I caved...

[hermit]

I know what I’m doing is wrong... And there is probably no one more disgusted and disappointed at my behaviour than I am. At the moment I'm trying to figure out how I managed to become so desperate that I caved and fell for a MM - when it goes so totally against my morals...

 

I am almost 32. Most of my friends now are married or in relationships. Very few are not. And of the ones that are married or in steady relationships, I know that most have up to this point had a normal love life. That is to say, they have either married early – a college sweetheart, for example – or they have spent a few years dating around and / or having a few short-ish term relationships before finally settling down.

 

Then there are a few, myself included, who have had anything but. I have a friend who’s a few years younger than me. Approaching 30, she still hasn’t had a guy actually interested in any kind of relationship other than casual sex with her. She’s highly intelligent, educated, sensitive, kind and as far from a slut as you can possibly get. Yet, no guy seems to love or value her as a person.

 

I myself am in a similar boat – in my early twenties I was in love with a guy I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. He dumped me for someone else more than 8 years ago, and I have had almost no male attention since then, no matter how much I worked on myself as a person, socially, physically, spiritually, intellectually and emotionally.

 

All I got was guys in relationship asking me to be their bit on the side – and even they were few and far between.

 

Let me tell you, I have spent years trying to figure out why, asking for advice, even getting counselling. Basically, trying to better myself in any way I could; and above all, forcing myself to reject those few guys who propositioned me - because they were already taken.

 

Believe me, it is tough to reject someone (even if they are clearly an *******) if it’s been years since you have had anything even remotely resembling attention, let alone physical or emotional intimacy in your life and it feels like this might be your last chance.

Both my friend and I have found ourselves tempted, simply because a casual fling with a taken guy just seemed better than nothing at all.

 

For many, many years I managed to stay strong; I only really had interest from two guys during my more than 8 years as a single and it broke my heart to reject them because I was aching for some closeness – but I managed to do the right thing. As a result, I ended up totally celibate for six and a half years.

 

It’s tough to be in your twenties and into your early thirties – essentially your best years – and lead the kind of lonely and sexless life that is usually associated with very old age. There is a terrible sense of “you’re only young once, and that was it...”

And for many of us, in the midst of all this, the biological clock starts ticking too...

 

Like most people I just wanted to meet that special someone and settle down. It hurt to see everyone around me do exactly those things whilst I seemed to be completely invisible to the male eye.

 

I guess at some point I just broke down – I couldn’t uphold this extreme self-control anymore. I had denied myself any closeness or pleasure for almost a decade because I wanted to do the right thing. I tried to be realistic and stop dreaming of ever having a partner or a family. I was working on that.

 

And then someone came along – the first man to ever tell me he loved me, he missed me, he desired me.

 

I’m not proud. In fact, I’m ashamed. It only shows how sad and desperate I have become, that after the years of effort I put in, I couldn’t resist him and that some sweet talking was all it took for me to fall completely head over heels.

 

The fact is, it doesn’t take much to make a girl like me feel special and loved and like her life has just changed for the better. Give a beggar £10 and he probably feels like the richest man on earth - At least until the money runs out again.

 

I knew he was married – yet somehow he made me feel like my time had finally come... That my lonely days were over – that he cared, that I too was special, at least to him if to no one else - that I was the chosen one for a change, that I was loved... I’m ashamed to say I didn’t think of the wife – I didn’t think of anything at all anymore, as a matter of fact. I just felt – felt so, so loved, like I had died and gone to heaven, like my suffering was over...

 

In many ways what was happening didn’t even seem real.

 

Of course in reality the suffering was only just beginning all over. I feel terrible now. I know that now I actually deserve to be hated and shunned more than ever. I know that, despite my extreme efforts over the years to stay strong, I have had to realise - I’m actually weak and pathetic... So desperate for love...

 

I keep wanting to tell him that we need to end it... But every time he calls me and tells me he misses me and that I’m amazing and beautiful – I can’t. Because at the moment those words still feel like a healing balm. They are words I’ve been dreaming all my life to hear.

