do you think it is worth the 2 hour drive to meet this man? ***Updated***

[Toodaloo]

It would be interesting if anybody has a story to share where someone became more interesting in time..it might inspire me a bit..lol:laugh:

 

chumley - no one has any of those stories because people just do not change... even more so after a *cough* certain age.

 

He is what he is. Time for him to go swimming in the pond again. Time for you to keep fishing.

 

Do not settle on this one just because what he wrote seems good. Heck I could write a whole heap of stuff - doesn't make it true!

[Zahara]

It would be interesting if anybody has a story to share where someone became more interesting in time..it might inspire me a bit..lol:laugh:

 

I have a story but unfortunately, they don't become more interesting. It doesn't change, infact it will start grating on you -- with the distance you're only getting a small dose of his "boringness" -- imagine having to deal with it on a bigger scale.

 

Trying to force things never works. It just feeds into your already insecure psyche and leaves you settling because you just have to have someone. And that never, ever turns out well.

[chumly]

I would love to get others input on a situation that some on here are already familiar with...

 

There is a man I met from a dating site back in July. He lives 2 hours away but we had both decided that we were going to meet as active friends and if nothing else develops we will remain as friends. There is a huge age difference between us..we are both adults but he is old enough to be my dad. The thing I like about him is that he shares my beliefs as an ethical vegan. Up to now we only met the one time.

 

Anyway, I thought we were just doing the friend thing for now but after about a week of normal emails he suddenly wanted me to start calling him every other day (even if it is just for a short while, as he said). He told me many times how much he enjoyed talking to me on the phone but I did not really want to do that because I never really liked talking to him on the phone. I felt we got along better in the emails and I did not understand why he wanted me to call him so much at this point since we only met once and we were supposed to be just friends for now. I also don't have much time to talk to people on the phone in the day due to my work so emails is much better for me unless someone calls me in the middle of the night. So I really could not do as he wanted me to with that.

 

He then wanted me to come out to his area and he would treat me to a vegan restaurant and for weeks on end I kept telling him I would go out there but something would get in the way and I would have to cancel the last minute or close to it..I felt really bad about this as he expressed in his messages to me how he was really looking forward to it and I was too but it was NOT deliberate on my part and then I eventually came to learn without realizing it that I had went through my savings after having lost one of my jobs..I have been struggling with very little money and trying to work all the time to make up for things so I had to cancel for the third time. He then wanted to come out my way but I was too depressed to hang out with anybody so I asked him to postpone it for now until I can get out of the situation I found myself in. I am wondering if he took all of this as rejection of some kind (but that was not my intention) and like I said, I felt really bad about all of it.

 

Anyway, one of the reasons I did not like to talk to him on the phone was due to him not only being very boring but also acting like an authority on everything, he did not come across this way so much in the emails though or in person when I met him the one time. Anyway, I usually did not say anything back when he said things that were completely wrong..I would usually just bite my lip because I hate arguing but he on the other hand seems to be very confrontational..however, in our last conversation I wound up correcting him on something, I dont normally like to correct people because I know that can be annoying too but I could not help myself with him this time. It was a very minor thing..he said that when Al Gore made the movie "An Inconvenient Truth" that it was NOT known that the meat industry had an impact on the environment. Of course this is so very wrong as this has been known for years. I did not intentionally mean to make him feel bad about himself but I told him that there were activists handing out literature outside the movie theaters when the movie came out giving out flyers on the topic since Al Gore did not mention it in his film..so I was basically telling him that he was wrong but trying to do so in a nice way, he became very quiet with me after I said this. I also felt a bit annoyed that he would also constantly give me stuff on veganism and expected me to give it out to everyone and would keep asking if I gave it to people and if I spoke to my mom about veganism and diabetes (since she has diabetes) but I dont like being pushy to people like that.

 

I honestly cant imagine anybody going veg after talking to him to be honest! If anything, he probably pushes people away..he does not have the right people skills for it..at least that is the way I see him anyway..lol.. Anyway, he ended that last conversation shortly after I corrected him but before he ended it I mentioned that maybe I would try and come out there one of these days soon to go to the veg restaurant, he said yes but I did not hear from him since...I guess he did not like that I corrected him like I did. I guess the reality is that I really did not like him romantically at this point but thought it would be nice to have a veg friend like that in my life so I am a bit disappointed on how everything turned out.

