Got this text from my date. How to proceed?

[bachdude]

Just focus your attention on her boobs and her butt. Seriously. (For the most part anyway. I mean look her in the eye and all that but don't think of her mind and personality, just her body.)

 

 

I don't know how people can handle the FWB thing. I would get attached for sure. Sex is such a bonding experience for me, and so it is to many men I hear.

 

 

I swear, one of these days scientists are going to find a nerve or something that goes from the guy's Pepe to a region of the brain that fosters connection!

[jen1447]

I don't know how people can handle the FWB thing. I would get attached for sure. Sex is such a bonding experience for me, and so it is to many men I hear.

 

 

I swear, one of these days scientists are going to find a nerve or something that goes from the guy's Pepe to a region of the brain that fosters connection!

 

I agree actually - guys tend to be much more sensitive that way than they're given 'credit' for. Meanwhile women (who normally get all the credit) can be ruthlessly pragmatic about sex when it suits them.

 

Will do!

 

I don't mind if we don't have contact everyday. It's more that I don't want to get 'tricked' into thinking she will develop feelings for me by contacting me that often, calling me 'cutie' and stuff. I think I need some boundaries there.

 

I'll see what happens. In the meantime I'm just going to enjoy sleeping with her. If I get feelings, I'll back out.

 

Good boy.

[NVO]

Thought I'd give a quick update on our last date.

 

Went over to her place, she cooked a meal for us. She talked about a strange date she had earlier and I told her about a strange encounter I had with a girl from Tinder. After dinner a friend of her texted her and asked her to come over. She told her she was with me, but her friends wanted me to come over too. We discussed it and decided to go. She explained to me it was strange for her to bring me over because normally that's a sign that things are getting serious. I told her no problem, let's have fun.

 

On the way over there we talked about her text (the start of this thread) and I told her that I thought it came kinda out of the blue. She clarified that her friends pushed her into sending the text, because they thought that it would not be fair to keep me coming over there while I might be thinking that something more serious is going on.

 

The evening with her friends was fun, afterwards we headed back to her place. Thing is, whenever we walk on the street she almost automatically holds my hand and wants me to kiss her. I'm fine with that, but since the advice was not to act to much like a boyfriend I don't know if this was a wise thing to do. But, it just happens. Later that night we cuddled and went to bed. But, no sex. We just lay on her bed, cuddling, kissing and so on.

 

In the morning we came close to having sex, we both were really turned on. But I had to go to work so no sex in the morning either. It led to an amusing conversation though, where we found out we like sex in the morning more than sex in the evening. She made breakfast for me and even fixed my lunch for work (guess I really got lucky with this one haha).

 

When I left I told her I will call her after the weekend. But in the meantime she texted me several times how she really enjoyed spending the evening with me, she misses my company and that her bed still has my scent on it. Did not reciprocate much, just that I also enjoyed spending the evening with her. She also asked me if I did mind that we did not have sex. I told her I was fine with that, but it was what I was coming for. Stille enjoyed the evening with her though.

Edited July 29, 2016 by NVO

[ExpatInItaly]

Oh boy.

 

OP, how will you feel knowing she's sleeping with other guys too?

[NVO]

Oh boy.

 

OP, how will you feel knowing she's sleeping with other guys too?

 

Good question Expat. I asked myself the same question when I lay awake in her bed when she was asleep. To be honest I thought to myself: What did just happen tonight? Not that I'm feeling hurt, but the evening felt like we were a couple. We were acting like a couple. Don't know if I'm down for that under the terms of fwb.

 

But I don't mind that she's doing that. I'm not in love with her. I'm using protection so no worries about STD's. But the same day after I left she asked me if I could come over again that night. I declined saying I had to work the next day. And she is already asking when we can meet up again as I'm typing this reply.

