lovi Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 My boyfriend has been going through a really rough time (detailed below). He has pulled away so much that I don't know what my role is anymore or how to be supportive. I guess my question is, how do I step back while he sorts things out without feeling lonely and ignored? I really do feel for him, so I feel selfish that I get upset, for example, when he ignores my text, forgets to communicate, stands me up, things like that. He has apologized for having neglected me lately, but he doesn't know that it's really affecting me. He's going through a lot, so I'm not putting a lot of expectations on him and feels wrong to have a deeper conversation. When your partner is going through something really bad, do all your needs take a back seat? Is that how it works? I just don't want to make the mistake of confusing being patient and supportive with, for the lack of a better term, making excuses. Where do I draw the line? Is there one? I don't want to be another stressor in his life, but I don't want to be stepped on either. And I also don't know what he needs right now. I'd really like for him to open up about everything so I know *how* to be supportive, but he's not really saying anything. I know that's not in my control though and will take time.
Author lovi Posted July 24, 2016 Author Posted July 24, 2016 Here's the story: A few weeks ago my boyfriend's grandfather was hospitalized and is in critical condition. This has happened several times this year (this time is the worst). Besides the worry, the situation is also causing financial stress for my boyfriend, as he is covering all of the medical bills and healthcare costs, including a caregiver. His grandfather also lives in the Boston area, while we live in California, so in addition to the stress of being so far away, flying back and forth in the last few months has really added up financially. I think my boyfriend is going through a lot of guilt and all kinds of emotions that he doesn't know how to deal with. He and his grandfather were estranged up until January of last year. It's because my boyfriend is adopted and didn't know or want anything to do with his biological family for basically his whole life. The reason being his grandfather disowned his parents, who died when he was a baby. His grandfather didn't want anything to do with him at the time, so he was put up for adoption (how he ended up in California). Fast forward 30+ years and his grandfather got in touch because of his illness and wanting to patch things up. Unfortunately, his grandfather's condition has turned for the worse. He requested that before he passes, he wants my boyfriend to meet his biological family (which happened last week) and start building a relationship with them. This is all very overwhelming and stressful for him, but in a way I think it's also good for him to come to terms with his past. I just don't know how to be there for him when he's so distant.
Leigh 87 Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 My bf is also going through a very hard time right now. He too can be distant and not want to be smothered with love and affection as much as usual. I find that even if they seem distant and may not want a cuddle fest or to be wrapped up together on the couch all day, they STILL appreciate you being there, even though they are not good at showing it at times. My bf is coming out of the bad phases and has stated as such; he simply appreciated that I was around in the same house, despite his lack of attempts at affection or any interaction. Furthermore - when men do not feel like they are " themselves", as is more than likely the case with your bf ( his life has been turned upside fown essentially!), then they tend to not be about to give much of themselves.... I know my own bf hated not being himself, and did not want to expose me to his crap. Except he would forewarn me and not just stand me up - that is definately not cool of your bf to have done to you....even once, lt alone more than once (if it has been).... Ultimately, if he really loves you then he will do what it takes to further foster your relationship - even if he pulls away temporarily. He will need you by his side if you are the right girl for him. Although there are people who have emotional issues - they can love you as much as they are able to love - and still fall short at keeping you close to them during certain hurdles in their lives. I am not an expert and therefore, I recommend you see an expert to fully inform you as to the array if possibilities that could pertain to your predicament. Honestly though.. I have emotional issues... many people do... my bf has issues big time too... yet in the end, he needed me by his side during the most trying times of his life-- even if he was distant and unable to be himself/give much affection or even interact with me much at times. People with awful pasts and loads of mental health issues can still manage to keep a partner close when they go through a total upheaval - so there is no way of knowing why your bf is shutting you out, honestly! People with lesser and worst issues also do as your bf is doing. You just need to figure out if he is doing this because he sucks at coping with life stressors. In which case, what happens if you get married and both loos eyour jobs and are made homeless? How will you stick together and rise above harships if he shuts down, stands you up and disregards your feelings anyime life gets difficult? I do agree that you need to cut him somes slack.. but he should absolutely not go AWOL on you for longer than a week or two, and even then he should at least text and update you - he should at least WARN you of his aversion to contact, explain it is not YOU, and that he WILL get back to you after he is done dealing with the next 2 weeks....
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