 

I hope someday soon I will gather the strength to tell him to stop... I hope I still have some strength somewhere in me to gather. I hope that one day soon I will feel ready to let him go, to face the heartbreak and carry on this lonely road – even if I know this time it might be forever.

Edited July 21, 2016 by hermit

[loveisanaction]

Girl,

 

I know how you feel and I can’t believe I’m going to say this but if it will help you...

 

I am celibate and have been for a very long time. I understand how it having men hit on you purely for sex; been there, done that. I am celibate by choice and let me tell you that yes, it does get lonely not having someone to come home to after work, it gets lonely seeing my friends getting engaged, getting married, having their first child, then second child then….(you get the gist). Just this morning I went out and bought yet another baby gift for a dear friend who just had a baby girl.

 

I wanted so badly to love and be loved and would cry and wail at how lonely I was. My Mother told me this; learn to love yourself. I didn’t even understand what that meant until she showed me.

 

Now, I buy myself roses, I take care of my health, i exercise, I eat healthy, I go to the movies, I get massages, I go on mini-vacations (yep, just me). I’m learning to speak French, I do all kinds of things by myself and I’ve told myself that with a man or without one, I’m going to have the best time of my life.

 

Having an affair with a married man is not the way to go girl. He’s still using you for sex, same as those single guys. No matter what he tells you, he’s still in it for the sex. If you don't believe me stop sleeping with him and see how long he'll stick around. You are believing everything he is telling you because right now you are at your wit’s end, you are vulnerable and desperate to feel loved. I know because I’ve been very tempted on few occasions to reach out to guys who were only looking to get laid. However, I can assure you that what you are doing will not end well, they never do.

 

It’s difficult being alone but let me list the benefits of not getting involved with a married man or having casual sex. I don’t have to worry about getting pregnant, no worries about STDs, don’t have to feel guilty or ashamed that I’m in bed with another woman’s husband, no heartache, no pain, no tears, no depression, no fear of karma, no lying, no deceit, no creeping around, and I’m not somebody’s quiet little secret. Girl, the list goes on.

 

If I don’t have to experience any of those things above then being alone and experiencing the rare tug of longing to be in a relationship is a very small price to pay.

Edited July 21, 2016 by loveisanaction

[hermit]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply, loveisanaction - it's good to know I'm not alone...

 

I'm exactly like you - I've been doing all those things you have mentioned - treating myself, holidays alone, sing in choir, do amateur dramatics, meditation... I'm in extremely good physical shape and have been told I have the body of a 16-year old, so someone half my age! Don't drink, don't smoke, walk lots, eat healthy... You name it.

 

But what bothers me is this - it's all about me. My life revolves around me and me alone and has been for the past 8 1/2 years. You know, when you are having a conversation and people are talking about their families and their kids and how "we" are doing this and "we" like going there, and "my husband" this and "my daughter" that... And with me it's only "I", "I", "I", "me", "me", "me", "me".

 

I've visited friends abroad, I've travelled alone, I've holidayed with my parents and had a dream holiday two years ago just my mum and me. I've worked on fantastic projects with amazing groups of people.

 

But at the end of it all everyone goes back home to their partners and families. And I go home to my... cat. Yes, those treats are an amazing high. But going home to deafening silence, an empty bed, and no phone calls for weeks on end... Is the inevitable, hideous low...

 

Yes, I know the situation I'm in now is no better. It's the same all over really... It's a long distance thing tho. I met him working abroad, so at the moment it's not about sex, because we can't physically have sex. It's just about telling each other we miss each other, and how we want to see each other again... But I know even that is all wrong...

 

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read...

[loveisanaction]

I hear you Hermit, i'm in the same boat as you are...except that i go home to a 6 pound Maltese...

 

Being alone does get frustrating however falling in love and being in a relationship will happen when it will happen and if it's not happening you have to learn to be okay with that. This is the bitter pill you have to swallow. That if love never happens for you you're going to make sure you have a fantastic life along the way. Not a lot of people can accept that.

