outoftouch88 Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 So I have been dating my boyfriend X for about two months but we've known each other as good friends for almost a year. When we first got into the relationship I knew he had kidney failure and since I've had an aunt who suffered the same condition I knew what I was getting myself into. Well, two weeks ago even worse news came: he was diagnosed with stage 2 lymphoma. He gave me the choice to either walk away or to stay, and I was adamant on staying. Last Saturday he checked himself into the hospital in preparation for chemotherapy which was to begin Sunday morning. He refused to let me see him in the hospital, and he called me to "hear my voice in case it was the last time" before his treatment started. I waited to hear news from him and he finally texted me from the hospital Monday afternoon, but also dropped the bombshell on me that he wanted me as just a friend and not a girlfriend so I wouldn't suffer watching him go through the process. I was devastated because it happened through a text and secondly because he was already suffering from pain and I didn't want to stress him out trying to convince him otherwise. It was also the night before my birthday, but I didn't want him to know since he forgot and I didn't want to be selfish, but it came at the worst time. He has been sending me very conflicting messages. He tells me he misses me and he is hurt too, tells me thinking of me is what helped him make it through the chemo. He tells me he just put the relationship on hold but then got upset today when I saw him because I didn't hug or kiss him and "the only reason I got out of bed today was because I knew I'd get to see you." Now I'm so emotionally conflicted. He talks like I am still a girlfriend but then doesn't want a relationship because he doesn't want to see me hurt if he passes away. I understand how cancer screws with your emotions especially on top of needing a kidney transplant and knowing your time may be limited. A part of me wants to go no contact so I can heal but at the same time I am going to be wrecked if he passes away and feel guilty for never getting a chance to say goodbye. I wrote him a letter explaining my feelings as well as a way for him to have motivation for when he is down and he thanked me for the letter and said he needs time to get his head together which I understand. But when he called me and yelled at me for not hugging him or kissing him when I saw him it really hurt me because I just didn't know HOW to act. My impulse was to hug him and kiss him but my emotions wanted me to break down crying. I feel like some of the things he says aren't clear in his intentions and I'm just so frustrated with it, and on top of that he has to go for chemo round 2 this weekend. He is the type of man who shows no emotions and is extremely stubborn. He doesn't want me to see him suffering because he feels less of a man and thinks I deserve someone better than a man in a bed. He is having a hard time coping with the idea he may have to stop working as well. Any advice is appreciated.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 outoftouch88... First of all, he is not "terminally" ill. He has stage 2, so there is a decent chance that he can beat this. Try to give him some space. Take his lead as he is struggling with this specter and trying to keep it together for himself and you. He wants to spare you the crap that comes with his disease/treatment. But, in reality, he does need your support and care. It will manifest itself in anger, sadness, depression, etc. Just be prepared. Be prepared to be a support and positive as much as possible. He's going through a lot as you are. Be supportive. Be positive. Be there when he needs you. Be strong for him and for yourself. Good luck.
Poppyolive Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 This is a tough one. Sorry you are going through this, and I'm sorry to hear about his poor health and ongoing treatments. My advice would be is to figure out your role and set up boundaries. Don't get hauled in for the ride, so to speak. He has stated that he doesn't a girlfriend, I think you need to respect that. Usually no contact would be the route to take, but this scenario is different. So it really boils down to what is it that you want? Need? If you choose to stay around as a friend, make that very clear to him. And don't waiver. If you choose to go no contact, please take into consideration how you may feel if he does pass on. I truly think these are your options. Trying to make a relationship work within his health craziness is just too much. I'm sure overwhelming for him. His emotions must be completely out of whack, and all over the place. I'm sure you're scared and are hurting too, so make sure you surround yourself with friends and take care.
Author outoftouch88 Posted July 22, 2016 Author Posted July 22, 2016 outoftouch88... First of all, he is not "terminally" ill. He has stage 2, so there is a decent chance that he can beat this. Try to give him some space. Take his lead as he is struggling with this specter and trying to keep it together for himself and you. He wants to spare you the crap that comes with his disease/treatment. But, in reality, he does need your support and care. It will manifest itself in anger, sadness, depression, etc. Just be prepared. Be prepared to be a support and positive as much as possible. He's going through a lot as you are. Be supportive. Be positive. Be there when he needs you. Be strong for him and for yourself. Good luck. What I mean by "terminally" ill is more in essence due in part to being a diabetic with kidney failure on top of having cancer. His kidney's function at 39% and that's if he lives through the chemo with dialysis and a transplant if his immune system doesn't give out. Thank you for your kind words and input.
Author outoftouch88 Posted July 22, 2016 Author Posted July 22, 2016 This is a tough one. Sorry you are going through this, and I'm sorry to hear about his poor health and ongoing treatments. My advice would be is to figure out your role and set up boundaries. Don't get hauled in for the ride, so to speak. He has stated that he doesn't a girlfriend, I think you need to respect that. Usually no contact would be the route to take, but this scenario is different. So it really boils down to what is it that you want? Need? If you choose to stay around as a friend, make that very clear to him. And don't waiver. If you choose to go no contact, please take into consideration how you may feel if he does pass on. I truly think these are your options. Trying to make a relationship work within his health craziness is just too much. I'm sure overwhelming for him. His emotions must be completely out of whack, and all over the place. I'm sure you're scared and are hurting too, so make sure you surround yourself with friends and take care. Thank you for the advice! You are absolutely correct about the NC not being an option, because it doesn't matter if things end in flames or things end easy, he is a part of my life regardless and I would rather be at peace knowing he left with him still involved rather than block him out which would make me feel selfish. It's such a unique experience to be in since it isn't a "stereotypical" breakup.
TheGirl5 Posted July 23, 2016 Posted July 23, 2016 When he says he wants you only as a friend and not as girlfriend, it shows that he loves you and he feels like you deserve happiness which he is not able to give you in his current situation. The truth is that he needs you. Don't leave him in this point of time. Stick by him in whatever way you want and wait for things to get better so that two of you could be together forever. 1
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