Don't know ....husband looking to hookup

[jen1447]

The only time 'making a case' really matters is if it'll have some impact in court. (Child custody, division of assets, etc.) Otherwise what most ppl who investigate infidelity are after is just personal satisfaction (so to speak) that it's real. For that you don't need beyond-a-reasonable-doubt quality evidence, you just need your own personal truth-ticker to be pushed into the red zone, and for most ppl what OP observed would be enough for that.

 

Personally I wouldn't go on a vacation w someone who betrayed me in a million years.

[elaine567]

Umm...this isn't just about her spidey senses tingling, she WITNESSED HIS AFF PROFILE and email exchanges and naughty pics and his plans...on and on...

 

What more proof does she need to collect before she confronts and kicks his a** out?? Catch an STD?

 

Give me a break.

 

Ok but we have been here before, he reassures, she thinks of the kids and soon they are back together.

Only she never really got to the bottom of it. And whilst she wants to believe he was just "fantasizing" as he will no doubt tell her if she confronts him ATM, she never really got any proof of anything concrete here.

 

"I don't know if he hooked up with these people, other people, used protection, or what!!"

 

If she is walking over this, then yes, she needs to just walk and never look back, who cares what he did, but I have a funny feeling she ain't walking, not yet anyway and so she needs to do some more investigating to see exactly what she is dealing with here.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Ok but we have been here before, he reassures, she thinks of the kids and soon they are back together.

Only she never really got to the bottom of it. And whilst she wants to believe he was just "fantasizing" as he will no doubt tell her if she confronts him ATM, she never really got any proof of anything concrete here.

 

 

 

If she is walking over this, then yes, she needs to just walk and never look back, who cares what he did, but I have a funny feeling she ain't walking, not yet anyway and so she needs to do some more investigating to see exactly what she is dealing with here.

 

Ugh. I mean, how sad is that?? Seriously. What this guy has done isn't as simple as fantasizing and anyone who thinks it is should have their head cracked opened and examined thoroughly.

 

So the line in the sand would be that he actually stuck his penis inside some other woman's vagina?? Would that be the case one needs to prove in order to officially crown him an adulterer and all-round douchebag?

 

Women need to have more respect for themselves.

[Moo97]

I want to know if any of his hook-ups were followed through with before I confront him. I can't get back into his account now because he signed out of his email. I was too shocked the day I got in there to think rationally and see how long he's been a member and read every single message. I really don't want to confront him until I know if he has followed through on any of the messages. If he has, it's a deal-breaker. I assume he will lie if I ask. I feel like he could have been lying during our entire life together.

 

At first I was against reconciliation, but now I just don't know. We have had conversations about how his needs aren't being met and I did nothing to help fix the problem. I am not taking the blame for his behavior, but am wondering if we can fix this with therapy. If it were an emotional affair, I would be less likely to consider this, but it seems like a possibility.

 

I have all these things planned in my head about how I want to confront him, but I'm afraid they'll just go out the window when I actually do. I also feel like I can't separate what I want the final outcome to be from what I want my kids to have in life. A happy family. I just don't know if I am capable of overcoming this and providing a happy family.

 

Thanks for all your comments!

[Lobe]

I want to know if any of his hook-ups were followed through with before I confront him.

 

OK, but what if the only reason he hasn't followed through is because it hasn't happened yet. You wait, and then what? And even if he HAS been with someone in a PA, chances are good that if you begin R you will get trickle truth for months, and never actually get the whole truth.

 

I know exactly how you feel but the second I saw all the texts and phone numbers I *knew* so there was no gee, I should do more sleuthing to get more info. You should NOT offer R right off the bat - let him know that you know he has been on those sites and do a 180. As far as I can see, the only reason to wait to confront him at this point is because I'd want to talk to my lawyer first.

 

Good luck to you whatever you decide about confrontation, but don't wait too long - it might not be too late now but it sounds like it soon will. Google "affair 180" to get more info, but basically, here's what you need to do:

 

For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner-Davis’s Divorce Busting 180 degree list, here it is:

 

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say “I Love You”.

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on

hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

 

(taken from this website https://affaircare.com/the-180/)

(more Michelle Weiner Davis - love this woman! How To Save Marriage, Marriage Problems, Help, Conseling, Stop Divorce)

[elaine567]

I have all these things planned in my head about how I want to confront him, but I'm afraid they'll just go out the window when I actually do. I also feel like I can't separate what I want the final outcome to be from what I want my kids to have in life. A happy family. I just don't know if I am capable of overcoming this and providing a happy family.

 

Is a guy who posts his dick as his public profile pic and who is happy to screw another man's wife while the husband watches, a good role model for your children?