 

However, If you try to force love and a relationship into existence you're going to follow the path that you are finding yourself on now; getting involved with a married man.

 

Desperate people do desperate things...many of which they ultimately regret.

[DKT3]

Thank you for your thoughtful reply, loveisanaction - it's good to know I'm not alone...

 

I'm exactly like you - I've been doing all those things you have mentioned - treating myself, holidays alone, sing in choir, do amateur dramatics, meditation... I'm in extremely good physical shape and have been told I have the body of a 16-year old, so someone half my age! Don't drink, don't smoke, walk lots, eat healthy... You name it.

 

But what bothers me is this - it's all about me. My life revolves around me and me alone and has been for the past 8 1/2 years. You know, when you are having a conversation and people are talking about their families and their kids and how "we" are doing this and "we" like going there, and "my husband" this and "my daughter" that... And with me it's only "I", "I", "I", "me", "me", "me", "me".

 

I've visited friends abroad, I've travelled alone, I've holidayed with my parents and had a dream holiday two years ago just my mum and me. I've worked on fantastic projects with amazing groups of people.

 

But at the end of it all everyone goes back home to their partners and families. And I go home to my... cat. Yes, those treats are an amazing high. But going home to deafening silence, an empty bed, and no phone calls for weeks on end... Is the inevitable, hideous low...

 

Yes, I know the situation I'm in now is no better. It's the same all over really... It's a long distance thing tho. I met him working abroad, so at the moment it's not about sex, because we can't physically have sex. It's just about telling each other we miss each other, and how we want to see each other again... But I know even that is all wrong...

 

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read...

 

Look at it this way, the long you're involved with a married man, the longer you will be an I and not a we.

[Lobe]

I hope someday soon I will gather the strength to tell him to stop... I hope I still have some strength somewhere in me to gather. I hope that one day soon I will feel ready to let him go, to face the heartbreak and carry on this lonely road – even if I know this time it might be forever.

 

Well now, "forever" maybe sounds a bit dramatic, though I suppose at this point in time it certainly feels hopeless.

 

I'm a BS. I am not here to shun you but rather to offer you some perspective about the wife you did not think about. First, his wife is innocent, and the only true victim of the affair. Regardless of what the circumstances are at home, if he has told you anything about her, it is likely riddled with a combination of lies by omission and outright fabrication - keep in mind that whatever marital problems they may have are at eats 50% HIS fault. Alternately, if he doesn't speak of her at all (or you won't let him speak of her) then you are merely trying to delude yourselves that she doesn't exist. I want to state for the record that the emotional part of my husband's affair was WAY harder to stomach than the physical side. When in my case that involves her introducing my husband to fisting, gagging, and choking, that will give you an idea of how harmful it was knowing all the romance, kind words and sweetness he vowed to me when we got married were forwarded without my consent to someone else.

 

The problem with Fantasyland is that all the sparkly unicorn poop your MM is feeding you is that it's actually just glitter-covered bullsh*t. Read the stories of the OW here and you will quickly learn that the road you are walking is full of pain and hopelessness. Reality check here. Most affairs last a max of 2 years, with most petering out around the 6-month mark, which is usually when the AP starts making too many demands or the WS starts getting sloppy and gets busted. Of relationships that start as affairs, less than 5% lead to marriage and of those marriages, as many as 80% will fail. For those who aren't mathy, that's a 0.01% success rate for happy marriage of affair partners. Is it possible? Yes. Probably? Not really. So basically, you're signing up for a 0.01% chance at true happiness. Even a single lonely person has better odds than that. (About 51% of the adult population is legally married, with many more in committed relationships.)

