Rambling Cathartic Rant about Sex and Honesty and Endings

[The_Onceler]

I will just state now: I don't intend to even TRY to keep this short. So, you've been warned.

 

OK. So, here is the deal. I have struggled with this, and the aftermath, for a long time. I still do, which is why I am writing it here. Where to begin?

 

Well, the big picture is this: about 15 years ago I met my ex (she has only recently become my ex). We were relatively young and started dating after briefly flirting at the gym. We dated for month or two, with her being adamant that we remain casual. She had plans to move cross country to CA, so she did not want to get entangled with me or anyone else. That was fine. We dated, enjoyed each others company, and had fun.

 

As fate would have it, I was transferred to CA about a month in advance of her planned departure date. Much to my surprise, she suddenly declared that she DID want to be entangled with me, and we embarked on a LDR. I move to San Francisco, and she move shortly after to San Diego. The LDR did not work out, and after a few months, we called it quits (she dumped me).

 

About a year later, she suddenly reappeared, professed her desire to rekindle things, and then she moved to San Francisco to be near me. I was torn - I missed what she and I had shared, but was wary of having been hurt, and I was in a fledgling relationship with another woman (we were strictly friends, but I could sense that she wanted more, tho I wasn't sure).

 

What ensued was about 3 years of tumultuous, on-and-off again dating. We finally had what I thought was our final split, and she moved back to the east coast.

 

I was home about 10 months later, visiting with family, when out of the blue she contacted me. She said she thought I might be in town (it was Christmas time), and she said she wanted to clear the air and get closure and that sort of stuff. Instead, we muddled the air by having sex. It was unexpected and exciting, but also confusing.

 

Most importantly, it was unprotected, and fruitful.

 

It was a month or so later when I was back in CA that she called to tell me that she was pregnant. After some initial shock and disbelief, we decided to keep the baby and take a stab at building a family. Ultimately, that meant that I changed jobs and moved back to the east coast to take care of her and the baby.

 

We tried, with differing degrees of success, to make it work. In a stretch of good times, we managed to unintentionally conceive again, and had our second daughter. In the 6 years since then, things have had severe ups and downs, and recently, we have settled into a not terrible but not awesome steady state existence.

 

Well, until she decided recently to leave me and start up with an old lover again.

 

 

But, all of this is just the framework for what turned out to be my biggest problem, and a huge problem for our relationship.

 

First, you might be shaking your head and saying, "Why did they have unprotected sex?" Well, by that time, she and I had known each other and dated extensively for years. Not only was she on the pill for the entire duration that I had known her, but she had been on the pill non-stop since her mother started her on it when she hit puberty. We met up that Christmas in 2007, and when we started fooling around, not once did she indicate that she had stopped taking the pill, nor did she suggest that we use a condom. This is not to say that I had no responsibility in the situation, but even so, I would have expected her to mention that little detail.

 

In the days after I had first learned that she was pregnant, I had asked her, "Why did you stop taking the pill? And why didn't you mention it?" She offered up various reasons for each, and in part she stated that her new pill prescription was making her gain weight (when she moved back to the east coast, she changed insurance, doctors, and meds). She said that she was sick of fighting her weight, and since she had no boyfriend, why be on the pill?

 

It was statements like that, made all throughout the years that I knew her, which made me assume that she was more or less like me - vaguely old fashioned, not inclined to one night stands or FWB or that sort of thing, and mainly interested in relationships BEFORE sex.

 

Now, flash forward a bit, to a new couple with two small children at home. A couple that shares their small space, and shares a computer. Imagine a pattern where you log on to check your gmail account, only to discover that your gf had left hers logged in. So, you log her out and log yourself in. Only, imagine on one such occasion, firing up the computer to find her email open, with a new email present with a subject line, "Still interested in hooking up?"

 

Perhaps I should not have - perhaps I would be blissfully happy now - but I could not help myself. I opened it up, and it was just what you would think. Some random dude from back in CA who had connected with her via Craigslist back in the day, who was digging through his old emails, looking for missed opportunities at a FWB. Now I had a thread, and I started to pull. Google had been nice enough to store virtually ALL of her old emails, so the thread was long.

 

While she had never technically cheated on me, what emerged was a picture that was wholly unlike the girl I thought I knew. Emails back and forth with so many men. Emails where she might say to him, "Hey, I know we aren't looking for anything serious, but I don't want to come over later, f_ck, and then leave. I want to hang out a bit first, and probably spend the night. If that is not OK with you, let me know.". Or emails where he might say to her, "So, I know you have that date this Friday, but I hope we can still get naked together at my place Saturday" etc. etc.