 

I am also trying to figure out what happened here and am wondering what mistakes I may have made?? I know I was wrong to cancel out on him all those times the last minute like that..but it was stuff that was really out of my control. I kind of feel rejected now but I am wondering is somehow he feels rejected by me??

 

I would be interested in getting others thoughts here, maybe an outsider hearing this might have a different perspective on what went on. Do you think I rejected him? or did he reject me? Do you think I was in the wrong in anyway?

 

Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. Thanks so much in advance.

Edited September 19, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
paragraphs ~6

[Toodaloo]

Chumley - your mistake was to think that a boring old asinine mouldy bloke is somehow going to be any different as a friend rather than a lover...

 

Don't waste time on these ones. You had doubts from the beginning. Next time listen to them. And to be blunt. He sounded like bit of a tool at the beginning anyway.

 

Stick with the ones you get on well with anyway. Then you have a chance of friendship and companionship...

[smackie9]

He's an old guy with old guy ideas so he's going to act his age. He isn't looking for a friend he is looking for someone to at least has sex with...he's a guy. You may have cancelled out on him legitimately but it didn't looked that way to him...come on put yourself in his shoes...you would feel the same way. There is no compatibility....who care if you both eat veggie...that isn't enough. Anywho it's just time to move on.

[Versacehottie]

Hi Chumly,

From my POV your mistakes were:

*Meeting guys on dating sites (I've said this before). It sends the wrong message and changes the intention of the original reason the person was looking to meet new people. You think you are dialing down the pressure but you are just making another sort of pressure cooker.

 

*Stringing people along in dating OR friend sense.

 

*Reluctance to be upfront with people

 

*Trying to passively control others

 

*If your own priorities shift (ie lack of funds and crucial need to fix finances) it's safe and fair to assume that it's not the best time to start up new friendships or start dating. You need to concentrate all your effort on fixing your financial and living situation in the near future so you can have a better base for dating in the more distant future. it's the best use of limited resources, in this case: time. Also if you can't pay for your own lunch or way to go meet this "active friend" you put yourself in shaky territory.

 

*Failing to make a determination at some point that you don't see even a friendship future with this person. So what who cares who was rejected first--allow yourself the finality that you don't want to date him romantically (and he may still be angling for that) and you can only imagine a limited friendship with him. Let it go.

 

This guy yes could be a bore and headstrong or whatever. You will attract those type of people into your life with your mixed signals, however. You can only change your part. The stringing along is your worst repeated mistake. That sends a mixed signal where people will keep trying and often try harder-it's a psychological thing. You need to make more definitive decisions. One clue would be that if you do not see a romantic future with this person AND you didn't see much of a friendship future with this person, there is not much reason to rehash. Looks like you got what you wanted. Your mixed signals were a sign that you didn't really want this person in your life--which is exactly what you got. Be thankful for that. Though you could do it in a much clearer, kinder way and cause yourself less agony. Good luck

[chumly]

Thanks everyone for the very helpful and interesting responses:)

 

You are all correct....I am not sure why I care since I did not really like him very much anyway. I just hate any form of rejection...even if it is from someone I dont like anyway.

 

I was willing to put in more time to see if my feeling might change if I spent more time with him but I guess I was not willing to put in the amount of effort he was hoping for.

 

Toodaloo...thanks for the great help;) You are right...I am not sure why I would think that my feeling would change like that. I should have listened to my instincts right away..I never really liked talking to him on the phone and I guess I just did not like him as a friend and certainly not a lover.

 

smackie9....thanks also and yes, you are right. I suppose when I put myself in his shoes I would probably feel the same way...I guess I would pick up that the person was just not interested in me, I see you are right.

 

 

Versacehottie..thanks for your usual help on this;) and as always your anaylisis is correct. I guess I brought about what I really wanted whether intentional or not. I did not like him, and not even as a friend and I guess he picked up on that. I suppose if I really liked him I would have made more of an effort to talk on the phone with him, etc. You are also right about making friends via dating sites, I am seeing that it is not very practical or realistic. You are also correct when you say I just need to step away from the whole thing until I am in better financial standings..I cant afford much of anything right now. Looking back I think I was more liking the idea of him (having an opportunity to travel out of town to visit someone, and having a vegan friend,etc) than the real him. I should not care who rejected who since I did not like him anyway.

