Toodaloo Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 Scenario. You both get on. You are both good people. Relationship under 6 months. But one of you knows it is not going to work out long term. The other person is having a bad time of it already which started before the relationship and is not likely to end any time soon. So there is never going to be a "good time". How do you cut the cord?
PegNosePete Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 Straight up. Sorry I don't feel this relationship is going anywhere and I don't want to be in it any more. 2
No_Go Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 How often do you see each other? I believe I was seeing my BF 5x a week at least around the 6th month. If your situation is the same, I'd say cut down the frequency for a week or two before breaking the news. Else it will be too much of a shock. If you're dating more casually (say <=3 times a week), just turn one of the following dates (that you initiate, best in a public location - like a quiet coffee shop) into a break up date. I think if you're close to 6 months breaking up over phone/e-mail would be inconsiderate.
PegNosePete Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 A "break up date" is horrible, IMO. You expect someone to go to the effort of coming out with you, getting dressed up or whatever, trying to have a good time whilst getting a bad vibe off you all evening, and then after an hour of awkwardness you drop the bomb. What a waste of time and money for all concerned... If I were going to be dumped then I'd much prefer a phone call so I can stay home and shoot CGI people all night long. 5
SevenCity Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 How often do you see each other? I believe I was seeing my BF 5x a week at least around the 6th month. If your situation is the same, I'd say cut down the frequency for a week or two before breaking the news. Else it will be too much of a shock. If you're dating more casually (say <=3 times a week), just turn one of the following dates (that you initiate, best in a public location - like a quiet coffee shop) into a break up date. I think if you're close to 6 months breaking up over phone/e-mail would be inconsiderate. That is a horribly, selfish inconsiderate way to dump someone. 1
Redhead14 Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 Scenario. You both get on. You are both good people. Relationship under 6 months. But one of you knows it is not going to work out long term. The other person is having a bad time of it already which started before the relationship and is not likely to end any time soon. So there is never going to be a "good time". How do you cut the cord? You sit down with them, tell them how you're feeling and tell them that you've enjoyed spending time with them and you need to close this chapter in your life. Wish them well and then go no contact . . . 2
bummer Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 Yeah, no breakup dates. But a breakup meeting is okay. You need to make it prompt, clear, and quick. You: "Hey, can we meet so we can talk?" Them: "Ok, about what?" You: "It's better in person, how about in an hour at such and such..." I can barely deflect the "about what?" question but it hopefully sends a signal to the other for fight or flight mode so you need to be prompt. Then clear: "I don't feel the chemistry is right and cannot lead you on long term, so we should see other people from now on." Then add as many guilt assuaging puffs as you like without giving false hope: "You deserve someone who can be fully invested in you... It's not you, it's me... I love you, just not in love... I need to work on myself... I don't want to be in a relationship... I'm gay/straight... blah blah blah. I suck at this step, my ex was the worst, but anyways. Then quick: A hug, a peck, a short Q&A and five minutes later you both cry running to your cars. You to keep swiping right, them to pick up the pieces and log onto LS and ask us what to do to win you back. 2
Stercrazy Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 Yeah, no breakup dates. But a breakup meeting is okay. You need to make it prompt, clear, and quick. You: "Hey, can we meet so we can talk?" Them: "Ok, about what?" You: "It's better in person, how about in an hour at such and such..." I can barely deflect the "about what?" question but it hopefully sends a signal to the other for fight or flight mode so you need to be prompt. Then clear: "I don't feel the chemistry is right and cannot lead you on long term, so we should see other people from now on." Then add as many guilt assuaging puffs as you like without giving false hope: "You deserve someone who can be fully invested in you... It's not you, it's me... I love you, just not in love... I need to work on myself... I don't want to be in a relationship... I'm gay/straight... blah blah blah. I suck at this step, my ex was the worst, but anyways. Then quick: A hug, a peck, a short Q&A and five minutes later you both cry running to your cars. You to keep swiping right, them to pick up the pieces and log onto LS and ask us what to do to win you back. You forgot the restraining order!
