Trying to make it work with alcoholic husband after my affair

[Xanthia]

Cephalopod - I totally agree with what you say. I thought I had been saying the same, but sorry if it hasn't come across that way.

 

DKT3 - sorry if I am being stupid, but I don't really understand this: "Now your saying if YOU engage with om again then it proves YOU aren't committed to the marriage or your husband. No it proves that you are not committed to doing better, or being better." In my mind these are one and the same thing?! I wasn't trying to blame him for it - I meant exactly what you say in the second sentence.

 

Standtall, I wasn't using my husband's past misdemeanours to justify my affair. The fact that I qualified it by saying we weren't serious at the time was intended to explain that I realise that even in a much less serious situation cheating can still hurt (and yes, it was cheating - we had been together for five months and were exclusive, but we were young and it obviously wasn't comparable to a marriage). It was years and years ago and I am over it...it's not a justification.

 

It's not the case that my AP kicked me to the kerb this time round, at all. He actually said maybe we could meet up in the future. But I don't want to.

 

PLEASE stop calling me unrepentant. It is not true and I feel I'm being wilfully misunderstood. I feel like crap over the affair and the hurt it has caused. And my AP is not a back up plan! We are not going to get back together, and like I said, being in contact with him this week has made me realise that I wouldn't even want to anyway. It stirred up my feelings for a day, but now that has settled I realise it was just stupid nostalgia.

 

I think I am going to have to give up on this because I feel that what I'm being told about my own thoughts and feelings is untrue, which is a shame because I really am in need of help. How am I not trying to fix this? I have accepted blame - honestly! I was in counselling but couldn't afford it any more, but am going to go to the doctor's this week and ask to go on the waiting list. I will try to go to al anon but it's difficult because there are not many meetings in my area and they are daytime (I work so this isn't possible). I have upheld NC for the past seven months and I should never have broken it - I'm going back to it, for good this time. What more can I do?

[Xanthia]

As I said your cheating and his drinking are two separate issues and can't be lumped together. One didn't cause the other. Can you honestly say you haven't or didn't at some point convince yourself that you did what you did because of his drinking.....or use it to justify. It's coming through your writing that you did and still do.

 

On this... yes, at the time I definitely did convince myself of that. And it has taken quite a while to get myself out of that mindset. Now, I do understand that his drinking didn't make me have an affair. What it did do was make me unhappy. That is a fact. I could have dealt with that unhappiness in much more constructive ways, but I didn't. That's my fault.

 

I'm not sure how to be any clearer.

[standtall]

x...If you can handle going into a church or temple (that is not sarcasm...serious statement), then most of them have free marriage counseling, with or without the religious message, as most religions hate divorces. Also, most churches/temples are local and also have alcoholism counseling.

 

Listen...nobody here makes you want to hurt anymore than you are already. I'm sorry that I come off as a heartless prick, but you didn't make yourself sound very sorry for anything....in the beginning. Also, getting in contact again with the AP recently just showed that your heart wan't into it. If you really want to save your marriage, you have to fight for it. There is no magic bullet for any of this.

[anika99]

I'm wondering if something about my situation is pushing your buttons on a personal level, because I think some of the things you're saying are really unfair. Encouraging someone to go to AA is absolutely NOT saying "you're on your own there". I can't exactly go with him, nor would he want me to! What else am I supposed to do?! I'm afraid we don't have a car so I can't give him a ride... but if you have any genuine suggestions of how else I could be helping him in a practical sense then I'm happy to hear them. As I said, we already talk frequently about his drinking and the underlying issues.

 

As for your second paragraph, you've totally twisted what I said. In no way did I suggest that I would be unrepentant if I contacted the other man again - I meant that it would make me face up to the fact that I wasn't really able to be wholeheartedly in this marriage, and hence would think it was time to end it for his sake as much as my own. It's a sanction I'm applying to myself. I don't want to contact him again, and am trying to impress the seriousness of doing so on myself. What is wrong with that?

 

For the third time, I'm not blaming my husband for my affair. I hold him at least partially responsible for a lot of the difficulties that have happened in our relationship over the past few years, but not that. No one made me do it. But the simple fact of the matter is that we are in a very, very different situation from one in which, for instance, a partner gets bored and casts round for a bit of excitement outside the marriage. The main difference being that even when the affair is over and contact is 100% stopped for good, a fundamental separate problem still remains. What I'm trying to work out is how best to deal with it. Like it or not, living with an alcoholic also causes an immense amount of hurt and stress. I'm not interested in playing a one-upmanship game of whether it's better or worse than being cheated on. I'm sure opinions would vary wildly depending on personal experience. But when there is hurt on both sides, regardless of how you like to measure it, it makes things a lot harder. Many couples would have given up long ago, but we do love each other and want to try and make it work.