 

The good news is, there's a scientific explanation for the way you feel (affairs are addictions) and a cure (going cold turkey otherwise known as "NC" in affairland.) The first step in reclaiming your life is cutting off this man who is stringing you along and using you, all from the comfort of the bed he shares with his unwitting wife. Think about that part, long and hard - he is with his wife, every day and night, and you get crumbs when he's not being fed, cared for, supported, loved, and sexually satisfied by his spouse. You are second fiddle and always will be - is that REALLY better than being alone? Like loveisinaction said, desperate people do desperate things. Is this really what you want? We already know the answer is no, or you would not be here. But where do you go from here?

 

The first step is always admitting you have a problem. Has this man promised you a relationship or said that is going to tell his wife when the time is right? Has he said he is in an unhappy marriage? Does he tell you you're soulmates and your feelings were unavoidable? I think you recognize that there is a problem, but you have yet to accept that it's yours. You're drunk on hormones, deluded, existing in a state of deep deep denial. You need a visit from the disillusionment fairy.

 

Hopefully a barrage of reality checks will start you on the path to reclaiming your sanity. I'm going to suggest you watch this video by anthropologist Helen Fisher about "romantic" love (or limerence) and why it's not "real" love. Copy-paste this into your browser bar ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_tells_us_why_we_love_cheat?language=en

 

Good luck finding your path, hermit.

[Bufo]

I apologize for repetition. But do this for yourself. Pick any dozen threads about single woman/married man. Keep score on how many turned out favorably for the woman. If that doesn't convince you your rapidly approaching a dead end, pick another dozen. Keep score.

 

My wife was an OW to a married man around age 30. It ended. She took a chance and formally met me through a friend. You'd have to ask her if she considers that a good or bad outcome, but we have been together 30 years now for better or worse. Had she remained OW there is no way we would have met.

 

There is a saying--when you find yourself in a hole, quit digging. So stop digging yourself into a deeper hole.

[13Hearts]

Very romantic, Hermit. And poetic. Just lovely. Thank you for sharing that.

 

I don't believe one word of it. I think you don't want to be married, or in a committed relationship, you see what a pain in the ass it is and you see quite plainly that a large percentage of the men who marry continue to hit on you. So why bother having to take care of one when you can just borrow someone else's for a little while?

 

No man is interested in being with a woman who works on, improves, and focuses most of her attention on herself. Men want you to pay attention to them. Not you.

 

You're about you, not them, and I think that is awesome. I don't think you should stop focusing on yourself and your happiness. Of course, it's not right to borrow someone else's husband, so you probably should stop that. Find yourself a man who doesn't require too much attention. He'll be the one who is really busy with his hobby that he spends a lot of time on, and has plenty of guy friends, like teammates.

 

Good luck. Enjoy your 30s, cause it's a woman's best decade.

[pooldog]

It is very hard to date and find the one. There is no easy way. You have to work hard to date online and get to all kinds of social events. And DKT3 is right. She is wise with this advice.

 

It only takes one. That is the good news.

 

Look at it this way, the long you're involved with a married man, the longer you will be an I and not a we.

[Friskyone4u]

Hermit

 

Stop beating yourself up. You were in a vulnerable state and stumbled into a situation that does not have much chance for a great outcome for you.

 

If you read about infidelity, you will come to understand that men enter affairs primarily for sex, and women initially are drawn into affairs vto have their emotional needs met before the sex starts. Not everyone falls into that mold but all the literature says those are the most likely reasons.

 

You stated that you are in the best years of your life and you are not giving any eligible single men a chance because your emotions are all tangled up with a guy who will use you for a booty call as long as you I let him. And yes, he will shower you with compliments, tell you he misses you, tell you you are beautiful.

 

BUT HE IS STILL WITH HIS WIFE, RIGHT ???? And on Holidays, Birthdays, etc you are either alone or hanging out by yourself waiting for him to come over for you to please him and satisfy him.

 

In today's world, with so many avenues of meeting people, I find it hard to believe that if you put your mind to it, that you cannot at least meet some men to have a normal relationship with WHO ARE ELIGIBLE.

