Husband had an affair... Separated

July 27, 2016

Today, my husband, daughter and I went out for lunch at my daughter's favorite. She admitted she wants everything normal for one day. So we went to this restaurant. And guess who came in.

My husbands face went chalk white. I mean he looked like he was going to pass out. At first I didn't recognise her as I only had a picture to go by but soon realize it was the other woman. I don't want to come across as shallow but she was butt ugly. For someone who is only 29 she looked ten years older at least then she actually was.

I didn't mean too, but I blurted out. I'm not sure if she heard or not, but my husband certainly did that you cheated on me with that. From her photo she was done up, nice hair, make up, but in person she was unimpressive.

Well as soon as she saw my husband she looked like she was going to cry. I asked my husband about it and he said that the last time they spoke, the day after I found out supposedly he told her on the phone that he never wanted to see her again that what they had was a mistake. I did check his phone records and it matched up to when he said. Whether or not he contacted or has had contact with her I don't know.

July 27, 2016

I can tell you that if I saw my former AP while having a nice family dinner, I imagine my face would drain of all blood too. God. I might just throw up. And my BH is also totally in the know, he has all info, and I am totally NC with AP. It would still probably bring on a panic attack - more for worry about my BH and how he's feeling than myself.

I was so sad to read your story. Your H was a big dumbazz. I'm not trying to minimize the situation, but that's really how it appears to me. He was flattered by the attention, especially from a 29 year old (even a butt ugly one!), allowed it to move to communication, and then he didn't stop the train when it proceeded to sex. Once he got a taste of that adrenaline rush, he rode that ride, and even admitted that he probably would have kept going a bit if he hadn't gotten caught. Honestly, I give him kudos for saying that. Most WS lie and minimize and he actually said what they really DO. The drug is hard to put down when you aren't feeling the negative consequences yet.

No one here knows the truth but it seems to me he got caught up in something and he REALLY regrets it. Like now he is just really kicking himself - and not because he got caught. Because he realizes what a terrible decision he made and how ridiculous it really was. I fully understand your disgust and pain. These "reasons" will not take away your betrayal. But if that is what's happening and your H is contrite, MAYBE it will prevent your marriage from going off the tracks when it doesn't have to.

I am so sorry he has put you in this position. Maybe he is too.

July 27, 2016

Today, my husband, daughter and I went out for lunch at my daughter's favorite. She admitted she wants everything normal for one day. So we went to this restaurant. And guess who came in.

Unless you live in a small town with two or three restaurants, hard to believe her presence was coincidental...

Mr. Lucky

July 27, 2016

Unless you live in a small town with two or three restaurants, hard to believe her presence was coincidental...

Mr. Lucky

That would definitely set the alarm bells ringing.I will say it again you need to be sure this affair is over because if you think you are feeling bad now if they are only on a break it will be worse than ever.This may sound ridiculous but could you get a hidden camera into your apartment befor he moves in.

July 27, 2016

We live in a city of 20,000 people. My husband "claimed" she lives in a small town about ten minutes from our city. The restaurant is on the outskirt of the city heading out towards where she lived.

I had all ready decided that I'm finished living with not knowing if he's telling the truth or not. Tonight when he's off work I'm going to ask for a polygraph test. I also set up VAR in my daughter's old bedroom, since he is still staying here. So if he is talking to anyone when he "thinks" he has a free moment from me. I'll catch it.

July 27, 2016

If you give him enough notice he will pass the polygraph.I have seen them being installed and it is enough to convince yourself you are telling the truth to fool one.

If you are determined to go ahead do not tell him.Just ask him to meet at a particular place,maybe for lunch or coffee and Spring it on him.

If you can check his internet history check if he has been googling lie detector or polygraphs,if he has then for an intelligent man they can be fooled.

The way they work at its most basic is to ask questions that the subject has no need to lie about,what schools he attended,his kids names etc.Then check pulse rates,blood pressure,skin conductivity (sweating) and then ask the questions that are important.More advanced ones can check brainwaves and they are harder but not impossible to fool.

If he refuses to go then no polygraph is needed.Make sure he does not turn this back on you saying you re going overboard etc.

July 28, 2016

I took the advice given to me and I booked a polygraph test for tomorrow evening. I didn't tell him but I'm going to make a condition. If he refuses or fails the polygraph test then I'm done.

July 28, 2016

We live in a city of 20,000 people. My husband "claimed" she lives in a small town about ten minutes from our city. The restaurant is on the outskirt of the city heading out towards where she lived.

I had all ready decided that I'm finished living with not knowing if he's telling the truth or not. Tonight when he's off work I'm going to ask for a polygraph test. I also set up VAR in my daughter's old bedroom, since he is still staying here. So if he is talking to anyone when he "thinks" he has a free moment from me. I'll catch it.

Yes you will VARs are good like that

July 28, 2016

standtall: I don't know if your comment was in general or towards me, but the last thing I want to do is to shame my husband. I'm not one to air my dirty laundry. I'm sure his brother knows what happened or some minimized version of the story because he had to ask to stay there.

I could go and tell all friends and family what he did but what would that accomplish? It make me feel bitter, them all mad at him, when the affair had nothing to do with them. The biggest consequence for my husband would be for him to lose me, and respect I had for him. Whether or not we survive this, one of the most important part of our relationship had been forever tarnished. He'll never be able to erase that he shared our marriage with another woman.

I remember one of the first things I had said shortly after I found out and confronted him. That it was disgusting he slept with someone so easily, and that we were together longer then this woman has been alive. She is only two years older then our own daughter. I think that has brought him more shame then anything. That he threw away his honor for such an easy lay.

