SimonMas]

Let me chip in. There are many reasons why your gf is acting the way she did:

 

1. She is feeling guilty and trying hard not to be seen as the "bad person"

 

2. She wants to keep you as a back-up plan in case her future plan doesn't work out

 

If I were you, I would go out with her on Tuesday so as not to feed her any ammo that you stood up on her. After that, you need to detach and move on. Tell her why you have to do that. Say back to her the same thing "if you love me, you would let me go and find someone who truly loves me. Thank you for all the good memories and I wish you well". To make it more dramatic, give her a stalk of rose or something and walk away. Don't look back, move on.

 

Good luck!

[WELLINGTON14]

Thanks Simon for your response makes complete sense not to give her an easy out & to think negatively of me, she asked me what time we could meet as she was getting her nails done, I said anytime after 1pm but if you're busy I understand if you can't make it(testing to see if she was trying to back out) she replied straight away saying 3ish would be better and I text back saying I'll pick you up at 3 on Tuesday then!x

That was 6pm last night I have heard nothing from her since & tbh I just can't be arsed with it anymore feel like I'm a burden now, I've been nothing but calm and respectful giving someone time & space, not texting etc or bringing up our relationship & basically relieving pressure on anything I say or talk about, she said she still cares and wants to stay close, but I've reached my limit with all the BS , she always replied however busy she was and always instantly now she takes hours/days to respond & I never send follow up messages to anyone because it's beggy so I'm not about to start, really starting to see her true colours a month & a half on & if she genuinely wanted to stay friends like she pleaded for, I wouldn't treat my worst enemy like this!

If I don't hear anything I will just assume she backed out of the meet up without the common decency to give a reason & for me that will be the last time I ever speak, initiate contact or acknowledge her existence & she better not dare approach me like everything's good when I'm out this weekend.

Sorry for the rant and thanks for all the advice but think this whole experience has proved that maybe I care too much about people that couldn't give a damn if you died tomorrow & I don't need that in my life especially when I'm a good outgoing person that never has hurt anyone like this & never will because it's just wrong, I'm actually glad she has probably decided not to see me because I'm so angry id say something I'd regret & im not that guy.

31st August 2016 new life began not too sound dramatic, 3 years today since we first started seeing each other & im nothing to her now but that's her decision, thanks for the help wish you all well!!x

[ExpatInItaly]

To be honest and play the devil's advocate for a moment, I don't think your last text to her really required a response. You two set the time and date - what more did you hope she would say?

 

This is why trying to stay friends isn't going to work. She's not going to keep a conversation going like she would have previously. You won't hear from her as much. The dynamic has shifted and as your ex, this is what the playing field looks like now.

 

For your own sake, I would let her know that meeting up isn't a good idea and that you aren't ready. It's too soon.You can see she doesn't have deeper intentions than maintaining a friendly vibe at this point. If she gets upset, that's not your problem. You need to start doing what's best for you.

[WELLINGTON14]

Exactly expat i thought i was ready, i finally started to disengage and not think about things as much, i took my cousins advice to think the worst about her speaking to loads of boys and sleeping with them & then nothing else can hurt if you think of her in the worst light & id started to accept that she was never coming back.

I thought when she insisted on meeting that i was ready but i feel like I've bitten at the first bit of bait i've been thrown & im stressed because i know im not ready & dont know how to get out of the situation.

Feel like she will say same old you backing out of plans making excuses and not trying, but on the other hand i shouldn't feel guilty and she might respect me more for saying look im not ready to be friends yet, i have a modelling shoot tomorrow and won't be home till 8 so id be way past the given time anyway but i accepted because life goes on and my career is my main focus now and priority & i also feel like i can't be guilty for choosing work over her now and if i was ready to see her i dont think rearranging for a night meet up is the best idea, we all know what happens after a few cocktails at night lol but yeah just stressing because i'm nowhere near ready emotions all over the place not calm enough to sit down and act like i dont love this girl anymore & that im happy she's not in my arms because all i do is think about her when i was just starting to detach!!

[ExpatInItaly]

No, you're definitely not ready. And that's totally okay and expected.

 

Just tell her "After doing some thinking. I realize I'm not yet ready to meet as friends. I know you can appreciate my reasons for this"

 

You don't need to feel guilty. She broke up with you.

 

If she tries to guilt you by saying something like "oh, same old you!" - don't respond. That's her playing games and it's not fair. You don't need to justify your decision to her.