 

 

Thanks again everyone for all the help. I feel better already:)

[chumly]

it is funny...I did NOT send him a regular email but I just realized that I accidentally sent a blank email to him by mistake on Sunday afternoon...but he did not even bother to respond to that.

 

I feel a bit more rejected now but like you said, who cares since I did not even like him anyway and he more than likely picked up on that. I guess there are certain things that are hard to hide no matter how a person tries.

 

My guess would be that he would probably respond back if I messaged him since he is older and usually older people are more mature but I dont know that I care to send him even a hello message at this point. He is just too annoying of a person to deal with. If he messages me I will be polite and message him back but I dont think I am interested in doing anything more at this point.

 

Thanks again everyone for the help with this.

 

I am really bad with this rejection thing.

[chumly]

I think one of the reasons why I keep analyzing if he rejected me is because I have this really strange logic in my head that it would somehow sting worse to be rejected by someone old enough to be my dad than someone young.I almost feel like if he rejects me then how am I supposed to attract someone my own age?? I know it sounds silly..especially since I was really the one who rejected him but that is the strange logic that plays in my head, if that makes any sense at all. I guess in a way I kind of want him to chase me more. I feel now like he was not as interested in me as I thought...again, I know this sounds bad but that is the silly thinking in my head.

 

I have the same logic in other areas as well...such as, if a really attractive person rejects me it hurts less than an unattractive person. I guess when they are really attractive I can reason it in my mind more and figure that the person just has so much to choose from than the less attractive person. Again, I know this probably sounds silly but this is what plays out in my mind.

 

So rejection from him hurts more due to his age compared to mine. I feel silly even typing this out ..especially since i was the one that really rejected him but I wonder if anybody can relate to this weird mind set??

 

Anyway, thanks again everyone for all the thoughts on this.

[Versacehottie]

I think one of the reasons why I keep analyzing if he rejected me is because I have this really strange logic in my head that it would somehow sting worse to be rejected by someone old enough to be my dad than someone young.I almost feel like if he rejects me then how am I supposed to attract someone my own age?? I know it sounds silly..especially since I was really the one who rejected him but that is the strange logic that plays in my head, if that makes any sense at all. I guess in a way I kind of want him to chase me more. I feel now like he was not as interested in me as I thought...again, I know this sounds bad but that is the silly thinking in my head.

 

I have the same logic in other areas as well...such as, if a really attractive person rejects me it hurts less than an unattractive person. I guess when they are really attractive I can reason it in my mind more and figure that the person just has so much to choose from than the less attractive person. Again, I know this probably sounds silly but this is what plays out in my mind.

 

So rejection from him hurts more due to his age compared to mine. I feel silly even typing this out ..especially since i was the one that really rejected him but I wonder if anybody can relate to this weird mind set??

 

Anyway, thanks again everyone for all the thoughts on this.

 

Ok, I don't want to feed too much overanalyzation on your part but I will answer the part bolded above.

 

This is not odd at all. You are picking people that are of a lower standard (so you think, due to age/looks/status) so that you will lower your chance of rejection. It's a self-esteem thing. It hurts more because you feel they should be lucky to have you. It's trying to control all outcomes and possibility of rejection and it hurts worse because you are presuming they are beneath you in some way therefore will not reject you. Thus when they do, you have CONFIRMATION that even this LESSER person is not interested thus you are really a failure (that's what is going on in your head).

 

I go back to my first ever post to you: you need to get more comfortable with taking risks and not trying to control everything (passively, by avoiding, by setting limitations that are unreasonable, by stalling). Anyway, not odd at all.

[chumly]

Ok, I don't want to feed too much overanalyzation on your part but I will answer the part bolded above.

 

This is not odd at all. You are picking people that are of a lower standard (so you think, due to age/looks/status) so that you will lower your chance of rejection. It's a self-esteem thing. It hurts more because you feel they should be lucky to have you. It's trying to control all outcomes and possibility of rejection and it hurts worse because you are presuming they are beneath you in some way therefore will not reject you. Thus when they do, you have CONFIRMATION that even this LESSER person is not interested thus you are really a failure (that's what is going on in your head).