 

I learned that at one of her jobs in CA she was sleeping with no less than three of her coworkers. More or less at the same time. I recalled how, while she and I were obstensibly in a committed relationship, I went to meet her at work (a restaurant), and I had to wait a few minutes for her shift to end. She had the asst manager lead me over to the bar where the bartender gave me a drink while I was waiting. What ocurred to me while reading her various emails was that she had slept with that asst manager, and she had slept with that bartender (who was the boyfriend of her best friend), and the two of them both knew all of this, but I did not.

 

Or that later, when we were trying to make a go of a family, and we set up a baby shower to try to be as normal as possible, she invited to the baby shower another of these guys who was a regular 'booty call' of hers.

 

And I learned that in those months when she was off the pill, she was not alone and chaste, but she was sleeping with that guy and numerous others. She had hooked up with some of them so shortly before our Christmas encounter that I needed to get a paternity test just to be sure the baby was mine.

 

Phew.

 

OK. So, I don't mention all of this to be judgmental. Perhaps I would have judged her, perhaps not. What I can say is that, had she been as open and honest with me as she was with all of her casual hookups, I would likely have chosen not to become emotionally invested in her. I surely could not have coped with that at the time. I knew that about myself. Hell, I am not sure I could cope with it now. But what bothered me wasn't that she was promiscuous or not (well, that bothered me some), but primarily that she was not at all the person that she presented herself to be. She went to great pains to present the sort of person that she wanted to be (her words), the person she thought that I wanted her to be, but to hide who she really was.

 

And she has said as much since then - that everyone she knows, her family and friends, they are all aware of these behaviors, but it is only me who has a problem with them. Well, yeah! But primarily, I am upset because I am the only one who was kept in the dark. I had a very close friend from my time in SF who was outrageously promiscuous. I liked her quite a bit, and we spent a lot of time together, but I knew that I would never be able to be in a relationship with her, and that I don't easily separate physical intimacy from emotional intimacy. So, on those occassions when this other woman offered herself up sexually, I knew well enough to demur. I didn't have the psyche for it. And she didn't care either - if I was not up for a romp in her bed, there were other guys who were.

 

Sadly, my ex never gave me the chance to choose that for myself.

 

And I felt (and still feel) that so much of that was so disrespectful to me. I mean, to embark on trying to make a family around an unwanted pregnancy, and then to invite a f_ck buddy to the baby shower - WTF?

 

Or to introduce me to various guys, sometimes multiple guys at the same time - to introduce them as 'my friend', only they were more than just friends, the were lovers, and they were all aware of the score and of each other - but I was kept ignorant of the whole enterprise. I mean, one after another, I learned that men who she had insisted were 'just friends' were in fact men who she had had sex with over and over and over. I didn't need her to say, "This is my f_ck buddy Dave - he really likes reverse cowgirl!". But perhaps share with me, "I used to date Dave".

 

Am I wrong? Maybe I am just a judgmental prude and I am constructing a complicated rationale for my close mindedness. Its possible.

 

But I can't help think, had the tables been turned, my ex would have been PISSED at me.

 

Initially, I was literally going crazy trying to rationalize and process the new information (and deal with being a father and all!). Then there was a long period where I was HORRIBLE to her, where I was hurting and I lashed out to hurt her in return (verbally, not physically).

 

I was a total bastard. I was totally in the wrong.

 

In time I came to be at peace with all of the revelations, but along the way, I visited so much hurt upon her that we had a whole host of new problems to deal with. And now it seems that the sum total of all of our problems was too much, and now we are calling it quits.

[Mr. Lucky]

At what point during the relationship did you have this whole picture assembled? Would seem hard to have anticipated a successful outcome from that point forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

[The_Onceler]

At what point during the relationship did you have this whole picture assembled? Would seem hard to have anticipated a successful outcome from that point forward...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I stumbled upon that email while awaiting the arrival of daughter #2. Things got intensely bad immediately thereafter. We were in and out of therapy for a few years following that, but with limited success.

 

Our first therapist was a fruit (we both agreed on this). Our second therapist was good, but I was so hurt and angry that therapy sessions devolved into my trying to get everyone to agree that my ex was horrible - not a useful goal. That therapist relocated to another state. Our next (and last) therapist put her focus on my ex, attempting to unlock some of her deep seated issues from childhood. After a time, my ex went to sessions without me. The plan was to do that for a while, and then bring me back in. However, our therapist essentially 'dumped' us.