 

She will be gone for holidays in two weeks. That will be a good moment to monitor how I'm feeling. If I feel that I'm sort of missing her or longing for her, I will tell her when she returns and contacts me. If not, I think I will tell her she has to stop acting like my girlfriend if she does not want to be exclusive. Just meet up and have sex. Because it feels like she is all over me and I need the space if I want to prevent to getting too attached to her.

Edited July 29, 2016 by NVO

[kgcolonel]

Good question Expat. I asked myself the same question when I lay awake in her bed when she was asleep. To be honest I thought to myself: What did just happen tonight? Not that I'm feeling hurt, but the evening felt like we were a couple. We were acting like a couple. Don't know if I'm down for that under the terms of fwb.

 

But I don't mind that she's doing that. I'm not in love with her. I'm using protection so no worries about STD's. But the same day after I left she asked me if I could come over again that night. I declined saying I had to work the next day. And she is already asking when we can meet up again as I'm typing this reply.

 

She will be gone for holidays in two weeks. That will be a good moment to monitor how I'm feeling. If I feel that I'm sort of missing her or longing for her, I will tell her when she returns and contacts me. If not, I think I will tell her she has to stop acting like my girlfriend if she does not want to be exclusive. Just meet up and have sex. Because it feels like she is all over me and I need the space if I want to prevent to getting too attached to her.

 

 

Good idea...this^^^^^^

 

Also, better start to do some self examination as to how you will feel if you learn that she is sexing with someone else....better to understand that now than later. BTW would you be game if she says that she wants to be exclusive???

[NVO]

Good idea...this^^^^^^

 

Also, better start to do some self examination as to how you will feel if you learn that she is sexing with someone else....better to understand that now than later. BTW would you be game if she says that she wants to be exclusive???

 

Thanks colonel.

 

I think I'm open to pursue something serious with her. But it's not something I'm occupying my mind with right now. I just try to be in the moment with her.

 

I am the kind of guy that can easily get hung up on someone. When I really like a girl I envision the house, kids and family. That's what I like about this situation, it teaches me to keep my feelings in check. In some way it helps me to deal with my insecurities and control needy behavior I had in the past.

 

I hope that makes sense haha.

[TXGuy]

 

In the morning we came close to having sex, we both were really turned on. But I had to go to work so no sex in the morning either. It led to an amusing conversation though, where we found out we like sex in the morning more than sex in the evening. She made breakfast for me and even fixed my lunch for work (guess I really got lucky with this one haha).

 

wait, what? You didn't have time for morning sex, but you had time for her to cook you breakfast and make you lunch?!

 

It seems to me you should have nailed her and grabbed a bagel on the way to work.

 

Also, cuddling all night without sex? I don't think you are doing FWB right.

[losangelena]

Thanks colonel.

 

I think I'm open to pursue something serious with her. But it's not something I'm occupying my mind with right now. I just try to be in the moment with her.

 

I am the kind of guy that can easily get hung up on someone. When I really like a girl I envision the house, kids and family. That's what I like about this situation, it teaches me to keep my feelings in check. In some way it helps me to deal with my insecurities and control needy behavior I had in the past.

 

I hope that makes sense haha.

 

It makes sense, but at the same time, it's kind of like ... why?

 

Not all people need to have FWBs arrangements. If you know you're the kind of guy who wants a wife and a family and a house, then why try and make yourself content with a relationship that is below that level? Just because you can have sex with an attractive woman who has blatantly said she's "not attracted to you as a boyfriend?"

 

This doesn't need to be some "lesson" for you to learn how not to feel your emotions. If you have feelings for her, I think it's a better idea to admit that (to yourself and her) and remove yourself from the situation. Go find a woman to sleep with who also wants you AS HER BOYFRIEND.

 

In my limited experience with FWBs (I've had exactly one), we decided upfront that that's the arrangement we both wanted. He was far from my ideal as a BF (he did drugs and sold them), so I knew there was no way I'd EVER date him seriously. However, there was still a natural chemistry between us (how could there not be), and hence, at least SOME affection. It wasn't a clinical "have sex and walk out the door" situation. But still, it wasn't like he was my ideal dude and I had to force myself to stay in the "casual" box.