 

I'm thinking that poster doesn't really understand alcoholism and the thing that is pushing their buttons is that you cheated. I find it amazing that you are being told not to blame your husband for your affair while at the same time you are being blamed for your husbands alcoholic relapse. Now there's a double standard if I've ever heard one.

 

You are absolutely not responsible for your husband's alcoholism. Having spent years with an alcoholic and time attending Al-Anon I can tell you that all that handholding and encouragement and taking ownership of your husband's drinking that poster is suggesting you do DOES NOT WORK. In fact taking on responsibility of the alcoholic and their recovery is sick and called codependency. When someone is ready and serious about recovery then they do it, you can't make it happen or take responsibility for it.

 

Now your affair is an entirely different issue. It was a fantasy and an escape and your preoccupation with the OM is just more exscapism. There is no man who is going to rescue you and make you happy. Stop making your life about men and comparing which man makes you happy. If you contact the OM again that's not so much a sign that your marriage should end so much as it is a sign that you are emotionally unstable and not taking responsibility for your life and choices. There is no point in contacting the OM, it won't lead to anything good regardless of the state of your marriage. I think the OM represents happiness to you. Before he came along you had been unhappy and when you had the affair you felt happy for a bit and then the OM left and it was like he took your happiness with him. But true happiness is not found in another person and if you think it is you will spend the rest of your life having happiness elude you.

 

Stop contacting the OM, he is not the answer to your problems. There is nothing there for you. Start attending Al-Anon and/or counselling. Get your head straight and your mind calm and then seriously evaluate your marriage (without thoughts of the OM, he's got nothing to do with this) and consider if it's really worth saving. Not only is your spouse an alcoholic you also mentioned that he has zero income. Why is that? A marriage is supposed to be a partnership and it doesn't sound like he's been a partner to you for a long time. Your years of faithfully standing by him may have actually enabled his alcoholism.

 

Sometimes people in toxic relationships need to seperate so that they can face themselves and make changes. Sometimes people hide in relationships. They make their spouse their main focus so that they can avoid looking at themselves. This especially happens to codependent people in relationships that include substance abuse. I think you and your husband may be holding each other back from growing. Your husband is slipping back into full fledged alcoholism and you are slipping back into an affair state of mind (the ridiculous logic of thinking " if I contact my OM again then that is a sign my marriage is over") and neither booze or affairs lead to inner happiness. Your husband needs to stop hiding himself in booze and you need to stop hiding yourself in men and unhealthy relationships.

[Cephalopod]

My ex-wife was a drug user and later became a cocaine addict. But she was also the cheater in our relationship, so I look at it from a different perspective. In her case her cocaine use was directly related to her affairs, and I do know what it is like living with an addict, so I can sympathize very much with the OP. Being married to a drunk or a cokehead is a horrible way to live.

[Whoknew30]

I'm both a WS & BS, so I can understand both sides. BS that were not in a "bad" marriage will never understand a spouse that is...living with an addict is dealing with abuse, wether or not its physical. Unless someone has been there, they can never understand. I can completely understand being in a desperate situation & how it makes it that much easier to make a bad decision like having an A. The spouses saying you made vows to be there, evidently have not dealt with abuse bc no one ever deserves to deal with that. I'm a defending you A, no but just bc something isn't right doesn't make it not understandable.

 

My H grew up with a severely alcoholic father (alone) & part of the reason for his A, it has affected him emotionally his whole life, without realizing it. It took a lot of therapy for him to finally understand. So if it can affect a grown man, years after the fact, of course it's going to affect the spouse living with it.

 

It's good you cut out the A, now you should be focused on your child & yourself. Definitely agree with going to Alanon meetings & no matter what anyone says...his addiction is not your fault. If you go out & have a drink without him, doesn't make him drink. Because I can't get into specifics, what I went to school for & did clinics for, I saw a lot of these type of situations (on top of dealing with my H) sometimes one has to allow a person to hit a 100% rock bottom alone for anything to change & if the addict doesn't change, they weren't going to anyways, no matter what their spouse would have done.

 

I know you're trying to do the right thing bc you love your H but when someone gets to a point of being extremely far gone, you're no longer dealing with the person, you're dealing with the drug of their choice. If you see real changes that's great but if you don't, this same cycle is going to replay over & over...& you deserve better than just a few moments of false happiness from a wrong situation. You have a child that very much either knows what's going on or soon will. She needs a strong mom that realizes she deserves happiness, comfort in the right way & hasn't let her self respect be destroyed by anyone or any situation. Good luck to you.

[NewLeaf512]

I agree with this but how long do I give it? It feels unrealistic to expect him to snap his fingers and walk away from an addiction just like that. But this has been going on up and down for a long time. Overall, the trajectory is towards it getting better, but it is slow progress and I have no idea where to draw the line.