 

We stopped therapy after that, and seemed to be getting along OK until recent developments.

 

Over time I came to accept that I had no cause to judge her behavior. I didn't like it, and had I known I would have steered clear of a relationship with her before any of this started. Still, she had never technically 'cheated', and she was clearly devoted to the kids, and devoted to making the relationship work. So, we worked at it.

 

As I said, I came to accept things as they were. However, in the process, I had hurled many hurtful words at her. In time I came to realize that I was wrong to do so, and apologized, but in many ways, the damage was done.

 

Our sex life transformed from an intimate connection that we both loved to a point of contention, a tool, a commodity. She maintained that she wanted to feel like more than just a 'piece of ass', and that meant lots of wooing and courtship. I was all for that, but we had two small girls at home, and i was the only breadwinner, so I was working long and hard hours. To make matters worse, we had no family living near to us. So, we had little in the way of spare time or money, and not much support for babysitting and the like.

 

So, while I was on board with the idea of date night, she viewed date night as the only pathway to sexual intimacy. So, if we could only manage one date night per month, then I could expect sex once per month.

 

I of course wanted sex much more frequently, and didn't understand why we couldn't put the kids down for the evening, snuggle up on the couch for a while, and have sex. She basically said that she required more 'lead up' or foreplay, and essentially ruled out sex in terms of pure logistics.

 

I resented that. I couldn't help but think, "Wait... just a few short years ago, you were engaged with regular 'booty calls' with various friends and coworkers. Why are 'booty calls' off limits to me? These other guys were just folks you worked with or knew - I am the man who busts my ass to provide a home for you, who is committed to you and our kids, but my sexual needs hold no importance?"

 

Anyway, as you can see, things were never great after that. Even in the recent past, we rarely had sex - perhaps once, maybe twice per month. In contrast, when she decided to leave me and get involved with her old flame, it didn't take long before they were 'sexting' and she was sending him explicit photos of herself.

 

Sexting and sending photos while I was sleeping upstairs in the big new house that I had just bought at her insistence. So, yeah, I still have some resentments...

[Mr. Lucky]

So, yeah, I still have some resentments...

 

Rightfully so, though I doubt it's of little consolation.

 

I will say I don't think women are alone in adopting a (sometimes completely) different sexual persona than the one they exhibited in their dating lives. For both sexes, lots of complicated reasons this is so.

 

The good news is the world of sexual possibility awaiting once this is behind you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GorillaTheater]

I hope you don't have any doubts about whether you have the right to be thoroughly pissed off, because you certainly do.

 

 

On top of everything, I'd be wondering about paternity.

[SevenCity]

You have every right to be angry and hurt over this. Did you ever get a DNA test to confirm the kid(s) are yours?

 

She pulled the wool over your eyes and that makes it hurt even more for some reason. Like being duped makes it harder to get over someone because you are also angry with yourself.

 

It will be hard for you to take a woman at her word but try not to pre-judge as it will come off in your future RLs.

 

Best thing to do is cut her out of your life (as best you can with the kids) and find a girl who is not psychotic.

 

I wish you well in your journey.

[The_Onceler]

Thanks, everyone.

 

As silly as it sounds, it *is* nice to hear somebody say that I have a valid grievance. She essentially insists that my issue is just that I am naive and jealous at having never 'sowed my wild outs'.

 

In truth, I was hurt in some sense to discover that the world was not as ideal as I had imagined it to be. It wasn't her fault that many people were much more free, casual, and promiscuous than I had imagined - but she was the person that opened my eyes, and along with hating that new knowledge, I felt I hated her too.

 

I eventually got over that aspect of my feelings, but of course, there was still the anger at being deceived, and in my opinion, disrespected.

 

Also, there has always been the question (in my mind, at least) as to whether she intentionally got pregnant. She of course insists that she did not, and that she just happened to have stopped taking the pill, and then despite her numerous contemporaneous dalliances wherein she DID use condoms, for some unknowable reason she had unprotected sex with me during my brief visit home (twice, actually. My plane was delayed, she was working not far away, she suggested I come by to see her and have lunch, and we wound up having sex again).

 

I was actually deeply involved in my own individual therapy at the time, and I recall telling my therapist that I had asked her, "Did you PLAN to get pregnant?!"

 

He responded by barking out, "You DID?"