 

I dunno, I feel bad for you, OP. Yeah, sure, easy, NSA sex with someone you dig, but ... does it make you happy? Is that really what you want from her or any woman? I guess a lot of men would say "sure!" but you sound like you're trying to talk yourself into it.

[NVO]

wait, what? You didn't have time for morning sex, but you had time for her to cook you breakfast and make you lunch?!

 

It seems to me you should have nailed her and grabbed a bagel on the way to work.

 

She made my breakfast and lunch when I was under the shower. When I finished I ate my lunch, grabbed my things and left.

 

Also, cuddling all night without sex? I don't think you are doing FWB right.

 

That's exactly why I felt confused when I lay next to her.

[TXGuy]

She made my breakfast and lunch when I was under the shower. When I finished I ate my lunch, grabbed my things and left.

 

 

Oh. That makes sense.

[NVO]

It makes sense, but at the same time, it's kind of like ... why?

 

Not all people need to have FWBs arrangements. If you know you're the kind of guy who wants a wife and a family and a house, then why try and make yourself content with a relationship that is below that level? Just because you can have sex with an attractive woman who has blatantly said she's "not attracted to you as a boyfriend?"

 

This doesn't need to be some "lesson" for you to learn how not to feel your emotions. If you have feelings for her, I think it's a better idea to admit that (to yourself and her) and remove yourself from the situation. Go find a woman to sleep with who also wants you AS HER BOYFRIEND.

 

In my limited experience with FWBs (I've had exactly one), we decided upfront that that's the arrangement we both wanted. He was far from my ideal as a BF (he did drugs and sold them), so I knew there was no way I'd EVER date him seriously. However, there was still a natural chemistry between us (how could there not be), and hence, at least SOME affection. It wasn't a clinical "have sex and walk out the door" situation. But still, it wasn't like he was my ideal dude and I had to force myself to stay in the "casual" box.

 

I dunno, I feel bad for you, OP. Yeah, sure, easy, NSA sex with someone you dig, but ... does it make you happy? Is that really what you want from her or any woman? I guess a lot of men would say "sure!" but you sound like you're trying to talk yourself into it.

 

I get your point Angelena. Does it make me happy? Yeah, it does. Does it make me happy because of her as a person or just because that there is some intimacy between me and her? I don't know. I'm about to find out soon.

 

Is this something for the long run? No, definetly not. That's why I evaluate how I'm feeling when she is on her holiday. In the meantime I'm just enjoying my life. I never had the experience of fwb before, let alone just casual sex. I would downplay that and keep looking for something serious. That's why I mentioned earlier in this thread that I want to experience something like this and that's why I'm doing this. If I meet someone tomorrow who is longterm material, I would cut this one off right away.

 

It's not like my whole world is evolving around this girl, I just wanted some guidance on LS on a fwb thing. Hence why I started this thread.

Edited July 29, 2016 by NVO

[kgcolonel]

NVO,

 

The way this is reading, it is beginning to sound like she is to some degree back pedaling on the FWB text. She says that "her friends put her up to it" and then she holds hands, cuddles and makes breakfast and lunch. These are all R oriented actions.....is this confusing you as much as it would me if i were in your shoes??

 

It might be worth a conversation with her. It also may be that her "friends" want her unattached for her holiday to be more free and available to "wing" with them while on vaca.

[kgcolonel]

ten characters

[NVO]

NVO,

 

The way this is reading, it is beginning to sound like she is to some degree back pedaling on the FWB text. She says that "her friends put her up to it" and then she holds hands, cuddles and makes breakfast and lunch. These are all R oriented actions.....is this confusing you as much as it would me if i were in your shoes??

 

It might be worth a conversation with her. It also may be that her "friends" want her unattached for her holiday to be more free and available to "wing" with them while on vaca.

