Peanutjellyfish Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 (edited) Long story short , been dating my bf for 1.5 years. He's has 2 other relationships . The first one lasted 6 months , they argued too much . The second one lasted a year , she cheated on him 3 times , sexually. Keep in mind I'm his first REAL relaironship where he finally experiences GOOD POSITIVE love! This relationship isn't bad. He's loyal. When girls hit on him, he says he has a gf and brushes girls off . I asked him recently what he thinks of us so far. Keep in mind , he's always been honest . Especially when it comes to his feelings about me. He's also extremely sensitive to my feelings , which I love. When I asked him what he thought of us, my heart sank. He told me he knows he loves me, but he's not "in love" , like "love love ". He told me he hasn't been deep in love before . I asked him these questions: 1. Are you attracted to me? (Yes) 2. Do you like our sex life ? (Yes I love it ) 3. Can you be yourself around me ? (100% yes) 4. Do you see a future with me ? (Yes for sure ) What am I supposed to do ? Please don't tell me to break up. Tell me what I am supposed to do to make him feel "in love " so that in the end , I know I tried my best. I want a future with this guy . I'm scared to ask...do you think he's supposed to see what else is there ? What really makes a guy "in love"? Is it also how satisfying the sex is ? Edited July 24, 2016 by Peanutjellyfish
leogirl876 Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 I'm sorry to say, but after 1.5 years, he's either gonna love or not IMO. You don't have to break up with him, but you do have to accept him for who he is and what he's willing to give you. If you can't accept it, then you need to move on and find someone who does. We get what we really believe we deserve, so if you stay with him, you're telling him you're ok with his feelings. Just keep that in mind.... 1
SevenCity Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 1.5 years is a long time not to have fallen in love with someone. It could be he's not build like the rest of us.
Author Peanutjellyfish Posted July 24, 2016 Author Posted July 24, 2016 That is true. What can i do then? There has to be something. So what makes someone IN LOVE? Maybe we both are busy? We see each other twice a week so this relationship is going slow. We are both in school and he's working and going to school.
Leigh 87 Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 Outside factors will not change things..... Honestly? Men fall in love fast. Women can fall over time. Falling IN love is different frorm GROWING to "love". My ex and I LOVED one another but he was never IN Love with me. Many experts purport that being IN love is not important for a lasting relationship. Their premise is: falling IN love is based on limerence; the feeling of chemistry, of the instant excitment and sizzle, of your heart racing when it is THEM that text or calls you, the way they make you excited about them... People meet someone, feel an instant connection and can fall IN love at first sight! It is not, however, true or deep love; that love comes through time, mutual respect and admiration, and it is the type if love where youwould kive a kidney to them. Literally. Now - people often meet, fall IN Love and fall "head over heels", and feel " crazy about each other"... Only to never get to true, deep love due to lack of compatability, and lack of respect and admiration in one another. Conversely, and as in YOUR particular case - your bf met you, he was never infatuated with you, he was never enamoured with you and you never gave him a racing heart. He basically skipped the honeymoom stage and infatuation stage, and went straight to the deep love stage - over time he grew to love you deeply, without the butterflies. Some people are non limerent - meaning, they cannot FALL hard for people at all. It just is not in them to do so. Most people though are able to fall in love hard. Just not everyone wants or needs to fall IN love and infact, many experts discourage people for choosing partners where they have the strong honeymoonand infatuation stage. Posters on this website had spoken about how they actively AVOID people who they fall hard for,because having the spark always meant that they were unsuitable partners; it is a common psychology 101 that many women ONLY feel sparks and the " in love" feelings for bad boys, abusive men or players. Therefore - do you need a guy to be madly inlove with you? Because you bf is not; he deeply loves you without being head over heels or feeling the devine" spark" that makes a man fall in love and makes him weak at the knees. I personally need both things in apartner and it has to be mutual. I have dated men who fell for me, where as I did not fall for them. I have fallen for partners and then fallen straight out of love and never progressed to the deep love stage too. The WORST for me was falling for men who did not fall for me. OR falling for men who fell for me, but then never gott to the deep love stage. I hated falling for men who never felt the same way about me. My entire 3 year-relationship with an ex was this way.. we were best friends and made each other laugh and we did LOVE one another - he was just never inlove with me. Yet he was in lovewith his ex and did fall IN love with thenext girl after me. It was devesating to know that something was just " missing" with us frrm his end It is so easy to blame yourself and your percieved "inadequacies". Men either fall fast or that NEVER fall in love hard. If a man does not fall head over heels for a girl right away, he rarely never goes through the IN love stage,and bypasses it entirely. But that is okay, as many men do notneed to be IN love. 1