 

That will not happen until YOU pull the plug, block him on every way he can contact you, and go cold turkey just like a drug addict. It is hard but the situation you have found yourself in does not resolve itself easily or painlessly and if you can accept that you can take the steps to help yourself.

 

So start tomorrow, break all contact, and do not give him a chance to lure you back in. And then 6 months from now come back and tell us that you are not feeling so guilty or unhappy.

 

Good luck

[DKT3]

It is very hard to date and find the one. There is no easy way. You have to work hard to date online and get to all kinds of social events. And DKT3 is right. She is wise with this advice.

 

It only takes one. That is the good news.

I'm a he:cool:

[anika99]

I myself am in a similar boat – in my early twenties I was in love with a guy I thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. He dumped me for someone else more than 8 years ago, and I have had almost no male attention since then, no matter how much I worked on myself as a person, socially, physically, spiritually, intellectually and emotionally.

 

All I got was guys in relationship asking me to be their bit on the side – and even they were few and far between.

 

Let me tell you, I have spent years trying to figure out why, asking for advice, even getting counselling. Basically, trying to better myself in any way I could; and above all, forcing myself to reject those few guys who propositioned me - because they were already taken.

 

I find the above very curious. What steps have you actually taken to meet single men? Yes I know you have worked on yourself, gotten advice, attended counselling and all that. But how to you go about meeting people? I find it very odd that even in your twenties you got no male attention. When I was in my twenties there were oodles of men in my age group looking for a partner. It was a veritable buffet of single available men and while single men became a little sparser in my thirties they were still pretty abundant.

 

It makes me wonder if you really aren't getting interest or is it more a case of the men who are interested in you don't meet your expectations and standards? Not saying there is anything wrong with having standards or expectations but I have had several friends over the years cry to me and insist that it's simply IMPOSSIBLE to find a partner while at the same time rejecting one decent man after the other, and often for minor or superficial reasons.

[hermit]

Yes, I find it curious too... And so do my friends, family, everyone who knows me.

 

Apparently I'm attractive, some say beautiful, an amazing person, kind funny, attentive (not my words, but friends, family, even my ex-boyfriend's, who regrets dumping me)

 

What do I do to meet single guys? Well I was at college and university throughout my twenties, took part in classes and social activities there of course, am a long-term member of an amateur dramatics society, am a long term member of a choir, go to meditation group twice a week... I work in the arts, so constantly making new contacts there (this is how I met MM)... Tried online dating as well, although that wasn't for me at all - I need to get to know someone in a neutral context in order for attraction to grow.

 

I've met tons of friends and acquaintances through these avenues, and a lot of guys that I liked and tried to flirt with... But the only two guys that showed any kind of interest in me (one at uni, one at am dram) were both guys that had girlfriends and quite openly told me they wanted me as their bit on the side.

 

My friends and family have witnessed my situation first hand and are baffled as to what I'm doing wrong too... My own experience is that people really like me, including men, but it's always in a "you're my best buddy" kind of way... (I've started some other threads on this)... Or as a bit on the side..

 

People have told me how kind, positive, warm, friendly, funny and smart I am. Even a single guy I really liked told me that, which made me think he reciprocated my feelings... I ended up wasting months on him thinking we were going somewhere, when, like all the others, he just saw me as a friend. He's now married with two kids.

 

As I said, I have had counselling as well as spiritual guidance to try and find an answer, but so far to no avail... It's not that I'm seeking out taken guys - they come to me. I try flirting with single guys, but they just run a mile...

 

Yes, when I was at university there were oodles of single guys looking for relationships - with the other girls... Yes, I rejected a guy once, years ago, in my early twenties, because we had nothing in common to talk about and our interactions were so awkward I didn't get why he wanted to spend time with me. This is the only single guy who ever asked me out, but at the time I didn't think he'd be the last one.

Edited July 22, 2016 by hermit

[hermit]

 

I don't believe one word of it. I think you don't want to be married, or in a committed relationship, you see what a pain in the ass it is and you see quite plainly that a large percentage of the men who marry continue to hit on you. So why bother having to take care of one when you can just borrow someone else's for a little while?

