Art_Critic Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 Straight up. Sorry I don't feel this relationship is going anywhere and I don't want to be in it any more. I always preferred that type of dumping when on the receiving end and used it many times too, being direct and straight up is the only way to go.. oh an do not waver or leave the door open... It can be hard but it is the right way to do it... 1
PegNosePete Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 so what that results in - and probably goes unknown by the tricker a lot of the time - is them knowing you don't want them and you don't respect them. So they dump you. Op success I always preferred that type of dumping when on the receiving end Yes, that's how I would look at it too. Do it in the way you would like them to do it to you, if the situations were reversed.
SevenCity Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 I always preferred that type of dumping when on the receiving end and used it many times too, being direct and straight up is the only way to go.. oh an do not waver or leave the door open... It can be hard but it is the right way to do it... I agree 100%. If you want to end it, end it. Don't leave the person hanging onto hope. That is the WORST thing you can do for someone. If your intent is to make them feel worse, dwell on it, and have a difficult time moving on by all means be a coward. If you do, or ever have, respected the person be an adult and tell them strait up. 1
SammySammy Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 This is soooo disrespectful and childish. This is an easy way out and very irresponsible. I felt offended when my ex made me break up with him. Its annoying when one does not want to take accountability for their actions. It has not been that long. BE straight up and wish him well. Not always. Without going into detail, this person had been through some rough situations before me. Had made significant breakthroughs while with me. I didn't want to undo the progress she had made. While I'm the only person who knows I orchestrated the breakup, I imagine most who know the details could understand why I did it. In a normal situation, I would agree with you. Be upfront and be done with it. Sometimes, things are not so simple. What seems like the easy way out can actually be much more difficult than just leaving. The person you deem to be irresponsible or unethical may actually be more caring and considerate than you know.
Sunkissedpatio Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 Not always. Without going into detail, this person had been through some rough situations before me. Had made significant breakthroughs while with me. So you became the very person that broke her many times before, by offering her "straight up deal breakers" to avoid hurting her? How noble of you. I just can see how this would be helpful to anyone but yourself. 1
sorano Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 A "break up date" is horrible, IMO. You expect someone to go to the effort of coming out with you, getting dressed up or whatever, trying to have a good time whilst getting a bad vibe off you all evening, and then after an hour of awkwardness you drop the bomb. What a waste of time and money for all concerned... If I were going to be dumped then I'd much prefer a phone call so I can stay home and shoot CGI people all night long. break up date? lol wow. Just saw your profile. female. Now I understand. Thats just horrible. 1
Author Toodaloo Posted July 25, 2016 Author Posted July 25, 2016 So you became the very person that broke her many times before, by offering her "straight up deal breakers" to avoid hurting her? How noble of you. I just can see how this would be helpful to anyone but yourself. I don't think that is what MKD meant. I think he is talking about those situations where the other person is so out of control in their lives anyway that if you take away the relationship that they may do something stupid. However by giving them the "control" to end it on their terms they come out of it better and they can use those angry emotions to turn the situation into a positive healing process for themselves rather than just fall apart... Obviously when dealing with direct people who are in control of their lives its better to be direct. But sometimes in order to do the best for another person we have to compromise our morals. Anyway. Its never easy when you are wearing the shoes as I am fast learning... At least I am taking some of my own advice and looking after myself... The rest I really need to ball up...
