Is he moving on.. [lengthy]

[beesting]

We started off as friends with benefits, then somehow turned into something more, I know he hasn't been in other long-term relationships and he said he's not into those stuff since someone always ends up hurt. And he's clearly into the policy that friends are more important. We were fighting a lot about how he doesn't want to spend quality time with me, but prefer us going to some of his friends, which I deeply dislike because of their immense inertia. They are all older than me and not doing anything with their lives, due to the fact that their parents are rich and buy them apartments. He is somewhat the same. I wanted to encourage him to work on himself, but it never really worked out.

 

The night before my last birthday he was out and called me up to say hey, I am going to my friend's place. I got pissed off because after all, I wanted to greet my birthday with him, not alone in my house since I am an introvert and I have stopped going to that place as it is killing me with the pointlessness of it. He came home around 10 pm, and I have already been crying for 3 hours. Those episodes of him choosing his friends over me were really bad, as I would come out as needy. He would regularly say that my happiness shouldn't depend on him. While it doesn't I do choose to do things together rather than not, because I loved the time spent with him, however he would never go the extra mile - comes to movies me, as he hates the cinema. So I ended up crying til my birthday, didn't want to talk to him. Next day he went out to the office and was late, and came back with a bag of gifts, pretending nothing happened and I blurted out "I said no gifts" He got mad, and said it was really disrespectful. He said that it's from this moment that he started losing feelings for me. I was wrong, but that was provoked by his behavior before that. So this happened September last year. He broke up with me in December first, and since we were living together, he said we will give the notice and he can help out with the rent. I started looking for places and found a friend who can help me out. So he decided to give it another shot as we were still sleeping in the same bed.

 

In April he got a surgery, went to his parents, because our place is really not that comfy (we were fighting about that as well, he's working from home, and I kept nagging him that it's really bad and it's extremely far from my work and we should move out, we lived there for year and a half, I'm still there, but he never put the effort to make my commuting situation easier) I visited him everyday for walks, brought him stuff for entertainment, skyped with him every night to watch movies together. When he started getting better, suddenly there were two days of him not writing me, that has never happened. Then he just went to his friends. I was pissed as suddenly I am not that important enough to even drop me a line anymore, and I was there for him throughout the whole month, when nobody was. He mentioned that he's wondering whether we should live together or not. His place is really nice, and he's been helping me out a lot, since my parents are not in the country and I was unemployed after graduating university for six months. Whenever I'd say I was feeling unimportant compared to his friends, he'd say we wouldn't be living together then, he could go to his parents. But still, preferring the nice life so easily, and selfishly.

 

So we broke up via viber, he wanted to do it in person, but I didn't want to wait for so long just to hear that. Next days I was devastated and wanted him to come over to give me solace, since he at least owed me that and wanted him to say proper goodbye. He said that's not possible and I am just prolonging the process. He came three days after. After a week of minimal contact, I went NC. He texted several times stuff like he's going to take his stuff while I am at work, and I would come back to the apartment. Three weeks in, I broke NC to say I need my health book that is at his place. He asked if everything's ok, I said it's urgent and that's all. The Friday the same week, I went out, and my friend stated clearly several times that he's not going to a house party since he has arrangements with me so that it could reach him, then my friend called my ex to ask for directions to the bar, as all the addresses we got were wrong. I was finally having fun being out and my ex showed up at 2 am. I was stunned and sobered up completely. We didn't say anything to each other except cheers. But he stayed until 6 am even when the guy he came with left at 3. So I was walking around the bar, writing on messenger to my friends for an hour to avoid him. He left with us at 6 and my head was back to day one after the break up. The same day I went to check my health and was advised to go through a surgery.

 

I wrote and asked him in my panic whether he needed his health book when he got his done, and he answered. He was concerned what was going on and what happened and is it serious. I said I don't know yet, needs to go through more tests. I went to a lot of bureaucracy and was consulting with him for that, but I also said we are better off as not being friends, because he's to selfish not to leave when he sees me. NC helped me to realise that he's extremely selfish and very much sees his friends as most important, even though I know for a fact that they have not done anything for him in time of hardship, unemployment, surgery, etc. In fact, the only person who helped him with a job was a friend of mine who got him a role in a movie that is really well paid. He does help me a lot, in terms he still helps me out with the rent, even though I insist he should not, and he came to visit me in the hospital and helped me through out the recovery, buying me grocery, contacting his doctors, helping with changing bandage.