 

Exactly my thoughts Colonel. I said I did not want to tie her down because I thought it would be nice if she experienced the holidays as a single lady. She went on three holidays with her friends before, but she was always in a relationship. She told me that it wasn't all about the holidays because she was loyal in the other ones too.

 

It is confusing because she is saying one thing but her actions say otherwise. And I will have that conversation if she contacts me after her holidays, sure will!

[anna121]

None of this sounds like FWB to me. It sounds like dating.

 

Proceed with caution.

[NVO]

Hey man,

 

The opinion of whether you have a good thing going or not is up to you!

 

If you want to continue being FWB's than that is awesome, just know that it doesn't sound like she will want a relationship any time soon and when she decides she does want one, it might not be with you.

 

If you see yourself catching feelings, than maybe break off the relationship.

 

Hope you end up well!

 

 

I know, she told me so and I will not believe otherwise. That would be getting my hopes up for nothing.

[Cherryz]

Hm, if you having sex with someone its almost bs to tell them or think you

wont get emotional with them.

 

FWB, is something that is becoming `in`lately by some people.

But its not the natural thing for someone to do or feel.

 

Somewhere there is feelings, maybe ligth or strong from both or one more then the other.

Otherwise you wont be able to continue open yourself to let the person do that most intimate thing with you.

 

If you not into FWB dont do it to keep her around.

Its a good thing that she told you what she is about.

Now you know if you want to waste time on her or no.

 

I think its better for you to date other people. And always at first date ask them what kind of relationship they are looking for.

[NVO]

Hm, if you having sex with someone its almost bs to tell them or think you

wont get emotional with them.

 

FWB, is something that is becoming `in`lately by some people.

But its not the natural thing for someone to do or feel.

 

Somewhere there is feelings, maybe ligth or strong from both or one more then the other.

Otherwise you wont be able to continue open yourself to let the person do that most intimate thing with you.

 

If you not into FWB dont do it to keep her around.

Its a good thing that she told you what she is about.

Now you know if you want to waste time on her or no.

 

I think its better for you to date other people. And always at first date ask them what kind of relationship they are looking for.

 

Thanks! And I do not intent on stopping to date other people.

[TXGuy]

Thanks! And I do not intent on stopping to date other people.

 

Please protect your feelings carefully.

 

Remember, she has told you she does not want to be exclusive and she wants to experience being single in Ibiza. Wrap that rascal.

 

Google 'Ibiza wild' As far as you know, she will be inviting a half dozen guys to run a train on her (with the video going on the internet - really, google it. It is out there).

 

You seem too sweet and straight (uptight?) to be running around with her.

 

We often hear of men being 'players' and how horrible they are. But you are in a similarly vulnerable & emotional situation where she seems to be playing you. Be careful, especially after she comes back from her STD riddled romp. Your life could depend on it (according to the fem-bot threads throughout this site who reference guys having sex on vacation).

[NVO]

I will.

 

I know what those holidays are like. Been there myself too haha.

 

Last night she texted me that she can't stop letting me know how much she enjoyed the evening and how much she is looking forward to seeing me again. She then went on telling me that this time something felt different for her. I asked her what she meant by different, and she replied that she can't exactly put it to words but she loved being with me and didn't wanted me to leave in the morning.

[spiderowl]

She wants to sleep with you, which is a good sign as she obviously enjoyed that. She's not attracted to you as a boyfriend, so something isn't quite clicking there for her. She sounds worried that you might get emotionally involved - I suspect you have given her that impression quite naturally and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

I don't think the above rules out that she might fall in love with you. It's not so likely because we don't know the reasons why she doesn't see you as a long-term commitment. The thing to do now is to back off and not put pressure on her in any way. Stay friendly but a bit distant. You could even tell her you are looking for someone who wants something more involved and definite but will look elsewhere for that.

 

The idea is to take emotional pressure off her. I don't know why, but it makes a huge difference to feel you can be yourself with someone while knowing they are not going to start trying to control you because they are emotionally involved. Being a friend (lover maybe) but keeping that emotional distance can be a good thing. She could become more attached to you as time went on, especially if the sex is good Don't bank on anything though.

