he isn't the same anymore?

[luna97]

My boyfriend of 4 months used to do ANYTHING for me. He was always there for me and even helped me remove negativity from my life (long story short helped me build the strength to get out of my parents house to live with a friend)

He was thoughtful, would text me good morning/night, always willing to talk to me. It was an equal give and take. We both wanted to love and care for each other.

 

But lately I feel very upset because he isn't the same anymore. It wasn't suddenly it was a gradual transition into him seeming careless about our relationship. He used to always ask me to spend nights with him or come see him early in the morning before work, but now he acts like I am bothering him or gets mad at me saying that I'm putting him behind schedule. I'm almost always the first one to text him and when I get tired of it and don't text him around the time I normally do, I usually get a text hours later from him stating that I don't want to talk to him anymore and don't come over/call, etc. I'm trying to not smother him in case that's how he's feeling, but when I do it seems to make it even worse?

 

I've tried talking to him about how I feel and usually when I bring it up he acts sad that I feel that way and seems to genuine be sorry. Then he explains that "if I didn't care about you, would i...?" Most of the time bringing up materialistic things. I appreciate those things but the truth is him being for me isn't there and that's what I care about the most.

 

I don't want to end it I want to find a way to make things better. He's my first boyfriend and I really care about him. I just don't understand his flip flop behavior or what to do.

[leogirl876]

Although I can't tell you what to do, I'd either back off and give him space or break up. If he's acting like this after only 4 moths, it'll only continue to get worse. That's just been my experience over the years. And if this is your first boyfriend, I'm assuming you're still pretty young, so go out and find a great guy who doesn't do Jekyl & Hyde on you. People that do that only keep getting worse. To me, it sounds like the "honeymoon" phase is over for him and you're seeing his true side. Don't be surprised if he suddenly "changes" and promises to be better if you break up with him. They don't change!!!

[kolleamm]

Are you still the same person you were when he met you? I mean physically.

[Leigh 87]

ahhh. The dreaded chemistry as waned because you couldn't be the person he unitially fell hard for.

 

Sometimes you can feel the instant chemistry and "draw" to a person. et after a while, it can clearly be seen that chemistry is all that drew you together! One or BOTH parties soon realise that they are annoyed by their partners values, their voice, their personalities...... But hey, the " chemistry" was so good and you both felt naturally drawn to one another and she sex is GREAT - and so it is sure hard to give up on the great chemistry despite not being compatible.

 

This is one possibility and has happened to me several times; it was all chemistry and or attraction based, and after the initial period of courting and both thinking " omg they are so AWESOME" phase, sometimes even a mere week later, the personalities grated on each other and we found each other to be not in sync or a good fit.

 

You just do not know someone after a few months. People often come on strong in the first month or two, they think they fall " in love" and then it is common for one party to back off - because they are not naturally affectionate men, orbecause they do not value quality time and prefer to have space - and this rendering the initial chemistry as irrelevant, since the women ALWAYS enjoys intimacy, affection and minimal space where as the man may have only loved the extra attention initially and is now back to his " true self".

 

This is his true self. He probably likes his space, where as you need more time together and more attention. You do not sound compatible.

 

There are only EVER two fundamental options to these sort of quandaries; Either he has not fallen for you hard enough, and his feelings make him not want to be as close with you as he once was, and he only discovered this after the chemistry haze subsided and your true nature was exposed.

 

OR - it is not to do with feelings per say, and as into you as he once was, he simply is not comptible with you......

 

Look, usually when you have a gut level feeling that things are just not "flowing" we well as before...... it usually points to the fact youa re simply not compatible enough and one of you will snap when the incompatibilities are too much.

[smudge21]

Been where you are and that feeling when they start to fade away is terrible. You want it to go back to how it was but nothing you do works out. I tried backing off and being more forward, she still just faded more and more until eventually was ignoring my contact and then not hearing from her for weeks. It got to a point where I realised she wasn't the person I thought/hoped she waa and instead fell into that toxic category, the longer I stayed around, the more she dragged me down.

 

I finally let it go and backed off for good. Had a few reach out texts over three or four months, apologies for not being in touch etc, but when I'd reply it would just lead to more silence. They stopped eventually and that was it.

 

Like you, this was short term, so there's a lot of truth in that belief that you don't really know someone until at least 3 months in. As much as it hurt to realise that I'd wasted my time on someone like that, at least it was over before it got too serious or with any major investment.