PrettyEmily77 Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 (((Toodles))) There's never a good time for that talk so do it asap, calmly and with a clear head. It's kinder / less contrived face to face in my opinion, but over the phone is ok if you're worried about his reaction. Tell him exactly why you can't carry and answer all his questions genuinely (but with empathy). If you can, make it short - dragging it on is useless and crap for both parties for obvious reasons. Keep your resolve and don't give hope / mixed messages. Over is over. Sorry Toodles. 1
Bialy Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 (edited) Do it over the phone - call him up- do NOT do it in person, IMO. Edited July 21, 2016 by Bialy
jen1447 Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 Whatever you do, be sure to strip him of his manhood in the process. (Yeah no ....asking yourself exactly how not to do that is a pretty good approach, and the truth is most adults can handle bad news and should be treated w the respect they deserve in your honesty.) 1
No_Go Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 Ok, break up meet or whatever you want to call it. I just think it is not appropriate to drop the bomb over the phone or e-mail. With my first BF we were 'breaking up' slowly over months. The frequency of meeting got lower. We went to see a movie... And has never seen each other again. I wanted the breakup badly already, so I never called back. So as he I think. With my second BF we have technically been broken up for few weeks, just not officially. He came over, we talked, he stayed the night and in the morning when we parted ways we knew we'll never see each other again. But in these cases the relationships were done long before the break up meet. These were just farewell meets to celebrate the end and new beginnings. A "break up date" is horrible, IMO. You expect someone to go to the effort of coming out with you, getting dressed up or whatever, trying to have a good time whilst getting a bad vibe off you all evening, and then after an hour of awkwardness you drop the bomb. What a waste of time and money for all concerned... If I were going to be dumped then I'd much prefer a phone call so I can stay home and shoot CGI people all night long. 1
SammySammy Posted July 21, 2016 Posted July 21, 2016 This is a little devious, but ... make them break up with you. Most people have their deal breakers. I've used this once with someone I didn't want to hurt. Became the person she didn't want. To this day she and her friends think she broke up with me. 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 No twisted games, no projecting, no public meetings. Just a straight up phone convo respectful and as honest as you can be without destroying his self-esteem. And no emails or text, obvi. 2
robaday Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 I'm wondering this right now, and its causing me panic attacks! Not because there's anything wrong with her just its going nowhere and we both know it. Personally I'd prefer an email!!! just because they cant know how much Im hurting and it allows someone the chance to articulate exactly the reasons whilst remaining diplomatic:) But conventional wisdom seems to be in person.......I'd hate that done to me personally but everyone seems to say thats the best way.....
PegNosePete Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 Oh and if doing it in person - not at your place - because you want the option of leaving if things go south. Kicking someone out after dumping them is a lot harder than walking out yourself. So either at his place, or by phone.
Author Toodaloo Posted July 22, 2016 Author Posted July 22, 2016 Well I think he has kinda made the decision for me anyway. Spoke last night. It didn't go well. Usually speak each morning he hasn't picked up. So I guess its a trip down tonight to return his things and collect the few bits I have down there. Never so easy when you have to do it yourself is it... At least I have the weekend to cry lots.
Haydn Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 Well I think he has kinda made the decision for me anyway. Spoke last night. It didn't go well. Usually speak each morning he hasn't picked up. So I guess its a trip down tonight to return his things and collect the few bits I have down there. Never so easy when you have to do it yourself is it... At least I have the weekend to cry lots. Sorry Toodaloo. There is never a good way to breakup with someone. Just do it in the way that is easiest for you. In the end it does not matter. Take care. 2
kztar Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 This is a little devious, but ... make them break up with you. Most people have their deal breakers. I've used this once with someone I didn't want to hurt. Became the person she didn't want. To this day she and her friends think she broke up with me. This is soooo disrespectful and childish. This is an easy way out and very irresponsible. I felt offended when my ex made me break up with him. Its annoying when one does not want to take accountability for their actions. It has not been that long. BE straight up and wish him well. 5
Author Toodaloo Posted July 22, 2016 Author Posted July 22, 2016 This is soooo disrespectful and childish. This is an easy way out and very irresponsible. I felt offended when my ex made me break up with him. Its annoying when one does not want to take accountability for their actions. It has not been that long. BE straight up and wish him well. That as may be but I can see certain situations where that would come in handy... I know many will shoot me down in flames but... At least you had that "thing" (being offended) to help you let go...
kztar Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 That as may be but I can see certain situations where that would come in handy... I know many will shoot me down in flames but... At least you had that "thing" (being offended) to help you let go... That did not help me let go AT ALL. If anything it made it 10X worse.
Author Toodaloo Posted July 22, 2016 Author Posted July 22, 2016 Would have helped me because then I could get angry at him. But each of us to their own. I can see either way. I am not going to do this despite being tempted... But I am tempted. Would be so much easier to be dumped with this one.
jen1447 Posted July 22, 2016 Posted July 22, 2016 The main problem w that method and others like it (ethics aside) is that it assumes the person you're orchestrating the trick on is dumb - too dumb to figure out your tricks despite the fact they're generally in a good position to understand you pretty well and be familiar w your ways. Most ppl aren't actually that dumb, so what that results in - and probably goes unknown by the tricker a lot of the time - is them knowing you don't want them and you don't respect them. So it's ultimately dehumanizing bc it shows you don't think they're worth a very basic level of human consideration. It's pretty common that when ppl fall out they develop a level of contempt for the other person like that, but it's rarely justified. 1
Recommended Posts