 

At first I thought he was aghast that I would venture to ask such a ridiculous question. Quite the contrary, he was impressed that I had gotten to a place where I had the temerity to ask. He shared that he would surely have asked the same question.

 

So, yes, I had a paternity test done for our first child. I guess I never figured I needed to check for the second child. At this point, though, they are almost 6 and 8 years old - even if they don't carry my genes, they are my daughters. I don't suppose I feel the need to verify...

[SevenCity]

Thanks, everyone.

 

As silly as it sounds, it *is* nice to hear somebody say that I have a valid grievance. She essentially insists that my issue is just that I am naive and jealous at having never 'sowed my wild outs'.

 

In truth, I was hurt in some sense to discover that the world was not as ideal as I had imagined it to be. It wasn't her fault that many people were much more free, casual, and promiscuous than I had imagined - but she was the person that opened my eyes, and along with hating that new knowledge, I felt I hated her too.

 

I eventually got over that aspect of my feelings, but of course, there was still the anger at being deceived, and in my opinion, disrespected.

 

Also, there has always been the question (in my mind, at least) as to whether she intentionally got pregnant. She of course insists that she did not, and that she just happened to have stopped taking the pill, and then despite her numerous contemporaneous dalliances wherein she DID use condoms, for some unknowable reason she had unprotected sex with me during my brief visit home (twice, actually. My plane was delayed, she was working not far away, she suggested I come by to see her and have lunch, and we wound up having sex again).

 

I was actually deeply involved in my own individual therapy at the time, and I recall telling my therapist that I had asked her, "Did you PLAN to get pregnant?!"

 

He responded by barking out, "You DID?"

 

At first I thought he was aghast that I would venture to ask such a ridiculous question. Quite the contrary, he was impressed that I had gotten to a place where I had the temerity to ask. He shared that he would surely have asked the same question.

 

So, yes, I had a paternity test done for our first child. I guess I never figured I needed to check for the second child. At this point, though, they are almost 6 and 8 years old - even if they don't carry my genes, they are my daughters. I don't suppose I feel the need to verify...

 

It's hard when a woman crushes your innocent outlook on life. It's even harder to open yourself up again only to have it happen again.

 

I'm not thinking it is worth it.

[The_Onceler]

It's hard when a woman crushes your innocent outlook on life. It's even harder to open yourself up again only to have it happen again.

 

I'm not thinking it is worth it.

 

I hope that one day I have cause to open myself up to a relationship again. If you mean to say that you don't think so, well, I hope that maybe in time you change your perspective as well - there is always hope, no?

 

But if you mean to warn me off from my ex - no worries. We are stuck under the same roof as we sort out her 'exit plan', but in my mind, she is already some other guy's girlfriend. We are amicable enough, but I am essentially just biding my time until she moves out (which she professes to want to do).

 

Meanwhile, if my girls are available, I spend time with them. If they are not, I get busy with my own interests (planning a 25 mile bike ride tonight!) and steer clear of the ex. It's easy enough to do, she spends most of her time glued to her phone or her tablet.

[SevenCity]

I hope that one day I have cause to open myself up to a relationship again. If you mean to say that you don't think so, well, I hope that maybe in time you change your perspective as well - there is always hope, no?

 

But if you mean to warn me off from my ex - no worries. We are stuck under the same roof as we sort out her 'exit plan', but in my mind, she is already some other guy's girlfriend. We are amicable enough, but I am essentially just biding my time until she moves out (which she professes to want to do).

 

Meanwhile, if my girls are available, I spend time with them. If they are not, I get busy with my own interests (planning a 25 mile bike ride tonight!) and steer clear of the ex. It's easy enough to do, she spends most of her time glued to her phone or her tablet.

 

I did - and yet here I am.

[The_Onceler]

I did - and yet here I am.

 

Oh, I see. Really sorry to hear that. Truly. My mother (twice divorced, alone now for 25+ years) insists that nobody should couple up, and whenever I muse about doing so *someday*, she yells at me to not be an idiot.

 

So, maybe she is right?

[SevenCity]

Oh, I see. Really sorry to hear that. Truly. My mother (twice divorced, alone now for 25+ years) insists that nobody should couple up, and whenever I muse about doing so *someday*, she yells at me to not be an idiot.

 

So, maybe she is right?

 

I wonder as well.

[MJJean]

She deceived you about who she is because she knew you wouldn't be involved with her had you known. That is deliberate, premeditated, fraud.

 

If you commit fraud against a person, you don't get to cry foul when that person says some mean things to you. That's one of those "you brought that on yourself" deals.