 

I go back to my first ever post to you: you need to get more comfortable with taking risks and not trying to control everything (passively, by avoiding, by setting limitations that are unreasonable, by stalling). Anyway, not odd at all.

 

 

thanks so much again Versacehottie once again, so are you saying the answer to my crumbled self esteem right now is to keep taking more risks and therefore rejection will hurt less because I will be more accustomed to it? Not an easy thing for me to do if that is what you are saying but it does make sense.

 

Believe it or not, I was kind of hoping that you and/or others would say that I am crazy in my thinking here and not confirm this so my self esteem would not feel as shot but I suppose this is all part of the low self esteem that I brought on my self...kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy:eek:

 

Thanks again Versacehottie for the terrific insight. I guess I have alot to think about.

[BaileyB]

Have you ever seen a counsellor Chumly? I think having someone to talk with would really help you. Cognitive behavioral therapy could really help to challenge some of your thinking.

 

Versacehottie is correct - you tend to rhumenate on things way too much. You need to stop analyzing and start living - go out in the world and take some risks. You just can't control things such that you will never feel hurt or be rejected - certainly not if you are trying to build relationships. You need to build your confidence and learn to live with uncertainty... The only certainty in life is that it is uncertain!

 

It will hurt way more not to take the risk and to live with the regret of a life not spent making social connections and doing the things you enjoy.

[chumly]

Have you ever seen a counsellor Chumly? I think having someone to talk with would really help you. Cognitive behavioral therapy could really help to challenge some of your thinking.

 

Versacehottie is correct - you tend to rhumenate on things way too much. You need to stop analyzing and start living - go out in the world and take some risks. You just can't control things such that you will never feel hurt or be rejected - certainly not if you are trying to build relationships. You need to build your confidence and learn to live with uncertainty... The only certainty in life is that it is uncertain!

 

"It will hurt way more not to take the risk and to live with the regret of a life not spent making social connections and doing the things you enjoy."

 

"It will hurt way more not to take the risk and to live with the regret of a life not spent making social connections and doing the things you enjoy."

......Wow!! thanks...I really like this...and that is sooo very true!

 

Great advice, thanks so much;)

 

Yes, I have thought of entering into counseling but unfortunately I have a hard time finding a good counselor. If I can find someone that can give me advice such as you have or Versacehottie I would go to that person in a second! You guys are fantastic and so very very helpful!

 

Thanks for all the great advice too. I have alot to think about.

[Versacehottie]

thanks so much again Versacehottie once again, so are you saying the answer to my crumbled self esteem right now is to keep taking more risks and therefore rejection will hurt less because I will be more accustomed to it? Not an easy thing for me to do if that is what you are saying but it does make sense.

 

Believe it or not, I was kind of hoping that you and/or others would say that I am crazy in my thinking here and not confirm this so my self esteem would not feel as shot but I suppose this is all part of the low self esteem that I brought on my self...kind of like a self fulfilling prophecy:eek:

 

Thanks again Versacehottie for the terrific insight. I guess I have alot to think about.

 

I think taking chances will probably help. Though it may not feel like it at first because it's out of your comfort zone. Taking chances is a self-esteem building thing. You felt great after making yourself go on the hike with this guy. That's what you need to be going for. Experiences that stretch and grow you, in your case.

 

What definitely will not work is trying to mitigate being hurt at all by choosing people you feel are flawed enough that they would be grateful to be with you under any circumstances or circumstances that don't serve them. It's like you back yourself into a corner, which actually leaves you more vulnerable because you are opening yourself to very few risks, thus they are weighted heavier. It's probably why you attached yourself so strongly to the guy in your other thread (let's not talk about him--we are talking about you!).

[chumly]

I think taking chances will probably help. Though it may not feel like it at first because it's out of your comfort zone. Taking chances is a self-esteem building thing. You felt great after making yourself go on the hike with this guy. That's what you need to be going for. Experiences that stretch and grow you, in your case.

 

What definitely will not work is trying to mitigate being hurt at all by choosing people you feel are flawed enough that they would be grateful to be with you under any circumstances or circumstances that don't serve them. It's like you back yourself into a corner, which actually leaves you more vulnerable because you are opening yourself to very few risks, thus they are weighted heavier. It's probably why you attached yourself so strongly to the guy in your other thread (let's not talk about him--we are talking about you!).

