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Trouble with girlfriends past..

Letsgobabyyy

By Letsgobabyyy
in General Relationship Discussion

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Letsgobabyyy New Member

Letsgobabyyy

Posted
Posted

Hello all.

 

I know this topic has been all over the place but i just wanted to write somewhere about my issue.

 

I have been dating a wonderful girl for about 6 months. She is very beautiful and I myself is a attractive person too. Whats been bothering me is about her past. While we were looking at each others instagram, i found a comment which was her ex and took a look. I didnt care much at the first place. It just pop-up in my mind sometimes but tried to ignore it.

 

But as time went by, I kept drawing images of my gf and her ex going to places together and having sex. I literally thought i was crazy and yelled at myself wtf am i doing. But as time pass my imagination got worst and started to research for help online. I found a lot of posts online that said talk to my gf about it.

 

So I did talk to my gf about how her past is bothering me. She told me about it and she said it was a very light relationship that went on only for 1 month. And she told me other details which was proved she really didn't like the guy. And i know she wouldnt lie.

 

The issue is, the ex still pop-ups in my mind. I try to stop it but it still comes back. Its my first time experiencing this kind of issue and I really want to know what I can do to overcome this.

 

Thanks!

  • Like 1
HumanMachine Established Member

HumanMachine

Posted
Posted

Everyone has a past. Get over it, she's been with other people.. So what?! She's with you now that's all that matters. Faiilure to get over your insecurities will result in her looking elsewhere, I can assure you.

  • Like 3
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

There is no real way to avoid this as the only people with no past are people who have never dated or had sex with anyone else and that virginity brings its own issues.

"Virgins" often end up wanting to experience other people, as they never had the chance to do so before meeting you. YOU will be on hot coals wondering if you can keep them interested.

I am afraid you are damned both ways.

 

You have to just get over it.

  • Like 2
PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

Posted
Posted

It's very easy to say "just get over it" and I am sure the OP would already have done that if he could.

 

If you talk to your gf then you have to make it clear that the problem is not with her past - which is perfectly normal - but with your brain. If you talk to her then it's very easy to blame her, to put her on the defensive, to make her feel bad or ashamed about her perfectly normal past relationships, or to make her think she has to lie to you because of your unreasonable reactions. It's very likely the conversation will end, "well I can't change my past so if you don't like it, jog on". You have to make it very clear that the problem is with you, not with her.

 

Look up retroactive jealousy. It is a very complex subject. I don't think "just get over it" is particularly helpful advice.

  • Like 1
zi11 Member

zi11

Posted
Posted
Hello all.

 

I know this topic has been all over the place but i just wanted to write somewhere about my issue.

 

I have been dating a wonderful girl for about 6 months. She is very beautiful and I myself is a attractive person too. Whats been bothering me is about her past. While we were looking at each others instagram, i found a comment which was her ex and took a look. I didnt care much at the first place. It just pop-up in my mind sometimes but tried to ignore it.

 

But as time went by, I kept drawing images of my gf and her ex going to places together and having sex. I literally thought i was crazy and yelled at myself wtf am i doing. But as time pass my imagination got worst and started to research for help online. I found a lot of posts online that said talk to my gf about it.

 

So I did talk to my gf about how her past is bothering me. She told me about it and she said it was a very light relationship that went on only for 1 month. And she told me other details which was proved she really didn't like the guy. And i know she wouldnt lie.

 

The issue is, the ex still pop-ups in my mind. I try to stop it but it still comes back. Its my first time experiencing this kind of issue and I really want to know what I can do to overcome this.

 

Thanks!

 

Don't bother with her past man. Been there done that. I've had the same issue with my gf. I was obsessed with her past (she only had two short relationships and no sex cause she is still a virgin). Those thoughts will kill you literally.

If those comments bother you a lot, why don't you ask your gf to delete her ex comments. I'm sure she will understand. If she loves you and cares about you, she will do anything, remember that. That is why I hate social media.

Lastly, if you already asked your gf to tell you everything (in detail) about her past, and if she was 100% honest with you, which is imperative in every relationship, please don't never ever talk about the past again EVER. Try to focus on your future as a couple by creating special moments and memories, forget about the past. Its dead.

  • Like 1
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Letsgobabyyy New Member

Letsgobabyyy

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Thank you all for your kind response! Really appreciate it and i feel way better letting my feelings out!

Edited by Letsgobabyyy
  • Author
Letsgobabyyy New Member

Letsgobabyyy

Posted
  • Author
Posted
It's very easy to say "just get over it" and I am sure the OP would already have done that if he could.

 

If you talk to your gf then you have to make it clear that the problem is not with her past - which is perfectly normal - but with your brain. If you talk to her then it's very easy to blame her, to put her on the defensive, to make her feel bad or ashamed about her perfectly normal past relationships, or to make her think she has to lie to you because of your unreasonable reactions. It's very likely the conversation will end, "well I can't change my past so if you don't like it, jog on". You have to make it very clear that the problem is with you, not with her.

 

Look up retroactive jealousy. It is a very complex subject. I don't think "just get over it" is particularly helpful advice.

 

You are very right.. I've heard "get over it" several times and tried it but it helped only temporarily.

 

I've been trying to find the "root" of this problem and you really helped me find the reason.

 

"Retroactive jealousy". I looked into this topic very deeply and figured what my cause was..Its funny that all the symptoms? of retroactive jealosy was exactly what i was experiencing! I kept digging into the "cause" of retroactive jealousy and found insecurity...self esteem and on and on.

 

I now feel way much better! Im really focusing on fixing the "root" of this issue instead of trying to force myself to ignore the images that pop-up.

 

Thanks buddy!

  • Like 1
Karinza New Member

Karinza

Posted
Posted

Unless she was a Nun she is going to have had past relationships.

 

I would guess the issues is you and not her past. I would suggest you find someone to work with that can help you clear your negative emotions and allow you to progress in a healthy manner.

 

I actually know a therapist that works with negative emotions and has helped a lot of people. But but I don't want to post his information here because I don't want to be accused of spamming someone's info. He works with people over skype so if you want his info contact me and I will send it to you.

 

Regardless of who you decide to work with...you need to work with someone. You need to deal with these emotions if you want to have a happy and health relationship.

Friskyone4u Established Member

Friskyone4u

Posted
Posted

Be m ore concerned with her FUTURE , AND YOURS, THAN HER PAST. You cannot change her past, and quite frankly, it might not be a bad thing if she did anything that would bother you BEFORE she met you than doing it now .

 

Just think, in today's world of sexting, hooking up, cheater apps, etc, and the way us men ENCOURAGE women to be more sexual in everything they do, worrying about her past is a futile exercise unless it involves criminal activity or substance abuse.

 

Open the lines of communication, talk honestly, and concentrate on what is in front of you, not what is behind you

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