 

I say the above because the one thing that scares me off really nice guys (who I may fall in love with in the long term, given a chance) is that they start to get too serious too soon. If I get the feeling they would fall in love before I did, I panic and back out. I don't want to hurt anyone. I would really love the chance to get to know a guy well and not feel this kind of pressure. It seems that guys are either 'casual' (don't give a damn for you) or overly serious (will start getting too involved and controlling). It would be nice to feel there was an inbetween state. The good thing here is that she does find you physically appealing or you wouldn't stand a chance.

 

I suppose, if I had to sum it up, ideally a guy would say 'I could easily fall in love with you but I'm not going to do that unless I feel you are genuinely interested in that too. We can just have fun and be great friends'.

Edited July 30, 2016 by spiderowl

[NVO]

She wants to sleep with you, which is a good sign as she obviously enjoyed that. She's not attracted to you as a boyfriend, so something isn't quite clicking there for her. She sounds worried that you might get emotionally involved - I suspect you have given her that impression quite naturally and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

I don't think the above rules out that she might fall in love with you. It's not so likely because we don't know the reasons why she doesn't see you as a long-term commitment. The thing to do now is to back off and not put pressure on her in any way. Stay friendly but a bit distant. You could even tell her you are looking for someone who wants something more involved and definite but will look elsewhere for that.

 

The idea is to take emotional pressure off her. I don't know why, but it makes a huge difference to feel you can be yourself with someone while knowing they are not going to start trying to control you because they are emotionally involved. Being a friend (lover maybe) but keeping that emotional distance can be a good thing. She could become more attached to you as time went on, especially if the sex is good Don't bank on anything though.

 

I say the above because the one thing that scares me off really nice guys (who I may fall in love with in the long term, given a chance) is that they start to get too serious too soon. If I get the feeling they would fall in love before I did, I panic and back out. I don't want to hurt anyone. I would really love the chance to get to know a guy well and not feel this kind of pressure. It seems that guys are either 'casual' (don't give a damn for you) or overly serious (will start getting too involved and controlling). It would be nice to feel there was an inbetween state. The good thing here is that she does find you physically appealing or you wouldn't stand a chance.

 

I suppose, if I had to sum it up, ideally a guy would say 'I could easily fall in love with you but I'm not going to do that unless I feel you are genuinely interested in that too. We can just have fun and be great friends'.

 

I don't know the reasons too. One thing I can guess for is that her last ex cheated on her very badly and she still has to deal with it since they bought a house together. Other than that, she's been in serious relationships throughout the last couple of years.

 

You really got a point with the emotional pressure. Maybe I gave her the wrong vibe in the beginning, because ever since I took a step back and let her come to me the dynamic changed. But other than that, I never tried to control her or anything. I guess I just came on too strong. Not in the way that I fell for her, but more in the way you meet someone new and it's all exciting.

 

Her texts last night got me thinking though.

 

Very insightful reply Spiderowl. Thanks!

 

We have planned a next date this Thursday. Dinner and sleepover. We both have the morning off, so I guess morning sex is on the menu.

Edited July 30, 2016 by NVO

[jen1447]

I think she's just quite naturally responding to your bounce in the other direction w a tug back in hers. Remember what I said earlier about wanting you exactly where it suits us.

 

(Also showing a little streak of independence is prob kinda exciting to her. Always remember the respect principle - you showed that you respect yourself and so she can respect you and now suddenly you're that much more viable as a potential. That's no coincidence.)

[NVO]

I think she's just quite naturally responding to your bounce in the other direction w a tug back in hers. Remember what I said earlier about wanting you exactly where it suits us.

 

(Also showing a little streak of independence is prob kinda exciting to her. Always remember the respect principle - you showed that you respect yourself and so she can respect you and now suddenly you're that much more viable as a potential. That's no coincidence.)

 

Can you explain that part about respecting myself Jen?