 

The last days of my sick leave I was feeling pretty miserable as my friends were leaving for the seaside and I felt very alone as I had been unable to go out and move for the past 10 days, he came by to drop some meds and hurried out like a flash and I was extremely upset by that as I was alone and sick and he could have stayed there to chat with me, but was in a hurry - late for an arrangement with his friends. I am his friend as well, am I not, he said that. Confronted him about that. Next day he didn't come to visit me and said maybe Sunday. Turns out he was with a friend the whole day drinking wine as I repeatedly mentioned that I am depressed and lonely. Today(Sunday) we got a dinner with a common friends a couple to celebrate that I don't have cancer and he told me that. I got upset for being not on his priority list when I'm in need. Friends should be there for each other when in need, not when they decide that it's needed. He said he thinks when I needed him the most, he was there. When he was in the same situation I was there for him every single day and night. I could have went out, but I was there. I have no idea what is going on, does he have feelings for me not, should I go into NC again, should I fight for him, even though he's a selfish person, but he's also the person who has been best to me, just not in the gestures departments that I needed. I apologise for the extremely long post, but this has been going on for two months and I have been reading loveshack a lot, meditating, doing my own thing, exploring new areas, I even got on Tinder, but it seems I can't still shake him off or my feelings. It seems pretty pointless if he doesn't have any to hurt myself like that. Most of my exes are my best friends as we grew together in terms of hobbies and ideologies. This one we just don't share anything except for series and poker, which is not that little but not that much either. I am so lost, people.

[beesting]

In my first and only thread I described our unbalanced relationship - me - the warm one to him, but cold to other people, and him - cold to me, but warm to other person. In the end he even said that we were even more of roommates than partners, and the spark has gone, although we are so connected on so many levels, he just doesn't feel the same anymore. When I initiated NC, I told him not to take it the wrong way. He said he has no problems talking to me, but if I don't want to.. I said I want to stop caring, and he said I shouldn't, just not in the same way. I wanted to say that whatever he is feeling is just the comfort zone, that the spark goes away, but the care and the intimacy is what love becomes.. But there was no poitn

 

So immediately after that he sent me some stuff, stopped altogether, didn't call me for the bills, just wrote a few msgs that he will take his stuff back and then posted an instagram photo with a tag: Your life sucks when your girlfriend doesn't. I never replied or reacted.

 

3 weeks in I broke NC for my health issues and has bee in contact ever since. He has been hot and cold at the same time. He told me he's been working out, which I wanted him to do so badly ever since he started gaining weight. Also he has started going out like a crazy person to bars even though he has said many times he doesn't enjoy them whenever I suggested to do sth fun. Seems like whatever I wanted, it was not possible.

 

So Friday we were skyping like we usually while at work, being funny and all. I was planning on going out with one of my friends from the day before that. He told me my ex is planning to come - which he has found out not from my friend but probably from the other two people in the group one of whom is a girl he was hitting on quite soon after our first breakup in December. (We got back, and he was always around her for cigarettes, and then sharing one with her as well, when I confronted, he laughed and said that's silly, he was quite drunk at the moment, so I don't know). I felt quite insecure, because she is social, while I'm not, have breasts, is warm with people.

 

The party started with a pre-drinking at my friend's place. We decided to leave with the subway and not with cabs. He decided to go with a cab. We arrive at the venue and I found out the girl was there before that. (Could he know and that's why he decided to hurry) Didn't see him, but was feeling weird in my stomach and vibered him what happened to him. It became seen and he came out.

 

Through out the night, he was dancing in a humorous way with everybody and also with the girls, who actually were always around him. I became sad and paranoid that I'll see him hook up with somebody, and we didn't use to do these things when we were together. But i was having fun as well, dancing with the guys, even though all of them are couples, but doesn't matter. He was talking to them in a funny and entertaining manner. We would get glances of each other, me looking for him and vice versa.

 

We moved to another venue and when the chick left, he asked: leaving? she gave him a hug, as well as everyone, including me. She's a sweet girl, really, we hung out back in university. Then we stayed alone, and his vulgar side came out, not being funny and light humoured - he asked am I hitting on chicks(sarcastically) I said why, am I supposed to compete with him? I also said, hey a guy with a new girlfriend and he was extremely annoyed by that and made some puffing sound. Asked me what the f am I doing there, so soon after the surgery, I should be home resting and to get myself a cab and go home. He said fine, not gonna give me any more advice, just saying. When I left, I hugged my friend, waved to him. And he waved back with annoyance and finally gave me a handshake.

