NVO Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 (edited) Been dating a girl for a few weeks now. Everything is going well between us. From the start on I knew she had a party holiday planned to Ibiza, so I was not in for the commitment. We went out for my bday. Took her to dinner. She bought me a gift. Later this week I called her to ask how she was doing and to set up a new date. She was busy but returned my call some hours later. She told me she would call me later that night, and so we spoke on the phone again for 20 minutes. We planned a date for next wednesday and wished her a good night. Great phonecall btw. So the next morning I woke up to this text: Dear NVO, I don't really know how to put this and if I'm thinking the wrong things or not. I got the idea you like me and even see something longterm as a possibility. But at this moment I'm not ready for a relationship. I want to enjoy my time as a single lady. I really like spending time with you and would like to keep on sleeping with you, but I don't want you to get the wrong idea. Because no matter how lovely the time I'm spending with you is, I'm not attracted to you as a boyfriend yet. I hope I don't disappoint you and if you still want to come over this Wednesday that's fine. My reply: That's fine by me. I was not trying to tie you down, especially with your holidays coming. I really think you should enjoy the holidays as a single lady. I don't know if I see something longterm as a possibility, all I know is that I'm having a great time when I'm with you. So I you still want to keep on meeting up, I would like too. Just hope it does not get weird or something. Later that night she texted me about how my day was... She told me she really wants to keep on seeing me, but I doubt it. Just doesn't feel the same anymore. I really like her honesty. But what a buzzkill. Because right now I don't know if she basically rejected me, or how to handle this. Any thoughts? I never had a fwb thing, so it's something I would love to give a go. But how do you communicate with a fwb? I'm stuck at letting her come to me, or keep on going like nothing happened. She dropped down my list, and I'm not going to give her my full attention, not going to be plan B always waiting around. But on the other hand I want to keep on having sex with her because, well, she's hot and it was awesome. Any advice on how to proceed or handle the fwb thing is welcome. Edited July 22, 2016 by NVO
Larryville Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 so you only want to have sex? and the problem is what? Not like you were going to marry her...
jen1447 Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 Don't be butthurt. She bscly just told you she wants to be a FWB (ppl don't say that if they don't want to) and you, while reasonably dignified, did come off a little hurt and uncertain. ("Hope it doesn't get weird" etc.) I think that's why she's drifted if she has. Way to proceed is like an FWB would. Don't be emotional and don't lavish attention or act boyfriend-y, etc. If you are emotional tho, you'd be best off backing out of this. And tell her that - you thought about what she said and you don't think you can totally take the emotion out of it. 2
Vado Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 She wants you as a friend with benefits, that's clear. Might be another dude in the picture she likes a bit more, but is not good in bed. Girls do this often, if they can't find a guy who has it all, they find their needs in a few guys (mostly not more than 5) 1 for sex, 1 for talk ('he's such a good listener', that one), 1 for resources (money, gifts), 1 for love (romance) and the father for her kidds ('oh, come on honey, he looks like you, though he has the same nose as the plumber who visited me nine months ago, that's just a coincendence, really') 3
JoeSmith357-1 Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 Might be another dude in the picture she likes a bit more, but is not good in bed. Girls do this often, if they can't find a guy who has it all, they find their needs in a few guys (mostly not more than 5) 1 for sex, 1 for talk ('he's such a good listener', that one), 1 for resources (money, gifts), 1 for love (romance) and the father for her kidds ('oh, come on honey, he looks like you, though he has the same nose as the plumber who visited me nine months ago, that's just a coincendence, really') And that, in a nutshell is what's wrong with dating today... 1
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 She flat out told you she's wants to have sex with you but nothing more. Set the next date and get it on. Seems simple enough to me. 2
preraph Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 To me, it's not at all clear she wants to be FWB. To me she just told you she's not attracted to you and wants to be friends.
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 To me, it's not at all clear she wants to be FWB. To me she just told you she's not attracted to you and wants to be friends. "..and would like to keep on sleeping with you.." What is confusing about this statement? 4
jen1447 Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 "..and would like to keep on sleeping with you.." What is confusing about this statement? Yeah, those words are like literally never said when the objective is to not sleep w someone. 3
Author NVO Posted July 22, 2016 Author Posted July 22, 2016 Don't be butthurt. She bscly just told you she wants to be a FWB (ppl don't say that if they don't want to) and you, while reasonably dignified, did come off a little hurt and uncertain. ("Hope it doesn't get weird" etc.) I think that's why she's drifted if she has. Way to proceed is like an FWB would. Don't be emotional and don't lavish attention or act boyfriend-y, etc. If you are emotional tho, you'd be best off backing out of this. And tell her that - you thought about what she said and you don't think you can totally take the emotion out of it. I also think I shouldn't have said that. Don't know why, maybe I was hurt in the moment. Still with the phonecall in my mind I guess. Oh well, nothing I can change now. I will proceed as an fwb and keep to your guidelines. If I notice I'm getting attached, I will cut if off. Nothing else to complain actually haha.
SevenCity Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 She flat out told you she's wants to have sex with you but nothing more. Set the next date and get it on. Seems simple enough to me. The complexity is the OP's feelings towards her. Yes, guys have feelings too. OP - I would recommend you either lose the feelings or lose her. You will get really hurt in the end if you don't do one or the other. 2
Author NVO Posted July 22, 2016 Author Posted July 22, 2016 The complexity is the OP's feelings towards her. Yes, guys have feelings too. OP - I would recommend you either lose the feelings or lose her. You will get really hurt in the end if you don't do one or the other. True. I'll meet up Wednesday and see how it goes and what impact it has on me. Like I said, never had fwb before so this is all new to me.