Leigh 87 Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 That is true. What can i do then? There has to be something. So what makes someone IN LOVE? Maybe we both are busy? We see each other twice a week so this relationship is going slow. We are both in school and he's working and going to school. TO summersize. Falling IN love for men goes as such: - they meet meet a girl and feel an instant connection and instant sparks. - Lack of the instant wow factor usually means a man will never fall IN love, but with rather bypass the falling hard stage, and grow to love a woman instead without the butterflies in his stomach ever happening. - many men are happy inrelationships where they never fell IN love, and rather, they liked the woman, loved her personality, felt some chemistry and grew to love her over time as opposed to falling head over heels or madly inlove with her. It is rare that a man meets a women, feels nothing but does think she has a great personality, and gos frorm lukewarm feelings to OMG madly in love type feelings. Not all men place much stock in having to feel like their wife or partner is the love of their lives; many men just want a life companion who they respect and admire and are attracted to sexually - the sky illimunating fireworks are not necessary to them. Evan Marc Katz is a dating guru. Check out his website. GOOGLE his name please - as HE encourages women AND MEN - to go for partners who they are NOT " inlove" with,and to rather, do as your partner has done - select partners based on 10/10 compatability, without the sparks and : in love: phase ever happening.
Author Peanutjellyfish Posted July 24, 2016 Author Posted July 24, 2016 (edited) @Leigh87 What you're saying makes sense. Thank you so much. You are right. I feel like he DOESN"T know what in love is. I think he's expecting fireworks. He never felt that so he thinks he doesnt feel "in love" with me. I also think he doesn't know what "in love " is as this is his FIRST real relationship where everything is NORMAL for once! Perhaps I can try to bring back a spark in the relationship? He said once he feels the "spark" sometimes goes and comes. What can i do to bring it back? Edited July 24, 2016 by Peanutjellyfish
Redhead14 Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 Honestly? Men fall in love fast. Women can fall over time -- Men do not fall "in love" fast. They fall in "lust fast". Women fall in love with "physical contact" quickly. That's what bonds women. What bonds men, is entirely outside of a woman's ability to understand . . . men need different things according to "who they are". Go back and read some of the threads on this board . . . a woman has sex with a man and feels the earth move (unless he's just crappy in bed and the man seems distant to her . . . 1
planb1973 Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 As a guy chiming in here Leigh and Redhead are spot on. The women in my life I thought I had fallen deeply and quickly in love with was just lust and it never worked out. The ones who I didn't feel that with but loved them deeply over time are the ones who I wish I had not let go due to confusing lust with love. To me it sounds like your BF does not know what real deep love is. And you were expecting a different answer. But he did answer the 4 questions you asked that really mean long term! It really sounds like he is just being too honest with his response and you didn't get the answer you wanted to hear.
Author Peanutjellyfish Posted July 24, 2016 Author Posted July 24, 2016 @planb really appreciate your response immensely. Spot on . He doesn't know AT ALL. I think he thinks lust is love or something. So the questions are : how do i make him realize that "fireworks" don't mean love? Also, how do i bring back a spark in the relationship? No one answered this question yes. Please do. Do i have to let him go so he can realize? im really scared to do this. because he loves me enough to be with me so if i let him go im scared i'll lose him forever
todreaminblue Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 (edited) @planb really appreciate your response immensely. Spot on . He doesn't know AT ALL. I think he thinks lust is love or something. So the questions are : how do i make him realize that "fireworks" don't mean love? Also, how do i bring back a spark in the relationship? No one answered this question yes. Please do. Do i have to let him go so he can realize? im really scared to do this. because he loves me enough to be with me so if i let him go im scared i'll lose him forever the quickest way to lose a relationship worth metal.... is to start games of go away ...no stay...no go away.....dont do it...only ask a guy to leave if that is what you want to happen..... if you want to bring sparks to your relationship.....start dating again.....date nights......go places that are special to him....and dates where it is special to you.....play the do you remember game...bring back to mind a really romantic hot time......and recreate it.....and then ...make some new hot times.....with special touches...like massage for one.....or take up something new together....work out together....get endorphins flowing together..i have been researching dance.......theres these beautiful dances......that involve touch.....and connection physically......there's contact improv dance and zouk...which involve feeling the other persons presence and balance and moving together and some latin thrown in for good measure....learning together something beautiful and different can set sparks a light..... one thing i know that does spark up sparks...is laughter...having fun...enjoying each others company...being playful.....surprises.....a bit of mystery.......a step out of routine....and date nights ...are and can be key to explore some of these sparkers...... dont make it about sex...... build that fire ...if you want it to burn for a while.......just