Do you really think you can be enough for him, even if you did ramp up your sex life?

This is not a bored MM, who gets a bit enamoured with a PYT at work, this is pretty hard core cheating with a kink, and his activities may well put you and your children at risk here.

Have you organised the STD test yet?

[Lobe]

Most BSs have no idea what their true dealbreakers are.

 

My vote is that she gets to the truth and then she can take all the time she wants to decide if it's a dealbreaker for her.

 

The truth is, her husband had a hook up profile with his penis as his greeting card and emailed another couple about banging the wife while the husband watched. Finding more "truth" isn't going to change that, and it's dubious she will get the "truth" anyways because (and here's the kicker) he's a LIAR.

 

OP has proof that he is soliciting an affair and has said she wants to find out if he has hooked up before confronting him which is totally her call but the "truth" is already in plain sight. Just like his profile penis.

[Mr. Lucky]

I want to know if any of his hook-ups were followed through with before I confront him. I can't get back into his account now because he signed out of his email. I was too shocked the day I got in there to think rationally and see how long he's been a member and read every single message. I really don't want to confront him until I know if he has followed through on any of the messages. If he has, it's a deal-breaker. I assume he will lie if I ask. I feel like he could have been lying during our entire life together.

 

The confrontation isn't so you can share and defend your facts with him, it's so he knows you know. In other words, it's not about him and his reaction (which most here could easily predict), it's about you and the conclusions you've already drawn.

 

So the line in the sand would be that he actually stuck his penis inside some other woman's vagina?? Would that be the case one needs to prove in order to officially crown him an adulterer and all-round douchebag?

 

Have to agree. Moo97, one of two things about your H is true:

 

1). He wanted to hook-up with other women, joined the website, placed the ad and has cheated on you.

 

2). He wanted to hook-up with other women, joined the website, placed the ad and only a lack of opportunity has kept him from cheating on you.

 

Is there really a difference ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[sandylee1]

This sounds like hard core cheating and I'd be suprised if this was his first time at it. What standards do you have for a husband? Because a man who puts his dick on a hook up site and is planning to be the bull for a cuckold is not most people's ideal husband.

 

This is more than getting a need for more sex .... it's a kink and he wants to get right into it.

 

I've a feeling you don't know the half of it with him.

[Michelle ma Belle]

This sounds like hard core cheating and I'd be suprised if this was his first time at it. What standards do you have for a husband? Because a man who puts his dick on a hook up site and is planning to be the bull for a cuckold is not most people's ideal husband.

 

This is more than getting a need for more sex .... it's a kink and he wants to get right into it.

 

I've a feeling you don't know the half of it with him.

 

I totally agree. Where there is smoke there is fire. Always is. I'm willing to bet this guy has a long history of living out a double life.

 

Sorry OP but this will not end well for you and your family I'm afraid.

[Cloudcuckoo]

 

Women need to have more respect for themselves.

 

 

 

Lots of women do respect themselves....they just don't respect each other....

[elaine567]

Lots of women do respect themselves....they just don't respect each other....

That is very true too.

[Mr. Lucky]

I totally agree. Where there is smoke there is fire. Always is.

 

And in this case, I'll bet it's some dark, twisted smoke.

 

Moo97, I'm staunchly pro-marriage, almost always think couples should attempt to work through their issues. But I'd guess this is headed down a dark path that might be really difficult for you, doesn't feel like the usual "cheated with his secretary" scenario. Hope you have friends and family to lean on...

 

Mr. lucky

[Lois_Griffin]

At first I was against reconciliation, but now I just don't know. We have had conversations about how his needs aren't being met and I did nothing to help fix the problem. I am not taking the blame for his behavior..

Yes, you are.

 

I am wondering if we can fix this with therapy.

The guy is a SERIAL CHEATER and a sexual deviant. Therapists aren't magicians and quite honestly, most of them are quacks anyway. They're not going to magically make him not find threesomes and deviant sex exciting. You have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than you do turning him into a choir boy. Oh, he'll FAKE it if that's what he thinks will keep him out of divorce court and from losing half his assets. You'd better believe he'll put on the greatest show on earth for you if that's what it takes to keep everything he's got. That's what a lot of them do when they're caught. Become great actors.

 

But he'll STILL be a serial cheater and he'll STILL be a sexual deviant. He'll just hide it better. He got sloppy this time.

 

If it were an emotional affair, I would be less likely to consider this, but it seems like a possibility.

How many MORE times are you going to forgive this guy? He was up to no good with a coworker a year ago and managed to lie his way out of it with you and now you've caught him again. Sadly, you're looking for ways to swallow yet another sh*t sandwich like the one he served up to you a year ago.

