accident_prone Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 i have been with my girlfriend for a little over a year and overall it has been pretty great. that is up until a month or so ago. she's been super depressed and was diagnosed as such, with the possible potential of having borderline personality disorder. she has always had anxiety but it has never been this bad. the past month or so she has dropped off pretty hard in her moods and its very difficult to see and to try to work around. when we started dating she had her stuff pretty together, or seemed to anyway. she struggled like many 20-somethings, but things were mostly good. but over the past several months she has had to move twice due to roommate issues. she has also been pretty taken advantage of at work and there's no stability or consistency in her life lately and it has clearly taken a toll. we only see each other about twice a week and things between us have gotten a bit stale feeling, but not for lack of trying, and for the most part everything is different. we dont do much anymore cause she rarely feels up to it and she mostly just wants to lay around. i know this is a common effect of depression, so while i do understand it somewhat, it doesn't make it any less difficult. yesterday she was talking and it kinda came up that she has been feeling super bad lately because she thinks shes been letting me down constantly (which she hasnt, as i still really enjoy her company when things are good) and she mentioned not feeling like she is able to make the effort necessary to maintain a relationship and keep us both happy. we're supposed to meet up tomorrow night somewhere and talk about "whats best" for us but ultimately i am preparing myself for the worst case scenario. i want whats best for both of us, but i'm afraid that will mean taking a prolonged "break" or splitting up. anyone have similar experience or advice? thanks in advance!
grays Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 Oh gosh. I really feel for you! Four months after my first kiss w my ex he had a horrible breakdown. It lasted about 13 years and then he clammed up and stopped talking about it. We were married for 25. I loved him like crazy. But the stress of his mental illness invaded everything and just made the most normal mundane things horribly difficult. There is a piece of me that wishes that I had run screaming when I realized, but even now I do still think if you love someone you need to be there for them. If you do stay with her and it turns into a long term serious thing, please remember that you have a right to insist on what you need even if that means butting into treatment decisions. I was always much too accepting of his decisions even when I thought they were dead wrong. 1
inigele14u Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 Dude, honestly I just think a break might help. She needs time to get her self together emotionally.
Downtown Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 She's been super depressed and was diagnosed as such, with the possible potential of having borderline personality disorder. AP, the behaviors you describe here and in your other threads include few, if any, warning signs for BPD. Indeed, you have not yet described strong traits of any type of emotional instability. On the contrary, you are describing a woman who behaved "pretty great" for a full year and then suddenly exhibited depression over the past "month or so." You therefore are not painting a picture of an emotionally unstable person. This is not to say, however, that your GF cannot be unstable. Rather, I'm only saying that you are not describing unstable behavior in your threads. One possibility is that your GF is not exhibiting unstable behavior but, rather, is simply exhibiting temporary depression in response to a recent stressful situation. Another possibility is that she actually is unstable -- as her doctor speculated -- and the problem is only now starting to show itself. Hence, in case you want to keep an eye out for warning signs of instability, I note that the two most common causes of instability are strong hormone changes (e.g., puberty, PMS, pregnancy, postpartum, and perimenopause) and drug abuse. If those two causes can be ruled out, the remaining two common causes are BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and BP (bipolar disorder). Anyone have similar experience or advice?I've had 15 years' experience with a BPDer (my exW) and double that with a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son). If you're interested, I describe the differences I've seen between these two types of unstable behavior in my post at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. And I describe typical BPDer behavior in greater detail in my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If those descriptions ring many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, AP. 2
smackie9 Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 (edited) I grew up in that environment, it was horrible and it emotionally wrecked me for years. But back then no one ever knew about "mental illness" or the phrase "Depression". I say knowledge is power. You are lucky you have all the info you need on the internet. Do your research and understand the illness. Next, you need to encourage her to get treatment or better treatment if her condition isn't improving. Communication is key. You need to speak with her family about your concerns and get them on board to help her. You also need to communicate with her how you feel, what you see, and then discuss these issues with her, and with the doctor who is treating her. She has this illness for life. She need to know she is accountable for maintaining her illness with regular counseling and having her medication changed when needed. You sir have an uphill battle. One last thing watch out for addiction. People who suffer from depression will self medicate with drugs, alcohol, gambling, shopping etc. Edited July 24, 2016 by smackie9
smackie9 Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 BTW I don't believe her roommates were the issue, and I doubt she is being taken advantage of at work. That is what people who suffer from depression do. They have troubles coping with everyday life and have delusions of the world being against them. 1
preraph Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 The one thing you need to do is be SURE she's still seeing her psychiatrist or psychologist and still taking her meds. Depression disables a person. She simply doesn't probably have the energy to keep you going right now. But you need to make sure she's not given up on treatment. Call her parents if you have to, whoever has the most influence over her and be sure she's still actively getting treatment. 80% of those medicated for psychological reasons will stop taking their meds or stop taking them as prescribed. It's part of the disease. So just be aware she may be sabotaging herself.
