Rebecca1990 Posted July 23, 2016 Posted July 23, 2016 Hiya im new to forums and such but thought id give it a whirl as im extremely anxious and worried about my current situation. Im 26 and been with my boyfriend for 8 years. We'be had our ups and downs while growing up together but everythings been great for so long now. That is until he started to pull away again last week. He suffers quite badly from depression and sometimes his stress can really get on top of him and he feels as if hes drowning in it. Wether it be work stress, friend stress, home stress or anything really. These last few weeks iv noticed his stress getting worse. I came to his on tuesday and that day after his dad coming home in a bad mood and his friends harassing him to come out, we decided to get out the house and go for a drive. I asked him to talk to me about what was happening and he said nothing feels quite right anymore. I asked if he ment with our relationship as well and he said he wasnt sure. I said that was probably not good id he couldnt give a proper answer and i asked if he maybe wanted to be able to chill on his own a bit, he then said that maybe we should have a bit of space apart for a while. We said he didnt want to break up, just have a bit of space to try and fix his own head. I completely understand that men feel the need to pull away sometimes and have a bit of space apart. Or go into their 'man cave' as people say. And i know deep sown its nothing personal to me and its just a way that they deal with their emotions. And with his depression, the feelings are so much stronger. Im really finding it hard though, as his friends are my friends and i dont really have many of my own to talk to and just rant to about my feelings. Which is why i found this forum. It hasnt been long since our 'space' and i havnt text him at all unless hes text me first. Which he has quite a few times daily. 2 nights ago he phoned me about 11pm while he was walking home quite drunk after having a few beers with his mates. He said hea been worrying about me every single day and asked how iv properly been and said that hes off to a festival with a couple of mates next weekend. I know when hes sad he'll make himself so busy. But i thought it was nice of him to tell me and to let me know what hes been up to in the days since our having space. But i am still left here feeling anxious, worrying and checking my phone every 5 minutes to see if hes contacted me. Wondering how long will this 'space' last and what if he finally decides he doesnt want me. No matter how much i know he needs space and sometimes its healthy in a relationship, it doesnt make it any easier and doesnt make the days go by any quicker. I just hate this anxious what if feeling that wint go away
smudge21 Posted July 23, 2016 Posted July 23, 2016 Hmm, so putting aside all the reasons given, he's now taking so personal time away from you to drink with his friends and go to festivals. I may be wrong here but after having had depression in the past I never really felt like partying hard during it. To me this sounds like he's out there living his life and you're the one stuck in, alone, waiting on him. Which one of you has the depression again? See what other people post about this but to me it just seems all a little off. 3
keiji Posted July 23, 2016 Posted July 23, 2016 I must agree with smudge. I've suffered from depression in the past, quite mild, fortunately, and even so I didn't feel like doing anything, never mind going out for drinks or attending a music festival. It sounds like an excuse to me. 3
todreaminblue Posted July 23, 2016 Posted July 23, 2016 theres a difference between needing space and speding time alone due to depression...and simply needing space from one person.....i dont feel he is being too honest with you on his motives......depression as other posters have noted make you not want to go out....anywhere...let alone a festival.....deb
elaine567 Posted July 23, 2016 Posted July 23, 2016 I could be wrong, but my guess is that he is only depressed and stressed when he is in the relationship, as he is torn. He has been in this relationship for all his adult life but he is a young man and he is no doubt going "Is this all there is?". The next step after an 8 year courtship is marriage and kids. He is most likely not ready for that, he still has wild oats to sow, but he doesn't want to pull the plug on such a long term relationship either, one that is probably pretty good. Hence why he is torn and so depressed and stressed. As soon as he is out of your sight and away from the pressures the relationship is putting on him, he is the life and soul of the party... He WANTS to go out and party and no doubt see other women too, but to do that he needs to leave you and that is so hard to do. He has thus decided to take an intermediate step - space - until he can pluck up enough courage to do it. 3
lana-banana Posted July 23, 2016 Posted July 23, 2016 Elaine is spot-on. He is trying to ease you into the idea of a breakup so when it does happen (and it will) it won't be such a shock. I don't mean this to suggest he's hyper-manipulative or anything. I am sure he's very worried about you and doesn't want to hurt you. But no one who is serious about continuing a relationship asks for time apart or suggests they "aren't sure" about a future together. The merciful thing to do is acknowledge things are ending and call it quits. 2
hakuna matata Posted July 23, 2016 Posted July 23, 2016 I am really sorry that you have to be going through this and I do not think you will like what I'm about to say. Reading your post literally gave me flashbacks back a month ago when my ex asked for the same thing after having done the exact same thing you did (going out for a drive to talk things over and him being indecisive on what was bothering him). To me, it sounds like he is torn about your relationship and is contemplating if he is really wanting to be in it. Him saying he "needs space... time apart to figure out things...doesn't know what it is" is really him avoiding the inevitable fact that he wants to separate from you. I know it pains you to hear me say this and please know that it is hard for me to type this because I was where you were not too long ago, that you need to break it off yourself with him because I do not think he is willing to do it himself. He has put you in limbo, made your life stress over him 24/7 these past couple of days, I'm sure you're emotionally drained and mentally exhausted from worrying so much while he explores life without the relationship to think about. Personally, I don't think he has given you a full explanation and frankly, I do not think he will ever unless you confront him. I know I personally wasn't involved in your relationship but to me, more than likely, he sadly either fell out of love and the relationship ran its course in his opinion or there may be someone else in the picture. Please take care of yourself. I understand fully how hard it is to stop worrying about someone you love but clearly he isn't showing you any consideration or worry either as he should very well know that asking for space is pretty distressing to the other in the relationship.
cookiecrumbles Posted July 24, 2016 Posted July 24, 2016 Sorry your feeling this way...its not healthy to keep feeling anxious or worried, he may have depression yes but what about your feelings...they matter too. Find out what you need right now (space/no contact/self-discovery) dont look to him for answers, you wont find them anytime soon, whats your heart telling you?
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