 

This wasn't his first rodeo. Nor was his affair with his co-worker his first rodeo. This guy is a seasoned serial cheater and has probably been at it for years.

 

A steady diet of sh*t sandwiches is unacceptable.

 

And I can guarantee you, if you stay with him, you WILL be dealing with more cheating in the future. Sure as the sun rises in the east.

[BetrayedH]

Umm...this isn't just about her spidey senses tingling, she WITNESSED HIS AFF PROFILE and email exchanges and naughty pics and his plans...on and on...

 

What more proof does she need to collect before she confronts and kicks his a** out?? Catch an STD?

 

Give me a break.

 

As a betrayed spouse with children, I felt a tremendously unexpected drive to try to fix the marriage, to try to find forgiveness, to take ownership of my contributions to the failure of the marriage, to keep my family together. I'd been with my wife for 18 years, married for 12, had two great kids, a home we'd built together... Regardless of outsider having the opinion that you should "just dump the cheater," my instincts were much more about trying to do damage control. And statistics back this up. Over 80% of BHs make at least an initial attempt to reconcile. For BWs, it's in the 90's. The BS is rarely so ready to just toss their marriage. In many cases, they thought their marriage was fine. There is a tremendous amount of shock and bewilderment. Personally, I had spent nearly twenty years fully invested in my marriage and family. I pretty much had all of my eggs in one basket. I loved my wife. I certainly loved my kids. The instinct was to stop the bleeding.

 

We can all sit here and say that "she knows enough." But I'd bet my bottom dollar that since there's no proof that this guy ever slept with anyone, she's going to want to believe him. She's bought his BS on e before already, right? And if she tries to reconcile, I think the biggest challenge she'll have is that she won't EVER know if the version she got is the truth. It will haunt her. And she'll have blown her chance to know for sure what really happened.

 

In my experience, you typically get one, and only one, shot at figuring out exactly how deep the rabbit hole goes. And then you can make an informed decision. Confront too soon (especially if you're indecisive), and you'll be making a decision about the rest of your life from a point of ignorance. Screw that.

 

And frankly, I never felt one iota of guilt about my own gamesmanship. I have no regrets about my investigating, at all.

[BetrayedH]

The only time 'making a case' really matters is if it'll have some impact in court. (Child custody, division of assets, etc.) Otherwise what most ppl who investigate infidelity are after is just personal satisfaction (so to speak) that it's real. For that you don't need beyond-a-reasonable-doubt quality evidence, you just need your own personal truth-ticker to be pushed into the red zone, and for most ppl what OP observed would be enough for that.

 

Personally I wouldn't go on a vacation w someone who betrayed me in a million years.

 

I'd agree with this. She doesn't need to convince him that he's cheating. She only needs to convince herself. I just think she needs to know how far it's really gone so she can decide if the facts are a real dealbreaker or not.

 

It takes time for a BS to process. Why spill the beans before she really knows what happened and what she's going to do about it? Serves no benefit as far as I can tell. Confronting the wayward is the part that is just emotionally satisfying, and it's rarely very satisfying. It just leads to more lies, more confusion, and a whole hell of a lot of deleting sh*t on the part of the wayward.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I do not view it as gamesmanship, it isn't about getting ahead of a deceitful spouse...it is about getting caught up. Being that the deceitful spouse through their actions have shown themselves to be...well....deceitful....one really can't go there for clarity.

 

 

Do I believe...where there is smoke there is fire...in this case yes. Do I believe that a deceitful spouse is owed full disclosure from the spouse they are deceiving about what they have uncovered......absolutely not. There is nothing wrong with allowing oneself time to process.

[Rachelkey]

Put a free keylogger on your computer. You will get his password and your answers.

[sandylee1]

There comes a point, whether physical cheating has occurred or not, that you know and define acceptable behaviour in a marriage.

The issue of whether it actually happened is not the crux of it in this case, because his actions have been premeditated in setting up the profile..... and his intent was crystal clear.

 

It's not a case of him developing a friendship and the two get closer, but it hasn't quite progressed to a PA. It wouldn't be a concious decision to go out and cheat if it happened this way. Not that it would make a difference to some people.

 

There's a certain kind of man I want to call my husband.... and be proud of or at least not ashamed of and have no respect for. A man who puts his junk out on a hook up site and arranges to perform for a cuck isn't husband material by my standards. You don't join such sites for friendly chit chat.

 

There's a charge for several crimes that carry a sentence on the basis of 'attempted'. Like .....

 

♢ Attempted rape

♢ Attempted burglary

♢ Attempted murder

 

You don't have to go ALL the way to get convicted.

