Ex - F Buddy or Friends What is Going ON here?

[Jayleebird]

My ex and I dated for about two years. It wasn't a brilliant relationship. He was very cold and distant. I always had a sneaking suspicion he was cheating or at least trying to cheat.

 

He broke up with me and we ended up as f buddies for a while. We both went to Uni. He met someone, I stayed single, hoping we'd one day get back together. We met one summer. He told me he was single. We had sex. It turned out after, he'd lied. We carried on having sex. It wasn't really an emotional affair at all. He would just have me round for a few hours for sex. He maintained he loved the other girl. In the end I found strength to break it off.

 

This girl ended it with him in the end. She never found out about us.

 

A long story short. We have been seeing each other every single weekend now for about five years. We go on holidays.We went on holiday for a week for my birthday. It was lovely. We go to restaurants. We've spent new years eve together. We describe each other as best friends.

But sometimes he is so cold. As we aren't a couple he refuses to see me more than once a week. He won't support me in my life choices. When I have to go to hospital, he doesn't come with me- he doesn't want to.

 

We have great sex. He hasn't been with another girl during this time. I have had sex with two other people- neither I was interested in pursing anything with. I told him about this. He didn't care. He didn't react at all. Sometimes he's so caring and lovely. If I get depressed or blue, he's made me dinner and looked after me.

 

He tells me he doesn't love me and never will. He wants me to find someone else and wants to be platonic friends once we both do. My heart breaks. What IS THIS? Are we friends? Are we exes who can't move on? Is he using me for sex?

 

Does he really love me but won't really admit it? I think he has real issues with commitment- whenever he seems to find someone he really loves he seems to almost screw it up on puporse (I suspected him of cheating on me- and he cheated on an ex with me).

 

I have told him that if he or I find someone else, we can no longer be in contact. I thought this would sort of 'jolt' him into realising he will completely lose me if he is adament he doesn't love me but he doesn't care.

 

I don't know what's going on. It's been five years of misery. I can't untangle myself from him. Times I've tried he's come back.

 

If he doesn't want me- why can't he leave me alone? Why can't I leave him?

[HumanMachine]

He's got you on a leash. He doesn't care about you or your feelings.

[Jayleebird]

He's got you on a leash. He doesn't care about you or your feelings.

 

Even though he looks after me when I'm blue? Goes on holidays? He is so lovely, sweet and thoughtful sometimes. For my birthday he got my something I'd always wanted since childhood. Just little things like that.

 

Why would he do that if he didn't...care?

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you need to cut the cord.

 

If after 5 years you two still have made zero progress, it's really time to move on.

 

You're not going to have a happily-ever-after ending with this guy. He will be gone as soon as he meets someone who really knocks his socks off.

[Jayleebird]

OP, you need to cut the cord.

 

If after 5 years you two still have made zero progress, it's really time to move on.

 

You're not going to have a happily-ever-after ending with this guy. He will be gone as soon as he meets someone who really knocks his socks off.

 

He just describes me as his best friend and said he would be extremely sad not to have me in his life, so would always want me as a friend whether he met someone new or not.

 

This actually sounds pathetic as I type it. I just believe it because of the lenfth of time and what we've been through--- all the holidays, meals, long weekends away, gifts...

[HumanMachine]

Even though he looks after me when I'm blue? Goes on holidays? He is so lovely, sweet and thoughtful sometimes. For my birthday he got my something I'd always wanted since childhood. Just little things like that.

 

Why would he do that if he didn't...care?

 

Unfortunately all you're doing is feeding his ego by staying with him. He knows he can do absolutely anything and you'll be there to fall back on.

 

Go nc, see how much he really cares then..

[ExpatInItaly]

Even though he looks after me when I'm blue? Goes on holidays? He is so lovely, sweet and thoughtful sometimes. For my birthday he got my something I'd always wanted since childhood. Just little things like that.

 

Why would he do that if he didn't...care?

 

You're way too convenient for him. Sure, he likes you well enough to provide some kind gestures now and then - but he's still keeping you in the Friend Zone. He can enjoy the benefits of a relationship without committing to you.

 

That's why he does these things.

[Jayleebird]

Wow. Thank you both.

 

I think when you're in it and feeling it- and right in the middle of it, it just felt like we kept doing this because we had such a strong bond. And that he really does love me deep down, he's just messed up.

 

I can't move past this. I don't want to end up alone. In the ten year span of this entire friendship/ex/relationship..f buddy thing... I've seen people get into relationships, break up, get married - even have kids!

 

And I can't seem to meet anyone even when I have tried. I am scared I'm not going to get past it.

[Zahara]

He just describes me as his best friend and said he would be extremely sad not to have me in his life, so would always want me as a friend whether he met someone new or not.

 

This actually sounds pathetic as I type it. I just believe it because of the lenfth of time and what we've been through--- all the holidays, meals, long weekends away, gifts...