 

I think the hardest part is in accepting that the person you love isn't real. It's a fantasy we create in our hearts and minds; a perfect companion who will never hurt us. When they start to treat us differently to how we believe they should it's hard to acceptance. We often still want them back for so long, but its not really them, its the fantasy we want. But that doesn't exist.

 

For me I will always tell myself the line "I don't miss her, I miss the person I thought she was"

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry OP, but I think you are seeing his true nature now. In the beginning, everyone is excited and on their best behaviour. But this is happening after just 4 months - that's a bad sign.

[basil67]

Yup, this is his true self. The person you met 4 months ago was him being high on the rush of adrenaline and hormones. Now they've worn off, you're seeing the real person he is.

 

This is a really normal thing to happen in the start of a relationship - it's why we caution our friends to stay aware that things could change and to not get over invested too soon. Hopefully, a the change in a person will be minimal. But some people - like your boyfriend - do a complete about face.

 

If you don't want to walk away from this, I suggest you both read up on the five love languages. It's about how the different ways that we show our love to people. His love language would appear to be gifts. Your love language is quality time. Armed with this knowledge you can both recognise how the partner is showing their love and make an effort to show love in their language too.

 

Or, you can wait for a guy who speaks your love language - they are certainly out there. It's up to you.

[preraph]

This is the reason why you never commit to someone too soon or make any life plans with them. The longer you know someone, and I always thought a couple of years was about right, the more of their real self you are going to see. Everyone is on their best behavior at the beginning of a relationship while they're pursuing you. But different people can only keep that up for so long. Some people can't keep it up for longer than two weeks or however long it takes to bed you. Others keep trying for a year or so. And you can't know someone well until you've gone through tough situations with them, like having a flat tire, the car breaking down, them being ill or you being ill to see if they're any good in a crisis or if they go into a rage. Let me tell you, people with rage may just have certain situations that trigger it and be okay until that happens and then that may be so scary you never recover.

 

Don't ever sit around and wait for it to return to "the way it was in the beginning," because that is not their true self. What you are beginning to see now is his true self at his comfort level, which isn't enough for you. So face reality about it. You can't change people.

[Gaeta]

Relationships milestones come in 3.

3 dates

3 months

6 months

9 months

12 months

3 years , etc.

 

Your relationship failed the 3 month mark. This is when you start seeing the person for whom they are. At first it's about attraction and chemistry but there is a need for something with more depth beneath it all. When it's there your relationship goes on, when it's not then your relationship dies around 3 month mark.

 

This man was put on your path to learn something. He was not meant to stay. He thought you a few things about independence, thank him and move on.

[luna97]

I really really appreciate everyone's replies. It has given me a lot to think about. But I'm not ready just yet to get out of this right this second, I'm sure you all understand, the heart doesn't make it quite that easy.

 

I texted him and asked if I could speak with him in person. I wasn't planning to break up with him, just try to go over things again. He said he felt bad news coming and I told him it's not. He replied with an excuse that he wants to go to bed early blah blah blah. I asked if that meant no. He then replied with how he's stressed out about work.

 

Now I'm even more pissed off. And im trying so hard not to just tell him to go f*** himself over text.

[Satu]

Two fundamental truths:

 

Things change

 

People change

 

 

All that really matters, is how you feel about the relationship as it currently exists. If you like it today, you'll probably like it tomorrow. If you don't like it today, you probably won't like it tomorrow.

 

 

The relationship you have, is the relationship you have.

 

 

Take care.

Edited July 24, 2016 by Satu

[Gaeta]

I really really appreciate everyone's replies. It has given me a lot to think about. But I'm not ready just yet to get out of this right this second, I'm sure you all understand, the heart doesn't make it quite that easy.

 

I texted him and asked if I could speak with him in person. I wasn't planning to break up with him, just try to go over things again. He said he felt bad news coming and I told him it's not. He replied with an excuse that he wants to go to bed early blah blah blah. I asked if that meant no. He then replied with how he's stressed out about work.

 

Now I'm even more pissed off. And im trying so hard not to just tell him to go f*** himself over text.

 

Honey, you are not ready to get out of what exactly? There is no more relationship. You have nothing to 'stay in'. He has been rejecting you repeatedly. How many more rejection will you need to understand he is not part of this relationship any longer.