 

 

Thanks so much once again Versacihottie! I really appreciate your insight on this once again.

 

I agree that it did feel great to take the risk and meet this man! of course it helped that he did not reject me at the time and showed interest in getting to know me but I suppose if he did reject me I would have survived and gotten passed it just as I am trying to do now since he is in a slight way rejecting me at this point. Of course I am the main one doing the rejecting but he is taking a part in it too and it does not feel too good but I am trying to deal with it. I also now realize that maybe there is such a thing as chemistry with people...I guess that was what was missing with me towards him and it was nothing to do with his looks..he was actually attractive especially for his age. It was just everything else about him that I do not like. if he had a different personality I probably would have really enjoyed talking to him because everything else about him was great..I just did not like his personality, lack of humor, or energy and of course his combative attitude.

 

I was actually just thinking that I wonder if it might help both him and myself if I just send him a message and be honest with him that I did not have feelings enough for him to pursue things any further than a friendship with him and apologize to him for not being honest about things sooner. I wonder if I did this if it might bring closure instead of me wondering if he is going to email me again or call and what to say then, etc, etc.

 

I was going through his emails and realized that he had always wanted to talk to me on the phone and made many attempts to both get me to call him and to see me. He even went so far to say in one of his emails to me that he feels he cant get emotionally closer to me just through emails. I just did not feel the same. I guess it is obvious as I look through the messages that he had feelings for me beyond friendship. Maybe I owe it to him and myself to just be honest. Perhaps we can even remain distant friends if he is still interested in that...but very distant since I am not interested enough in him for anything further.

 

Anyway, just wondering if you think this would be a good idea Versacihottie? I am thinking it might put some kind of closure to things. I almost feel better already just thinking of doing it. What do you think?

 

Thanks once again for all your terrific insight! I really need to pay you for all this terrific advice! You are so smart! Thanks again:)

[JewelD]

Thanks so much once again Versacihottie! I really appreciate your insight on this once again.

 

I agree that it did feel great to take the risk and meet this man! of course it helped that he did not reject me at the time and showed interest in getting to know me but I suppose if he did reject me I would have survived and gotten passed it just as I am trying to do now since he is in a slight way rejecting me at this point. Of course I am the main one doing the rejecting but he is taking a part in it too and it does not feel too good but I am trying to deal with it. I also now realize that maybe there is such a thing as chemistry with people...I guess that was what was missing with me towards him and it was nothing to do with his looks..he was actually attractive especially for his age. It was just everything else about him that I do not like. if he had a different personality I probably would have really enjoyed talking to him because everything else about him was great..I just did not like his personality, lack of humor, or energy and of course his combative attitude.

 

I was actually just thinking that I wonder if it might help both him and myself if I just send him a message and be honest with him that I did not have feelings enough for him to pursue things any further than a friendship with him and apologize to him for not being honest about things sooner. I wonder if I did this if it might bring closure instead of me wondering if he is going to email me again or call and what to say then, etc, etc.

 

I was going through his emails and realized that he had always wanted to talk to me on the phone and made many attempts to both get me to call him and to see me. He even went so far to say in one of his emails to me that he feels he cant get emotionally closer to me just through emails. I just did not feel the same. I guess it is obvious as I look through the messages that he had feelings for me beyond friendship. Maybe I owe it to him and myself to just be honest. Perhaps we can even remain distant friends if he is still interested in that...but very distant since I am not interested enough in him for anything further.

 

Anyway, just wondering if you think this would be a good idea Versacihottie? I am thinking it might put some kind of closure to things. I almost feel better already just thinking of doing it. What do you think?

 

Thanks once again for all your terrific insight! I really need to pay you for all this terrific advice! You are so smart! Thanks again:)

 

But you have already admitted to yourself that you do not like him and that your self esteem took a hit from the rejection from an old guy. It had nothing to do with him, but the rejection itself.

 

Therefore, you continuing to reach out to him is an attempt to seek some sort of validation that you don't need from this old geezer. He's probably tired of the shenanigans and has caught on that you don't like him. If you reach out and he rejects you again or just flat out ignores you, you're going to be back at square one.

 

I'd just leave it alone. Neither of you owe each other anything.

[Versacehottie]

But you have already admitted to yourself that you do not like him and that your self esteem took a hit from the rejection from an old guy. It had nothing to do with him, but the rejection itself.