 

You have to understand that there are people out there that can enjoy all the benefits of a relationship without the commitment. Holidays, meals, long weekends -- he gets sex, companionship, fun all without the need to be committed or responsible to you. It's convenient and easy. He's never had to put forth any effort so why would he decline an absolutely generous offer? Of course, he's going to keep coming back.

 

Now, when you are blue he makes you dinner. Is that the only speck of light in this? Is that how little you've come to expect for yourself? In the grand scheme, that means absolutely nothing.

 

Based on what he's done to you for 5 years, why would you ever think there could be anything more than just a casual/platonic/sexual relationship with him? He's been very straightforward with you.

 

1. He was very cold and distant.

2. I always had a sneaking suspicion he was cheating or at least trying to cheat.

3. He broke up with me and we ended up as f buddies for a while.

4. He told me he was single. We had sex. It turned out after, he'd lied. We carried on having sex.

5. He would just have me round for a few hours for sex.

6. He maintained he loved the other girl.

7. As we aren't a couple he refuses to see me more than once a week.

8. He won't support me in my life choices.

9. When I have to go to hospital, he doesn't come with me- he doesn't want to.

10. I have had sex with two other people- neither I was interested in pursing anything with. I told him about this. He didn't care. He didn't react at all.

11. He tells me he doesn't love me and never will.

12. He wants me to find someone else and wants to be platonic friends once we both do.

13. He is adament he doesn't love me but he doesn't care.

[HumanMachine]

Wow. Thank you both.

 

I think when you're in it and feeling it- and right in the middle of it, it just felt like we kept doing this because we had such a strong bond. And that he really does love me deep down, he's just messed up.

 

I can't move past this. I don't want to end up alone. In the ten year span of this entire friendship/ex/relationship..f buddy thing... I've seen people get into relationships, break up, get married - even have kids!

 

And I can't seem to meet anyone even when I have tried. I am scared I'm not going to get past it.

 

It's an absolute killer, i'm going through something very similar granted with a much smaller time scale.

 

"Why won't they be with me?"

 

"How can I make them want me?"

 

"They tell me they love me then the next day we act like strangers?!"

 

Those questions have been going through my head all day.. If it's not meant to be then we must accept it. DO NOT feed their ego by chasing them, they're more than capable to put effort in if they actually want you..

 

You'll find someone that appreciates and loves you, you seem like a lovely person.

 

Stay strong and focus on improving yourself!!

[Jayleebird]

You have to understand that there are people out there that can enjoy all the benefits of a relationship without the commitment. Holidays, meals, long weekends -- he gets sex, companionship, fun all without the need to be committed or responsible to you. It's convenient and easy. He's never had to put forth any effort so why would he decline an absolutely generous offer? Of course, he's going to keep coming back.

 

Now, when you are blue he makes you dinner. Is that the only speck of light in this? Is that how little you've come to expect for yourself? In the grand scheme, that means absolutely nothing.

 

Based on what he's done to you for 5 years, why would you ever think there could be anything more than just a casual/platonic/sexual relationship with him? He's been very straightforward with you.

 

1. He was very cold and distant.

2. I always had a sneaking suspicion he was cheating or at least trying to cheat.

3. He broke up with me and we ended up as f buddies for a while.

4. He told me he was single. We had sex. It turned out after, he'd lied. We carried on having sex.

5. He would just have me round for a few hours for sex.

6. He maintained he loved the other girl.

7. As we aren't a couple he refuses to see me more than once a week.

8. He won't support me in my life choices.

9. When I have to go to hospital, he doesn't come with me- he doesn't want to.

10. I have had sex with two other people- neither I was interested in pursing anything with. I told him about this. He didn't care. He didn't react at all.

11. He tells me he doesn't love me and never will.

12. He wants me to find someone else and wants to be platonic friends once we both do.

13. He is adament he doesn't love me but he doesn't care.

 

Oh I thought..... the dinner thing and him sort of looking after me when I get depressed was...something. Like, something really nice.

I don't know what I should expect. I don't think I've ever had a proper relationship and now... I'm in my late twenties...

[Jayleebird]

It's an absolute killer, i'm going through something very similar granted with a much smaller time scale.

 

"Why won't they be with me?"

 

"How can I make them want me?"

 

"They tell me they love me then the next day we act like strangers?!"

 

Those questions have been going through my head all day.. If it's not meant to be then we must accept it. DO NOT feed their ego by chasing them, they're more than capable to put effort in if they actually want you..

 

You'll find someone that appreciates and loves you, you seem like a lovely person.

 

Stay strong and focus on improving yourself!!

 

Thank you. I feel so ready and wanting to give myself to another person but I just... haven't found anyone and it's getting so lonely.

 

So I've attached myself to him because I do get a few glimmers of affection and sweetness and I guess I mistook this for love (but ... he didn't want to show it or something?) in total this entire mess has been 10 years! 5 years of this intense weird...every week thing.

