Got this text from my date. How to proceed?

[jen1447]

Well when you pulled back a little you showed that you won't just follow her around like a lost puppy dog. That's self-respect, and it's attractive to women. (Probably what made her give the "slow down" speech was she was sensing you were getting needy.)

 

Women have to be able to respect a man before they can really be all-in w them, which is why you see things like women "falling out of love" - they lost respect for their husband/BF bc they became complacent or w/e, and also the bad boy phenomenon - women are able to respect 'bad' guys bc they demand respect in their own dysfunctional way. That's a compelling trait and it can even weigh out against other really negative traits like abusiveness.

 

Obvs the sweet spot is to respect yourself and her. If you can pull that off and sustain it you'll generally have a woman's heart indefinitely, and in a very healthy way.

[NVO]

Something is bugging me about this situation and I don't know if it's worth bringing up when I meet her tomorrow, and if so how to do this without sounding like a crybaby. It's about the way she communicates with me.

 

Let me try to put it to words. I absolutely have no problem with the fact that she is dating someone else, because so am I. Knowing she dates other guys but also wants to keep on seeing me makes me feel confident. But the fact that she texts me every day, sending me 'Goodnight sweet NVO' stuff and more than one time telling me how much she wants to see me, just doesn't feel right. The thought that she sends me those texts one night and dating or sleeping with another guy the next makes me feel like I'm being played. Like I'm stupid or something.

 

Per example, the texts on Friday where she blurted out how much she wanted to see me again, that she wanted to experience nights like we had a 1000 times more, telling me she felt something different. That's super sweet, or at least I think so. But since we both have Tinder I can see that she updated her profile the Sunday after. Makes me question the value of those words, like she is just saying it to keep me around. Maybe it's because we have different standards, but I don't use those terms with every girl I date.

 

Maybe it's a sign of me getting too attached and it's time for me to back-off. But it puzzles me why I don't have any problems with her dating other guys, but get irritated by the way she treats me. Maybe it's just me...

Edited August 3, 2016 by NVO

[jen1447]

Have you considered the possibility she's polyamorous? That would explain chasing multiple romantic relationships at the same time. Might be sth to ask her about.

[NVO]

I think she is just dating around, which is fine. I'm just confused where we stand right now. Don't want to put her under pressure because at this moment I'm not pursuing a relationship with her but at the same time I'm not comfortable with how this is going at the moment. Can't say all those things she says do not affect me in some way.

[jen1447]

Ppl usually don't date around w great enthusiasm tho. I smell poly.

[NVO]

Ppl usually don't date around w great enthusiasm tho. I smell poly.

 

Haha, I'll trust your opinion on this one. But how do I bring this up in a convo?

[jen1447]

Haha, I'll trust your opinion on this one. But how do I bring this up in a convo?

 

Well you could do it the subtle way - on your date, talk about the feels between you (just gauge her attraction cues), and then, strange as it sounds, talk about the feels between her and the other dude. If she gets all whimsical both ways, she prob has poly sensibilities at least.

 

Just fwiw, coming clean about that to someone you perceive as not having the same leanings can be a very hard thing to do. You really have to make yourself vulnerable. (It'd be about like saying "NVO, this isn't easy for me to say but I really prefer it in the butt. What do you think about that?" )

[fenix]

Besides all the good advises here please make sure you use a rubber... she is probably not only dating other guys but doing more... so have fun but be safe!!

[NVO]

I need your advice again on this girl. Been with her again this week. And to be honest, it was great. Maybe too great. We were at her place, we had dinner together, drinks and snacks later in the evening and we were making out. She was on her period and she told me beforehand that she is comfortable with having sex during it. So although I thought we were at least having some foreplay, nothing really happened. Besides that we cuddled, slept together, went showering together, had breakfast together. You name it.

 

I enjoyed every minute of it. But because we did not have sex, it felt like we were behaving like a couple again. And getting to know her in this way, made me realize that she has a lot of qualities I look for in a girl.

 

I talked about what she expected from me when it comes to communication in between dates, because before our date she questioned if I was looking forward to it because I've been so silent. Again. I told her that I need that distance to prevent me falling for her (using the line Spiderowl posted before, so thanks for that haha). She understood, but could not give me a clear answer on my questions. She told me she doesn't know what she wants and when I told her I felt like she was sending mixed signals with her texts she admitted she is vague sometimes.

 

So I'm at crossroads right now. On one hand I like her and want to keep on seeing her, but on the other hand it feels like I'm fooling myself into thinking this can develop into something more. I tried this fwb thing, not sure if you can even call it fwb, but it doesn't make me feel comfortable anymore. I feel I want more and I have no problem with taking it slow but because she doesn't know what she wants I want to protect myself in case I get 'dumped' because she met someone that is relationship material.