 

It's too long already. The desire for sobriety has to come from him. It's not a slow progress thing. It's stop drinking and be abstinent and go to meetings and it's hard and it's rough and you be there to support him, or leave.

 

 

The only cure for alcoholism is to completely stop drinking. Not any alcohol of any kind ever again. The end.

[standtall]

Nobody blamed the OP for the BS drinking initially, but this sure as heck facilitated a relapse.

 

 

Last September I finally told him I was leaving. It gave him a big wake-up call and he convinced me to give the marriage another chance, telling me he would stop drinking. I agreed, and told him about the affair as I felt I had to be honest if we had any chance. He had already suspected it and was very understanding - in retrospect I think he was so grateful at me giving the marriage another shot that he suppressed his feelings about the affair somewhat. The next few months were very strange...my husband stopped drinking completely and became a different person, exactly the person I had wanted him to be for so long. At the same time, though, I hadn't been able to bring myself to cut contact with my affair partner and we were trying to be friends. He seemed to manage this much better than I did - I don't think he was entirely over our relationship but he is a determined character and had decided this is the way it had to be. I wasn't really fully committing to the marriage because emotionally I still had a foot in another camp. My husband found out I was still in touch with him and ended up sending him an angry message shortly after Christmas, which resulted in the other man cutting me off and saying we had to break contact for good.

 

 

The OP is not a victim. The next quote is a non sequitur argument comparing apples to oranges.

 

I'm thinking that poster doesn't really understand alcoholism and the thing that is pushing their buttons is that you cheated. I find it amazing that you are being told not to blame your husband for your affair while at the same time you are being blamed for your husbands alcoholic relapse. Now there's a double standard if I've ever heard one.

 

Be amazed....Alcoholism is a disease...cheating is a betrayal and character flaw, full of lies and deceit. If the OP wasn't up to help with her " A Game", then should she just got it over with and divorced him....not stab him the back some more. That way he is not fighting 2 battles, he can focus on fixing himself,not competing with other men for his wife. He did that once and it didn't work...see above quote.

Edited July 25, 2016 by standtall

[Mikeisch1]

I read your article and feel for you. I to am in a relationship for over 12 years and i was cheated on in the beginning and i forgave and we carried on and had 3 children. In the mean time life got rough we had lost our house abd our rental properties with the bad economy, had to file bankruptcy, had to move to her inlaws trailer cabin in a jiff, which we got kicked out of 2 days after her gpa died. We moved to a house that was available and it just happens to be the house where we met!!!!! Which is also the house i caught her naked with another guy !!! One of my bf's. As the rough time continued i wanted to talk about whag to do and for 2 years she kept telling me to get another gf find someome elee to talk to im facebooking or texting friends!!! So her bf which she was bit***** to about this came after me and i let my guard down. We had a 2.5 year texting friendsgip and ended up kissing 6 times. My gf knows now and little over a year later she has said we are done and i csnt be given a second chance. Over this last year i have watched her crumble to alcohol going out at the very least once per week but for the majority pf it was 3-5 times a week. Many times stumbling through thedoor at 4am and i cant go to work cause she is to passed to watch kids. Her friebds played a big influence on this drinking as they dont have there kids or they only have them 1-2 days a week. BUT as she dumped me she has gone out less drank less spent more time with me snd has had more sex with me. I would give anything for the chanceagain. Now sje wants me to get the ow to come to me and leave her hsnging and hurt and she said than she would feel better. So idk if that is advice for you or what but i feel for you. It hurts bad and for some reason if we are the second to make mistake amd have affair everyone forgets about the first affair or my case "3" i forgave. She is also talking to another guy now as well. She told me to find a girl but i told i refuse i will fight to keep us together i dont deserve it but the kids damn well do for us to at least try.

[anika99]

Nobody blamed the OP for the BS drinking initially, but this sure as heck facilitated a relapse.

 

 

 

 

The OP is not a victim. The next quote is a non sequitur argument comparing apples to oranges.

 

 

 

Be amazed....Alcoholism is a disease...cheating is a betrayal and character flaw, full of lies and deceit. If the OP wasn't up to help with her " A Game", then should she just got it over with and divorced him....not stab him the back some more. That way he is not fighting 2 battles, he can focus on fixing himself,not competing with other men for his wife. He did that once and it didn't work...see above quote.

 

Not a single person has said that the OP was right cheat on her husband or that he deserved to be cheated on. My point is that the OP is not responsible for her husband's alcoholism. She probably should leave him though.