 

Therefore, you continuing to reach out to him is an attempt to seek some sort of validation

 

I agree. You are bargaining with yourself, OP. I feel like for you the word closure (which I am not fond of anyway), is just an attempt for you to have the last word. What purpose does it serve to tell him after he has seemingly rejected you that you are definitively rejecting him now. You need to find a way to create closure in your own brain.

 

The closure can be that you didn't want a relationship with him so letting him have the last word is fine. Rise above. The self-esteem you can gain from GIVING it to yourself, such as HOW you choose to characterize the things that go on in your life is really important. You can give yourself more than EVER having the last word with him will do.

 

I also think it's another version of your wish-washy activities and stringing someone along. Trust me, if it's over, no one really wants to talk to the other person--unless they want validation, ego-boost or last word. You met him once there is not much to have "closure" with him about--only yourself.

 

And interesting that you said he was trying to get closer to you emotionally & you kinda blocked that (both from happening and from memory, it appears). He may not be dating material for you but I think it would do you some good to have some empathy. I have to say for such a nice person (which you seem to be) the issues and your insecurity, etc is making you really self-absorbed. Sorry I've noticed it as a reoccurring theme in your posts. Sure you have been more than gracious to myself & other posters but guys you involve in your life, not so much. I don't mean to preach--it's just an observation that I think as a generalization, ethical vegans typically show more compassion for other people, no? I would just think it goes hand-in-hand with your belief system which makes me think your issues are overwhelming your thought process.

 

Even if someone is not your type, it doesn't mean he is undeserving of an answer. Especially since you've lead him on that you wanted an "active friendship". I think you really string guys along through your issues and indecision. I dunno, why not try to put yourself in their shoes? It's an idea.

 

Here's an idea how to get closure in your own head--not reaching out to him! Just tell yourself that you were not a match and he is picking up on the same things that you picked up on that make him not a match for you. On his part, there were the bad things you find don't make him dating material for you (he doesn't need to know those, they just don't meet your standards of things you want in a mate). On your part, you may be some things he doesn't find attractive (you don't need to know specifically what those are---you CAN take some clues from things he's mentioned to you. It's not just the fixed qualities about you that make or break a relationship; it is also how it unfolds--this is the second guy that has gotten fed up with your back and forth, stringing them along. It doesn't matter if you are picking guys that have "issues" themselves so you think they should put up with it. They both mentioned it. Lots of this thread have mentioned to you that it's not attractive. Start with an assessment of what you WILL and WON'T do next time. That's REAL closure. You can't seek validation successfully outside of yourself that you never give yourself.

[chumly]

thanks JewelD and Versacehottie for the responses. I really appreciate it:bunny:

 

Versacehottie...that is a bit tough to hear but I am listening. So are you saying that I should have just been honest from the get go with him and should have just told him that I dont like him in that way right away? Is that what you mean when you say I was unfair to him (and the other man). I kept wondering if I hung out with him at least one more time that I might feel different about him and that maybe he would be better in person since the first meeting was pretty decent but there was no getting around the fact that I dissliked talking to him on the phone immensely. Even a 10 minute talk with him felt like a horrible chore, I guess that is a good sign that he is not right for me. I do kind of wonder what it is that he did not like about me though other then finally voicing my opinions in the last conversation...something I did not do with him up until then. Yet, with all this he expressed repeatedly that he loved talking to me. He angered me with so many incorrect and combative things that he would say in conversations with me. It seemed like he would even try to start arguments with me sometimes. It is weird that he liked talking to me on the phone so much in light of all of this. I think I am angry with myself for calling him that last time. I did not want to but I did it because he wanted me to so much and now I am regretting it because he said more stuff to aggravate me. You are right...I guess I am now wanting the last word. He has irritated me so much that I not only want nothing to do with him but actually really disslike him at this point. He reminds me so much of a much more annoying version of my own mom...that is not a good thing:(

 

So Versacihottie, do you think if I work on my self esteem and approach I can find a better quality person than what I have attracted to me so far?

 

I know I have to work on myself and my financial situation now anyway but I hope that my love life will see better days in the future when I am ready for this kind of thing if I change my approach and improve my self image:(

 

Anyway, thankyou both once again for the insight...I really appreciate it.

