orn428 Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 (edited) Here is my situation, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me about 3 months ago now. We lived together for about over 2 of those years. We are very compatible people, we trusted each other completely, and we always supported each other, and had genuinely cared for each other. We still do. She never did anything to compromise my trust in her until the break up. Throughout our break up, we kept in contact regularly over phone, email and Skype. Maybe it was a bad idea, but we really had a hard time letting go of each other. I had moved out, and out of state at the time of the break up, and she had started dating immediately after I left. I found this out later, and as a result, my trust in her has been shaken a bit, I know for a fact that she did not cheat on me at any point in our relationship. I think mostly I am just hurt by the fact that she jumped ship so quickly. Now, I moved back to the town we used to live in, and I temporarily stayed with my ex until I found a place, and got myself set it. It was slightly dramatic to say the least. Long story short, we slept together a few times, she told me she hated me, she told me she loved me. It was the most dramatic thing has EVER happened between the two of us. Now, from my point of view and what I know, and the reasons she stated for the break up: #1: She is not at a point in her life to commit, permanency is one of her greatest fears. She’s a type A thrill seeker, out all the time. She’s very focused on her career and grad school. Which I respect and have always supported her. These were never really issues before between us, we have moved around a lot together. She has had issues with commitment, but I have always been able to reason it out with her, except for this time. (The above point slightly confuses me because, we had a shared lease, car, bills and bank account. We were a step below actually being married.) #2: My personal issues with depression, improving my personal life, and spending time doing the things she liked. I became a bit apathetic over the past 8 months. It was hard, especially for her to be around me like that. To come home to that. I didn’t enjoy going out with her over the past few months, I would complain, and be just crappy to be around. She told me I got boring and miserable. I slept all day. (I’ve spent a lot of time working on these issues, got some help from family, and professionals, and got my life together, as I am now living on my own and starting a good job.) #3: She told me she fell out of love with me (Likely due to the above issue) (That one was hard to hear, as there was a lot of love and trust between us for the longest time.) #4: She believes that we changed too much. We used to balance each other out. (I have the opposite personality of her. I am easygoing, I don’t stress on planning too much, I could always calm her down and make her feel better when she would panic or overthink herself. I did a bad job of that lately due to my issue. I feel responsible because I did somewhat abandon her emotionally and I feel horrible for it. She’s now almost completely shut me out of those aspects of her life, but sometimes when we talk they bleed through.) #5: She met someone “Challenging”. Now, I used to always be down to go on adventure with her, and I enjoyed them for the longest time, but because of how I became, she stopped even inviting towards the end. I know she met a guy who is basically the opposite of who I am, and she dated him for a bit immediately after I left. I am not sure if they are still seeing each other in that sense, and I really don’t care for my own sanity. I think they still communicate. Now, since even before I came back, there have been multiple mixed signals from her. I have been told by her on multiple occasions, that she hoped I could make it back so that we could repair our relationship. She’s told me that she still loves (and hates me at times). Wants to find a balance between what we had and what we want the next time around. She was the one who offered to let me stay with her. We spent a lot of time together since I’ve been back, and it felt like old dates we used have when we met. We have gotten intimate more than once, but she then expressed how it was purely physical for her. She got dressed up, left, and spent a night at what I can only assume was the guy’s house (when I was in her apartment, that didn’t feel like a knife in the gut, but we slept together twice the next day). She has told me Repeatedly, that: She misses me, She hasn’t found anyone like me, “Other people suck compared to you”, She feels alone, and that she’s pushed everyone away (including me). She got verbally abusive with me (For the first time since I’ve known her) the last night I was at the apartment, yelled at me. I went to get my stuff back two days later after I found a place to live, she apologized told me how alone she felt, said things like how were kind of stuck with each other, (which i agreed with) and we ended up spending the day together, getting lunch and making freaking plans for the weekend. And finally, she dropped the friends bomb on me, where she left it open to us getting together again in the future, but not at this time, because she’s not ready for a relationship. Now, I will say, she has always had problems dealing emotionally, and I have always been there to help her with that, but since I have been gone, she’s thrown herself into work, school, hiking, and has completely refused to process what’s been going on with us. She’s gone slightly robotic from my point of view. Every fiber in me is telling me to run far away and focus on my own stuff. Go NC and let it all sort itself out, but I am not entirely sure that that’s the best for my situation. Maybe I am a bit naive, but I feel like sticking around, and playing it out as the friend for the time being will work out in the long run. I do love her, and I want to be with her, but I care more about her being okay than getting back together with her at this point. I have had trouble forgiving her up until writing this out. I am trying to find a balance between what to do. I want to move on with my life, but I also don’t want to give up. Whats the best way to let her process? Should I disappear from her life? Low contact? Try and keep the friendship alive? Edited July 21, 2016 by orn428
kivan3x Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 oh man. I don't think there's an easy answer. what's the best way to let her process? probably space yeah. you love her and still want to be with her? then man, I don't know. My last relationship was on and off over many years, and we had a BIG split in the middle after several years but got back together and it was great again. well, for a while until I messed it all up, til it went sour again. til the original problems came back to haunt us. so man I don't know what's best.
SevenCity Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 One of the benefits of a breakup is no longer having to deal with her problems. They are no longer your concern - you have to work on you. Of course you still care - you love her. But unfortunately you will never move on whilst she is still in your life. Friends can be great if you would like for your ex to lose any respect she may have for you. Also if you enjoy hearing about the problems she's having with the guy she is currently banging (or how great it is). it's quite possible she hasn't deslt with the breakup yet. She sounds like she hasn't faced it yet and is dragging you along for the roller coaster ride of drama and emotions (or should I stay dragging you down). Leave, block her and force yourself to never contact or respond to her. At some point in the future you will become apathetic to her. At that point reach out to see how she is doing - but you probably won't care.
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