 

What do you suggest I do? If I keep on seeing her, I guess I'll just keep doing the thing I'm doing now. But if I don't, how do I tell her I can't keep seeing her because she doesn't know what she wants and I don't want to be pushed aside as soon she meets someone that is relationship material without sounding needy or putting pressure on her to make a decision. I don't expect her to say: 'Yes I want to be in a relationship with you NVO.' But it would be nice to at least know if there is any possibility because I don't want to be around a girl that doesn't know anything about what she wants.

Edited August 6, 2016 by NVO

[joseb]

The fact that since you agreed you were fwb and have now gone there twice and *not* had sex seems really off to me. maybe she wants you as the cuddle guy, and has another guy(s) for sex.

 

Also, I'm not sure if you meant it that way, but your comment "now we are not having sex we seem like a couple" is pretty odd!

 

Anyway, she would really annoy me with this push pull wishy washy behaviour.

Edited August 6, 2016 by joseb

[lolablue17]

I'm sorry i didn't bump into this post earlier.

 

I feel that you make a big mountain out of a little fly. There was a moment, or several moments in which she wanted to be more than fair with you, because she wasn't sure about her feelings for you. So she didn't want to hurt you, (especially this drama queen wanted to give herself a medal for being so great in her eyes), and all that + some encouragement from her friends made her making the "We are not bf and gf" talk.

 

That's it! A guy who has a little more confidence, would have almost ignored it, or would have made the best out of it, while keeping as much contact as he wants + dating other girls. You should just not saying I love you, and not being jealous. That's it!

 

You give every word she says way too much meaning, as if she's a well known philosopher. She's not. She has no partition between her mind and her mouth, Which is very cute, but also makes her word not so important because she might change her mind every day.

 

In stead of letting this wayward unsettled fickle girl be the leader of this, why don't you try to lead it yourself? Do what ever you wish to do and let her wonder about your intentions. Reverse the situation. Be a man.

 

Instead of asking her "is it ok to come over next friday night?" you can say "I'm coming over this friday". Don't ask, perform, rule! This girl needs a leader, not a pussycat

Edited August 7, 2016 by lolablue17

[NVO]

I'm sorry i didn't bump into this post earlier.

 

I feel that you make a big mountain out of a little fly. There was a moment, or several moments in which she wanted to be more than fair with you, because she wasn't sure about her feelings for you. So she didn't want to hurt you, (especially this drama queen wanted to give herself a medal for being so great in her eyes), and all that + some encouragement from her friends made her making the "We are not bf and gf" talk.

 

That's it! A guy who has a little more confidence, would have almost ignored it, or would have made the best out of it, while keeping as much contact as he wants + dating other girls. You should just not saying I love you, and not being jealous. That's it!

 

You give every word she says way too much meaning, as if she's a well known philosopher. She's not. She has no partition between her mind and her mouth, Which is very cute, but also makes her word not so important because she might change her mind every day.

 

In stead of letting this wayward unsettled fickle girl be the leader of this, why don't you try to lead it yourself? Do what ever you wish to do and let her wonder about your intentions. Reverse the situation. Be a man.

 

Instead of asking her "is it ok to come over next friday night?" you can say "I'm coming over this friday". Don't ask, perform, rule! This girl needs a leader, not a pussycat

 

Yeah, you are right. I do overthink some things, but don't act upon them and that used to be different haha. That's why I like to post on here, so you can all read my weird thoughts and it's out of my system. I tried this fwb thing, it isn't for me. The mixed signals I got were annoying me. Just brought it up in convo. but not in the 'sit down we have to talk' way. Nor did I ever said I loved her or wanted her to be my girlfriend. I just did my own thing. Maybe I'm a pussy for not wanting fwb, maybe I'm not macho enough but I don't care. Didn't feel right, so why continue. From the moment I made that decision, I felt relieved.

 

Sunday, I asked her out for later in the week. She wanted to meet, but she said she did not wanted me to sleep there anymore. She felt like what we were doing wasn't fwb. Which is fine but I did not want to travel all the way for just a few hours every time. Might have been different if I had my own place so I could let her come over too or if she lived 10 minutes away from my house. But that's not the case, told her I'm not interested in fwb anymore and if she ever wanted to date me to let me know. She suggested to keep in contact, I said that's not going to work for me.

 

That was last Sunday but she contacted me last night telling me she did not like it that we are not talking anymore, she wants to eat with me, etc. etc. I told her again friendship isn't for me, but if she wanted to date me that's cool. She told me she just misses me a bit and doesn't like how that feels.

 

This one is just like my ex haha.

Edited August 11, 2016 by NVO

[sin miedo]

Yeah, you are right. I do overthink some things, but don't act upon them and that used to be different haha. That's why I like to post on here, so you can all read my weird thoughts and it's out of my system. I tried this fwb thing, it isn't for me. The mixed signals I got were annoying me. Just brought it up in convo. but not in the 'sit down we have to talk' way. Nor did I ever said I loved her or wanted her to be my girlfriend. I just did my own thing. Maybe I'm a pussy for not wanting fwb, maybe I'm not macho enough but I don't care. Didn't feel right, so why continue. From the moment I made that decision, I felt relieved.