Edited September 20, 2016 by chumly

[Toodaloo]

Chumley - why are you so scared of rejection?

 

We all get rejected all the time. That job interview, dating, making new friends, the cryptic cross word puzzle you sent of to try and win a prize of £50...

 

What I have learnt about rejection over the years is this. If and when people reject you its not always a reflection on you.

 

I got rejected for a job I really wanted. It seemed so perfect and I could do it really well. They hired me 6 months later and I was gone within a year after discovering that the company was managed by charlatans who were stealing vast amounts of stock and cash. I reported it, was bullied out of my position, never been so glad to leave! Horrific people! They are now know locally as "animals" and no one wants to work there. So I sort of wish that first rejection had stood.

 

Sometimes I get rejected in dating. Some of them I may sort of know about through friends etc. I then later learn that the person who rejected me is a complete ass who is not worth the air that he breathes...

 

Rejection isn't always so bad.

 

This guy only had one thing in common with you and that was that he didn't eat meat. Well Chumley there are millions of people that do not eat meat! Just because this guy is a veggie doesn't mean that he is also a good match in other ways. You didn't even like him! Why on earth are you then trying to gain some form of validation from him?

 

Stop trying to get attention from others. Instead try to develop your own sense of self.

 

I think Versace was harsh but also very correct...

[chumly]

Thanks Toodaloo for the very helpful post, you are right..I like your example of rejection and how sometimes it could be a good thing in a way.

 

 

Like I said, I am so aggravated today because I should have just listened to my feelings and not have made that call to him. He wound up saying so many annoying things and it would appear that he only liked me as long as I was agreeing with his arrogant statements that he would make about all meateaters being evil, etc, etc. As soon as I started firing back at him he lost interest. I guess I should be grateful to have such a horrible person out of my life.

 

Thanks everyone for listening;)

[Toodaloo]

Thanks Toodaloo for the very helpful post, you are right..I like your example of rejection and how sometimes it could be a good thing in a way.

 

Like I said, I am so aggravated today because I should have just listened to my feelings and not have made that call to him. He wound up saying so many annoying things and it would appear that he only liked me as long as I was agreeing with his arrogant statements that he would make about all meateaters being evil, etc, etc. As soon as I started firing back at him he lost interest. I guess I should be grateful to have such a horrible person out of my life.

 

Thanks everyone for listening;)

 

OK so now you know for sure that he is single and searching because he is ignorant and arrogant...

 

Tell me if a teenager spoke to you that way would you listen? No.

 

So cut him off and be done with it. The bloke is as your first impressions and really not worth it.

[Versacehottie]

thanks JewelD and Versacehottie for the responses. I really appreciate it:bunny:

 

Versacehottie...that is a bit tough to hear but I am listening. So are you saying that I should have just been honest from the get go with him and should have just told him that I dont like him in that way right away? Is that what you mean when you say I was unfair to him (and the other man). I kept wondering if I hung out with him at least one more time that I might feel different about him and that maybe he would be better in person since the first meeting was pretty decent but there was no getting around the fact that I dissliked talking to him on the phone immensely. Even a 10 minute talk with him felt like a horrible chore, I guess that is a good sign that he is not right for me. I do kind of wonder what it is that he did not like about me though other then finally voicing my opinions in the last conversation...something I did not do with him up until then. Yet, with all this he expressed repeatedly that he loved talking to me. He angered me with so many incorrect and combative things that he would say in conversations with me. It seemed like he would even try to start arguments with me sometimes. It is weird that he liked talking to me on the phone so much in light of all of this. I think I am angry with myself for calling him that last time. I did not want to but I did it because he wanted me to so much and now I am regretting it because he said more stuff to aggravate me. You are right...I guess I am now wanting the last word. He has irritated me so much that I not only want nothing to do with him but actually really disslike him at this point. He reminds me so much of a much more annoying version of my own mom...that is not a good thing:(

 

So Versacihottie, do you think if I work on my self esteem and approach I can find a better quality person than what I have attracted to me so far?

 

I know I have to work on myself and my financial situation now anyway but I hope that my love life will see better days in the future when I am ready for this kind of thing if I change my approach and improve my self image:(

 

Anyway, thankyou both once again for the insight...I really appreciate it.