 

 

No, actually I do want to get married. I have always wanted to. I hate borrowing, I've never done it before (this affair started only two weeks ago, it's my first (and last) and I'm already devastated to be in this situation) I grew up in a very close family. My parents are still together although many many years ago my Dad cheated on my Mum... I saw that that doesn't have to be the end of a marriage or even of happiness in a marriage. My parents are really happy together. I have a large extended family and family and relationships have been a really important part of my growing up. My life is definitely lacking - yes, I've seen the arguments, the cheating, the bickering. But in the end you are not alone. In the end you have someone to come home to. Who shares all your memories. I'd literally give everything I have to have that in my life.

[SweetiePi]

It sounds like you take great care of yourself, Hermit. You are doing the right things. Life is not fair all the time and people like you who have a lot to offer cannot always find their partner for a while.

 

 

By the projects you mentioned, do you mean volunteering? I have found the most awesome people I've met have been through volunteering in my neighbourhood and in what I am passionate about. All this networking has been a great self esteem booster also. Giving back has grown me more than if I was on the receiving end. While you are giving freely, you might meet a kind single man or maybe someone who in the future might introduce you to a nice single man. If neither of these, you will still grow a bigger heart, a love for people and you will be improving yourself on the inside even more.

 

 

ETA: sometimes single men are intimidated by accomplished women in the sense that they may feel they are not good enough for you. Also some of the most kind men out there are quite shy and won't make the first move.

 

 

 

I'm exactly like you - I've been doing all those things you have mentioned - treating myself, holidays alone, sing in choir, do amateur dramatics, meditation... I'm in extremely good physical shape and have been told I have the body of a 16-year old, so someone half my age! Don't drink, don't smoke, walk lots, eat healthy... You name it.

Edited July 22, 2016 by SweetiePi

[Gloria_Smellons]

Aw Hermit,

 

I feel the hopelessness just rolling off your posts so I don't think you need any more beating up. You are at least aware that the path you are on now is a bad one, that puts you ahead of quite a lot of other people here.

 

My situation was similarish to yours.

 

I was in my late 20's, didn't seem to be meeting new, available, attractive people, even though I had what I considered a full life with plenty friends and hobbies. It seemed like everyone I knew was already paired up, doing the settling down thing and I couldn't even meet anyone. I didn't consider myself a bad catch either dare I say! I've always been independent, and I have never minded my own company, but even I was getting to the point where I just felt a bit lonely.

 

I've been dumped, I've been treated badly, I've been hit on by attached people... and all of it just ground me down. I just felt like it was hopeless, that I was never going to have a relationship like my Mum and Dad because those kind of people just don't exist anymore, so why not take some enjoyment where I could?

 

Along comes exmm. Right place, right time, (well wrong place, wrong time really). I'd never done anything like it before, considered myself 'better' than that, and here I was involved with a man who had a wife and family.

 

The reason why was twofold I think;

1) It was so nice to have someone just be there. To hold, to share stories about the day. Throw in sexual attraction and it was a total addiction. I think more than the sex though, it was just having someone to talk too. As many good friends as I have who I wouldn't hesitate to call on day or night for any reason, it just didn't replace the intimacy of a partner who I could talk to without an excuse. Don't get me wrong, I am so fortunate to have fantastic friends who honestly wouldn't bat an eyelid if I called them out of the blue and went 'hey, this really funny thing happened to me today, let me tell you about it', or 'I had a really poop day at work, mind if I rant about it', but that just never sits right with me. They have their own lives and I sort of feel like I'm intruding.