Author Toodaloo Posted July 26, 2016 Author Posted July 26, 2016 So this is actually really hard. Mentally I am pretty much already checked out. I am done. Already got rid of the silly notes he wrote on my back door (I use my kitchen windows as a notice board). Cleared away some other things. It will take less than five minutes to pack away any other signs that he was ever part of my life. Doing the actual deed though is proving harder to do than to say. The decision has been made but trying to follow through with that is not easy. At some point I am going to have to rip off the plaster. Its going to hurt him badly and I don't want to hurt him. I guess I just need to give myself time to grow a pair then get on with it. Before its always taken me a bit of time to do it so I guess this is just part of that. 1
Weezy1973 Posted July 26, 2016 Posted July 26, 2016 So this is actually really hard. Mentally I am pretty much already checked out. I am done. Already got rid of the silly notes he wrote on my back door (I use my kitchen windows as a notice board). Cleared away some other things. It will take less than five minutes to pack away any other signs that he was ever part of my life. Doing the actual deed though is proving harder to do than to say. The decision has been made but trying to follow through with that is not easy. At some point I am going to have to rip off the plaster. Its going to hurt him badly and I don't want to hurt him. I guess I just need to give myself time to grow a pair then get on with it. Before its always taken me a bit of time to do it so I guess this is just part of that. Yup. Sometimes I don't think people realize how hard it is to be the dumper. I've mostly been the dumper and some are harder than others. I can say that quickly with kindness has to be your mantra. Answer any questions he may have with as much honesty and kindness as possible. Don't ever say things like I still love you or we can still be friends.
Author Toodaloo Posted July 27, 2016 Author Posted July 27, 2016 It still drags on and its completely my fault. He has a lot going on at the moment and I know if I do this it will be terrible for him. I don't want him to hurt the way I see others being hurt during break ups... 2
Giggles666 Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 Sorry to hear Toodaloo. Breaking up sucks. As for how to break up with someone. I originally said in person and just be honest. In March I dated a friend of 15 years, she broke up with me in text and confused me to no end. All because she could not just say the truth. She basically could not say "I do not like you as a lover". She kept digging herself into a hole and making me feel worse. I finally told her "just stop, I hate when people blow smoke up my a** and treat me like I am stupid, it shows you don;t even respect me.". We no longer speak, I totally ignore her now when I see her and she hates me for it. LOL we're adults, I am early 40s and she is 50. She has never even acknowledged what happened, any time it comes up she tells me to talk to a third party friend she opened up to, or digs herself a deeper hole. She's literally not able to just say "not interested". She scheduled a date with me recently, blew me off. The night she blew me off she ran into me. Ran away real quick, and then had the nerve to call me minutes later and say "how about tomorrow night?". I said "keep digging that hole". Of course now that I ignore her, she calls me childish. I still love her, but at the same time hate her for what she did...NC but have to see her. Friend of 15 plus years, friendship ruined. She has zero respect for me and can not seem to learn to say "not interested" so makes things worse. To me it's simple, tell the truth and save everyone time and energy...she messed me up real good, and of course blames me. Most selfish woman I know, from trusted friend to a**hole. People seem to think when they let you down "easy" it makes things better, in reality you hurt people 10x worse, and make it worse on yourself. 1
Weezy1973 Posted July 27, 2016 Posted July 27, 2016 It still drags on and its completely my fault. He has a lot going on at the moment and I know if I do this it will be terrible for him. I don't want him to hurt the way I see others being hurt during break ups... Your empathy will go along way, but you just have to accept that breakups hurt. They always do. There's literally nothing you can do (and still have integrity) to prevent that. Once you accept that it will hurt him, then it becomes easier. Quickly, honestly, with kindness. 1
Author Toodaloo Posted July 28, 2016 Author Posted July 28, 2016 Well for the past week he has been exceptional. He has been the man I fell for... So I bottled it again... I now don't know if I do still want to break up... Yeah I know... 1
guest569 Posted July 28, 2016 Posted July 28, 2016 Sorry things haven't been working out. Just breathe, give yourself more time and don't act until you are consistently 100% certain. Take care and lots of *hugs* 2
Author Toodaloo Posted July 28, 2016 Author Posted July 28, 2016 Sorry things haven't been working out. Just breathe, give yourself more time and don't act until you are consistently 100% certain. Take care and lots of *hugs* On a completely side note. Smiley it is REALLY great to see you about. Not seen you around for ages. Hope you are OK. Thank you for the hug! 1
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