 

I was so sad. Not even a hug like the other people who haven't done anything for him but just dancing against his body. I got insecure because maybe he doesn't even see me as a girl, as he doesn't sweet talk me in this manner, except in the beginning. And to be treated so coldly in public but so warm in person is plain confusing. Is he gonna sleep with this girl, what is gonna happen. I don't know and I just feel the pain again even though I started getting better.

[BC1980]

He started moving on when he broke up with you. What kind of surgery would necessitate breaking NC? The point of breaking up is that you are no longer in the other person's life. You can't run to him every time you have a problem or get sick. You have to find an alternative.

[beesting]

I still have a lot of stuff at his parents house where he is right now - documentations, clothes, so I needed the paperwork, I still want m key back. But he doesn't want to give it back, as if anythng happens he can help. I needed my records back

[LD1990]

I still have a lot of stuff at his parents house where he is right now - documentations, clothes, so I needed the paperwork, I still want m key back. But he doesn't want to give it back, as if anythng happens he can help. I needed my records back

 

Excuses, excuses. Set up a time to pick EVERYTHING up. If he doesn't want to, set it up with his parents, since it's their house. He has no right to keep your stuff, and the longer you let him, the longer you get to stay on the ex-boyfriend merry go round.

 

As far as the key goes, just change your locks.

 

You're wasting time on this guy.

[BC1980]

I still have a lot of stuff at his parents house where he is right now - documentations, clothes, so I needed the paperwork, I still want m key back. But he doesn't want to give it back, as if anythng happens he can help. I needed my records back

 

So why didn't you get what you needed and go back to NC? Why would having surgery require anymore contact than simply picking up your stuff? You put yourself in your current position because you continued to hang out with him. He's made it clear he is moving on, so it would be best that you go NC unless you want to watch him move on. I think that would be pretty tortuous for most people. It's no wonder you feel the way you do because you watched him with another woman.

[Satu]

*snip

*I even got on Tinder, but it seems I can't still shake him off or my feelings. It seems pretty pointless if he doesn't have any to hurt myself like that. Most of my exes are my best friends as we grew together in terms of hobbies and ideologies. This one we just don't share anything except for series and poker, which is not that little but not that much either. *I am so lost, people.

 

*You are not ready to date again; let alone sleep with someone.

 

Nowhere near.

 

Spend some time alone. Not coupled. Not dating.

 

When you are feeling happy, empowered, and confident in yourself, you will be ready for your next relationship.

 

Only then; but it will be much better than what you've just lost.

 

 

Take care.

[beesting]

Thank you guys a lot, really, it's hard not to let these things out when they are constantly on my mind. It really seems as an excuse. I am alone in the country and my friends were out of town, after the surgery I could barely move. I've been asking him to give back mine several times and to take his stuff back and stop helping me with the rent, even though it would really be financially hard for me. He says I have too much trouble as it is, the contract is on his name, and he meets the landlord for the bills and rent, I have asked for the number, but he's not giving as I look to innocent and the landlord might exploit me. Stupidly, I still have feelings for him, and don't want to believe that he doesn't as it doesn't look that way half of the time. Today I tried to check his facebook, and it might have appeared on his email or something. I sent him 3 messages asking why he was so rude to me the other night, just went seen and that's it. I am going back to NC tomorrow. I know I still have to see him on the 5th august for the rent, and then on the 20th for the bills...

[BC1980]

Thank you guys a lot, really, it's hard not to let these things out when they are constantly on my mind. It really seems as an excuse. I am alone in the country and my friends were out of town, after the surgery I could barely move. I've been asking him to give back mine several times and to take his stuff back and stop helping me with the rent, even though it would really be financially hard for me. He says I have too much trouble as it is, the contract is on his name, and he meets the landlord for the bills and rent, I have asked for the number, but he's not giving as I look to innocent and the landlord might exploit me. Stupidly, I still have feelings for him, and don't want to believe that he doesn't as it doesn't look that way half of the time. Today I tried to check his facebook, and it might have appeared on his email or something. I sent him 3 messages asking why he was so rude to me the other night, just went seen and that's it. I am going back to NC tomorrow. I know I still have to see him on the 5th august for the rent, and then on the 20th for the bills...

 

So he's financially helping you out? That rough. Is there a way to make it without him?