dont go straight for a can of kero and rely on sex.....build mystery...excitement....tension.....expectation and have fun doing it..remember the heady days...the little touches...of fingertips to skin....on the back of the neck...the whispers....the in jokes....the brushing past each other with a soft almost there caress....with a glint in your eye and his....the knowing smiles.....at the start of the movie in the cinema as the lights go dim....your hands going for the popcorn at the same time...and that little fizz that happens when you touch..the fleeting kisses ....stolen in quiet together time...for no reason other than to just....kiss...and be as close as you can....physically...the appreciation of little things you do for each other being said or noticed..............but whatever happens......lose the fun...and you can lose the spark....if you havent doen any fo the things i hav elisted above....maybe you should try them.......good luck...and happy sparkin...deb Edited July 24, 2016 by todreaminblue
Leigh 87 Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 Yes I agree with REDHEAD - people fall IN LUST, and that is, rarely, then followed by TRUE love; that is wat I REALLY meant when I was describing falling IN love. Here is the deal: Some men fall in lust ( they feel the instant connectionm sparks, fireworks, butterflies and nerves). Then they fall in love once they get to know the girl. In most cases, the people we fall the hardest for are often bad for us. For most couples, they do not both fall in lust immediately and have fireworks and chemistry right off the batt. Most people meet, they do not feel in lust or a connection immediatey, and they then grow to deeply love one another basedon shared experiences, compatabiity, and mutual admiration and respect. They of course, also have to be sexually attracted (sexual attraction is not the same as chemistry or fireworks or lust though as one can feel sexually attracted witout feeling the fireworks or head over heels in love type of thing) Some people need the lust at first site thing, where as others do not. Some people are never genuinly happy if they have to skip out on the butterflies, fireworks and " in love" stage. I am one of these people. This is despite KNOWING that lust and feeling " in love" in and of itself, IS Not TRUE LOVE and is merely a precurser to sometimes falling in DEEP love. Your bf grew to love you. You grew on him without him going through the infatuation or stage or experincing butterflies. The issue with some men is: one day they DO meet a girl with whom they feel the wild lust for and the fireworks for - and they mistakenly believe that THAT is " what being in love" is all about. When in actuality, it is merely lust and great chemistry which ONLY cocmes BEFORE the true love..... Quite simply, your bf may need to go through the fireworks and sparks phase with a girl in order for him to feel like he has met the " love of his life". But do not panic - as to the contrary - MANY adults DO NOT EVER need to feel the " in love" feelings, as they realise that falling head over heels IN love" as opposed to growing to love someone - is NOT a great indicator of a heathy or lasting relation ship. Case in point; all the men I have fallen in lust with and that I would have felt " in love" with, had things progressed, were ALL emotionally unavailable to me! So for many people, they fall hard for the wrong people; and in contrast, the people who are the best for us are rarely the people we fall MADLY in love with. According to many experts and also many people I have spoken to and read about online - most healthy adults realise that feeling "in love" is not necessary, and is in fact, dangerous since people are often the most drawn to people who are bad for them. Your guy simply grew to love you over time rather than him falling for you hard at the start; he met you, did not feel much to put it bluntly, but felt you were a great girl and worth getting to know - and over time, it is your character and the fact he is exually attracted to you, that has made him feel DEEP love for you as opposed to going through that lusty stage where he aches for you and feels wild attraction for you. Me? I need to go through the falling IN love stage. Why? Because I am hedonistic and I do not like bothering with dating men who do not make my heart race when they text; I feel confined and not alive and trapped in relationships that skip the butterfly and sparks stage. Where as many people on here I have heard about, including one veteral poster who is in her50s - slept with over 300 men and dated plenty, and ended up ditching the men she fell IN love with, and rather, married the man who was 10/10 compatible with her, and she developed the in love feeling much more slower, and she even admits that yes, there is less sizzle in the bedrom and slightly less passion sexually than the men she fell IN love with; but she couldn't be happier, as she thrives more on the ultimate 10/10 compatability than she ever did with the 10/10 chemistry men who she fell " in" love with. Put simply: he grew to love you over time and he skipped the butterflies and honeymoon stage. He may or may not need to go through that in love process in order to remain with a woman. Some men in your bfs position feel trapped and unhappy once they meet a woman who they DO feel the fireworks for. More often then not - people learn the lesson that instant chemistry, fireworks and lust, which precede deep love and result in feeling " in love" - is NOT NECESSARY FOR LASTING RELATIONSHIPS. Most people start to seek relationships out that bypass the in love phase and lead to deep love. I am irrational and perfer the lust phase followed by the deep, true love phase; but for me to feel IN love, I need those TWO phases, rather thab simply GROWING to love.