 

Thank you though and I'm sorry to hear that for you x

[Zahara]

Oh I thought..... the dinner thing and him sort of looking after me when I get depressed was...something. Like, something really nice.

I don't know what I should expect. I don't think I've ever had a proper relationship and now... I'm in my late twenties...

 

Hun, anyone can make you a plate of food. You've lost all sense of standards and expectations for yourself that in this huge realm of bad, you've latched on to one little piece of good -- dinner. This is how desperate you've become in trying to find some light at the end of your tunnel.

 

Well, you don't want to invest more years in him because it isn't going anywhere. Deep down you know you deserve better but you are addicted to him. This is an addiction. You've lost your self-esteem and you believe this is the best you deserve in your life. And like an addiction, it's hard to break and detox from but the only way to do it is to cold turkey NC. That would mean blocking all access to you so that you get over your withdrawals and you make sure that he never comes around again to mess with your healing.

 

You know what a healthy relationship should entail. You do because if I your little sister or your best friend came to you and presented this story to you, you'd be telling them the same thing we are telling you.

 

And even if you don't know what a real relationship looks like, this would be a good time to end this and give yourself an opportunity to find out.

[Jayleebird]

Hun, anyone can make you a plate of food. You've lost all sense of standards and expectations for yourself that in this huge realm of bad, you've latched on to one little piece of good -- dinner. This is how desperate you've become in trying to find some light at the end of your tunnel.

 

Well, you don't want to invest more years in him because it isn't going anywhere. Deep down you know you deserve better but you are addicted to him. This is an addiction. You've lost your self-esteem and you believe this is the best you deserve in your life. And like an addiction, it's hard to break and detox from but the only way to do it is to cold turkey NC. That would mean blocking all access to you so that you get over your withdrawals and you make sure that he never comes around again to mess with your healing.

 

You know what a healthy relationship should entail. You do because if I your little sister or your best friend came to you and presented this story to you, you'd be telling them the same thing we are telling you.

 

And even if you don't know what a real relationship looks like, this would be a good time to end this and give yourself an opportunity to find out.

 

Thank you Zhara. I guess I thought... he was looking after me in a sense, therefore he MUST care about me. It's so hard- I've built my social life around seeing him every weekend, I don't really have many friends near me and to be honest- most of them are now in settled relationships, some even with babies now... we're not teenagers anymore.

 

I have tried dating in the past and ended up meeting some really quite nasty men. I have had two casual... whatever. But neither of those did anything and the men weren't interested in pursing me anyway, they both got what they wanted and went off with other girls. So I'm a bit jaded I suppose.

 

And this really is... as good as I have ever had because other guys have just had sex with me then gone off with someone else. I feel a bit weird about it all x

[Zahara]

Thank you. I feel so ready and wanting to give myself to another person but I just... haven't found anyone and it's getting so lonely.

 

Nope. You are emotionally broken. Your self-esteem is fractured. You are in no position to enter into a relationship with another.

 

You stay single for awhile. Focus on being alone. Get to a level of emotional independence. It takes effort and work. But the best relationship you can ever have is the one you have with yourself. Get to a point where you feel comfortable in your own skin, with being on your own.

 

People who jump from one relationship to another because they are lonely do so because they're trying to fill a void in them -- looking for others to make them whole and happy again.

[Zahara]

Thank you Zhara. I guess I thought... he was looking after me in a sense, therefore he MUST care about me. It's so hard- I've built my social life around seeing him every weekend, I don't really have many friends near me and to be honest- most of them are now in settled relationships, some even with babies now... we're not teenagers anymore.

 

But he's told you he doesn't love you or care for you that way. Anyone can make dinner for you and he probably does that to keep some level of investment from you. Give you a crumb and you stay begging for more. So, this would be the time where you cultivate a life outside of him -- a pattern you need to break. Break out from your dependence on him and grow. Spend another 5-10 years on this and what you think will happen?

 

I have tried dating in the past and ended up meeting some really quite nasty men. I have had two casual... whatever. But neither of those did anything and the men weren't interested in pursing me anyway, they both got what they wanted and went off with other girls. So I'm a bit jaded I suppose.

 

We've all dated crappy men. Sometimes one after the other. It's life. But you can't let that deter you from moving on and living your life. It doesn't justify staying in such a horrible situation. I'd rather go out there and take my chances then be stuck in a situation for years that keeps tearing me apart. And you're likely picking and staying with nasty men because you're so desperate for a man to rescue you from this guy that you're latching to whatever comes around.

 

And this really is... as good as I have ever had because other guys have just had sex with me then gone off with someone else. I feel a bit weird about it all x

 

This is telling. A possible cheater, cold and distant, liar, user -- the best you ever had. Hun, your self-worth is in the tank.