Michelle ma Belle Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 The complexity is the OP's feelings towards her. Yes, guys have feelings too. OP - I would recommend you either lose the feelings or lose her. You will get really hurt in the end if you don't do one or the other. Of course they do but the OP (again) clearly stated that he didn't see her as a long term potential anyway AND that he'd love to do the FWB with her. I'm not sure why all the concern or confusion. 1
jen1447 Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 True. I'll meet up Wednesday and see how it goes and what impact it has on me. Like I said, never had fwb before so this is all new to me. Just focus your attention on her boobs and her butt. Seriously. (For the most part anyway. I mean look her in the eye and all that but don't think of her mind and personality, just her body.) 1
kgcolonel Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 Of course they do but the OP (again) clearly stated that he didn't see her as a long term potential anyway AND that he'd love to do the FWB with her. I'm not sure why all the concern or confusion. MmB....Guys will sometimes try (not real well most of the time) to roll with the punches....I think he was trying to deflect and conceal the disappointment in her position. I too, like others see some emotions here and can't help but see a light at the end of the tunnel, (and it's not daylight) headed his way. But, hey, we all have had our moments of learning. I don't fault him though as when i met my now wife of 32 years, she told me that she loved and always would love her ex. I rightly or wrongly took that as a challenge....(I think the jury is still out...just kidding) Strange things can happen though, that is the "why we play the game of life".
Nightwriter Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 She wants you as a friend with benefits, that's clear. Might be another dude in the picture she likes a bit more, but is not good in bed. Girls do this often, if they can't find a guy who has it all, they find their needs in a few guys (mostly not more than 5) 1 for sex, 1 for talk ('he's such a good listener', that one), 1 for resources (money, gifts), 1 for love (romance) and the father for her kidds ('oh, come on honey, he looks like you, though he has the same nose as the plumber who visited me nine months ago, that's just a coincendence, really') Wow, at least it's not more than 1 of 5. Whew, what a relief. If it was 1 out of 6 guys, I wouldn't be able to feel special.
Author NVO Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 I followed the advice and since we already set the date before her text, I thought it would be wise to contact her a bit less. So in the last couple of days I did not initiate any contact, but she did on Saturday, Sunday and today. Today she also asked me if I am still coming over this Wednesday because she noticed I've been more 'silent' towards her since she gave her opinion on where we stand. Well, duh. She suggested fwb, so why act like her boyfriend? 1
jen1447 Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 That's cool but again, don't come off as butthurt. A butthurt FWB isn't attractive so she'll prob pass on you if that's the predominant vibe she gets. Just act cool/happy/carefree. If she says she wants to discuss at the date, be fine w that but mainly let her talk and just be like "I got it, sounds good. [smile]" 1
bachdude Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 OP, you sound emotionally invested in her. But I may be reading into it. If you are into this woman as more than friends, you will only get more attached through sex and setting yourself up for a good heart break here. Be smart. 1
Author NVO Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 It was not my reply to her, just my thoughts that I can put out here. All the interactions I have with her are fun. I've been acting needy in the past so I recognize these feelings and know how to stop them. I don't feel emotionally invested in her. Actually, she told me her opinion at the right time. Before I could get invested. I just updated because I don't get the logic some women use. First she wants me to back off, and when I back off she is craving for my attention. I'm just in for the fun and playing the field. Thanks for your concerns though. I appreciate it.
jen1447 Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 I just updated because I don't get the logic some women use. First she wants me to back off, and when I back off she is craving for my attention. We just want it all on our terms. It's a woman's world. 1
Author NVO Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 We just want it all on our terms. It's a woman's world. Haha, I get that Jen. I don't mind if we keep in contact less. Actually I think it's a good thing for fwb, or am I wrong? I get what people are trying to say that it's dangerous if I get emotionally attached. That's why I thought it would be better if I lay off with the contact a bit. I played the scenario in my head where it could happen that she or I end up with someone that is relationship material. The best way to not get hurt is by keeping this thing casual and just hit eachother up once a week or two. Do you think this is something that I should discuss? Or just follow my own plan by minimizing contact and just reply when she texts?
jen1447 Posted July 25, 2016 Posted July 25, 2016 Don't have a plan. Don't go out of your way to text her but be prompt replying when she does and be good-natured. Limited contact is usually good for FWBs, mainly bc that's the way it's usually done, but again you should pretty much just let it happen. If you find that what you let happen is you wanting to text her all the time, that means feelings and you should back out, but if you find it all flows naturally and you talk when you need to and mainly to arrange hookups, well that's how it's supposed to go. You can discuss it if you want, sure (communication is always good) but if you bring feels and baggage into the discussion she's likely to back off. (Except of course she's allowed to do that and you have to indulge her - see above. ) 1
Author NVO Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 Will do! I don't mind if we don't have contact everyday. It's more that I don't want to get 'tricked' into thinking she will develop feelings for me by contacting me that often, calling me 'cutie' and stuff. I think I need some boundaries there. I'll see what happens. In the meantime I'm just going to enjoy sleeping with her. If I get feelings, I'll back out.
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