Author accident_prone Posted July 24, 2016 Author Posted July 24, 2016 thank you all for your replies. she is definitely taking medication and seeing a therapist when she can afford it, which is probably every other week. i guess my main question and issue is: what should I do? just give her all the space she wants but keep communication up or just let her go for a while? are there really any other options?
smackie9 Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 thank you all for your replies. she is definitely taking medication and seeing a therapist when she can afford it, which is probably every other week. i guess my main question and issue is: what should I do? just give her all the space she wants but keep communication up or just let her go for a while? are there really any other options? Don't ask us what you should do, ask her what would be best for her. Have that conversation about how this is affecting you, and how she should seek more financial help from her family. Maybe she needs to go back home or live with a sibling, an Aunt and use the money she would use for rent for therapy. Then later she can find a job that has a medical plan to help her out. If she has low income or is unable to work, social services should be able to help her cover the costs of treatment. She may even be able to locate a self help group, which are free. These groups are run by volunteers that have therapy training, and can hook her up with resources that might be useful to her. There is free help out there, she just has to talk to the right people. 3
biker23 Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 So sorry to read this. I've been going thru something a bit similar. But without any formal diagnosis. My as of now ex has had some large setbacks in her life causing major stress and anxiety. She ended up pulling away unexpectedly which was hurtful. We have now talked and we are in a better place but agree to be friends for now but both know we most likely want more. But she's not ready. We agreed it's not fair for me to not be able to date but it also doesn't feel right. Especially anything beyond an innocent date. Therefore it's a tough place but she has to have the time. I say his because your gf may need this same time. But talk to her and maybe her therapist about it. Unsure if your support is best or if removing your relationship from her life right now is best. Wish I had the answers 1
preraph Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 thank you all for your replies. she is definitely taking medication and seeing a therapist when she can afford it, which is probably every other week. i guess my main question and issue is: what should I do? just give her all the space she wants but keep communication up or just let her go for a while? are there really any other options? You might ask her how she'd feel about you coming to her next session and then get some answers from both her and her doctor. She may be able to be more honest with her therapist there and he/she might offer some insight. I guess she wasn't acting depressed when you met her, so there's no reason to think this will never end, although it may recur, but her therapist will know that.
Author accident_prone Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 well we just broke up a couple hours ago. we got together and talked. we both knew it was probably going to happen and we knew that we should talk in person so we sucked it up and went. sure, i know its probably for the best given the circumstances but i feel sick because i feel like this definitely is worse than many other reasons for a break up because of the fact that neither one did anything "wrong." there is no tangible thing to blame and/or fix. feeling pretty rough right now.
mortensorchid Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 I'm sorry to hear this. YOu have already broken it off with her, but I was about to say a few things about this situation: 1) Her - She sounds like she is in a serious situation with her mental health. Mental illness exists, it can take many forms. And she needs to get professional help about it. THere are only so many things you can do for yourself without some professional help, and you have to get over shame that you may or may not feel about it, and I recommend medications. That's another thread about the stigma of mental illness, but there are people out there who have serious depression / anger issues and they are not addressing them correctly. 2) You - When you are with someone who is suffering from depression or anger or whatever it is, it's going to hurt you just as badly. You may want to be supportive, but you also realize you have to think of yourself as well. 3) Sabotage - Is she purposely sabotaging the relationship? I was with someone many years ago who was very seriously clinically depressed, and he did anything and everything possible to make ME break up with him because he lacked the balls to do it himself. Cowardice is after all, safer isn't it? He broke it off via email and had the gall to say he prayed (he was a religious man) for an answer and that God wanted us to be friends. I told him where to go with that nonsense. It sounds 100% self centered, but there are times you have to think of yourself. And if that person is not giving you what you want as a give and take situation, it must end. 1
Author accident_prone Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 thanks for your reply/advice. things have been gradually declining between us for a few weeks now and it just didn't feel right. we never talked about "space" or a break or anything else until just two nights ago where we said we'd meet and talk tonight. needless to say, we talked. she genuinely seemed remorseful and sad about what we felt we had to do. ultimately i'll be fine. i just hope she takes this time to truly work on herself while continuing to receive help. i want to be there for her should she need it but i also dont want to inadvertently hold on to some glimmer of potentially false hope that this is temporary and we can get back to what we had. in order to heal myself and start to move past this, i obviously will not be in any form of contact, save for weds when she has to come and get some stuff from my house. we already were only seeing each other twice a week max (which was hit and miss in terms of quality time) as is so i really think just not talking anymore will be one of the toughest parts. especially knowing what she is going through, as i am one of the few people she is close to :/
smackie9 Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 So sorry for your loss. You are feeling gutted and empty, but in about a few weeks things will feel lighter and happier, and you both will be able to think clearer. Just believe in your heart she will be fine, and it's ok to move on. Once you both have had some space to heal, you can talk again. Nothing wrong with developing a friendship.
Author accident_prone Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 yes, gutted is exactly how i feel. that is the perfect word. i know it just takes time. it is just hard to not be angry that a recently great thing is now over due to this unseen force that neither party expected or actively caused.
fromheart Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 Yes, I have been in a similar situation. The absolute best thing to do would be to part ways, unless she can effectively deal with what she's going through. If not, there is no chance of her being in a successful relationship. Once she finds a method to get herself healthy, she'll be fine.
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