 

Sunday, I asked her out for later in the week. She wanted to meet, but she said she did not wanted me to sleep there anymore. She felt like what we were doing wasn't fwb. Which is fine but I did not want to travel all the way for just a few hours every time. Might have been different if I had my own place so I could let her come over too or if she lived 10 minutes from my house. But I don't, told her I'm not interested in fwb anymore and if she ever wanted to date me to let me know. She suggested to keep in contact, I said that's not going to work for me.

 

That was last Sunday but she contacted me last night telling me she did not like it that we are not talking anymore, she wants to eat with me, etc. etc. I told her again friendship isn't for me, but if she wanted to date me that's cool. She told me she just misses me a bit and doesn't like how that feels.

 

This one is just like my ex haha.

 

Ah she doesn't know what she wants! My advice is to remain no contact (or at least don't initiate convo) unless you're on the same page - in other words going out on dates. That's what you want, so stay true to and respect yourself!

[lolablue17]

I met a girl (years a go) while I was married! She made me to understand that my love to my wife is over! Then I broke it off with my wife, and told this girl I love her (after 2 weeks).

 

She told me the expected... She's not sure, she doesn't want us to get too close, bla bla bla... I didn't ask her, I told her I love her so loud, so passionately, with so much confidence, and one night she was down and said - Go now! I don't want you to see me so down. I said - I'm not going anywhere. You're stuck with me tonight. Things like that.

 

Eventually she stopped resisting me, and carried away with me. She's my wife now for quite a long time.

 

I know, I took a risk, she could have hurt me bad... but i loves her so much, and took that risk with full conscious. Lucky me, it was worth it.

[jen1447]

Probably for the best rather than play around w the emotions time bomb.

 

Did you ever ask her about the poly thing?

[Redhead14]

Been dating a girl for a few weeks now. Everything is going well between us. From the start on I knew she had a party holiday planned to Ibiza, so I was not in for the commitment.

 

We went out for my bday. Took her to dinner. She bought me a gift. Later this week I called her to ask how she was doing and to set up a new date. She was busy but returned my call some hours later. She told me she would call me later that night, and so we spoke on the phone again for 20 minutes. We planned a date for next wednesday and wished her a good night. Great phonecall btw.

 

So the next morning I woke up to this text:

 

 

My reply:

 

 

Later that night she texted me about how my day was...

 

She told me she really wants to keep on seeing me, but I doubt it. Just doesn't feel the same anymore. I really like her honesty. But what a buzzkill. Because right now I don't know if she basically rejected me, or how to handle this. Any thoughts?

 

I never had a fwb thing, so it's something I would love to give a go. But how do you communicate with a fwb? I'm stuck at letting her come to me, or keep on going like nothing happened. She dropped down my list, and I'm not going to give her my full attention, not going to be plan B always waiting around. But on the other hand I want to keep on having sex with her because, well, she's hot and it was awesome.

 

Any advice on how to proceed or handle the fwb thing is welcome.

 

IMO, nowadays, most potentially long-term relationships go through, at least, a short period of FWB essentially. You start dating, you become intimate, continue seeing one another and until a mutual declaration of "commitment" is made, the parties are good friends having sex. Even when you've declared that you are boyfriend and girlfriend, you are now just even better friends having sex.

 

To me, the OP's scenario hasn't changed with her. She said she's not ready to be his girlfriend -- yet and he said himself he wasn't sure he wanted that yet either. It's only been a few weeks of dating her.

 

However, after intimacy, there should at least be exclusivity if you are dating with the goal of determining long-term potential. She doesn't even want that apparently which is what is causing the OP's dilemma.

 

Essentially, he's now attempting co-mingle dating goals -- he likes her enough to want her to be exclusive, yet he's attempting to settle for something less.

 

I say this to the women who find themselves in this position with a guy . . . if you have stronger feelings for a dating partner who doesn't want to advance things, it's best to walk away because it's very difficult to be with someone who doesn't feel the same way about you. It almost always ends very painfully.

[NVO]

Probably for the best rather than play around w the emotions time bomb.

 

Did you ever ask her about the poly thing?

 

I tried too but never really got there. I did try to test the feelings for other guys like you said. Can't tell if she has. Only thing I did notice was that she told me she doesn't send the 'I want to see you, 'I had a great time with you' & 'I want more of this' texts to other guys and kissed me afterwards. But those are just her words.

[WhirlwindGuy]

She sounds very wishy washy...I think you did well by telling her exactly where you stood and backing out. Im sure it still stung a bit, but at least you didn't get fully invested.

 

 

Sounds a whole lot like a relationship I got into with a girl a few months back. I wish I would have backed out early, but I allowed myself to get invested and then she dropped me out of the blue.

 

 

You handled it much better.

[NVO]

Thanks. Yeah, it was not an easy thing to do. That's why I told her I understood how she felt. I also miss talking to her, but that doesn't mean that I would go back just because I miss her. Actually, I'm proud of myself.