[Zahara]

Thank you guys a lot, really, it's hard not to let these things out when they are constantly on my mind. It really seems as an excuse. I am alone in the country and my friends were out of town, after the surgery I could barely move. I've been asking him to give back mine several times and to take his stuff back and stop helping me with the rent, even though it would really be financially hard for me. He says I have too much trouble as it is, the contract is on his name, and he meets the landlord for the bills and rent, I have asked for the number, but he's not giving as I look to innocent and the landlord might exploit me. Stupidly, I still have feelings for him, and don't want to believe that he doesn't as it doesn't look that way half of the time. Today I tried to check his facebook, and it might have appeared on his email or something. I sent him 3 messages asking why he was so rude to me the other night, just went seen and that's it. I am going back to NC tomorrow. I know I still have to see him on the 5th august for the rent, and then on the 20th for the bills...

 

The lease is under his name. Why and can you find a place of your own or even go to the friend who initially offered to help you in terms of accommodation when you first broke up? I sense a lot of dependency on your part on this guy -- emotionally and financially.

 

As for your things, call his parents -- make an appointment with them as to when you will pick up your things. As for his stuff -- pack it all up and have a friend deliver it to his house. I think you're making excuses to justify staying in the position that you are in because it allows you access to him. And it's because you don't want to let go.

[beesting]

I am looking for places constantly, with people that I don't know. As an introvert, this is quite the hassle. I cannot afford a place on my own which is what I would like. Most people are looking for roommates starting immediately, and I need a place before the one month notice period. I don't have his parents' number or contacts. My other friend is living even further away from where I am working. I currently commute for about 45 minutes per direction and he is living 1h 30 min away from work. I sometimes wish I wasn't so clingy and dependent and found a better paying job, and didn't stay in the country.. I know I felt like a burden and was often unappreciative of what he did for me, but at the same time I was always considerate of what I could do for him. His stuff are packed, he came by several times and said he cannot take them now.

[Zahara]

I am looking for places constantly, with people that I don't know. As an introvert, this is quite the hassle. I cannot afford a place on my own which is what I would like. Most people are looking for roommates starting immediately, and I need a place before the one month notice period. I don't have his parents' number or contacts. My other friend is living even further away from where I am working. I currently commute for about 45 minutes per direction and he is living 1h 30 min away from work. I sometimes wish I wasn't so clingy and dependent and found a better paying job, and didn't stay in the country.. I know I felt like a burden and was often unappreciative of what he did for me, but at the same time I was always considerate of what I could do for him. His stuff are packed, he came by several times and said he cannot take them now.

 

Why do you need to give him a months notice if he's paying the rent and he's on the lease?

 

Do you have his parents address? If you do, plan a weekend with your friend to drive to his parents to drop off his things and get yours. Make an attempt.

 

Maybe it's time for you to think about going home to your parents. You being considerate doing things for him is very different from being so emotionally and financially dependent on someone. Dependence after awhile becomes a heavy load to carry when you constantly have to be their support. You should go home and start fresh with the help of your family as well as creating space so that you can heal and move on from this break-up. Cultivate independence and slowly learn to step out on your own. This situation is only going to keep you continuing to be dependent on him.

Edited July 25, 2016 by Zahara

[Zahara]

If he came to you tomorrow and said that he's met someone and he wants to move back in with her -- what would you? In that time of urgency, you'd likely find a plan. Implement that same sense of urgency in your current situation. This living arrangement isn't going to stay this way forever. At some point, when he's done relieving his guilt, he's going to change things around.

[beesting]

My parents are even poorer than I am and they are 2000 miles away. I know I will make a good life for me, I just always compare myself with the more fortunate that have rich parents, and have a trampoline to jump when they fall. I love my job and my work environment, I just have to work harder for a year to get really stable on my feet. He agreed to stop helping me after this month and give of all my stuff before 12 august. The way with renting is not the same as US, even though the name of the contract is on his name, he will not come here to live as it's my place. As much is sure. I can make it on my own, in the past year I got a raise twice, so in the past 3 months with the shared dividents I started sparing half of my salary aside. The rent used to be 1/6 of my salary, but now with paying all the utilities and rents by myself it would be around 2/5 of it. So I am saving from skipping meals, not buying anything for myself to at least save some from the salary after food and medical expenses. I wondered if he could see me grown up and independent he would feel the same. That's how I was when we first met and felt attracted to each other, I worked 80 hours per week to pay my tuition, and got a lot saved. Then I didn't work one summer because I needed to do an intership for my major. My parents have no money whatsoever, so I completely stopped going out and meeting with friends as that would mean money. Became bitter and self-pitying and has been going for the past two years. He was a lot of my help, at first all my help, and when I started getting on my feet, and his surgery wound got well, he decided it's time to cherish that sweet freedom. I just somehow feel that in our best versions of each other we were meant to be but we are not there yet.. Thank you guys for the honesty. It's much easier to listen to advices from strangers