[Sabella]

What support with his drinking do you think I should be giving that I haven't? I encourage him to go to AA. I read the Daily Reflections book with him every morning. I have frequent and lengthy conversations with him about his state of mind and how I can help him. I resent the suggestion that I haven't been supporting him in it over the past few months, because I have tried my best.

 

My drinking consists of the odd drink out at the pub with friends when he is not there. He has no issue with this (I have asked him several times). I have literally never bought alcohol to drink at home in my life, even before his drinking was a problem. Sure, I can give up my odd glass out in the evenings. I really don't think this is the answer to all my prayers though. In fact, I can't see that it will make any difference at all.

 

Sorry if I'm sounding defensive, but I'm really not sure what else I can be doing at this stage. The email contact I had with OM yesterday is literally the only occasion I have stepped out of line since the beginning of the year, and I won't be repeating it. It worries me that I felt the desire to do it at all, but I have to take it as a warning sign and a wake-up call.

 

You are not responsible for his alcoholism. Please read this over and over till it sinks in and don't let anyone here tell you otherwise. You are responsible for being co-dependant, conflict avoidant and having an affair. I don't say this to be cruel, as my situation was/is eerily similar and I am all of those things too.

 

Your A and his alcoholism need to be separated so you can process and deal with them properly.

 

My H had issues with alcohol and anger. He was a mean, belligerant drunk, but never actually hit me. Came close, but he knew that was my deal breaker too. And occasionally he was a happy, fun loving drunk. I never knew what I would get though.

 

We had a breaking point a long time ago when the kids were little. I came home to find him passed out, when he was supposed to be watching the kids and I was locked out of the house. Had to break into my own house, he was completely out of it. I was set to leave him then, but he promised to quit drinking, so I stayed.

 

He stayed sober, cold turkey for years (7 ish) but oddly that didn't seem to curtail his anger issues and some of his nasty behaviours. I was beside myself. I

felt like I had made him jump through these hoops, yet I was still unhappy. I felt like I was walking on eggshells all the time. When he came home in a bad mood from work, I tried to lighten the mood, keep the kids out of his hair etc. It was exhausting.

 

I had a 3 year A, that ended a few months ago. It really just confused the situation completely. What it did do, was show me how unhappy I really was. You asked how long to give your H with his sobriety. There is no answer to that, it comes from you. For me, I realized that I would never completely trust my H as a partner, that I couldn't be responsible entirely for his happiness or sobriety. There was too much damage, for too many years, to our relationship. Much of that damage was my fault, and I'm working on myself through IC to fix that.

 

In the end my A ended, and I separated from my H, and he is living elsewhere. We are both in IC, but wont be doing MC. He needs to work on his issues because he will always be in my life and father to our children, not to fix the M. I believe at this point it is unfixable, but we are being cordial and responsible co-parents at this time. That is of huge importance to us and all I ask for now.

 

Only you know how much more to give to this relationship. Don't let anyone guilt you into staying for the "in sickness and in health." They weren't at your wedding and not privy to your vows, lol. And nobody here knows all the details of your life and M. That's impossible to fit into just a few posts.

 

It's going to be a bit of a rough road ahead. There are times I'm relieved to be separated and times I'm scared shi+tless. But I'm learning to face my fears and own my own bs too, and I know eventually I will be better for it and so will my wonderful kids.

 

I wish you nothing but luck in your journey ahead. I can tell by just the little you've written that you are smart and trying to look at all the angles. You got this. Hugs

[standtall]

Don't let anyone guilt you into staying for the "in sickness and in health." They weren't at your wedding and not privy to your vows, lol.

 

Yep just guidelines. Even though most people swore them too each other, in front of friends and family, and too God as well....and is a legal contract. Betrayal...your spouse is supposed to have your back. Wonder why the divorce rate is what it is. Why get married at all when anyone can cast aside their commitment when it is convenient?

 

Now OP again, IMHO, as long as you gave it your "A game" to help him with his alcoholism, and it failed, divorce is real reasonable, but the affair was not. But you really didn't give him your " A game" did ya?

[Sabella]

Yep just guidelines. Even though most people swore them too each other, in front of friends and family, and too God as well....and is a legal contract. Betrayal...your spouse is supposed to have your back. Wonder why the divorce rate is what it is. Why get married at all when anyone can cast aside their commitment when it is convenient?

 

Now OP again, IMHO, as long as you gave it your "A game" to help him with his alcoholism, and it failed, divorce is real reasonable, but the affair was not. But you really didn't give him your " A game" did ya?

 

I think one could argue that he didn't have her back when he slipped into his drinking problem too. But we aren't here to argue. How they move on from here (which is what we should be focused on) depends on many things. Things like, how he deals with his disease and how much she has left to give to the relationship. OP, if you think you really want to stay, you should definitely seek out IC and Al-Anon. Start there.