Emilia Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 I'd say excitement is what makes a man fall in love. Whether that turns into anything deeper or whether he over time chalks it up to lust is another matter. To attract a guy seriously where he goes a bit nuts thinking about you, it's about excitement and dopamine. 1
Emilia Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 Honestly? Men fall in love fast. Women can fall over time -- Men do not fall "in love" fast. They fall in "lust fast". Women fall in love with "physical contact" quickly. That's what bonds women. What bonds men, is entirely outside of a woman's ability to understand . . . men need different things according to "who they are". Go back and read some of the threads on this board . . . a woman has sex with a man and feels the earth move (unless he's just crappy in bed and the man seems distant to her . . . I don't think I agree. I think men fall faster and harder than many women do. Yes lust is a big part of it because after all it's about chemical dependence but it can be sustained if there is compatibility so that it grows depth. I think the distance part comes from whether the guy was really interested in the first place or just lied. If a woman keeps up excitement, figures out how the guy's mind works, what his little nuances are, she can go a long way.
joseb Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 I don't think I agree. I think men fall faster and harder than many women do. Yes lust is a big part of it because after all it's about chemical dependence but it can be sustained if there is compatibility so that it grows depth. I think the distance part comes from whether the guy was really interested in the first place or just lied. If a woman keeps up excitement, figures out how the guy's mind works, what his little nuances are, she can go a long way. I've heard this said here a lot - men fall in love fast - I dunno, maybe it's just me and pretty much any guy I know, but I have to say I completely disagree. Redhead has it - we fall in Lust fast - big difference. I think a lot of people mistake this for Love. Love, for me and the guys I know that are open about these things, it takes time, and doesn't always follow lust by any means. But even for me, 1.5 years...that's too long - either he's just not in Love with OP, or he's not really capable of it. 3
Leigh 87 Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 I don't think I agree. I think men fall faster and harder than many women do. Yes lust is a big part of it because after all it's about chemical dependence but it can be sustained if there is compatibility so that it grows depth. I think the distance part comes from whether the guy was really interested in the first place or just lied. If a woman keeps up excitement, figures out how the guy's mind works, what his little nuances are, she can go a long way. It really comes down to this simple math: Lust followed by a deeper love = The sort of love that is referred to as " the love of my life" and " falling madly in love" or " head over heels in love" or " falling hard". Lust only that is not followed by a deeper love = A high chemstry fling; Often one or both parties MISTAKE this instant chemistry and spark and fireworiks - for being IN LOVE or falling IN LOVE. Only for it to soon come crashing down once they learn that it is purely chemistry based without any actual substance or true emotional connections beyond the bedroom.... Personally, I have fallen hard only to realise that I hated their personality, and didnot like or respect them much. At which point, the spark died despite initially falling hard. Chemistry alone did not last for me once the deeper set of emotiond associated with LOVE - never came to friution. Love only = When people meet, do not feel much in the way of intense emotions, and grow to love each other slowly, without the strong honeymoon phase, without the excitment or butterflies or racing hearts....I have personally I have experienced all 3 types of love. So having my best interests at heart and wanting to avoid inficting heartache on men, I know myself well enough to go after the lust fand excitment and passion - that then turns out to yield high compatability and a deep seated love. The lust followed by love twice in my life, where the true love faded since I just did not respect the guy and I was way too young and changing rapidly developmentally. I broke the guys heart. Likewise, men have hurt me when they initially fell hardonly to realise that they did not like my personality enough to fall in love properly beyond the first few romps in the hay. The growing to love.... here is where women are SO DIFFERENT THAN MEN; I initially skipped the instant excitment stage, only to grow to love a man.. but oftentimes, the spark that was initially missing DOES end up being there if I give it enough time and there is at least SOME level of chemistry present. I have personally grown to love men without the initial feeling of falling for them - and the end result was nearly the same as if I had fallen head over heels from day one. Sadly, I have just.. not men ANY man who has bypasses the butterflies and excitment stage initially, that then went on to feel 10/.10 passionate chemistry and that head over heels feeling later on.... MEN ARE DIFFERENT: if the initial thrill of excitment is not there, it NEVER COMES. For all we know though, the OP's partner may just not need to feel " in love". The dating coach Exan Marc Katz never fell " in love" with his wife. He explained that he had dated a series of women who he fell hard for, was infatuate and enamoured with, and who ultimately dumped him. Then when he met his wife, although he found her asthetically pleasing, he was not enamoured or infatuated with her yet she was a much better person than his exes who he fell harder for. The OPs guy could not be capable of falling hard for a woman, he may well be able to yet not NEED to go through that stage or he is capable of falling in love and DOES NEED to go through it. There are 3 options pretty much. He aint capable of falling, he is and he does not need to/does not have an interest in it, or he is and he ends up chasing that in love type of love.