 

2) On some level, I honestly wasn't ready for a 'proper' relationship. I wanted all the benefits of one, but without the work and risk. As backwads as it seems, exmm was a safe bet. He gave me what I thought I wanted at the time, but without any of the hard work associated with it. I didn't have to get to know him deeply; I didn't have to make sure our future goals aligned or that we had the same opinions on key issues; I didn't have to worry about whether his family or friends would like me; I didn't have to do the mundane day to day stuff that adults have to do; I didn't have to continously 'work at it' to keep us together. And probably the biggee. I didn't have to worry that he would break my heart because I wasn't actually giving it to him.

 

Well, newsflash. Being with exmm was a sticking plaster for a short time, but in the end it made me feel even MORE lonely and hopeless. It was like trying to sit on half a chair, it works for a while, but in the end it's just uncomfortable and not worth the effort.

 

I know it's cliche to say, but you have to put yourself out there. Yes it would be wonderful if the right guy just came along, and there's a chance that will happen, but it doesn't hurt to try tip the odds in your favour.

 

Also, it doesn't hurt to remind yourself that it's likely there will be false starts. People you like won't like you, there will be people that like you who you don't like, you will be disappointed, you may even get your heart broken. But I decided it was worth the risk, I was ready to get hurt again as stupid as it sounds, if it meant there was a chance of something good happening.

 

I know you've said you didn't like online dating, but I'm not sure I fully understand why. I found it a great way to get in touch with people I just would never normally come into contact with. I didn't even go into it thinking 'yeah, I'll meet someone special and live happily ever after', but thought if nothing else I could use it as a training exercise to practice talking to strangers, recognising sings of attraction etc etc, that I could then use in 'real life'.

 

There are also things like meetup sites, match date nights or equivalent - where a bunch of singletons meet to do an activity like bowling or cooking, maybe something like that is worth looking into. Ask around. Ask friends, colleagues if they know anyone that they can set you up with. Strike up conversations at the supermarket, the bus stop, the park. Anywhere there are people. I even asked out the guy who sold me my car (once the deal was done of course!).

 

There are billions of single, decent men out there that are just waiting to be found. People find new love every day, there is absolutely no reason why you can't, but you have to believe that you can (and get rid of mm). Otherwise it's just a self fulfilling prophecy.

[Beautywithin]

I cried reading your story, as some parts i can relate to! but believe me when i say this, you will only end up getting hurt and feeling even more lonely then ever and that you don't deserve.

 

you deserve to be with someone who will love you as much as you will them and although it don't seem it now there is someone for everyone in this crazy world.

 

i really hope you have the strength to end it, it will be so hard for a while, but its better now rather than later... as the path your taking now will not have a happy ending.

 

(( Hugs ))

[lilacwine]

Hermit,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I can feel you pain. I can feel your desperation. I can feel your loneliness. It's all over the place. And it's heart-breaking. Believe me I've been there too but probably my suffering was nothing compared to you. I have been single for two years before I met x-mm. Nothing compared to the 8 long years for you. I so admired your courage. You have been doing so well and stayed strong for all those years. You have so much courage and you should be proud of yourself.

 

Anyway, I started my affair the same way you did. I was extremely lonely and desperate for some love/attention from men. Along came x-mm and the rest was history. However, I wouldn't advice you to stop seeing him. Do you know why? Because you need to be in this relationship until the pain crushes you so hard it will make you realize that BEING SINGLE IS WAY WAY BETTER THAN BEING THE OTHER WOMAN. You're probably still now in the very early stages of an affair. You don't know yet how bad and how lonely and soul-crushing it can get. But i'm sure, like all affairs, yours will get there too because you're a single woman like me. So, just stay in this relationship. Don't force yourself to breakup with him. Let the affair run it course. And you'll find yourself trying to walk away from him soon enough. One day you'll reach the point where you'll be so much more content being single then before you met this mm. That's exactly where I am today. I'm one year post breakup with x-mm and feeling better than ever. I never learn how to appreciate being single until now. That's what the affair did for me then. There're always two sides to everything. As much as I regret the time I "wasted" on him, I would always cherish the good memories and the lessons I learned. Consider this affair an opportunity to learn and grow and you'll see that everything happens for a reason. Good luck!