longjohn Posted July 23, 2016 Posted July 23, 2016 I met this lady last month at a class, very nice professional and has her crap together from what I can tell so far. We live a bit of a distance apart but thought we'd explore this to see where it might lead as we seemed to have a spark. Here's my issue, she tells me she goes out once in a while with her boss who just happens to be male and single. He's slightly older than she. She said they used to go with a group but that pealed away over time and it's just the two of them. She's also said she keeps it quite at work as it's against policy for someone at director level to be seen to be dating a lower management. I've said if anyone at their office finds out they'll put 2 + 2 and get 4 therefore assume there's a sexual relationship too and she might get in hot water with upper management as would he. My gut says make a run for it because he's got an interest in her even if she has none in him. However I don't know the man but I know us men and he's not asking her out to be her. I've talked to her about it but she became quite defensive and stated repeatedly that there's nothing going on and they are only friends. Yet I've raised the question once more as she's going out again. She's not acknowledged that she's "dating" him yet they are going out to eat, movies, see a band etc therefore in my mind she's dating her boss regardless if there's anything romantic or not going on there. I don't think I'm being harsh in saying this is wrong and should stop if she's interested in me as it makes me highly uncomfortable. So I'm laying out the ultimatum.
smudge21 Posted July 23, 2016 Posted July 23, 2016 How would she react if you spending free time with another girl? If this feels wrong to you then it's not going to get any better overtime. However from what you say it doesn't really sound like you two are dating yet, so maybe she's keeping her options open. Its hard to say which way to go on this but I always recommend going with your gut. Dating in those first few months should be wonderful, happy, exciting and feel like there's only you and one other on the planet. If you are annoyed and have doubts already, well, it doesn't bode well for a future.
Emilia Posted July 23, 2016 Posted July 23, 2016 I certainly agree that there is a difference between popping out to grab a coffee during work hours with the boss to discuss something - especially confidential - and hanging out, going to the movies. etc. I don't know anyone that goes out for meals and films with their boss, unless they are dating. I have male friends and we never do that sort of thing. It's an illustration that she doesn't understand the concept of boundaries, at least, or possibly dating him. I wouldn't entertain that for a second. 3
smackie9 Posted July 23, 2016 Posted July 23, 2016 Meh, she is just passing the time away with him because she is single, and it's possible he is doing the same thing. I'm sure he would oblige if she offered sex, but what guy wouldn't?, but just because they have parts that fit together doesn't mean sex is going on. She has him stuck in the friends zone but is emotionally attached hence the defensiveness that is coming from her. If she isn't willing to stop with these one on one hang outs that just means she's not that into you. When people are really into someone, exes, hang outs, even close friends get dumped just to spend time with their new found love. Move on and meet someone that is into you and is excited about you. 1
JewelD Posted July 23, 2016 Posted July 23, 2016 Meh, she is just passing the time away with him because she is single, and it's possible he is doing the same thing. I'm sure he would oblige if she offered sex, but what guy wouldn't?, but just because they have parts that fit together doesn't mean sex is going on. She has him stuck in the friends zone but is emotionally attached hence the defensiveness that is coming from her. If she isn't willing to stop with these one on one hang outs that just means she's not that into you. When people are really into someone, exes, hang outs, even close friends get dumped just to spend time with their new found love. Move on and meet someone that is into you and is excited about you. True. I wouldn't bother with the ultimatum. She already knows it bothers you and doesn't want to stop doing it. If you try to make her choose, she will either choose him or choose you but continue to see him and just not tell you about it.
Author longjohn Posted July 23, 2016 Author Posted July 23, 2016 We are dating but early stages. I phoned her tonight just to let her know that it bothers me she's "dating" her boss. She still denies it, so I gave her the definition of a "date" now she says there's other people going but slipped up and said he's picking "me" up at 8. I repeated that it's a date.. if it quacks and waddles I'm calling it a ***in duck not a moose. She did say she'd cancel if I wanted. I paused for a minute and said no and she happily carried on! I think she's invested in her boss emotionally and as has been stated isn't understanding the boundaries that should exist between supervisor and subordinate beyond the workplace. However I do understand people keep in contact outside of work sometimes I do it with a few female coworkers but that's 99% work and 1% come over to my house for a party that I never go to. I do lunch with female coworkers from time to time during work but never anything after hours. Apart from that one time but that was a conference and luckily I escaped her clutches before she had anymore to drink. Honestly I am torn in a way. I know she likes hanging out with the guy from what she's said and I do believe she isn't interested in him beyond friendship but I know men (I'm one of them) he's hanging around for friendship and maybe more if it's ever offered up. As has been said maybe he's missed his window and fell into the friendzone. Maybe he's still grooming hoping for a shot. I don't want to invest 6 months or a year into this then get told where to go as she takes off with her boss and I've told her this. I'm not the controlling type and wouldn't tell her don't do this or that. However I do have to say what's on my mind. I've just been burnt in the past 4 times out of 4 when in relationships with a ladies that's kept ex's around it's meant the ultimate demise of the relationship same for ladies that keep their male "friend" around. All I see with the male friend is a guy trapped in the lowest form of hell and I want to help him out.. the door by the neck lol. I've adopted a policy of not dating people who do this yet here I am with this lady.. number one believing her when she says she's only interested in me and number 2 actually liking her vs my standard indifference with most ladies.
SevenCity Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 This is inappropriate Ina personal and professional level. I can understand why she and he would want to do this, but it's too messy a situation to get involved in. If she was vested in you, she would dump the dates with her boss and spend as much time with you as possible. If she's not doing that, she is not vested. 1
joseb Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 She is dating him. They may or may not be sleeping together, I'm not sure I'd believe her given her changing story about it being just them/then other people. Even if they are not sleeping together (yet) it's still dating - look at all the people on here who insist on x months dating before sex. If you are happy multi-dating, you could keep her as a plate to spin and find better ones. But I'd put her down the priority list.
phineas Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 She is dating him. They may or may not be sleeping together, I'm not sure I'd believe her given her changing story about it being just them/then other people. Even if they are not sleeping together (yet) it's still dating - look at all the people on here who insist on x months dating before sex. If you are happy multi-dating, you could keep her as a plate to spin and find better ones. But I'd put her down the priority list. maybe i'm just old but "spinning plates" makes me cringe. I much more prefer the term juggling.
joseb Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 maybe i'm just old but "spinning plates" makes me cringe. I much more prefer the term juggling. I picked it up from Jabron, blame him
lana-banana Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 Is it possible any of this is due to the fact that, well, it's her boss? I agree the situation seems unacceptable, but maybe things got to this point because she didn't want to do something to displease him? She knows this is against policy; is she worried about professional consequences if she starts canceling on him?
elaine567 Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 If you don't like it and won't live with it, and she doesn't want to stop seeing her boss socially then, you aren't a match, are you?
smudge21 Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 She gave you a real chance to say how you felt by asking her to cancel and you bottled it. This really bothers you so why can't you be honest with her. If she means that much and is worth fighting for then make a stand and tell her direct that if she wants a serious relationship with you then she has to call off the dates with her boss. Don't pussy foot around it. Also don't run the risk of losing out and walking away from something that could be good if you spoke your mind. Nothing worse than regret. At least telling her direct you'll get a direct answer and you can either start a solid honest relationship with someone who respects your honesty or walk away and find someone who will.
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