xxoo Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 Men fall in love with a woman because of they way they feel when around her. She's his "high". This is beyond lust; it's the feeling he has when walking with her on his arm, when she smiles at him, when he falls asleep with her in his arms. It's that heart-bursting feeling that he needs to be with her, make her his. Every man is different, and so every man will fall for different qualities. You can't convince a man he is in love. He'll know it when he feels it, and he won't risk losing her. 4
Redhead14 Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 I don't think I agree. I think men fall faster and harder than many women do. Yes lust is a big part of it because after all it's about chemical dependence but it can be sustained if there is compatibility so that it grows depth. I think the distance part comes from whether the guy was really interested in the first place or just lied. If a woman keeps up excitement, figures out how the guy's mind works, what his little nuances are, she can go a long way. There is no way to identify what makes a man fall in love with a particular woman, it's an intangible and deeply personal thing and there are too many variables. We don't know what makes a man fall in love, but you cannot make a man fall in love. If a woman keeps up excitement, figures out how the guy's mind works, what his little nuances are, she can go a long way -- This is about getting inside a man's head and is the root of all the analyzing, overthinking and insecurity in the dating world. It's about a woman being a chameleon and attempting to fit a mould that she thinks the man has for a woman in order to have a relationship. Yeah, a woman should keep it exciting and fun, if that's who she is, but if the man is interested enough, he should be balancing it. She shouldn't be doing all the work. Or trying to figure out what it is that will do it for him. He needs to observe whether she has the qualities he likes and that the intangibles that will allow him to fall in love are there or not. If she's creating an artificial environment, so to speak, he's going to be disappointed later. And, she should be doing the same thing for herself. I think men fall faster and harder than many women do. -- They don't fall in love fast, but they often fall harder if they are mature men, because they aren't allowing themselves to be overwhelmed by endorphins and estrogen and are truly focusing on what that particular woman is bringing to his table. Their observation period is actually longer and more focused if they are really interested. They really think hard about it.
mikeylo Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 You cant make a man or even a woman fall in love. They either fall or they dont.Sometimes faster, sometimes gradually and sometimes never.There are no rules. The important thing is to stay in love.That is tested over time when you are thrown into difficult situations or arguments/fights. I agree though , that mature men fall harder and will do anything to keep the woman.No denying that.They have seen life and know what they want in a woman.They are not shallow and focus on qualities, personality ,compatibility rather than what the hip vs thigh ratio is! Physical attraction is an important part of any romantic relationship. Relationships that begin with lust, can feel like love but crash fast.At first difficult time, they end and 'love' ends.Those where love is real, the difficult times make them fall harder and stick together and bond.It doesnt happen on its own.Its a genuine and sincere effort to go the extra mile. It can be rekindled if it was there to begin with.
GoodOnPaper Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 I asked him these questions: 1. Are you attracted to me? (Yes) 2. Do you like our sex life ? (Yes I love it ) 3. Can you be yourself around me ? (100% yes) 4. Do you see a future with me ? (Yes for sure ) If your BF is being truthful in his answers, I don't see what more he could hope for in an LTR. I've been married over 20 years and I wish I could answer all four questions the same way. Maybe his view of how it feels to be "in love" isn't realistic. Maybe it's something more abstract like the idea of "losing his freedom", even though he seems to be content in the relationship, that's holding him back - that wouldn't be about you. What really makes a guy "in love"? Is it also how satisfying the sex is ? I know it doesn't seem helpful, but I agree with the other posters who have said that the answers to these questions are highly individualized. Every man has his own combination of infatuation/friendship/compatibility/inspiration that will result in him feeling "in love". Sex certainly factors in but may or may not have dealbreaker status, depending on the man. 1
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