 

Bear in mind that the initial chats start on the site, then they take it offline to texts/apps/email and phone calls. Don't expect every bit of correspondence or communication between them to be in his profile messages.

[Lady Hamilton]

I do not view it as gamesmanship, it isn't about getting ahead of a deceitful spouse...it is about getting caught up. Being that the deceitful spouse through their actions have shown themselves to be...well....deceitful....one really can't go there for clarity.

 

 

Do I believe...where there is smoke there is fire...in this case yes. Do I believe that a deceitful spouse is owed full disclosure from the spouse they are deceiving about what they have uncovered......absolutely not. There is nothing wrong with allowing oneself time to process.

 

So they owe you disclosure, but you don't owe it to them. It's not gamesmanship, it's getting caught up. It's not a lie, it's information gathering.

 

Honestly, that's all word crafting to justify why the lies and gameplay by this person is awful while the lies and gameplay by this person is righteous. In reality, these kinds of distinctions don't do much as the behavior is the same and the consequences for it are their own cross to bear.

 

Either way, op has made clear that the violations aren't enough of a violation to warrant much of a response from her, so... The argument is pointless.

 

Ultimately, it all boils down to what people are willing to put up with and just how seriously you want to be taken. In this case, his penis was his profile pic on AFF, she saw more emails than she could read with other people. Finding out if the penis found another oriface or "just" the whole of the Internet while seeking out other orifaces is really moot.

[AlwaysGrowing]

So they owe you disclosure, but you don't owe it to them. It's not gamesmanship, it's getting caught up. It's not a lie, it's information gathering.

 

Honestly, that's all word crafting to justify why the lies and gameplay by this person is awful while the lies and gameplay by this person is righteous. In reality, these kinds of distinctions don't do much as the behavior is the same and the consequences for it are their own cross to bear.

 

Either way, op has made clear that the violations aren't enough of a violation to warrant much of a response from her, so... The argument is pointless.

 

Ultimately, it all boils down to what people are willing to put up with and just how seriously you want to be taken. In this case, his penis was his profile pic on AFF, she saw more emails than she could read with other people. Finding out if the penis found another oriface or "just" the whole of the Internet while seeking out other orifaces is really moot.

 

 

 

Interesting you should use the word consequence in regard to the OP.

 

It is a NATURAL consequence of being caught lying that the person to whom one is lying to....no longer trusts or shares themselves completely.

 

Also, if the argument is pointless, not sure why one would start....making points. Kinda the point you are trying to argue....only not holding oneself to the same perimeters that they expect others to uphold. (I can argue my POV, then call the whole discussion pointless).

 

OP, if you are not sure how to proceed, you might want to consider getting professional advice from different disciplines...IC and legal.

[Lady Hamilton]

Interesting you should use the word consequence in regard to the OP.

 

It is a NATURAL consequence of being caught lying that the person to whom one is lying to....no longer trusts or shares themselves completely.

 

A consequence that is one the BS must also enjoy directed towards them by engaging in the game playing and deception to root out information.

 

Also, if the argument is pointless, not sure why one would start....making points. Kinda the point you are trying to argue....only not holding oneself to the same perimeters that they expect others to uphold. (I can argue my POV, then call the whole discussion pointless).

 

I was answering the points you made and then highlighted the OP had weighed in with their next step, making my comments and by extension our sidebar pointless. I'm not sure why you interpreted that as me saying that I get to give my opinion and you are disallowed from giving yours, because I didn't imply that at all...

 

Regardless, she weighed in, she's doing what she's doing, so there we have it.

Edited July 23, 2016 by Lady Hamilton

[AnnaTjacks]

I really feel for you Moo97. I can understand how devastating it was to find out that your husband has been cheating on you. It definitely has to be addressed. He is also putting your health at risk. I would recommend you get tested. He must be confronted and no longer can he say that you are "crazy." I would hope that he is willing to change. You need to know does he love you enough to stop. Once confronted will you consider counsel for the both of you? It takes two to make the marriage work and he has to be willing. Sometimes the issue is deeper than the sex. He needs to own up to what he is doing and be willing to break away completely. It will take time for you to gain trust in him again. He has to be willing to be totally accountable to you. This is why getting a third party involved is so important....to find out why did it occur in the first place. Tina Campbell had a similar issue in her marriage. She is a singer and traveled a lot. While she traveled her husband had multiple affairs even with their nanny. Needless to say, they went through many challenges but with good counsel they are back together. It wasn't easy. Deep down he loved her but there were other issues that contributed to going outside of his marriage. I am giving you a ((((cyber hug)))))). I will pray that you get the wisdom on how to handle this situation. Please let us know what happens. If you want to talk or vent, I'm here for you.