 

I know it's tough to hear but I am surprised you are surprised. With both guys, you dragged out one date for a period of months to get to that stage. You had conversations and emails where you show interest toward them but then don't follow through. With this one, you changed the deal to friendship that you asked for and then were stringing him along about that. I'm not saying he was a worthy dating partner for you only that you have to take responsibility for your part in the frustration. I dunno, I also wouldn't keep talking to someone that I find the awful things you NOW seem to have come to the conclusion he is. Before he rejected you, you said he was a nice man even though you were not romantically attracted to him. So which is it?

 

Sounds like the rejection has given you the clarity about some unpleasant things about him that you chose to mostly ignore or put to the side, in order to have the hope of a friendship or possibly more. Same as the other guy. Now you are swinging wildly to the other end bashing him. It's not very mature and I think I remember how old you are. He can be all those negative things but he didn't do anything to you--other than torture you with some phone calls, that you put yourself in the line of fire for. that's why I am saying take responsibility. have a more measured response to things. Ok, so it takes you a longer than normal to discover someone's personality. So you gave this guy a chance. Not for you, next. It was one date in July and messages for months, you did this to yourself. Maybe you are actually upset that YOU waste so much time? He only wasted so much time because you feigned interest of some sort and strung him along. It's not important to place blame to MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER. Neither of you deserve blame. It's not that kind of thing. You are just not right for each other. Plus if you were being honest with yourself, you said "FRIEND" so you aren't rejected.

 

It seems like you want things both ways. I really am disappointed that you can't see this. I don't think I am being that harsh (not going to jump all over the guy when you are playing a part in the situation & need to see that, as it is the only part you can change--i'm not about that) Reread your thread. I do think some of it is beyond the scope of what any of us can help you with.

 

Tough talk--why are you also being indecisive about a therapist? That should be a top priority vs figuring out why some guy you've put into the friendzone really rejected you or did you do it first. When you do find one, I don't think it would hurt to show him or her this thread as an example of the overthinking and indecision you go through and that you don't seem to even really realize it.

 

And yes absolutely, I think if you work on these issues (above^^^^) and your self-esteem, you will be able to attract a person who is a better fit for you. Dating is in big part a numbers game. You might get lucky on the first try but more than likely, not--so you are going to need to be able to take risks, such as going on the dates, in order to find a guy. You are going to need to get to that point with more people, more often, quicker. You are going to need to be more decisive and better in your assessments. you are going to need to move on and let people go so you will be open for the next, much quicker than you have. you are going to need to have a better sense of self and more self esteem to navigate the dates and rejections and relationships. Ok good luck chumly

[chumly]

thanks toodaloo and versacihottie..I appreciate the help.

 

I did get a message from him today just to say hello and he was trying to continue with some argumentative dialogue with me. I sent him a message back and told him that I think we should part ways as friends. I tried to say it in a nice way but I am not sure if there is any nice way to really say such a thing. I told him that there were too many differences and I told him how I felt about his ways of promoting veganism and that I did not really enjoy our communications but it was nothing personal. I wished him the best of luck.

 

I think I was probably looking at him through rose colored glasses and only recently started seeing him in reality.

 

Anyway, I am glad that I ended things with him now and was honest with him.

 

Thanks everyone for the advice.

[Shorty Shortison]

OK well I don't really have any experience but what I'm thinking is - what are you talking about this as a freindship for anyway? I mean you think he's boring and a knowitall, you don't have any time or money to do stuff with him, etc. You don't need to go to a lot of trouble to hang out wit ha vegan I mean just go to vegan restaraunt or something! So far that seems to be the one point you guys have in common. Whatever he does should n't effect your feelings he's not really even in your life. I guess what I'm saying here is he is NOT a friend of yours, or a guy you are dating, so why are you even caring?

[chumly]

it is weird because I never had to reject a friend before like this. I kind of pride myself on being able to get along well with everyone. I guess that is not the case though.

 

This also made me rethink how I come across to people. I want to make sure I never represent veganism in the same way he was coming across.

 

I know I have problems and am not perfect but I am very willing to get help and acknowledge that. I honestly think that this man also has extremely serious issues but I dont get the feeling he is willing to see that. He once told me that a pyschiatrist wanted to put him on medicine but he refused it. He also told me he fights with his daughter all the time.

 

The more I think about things the happier I am that he is no longer going to be a part of my life anymore.