Be careful about how much you protect your daughters from. I too thought it was the best thing to do with our kids (protect their fathers image) but fast forward and he (being the selfish person he is) played the woe is me card and acted like I divorced him for no good reason. My relationship with one of my kids is strained because he took his dad's side. If I had told that child the truth about his dad (mid life affair) he would not feel the way he does about the divorce.

His dad is miserable (because he realized the grass wasn't greener) and I am happy because I refuse to let my ex destroy any more of my life.

So it feeds my son's sympathy towards his dad.

Sometimes the high road bites you in the ass.

Looking back I my kids were old enough to know the truth and it would have been much better to have told them.

Shielding them from their dad's affair and his poor decisions was a mistake, and my only regret.

Edited July 28, 2016 by tinkerbell16

July 28, 2016

Be careful about how much you protect your daughters from. I too thought it was the best thing to do with our kids (protect their fathers image) but fast forward and he (being the selfish person he is) played the woe is me card and acted like I divorced him for no good reason. My relationship with one of my kids is strained because he took his dad's side. If I had told that child the truth about his dad (mid life affair) he would not feel the way he does about the divorce.

His dad is miserable (because he realized the grass wasn't greener) and I am happy because I refuse to let my ex destroy any more of my life.

So it feeds my son's sympathy towards his dad.

Sometimes the high road bites you in the ass.

Looking back I my kids were old enough to know the truth and it would have been much better to have told them.

Shielding them from their dad's affair and his poor decisions was a mistake, and my only regret.

It's not too late to tell them now.

July 28, 2016

Blue Iris: Thanks It's been really really difficult. He really needs to stay somewhere else again. The three weeks he had been with his brother before my daughter came home had been great for me. I thought I'd be okay with him staying here but I can't do it.

This feeling is a clue how the rest of your life would be if you stay with him.

Been in your shoes and my heart goes out to you...

hugs, Tink

July 28, 2016

It's not too late to tell them now.

It's still not in my character to tell them. I think they both know from their own conclusions.

I just keep positive and hope it will all sort in time.

My ex H miserable (due to his regret and of his own choice) and he is excellent at playing the sympathy card.

I am the opposite so no one sees me as needy or a victim.

I believe in Kharma so maybe that he is miserable and I am happy is Kharma at work.

July 28, 2016

We live in a city of 20,000 people. My husband "claimed" she lives in a small town about ten minutes from our city. The restaurant is on the outskirt of the city heading out towards where she lived.

I had all ready decided that I'm finished living with not knowing if he's telling the truth or not. Tonight when he's off work I'm going to ask for a polygraph test. I also set up VAR in my daughter's old bedroom, since he is still staying here. So if he is talking to anyone when he "thinks" he has a free moment from me. I'll catch it.

seems highly improbable that was a coincidence

July 28, 2016

seems highly improbable that was a coincidence

I agree,I think he told her and she showed up to try and get you two split up for good.Why would he be so shocked otherwise,you did not recognise her so if he had played it cool nobody would be any wiser.

July 28, 2016

I don't believe it was a coincidence either. I had booked the polygraph test, told my husband fifteen minutes it was happening tonight. He didn't say no but was happy to take it to prove what happened was how he said it happened. And the big one was to determine if he had any contact with the other woman and if the other woman being at the restaurant was a co-incidence or not.

July 28, 2016

He took the polygraph test. He passed most of it.

He had no contact with the other woman since he told me he had ended it. It's true that he only had sex with her multiple times the one month. But where he lied was the length of the emotional affair. He said couple months, but he finally admitted that he had has known her a few months longer then he had said. He did pass when he was asked if he told the other woman that he was married and he admitted he didn't and also when asked if he truly wanted to make our marriage work.

The big question that was asked was if he had any other affair at any time during our marriage. WELL HE DIDN'T.

So I'm relieved and pissed off.

He told me that he didn't consider their flirting as an emotional affair. Well.... flirting with her period was pushing on the line of infertility if it wasn't considered it all ready.

But with that out of the way.... I'm glad that the truth is out there. I don't have to guess anymore.

July 28, 2016

I'm glad you have some answers. I hope it helps you figure out your next steps. What do you want?

July 28, 2016

I don't know if this was the right move or not but I've been asking him questions on what they talked about, what was going through his mind. I have a timeline but the "why" are still shooting through my mind. At least today I haven't told him to get lost so that means something.

July 29, 2016

I am sorry, but I just want this question out there. How accurate is a Polygraph Test again? I have studied this in my college years and we were told that this test is as accurate as our local fortune teller.

July 29, 2016

I am sorry, but I just want this question out there. How accurate is a Polygraph Test again? I have studied this in my college years and we were told that this test is as accurate as our local fortune teller.

I've heard around 93% accurate.

July 29, 2016

In my personal opinion (no offense intended) if a spouse gets to the point to onky believe their H/W only through a polygraph test, the marriage is no more. But I do respect people who need this to know the whole truth snd reconcile. I would not do it but I respect it.

July 29, 2016

The accuracy of a polygraph test depends on a lot of things including the weather believe it or not.The biggest problem with them is the length of time the subject has to prepare for one.Given a couple of days notice any averagely intelligent person can fool them.

What I mean If you convince yourself there was nothing to the affair you will answer questions asked of you as if nothing had ever happened.Even springing it on him may not have been enough if he had any suspicion that you would ask for one.

My biggest suspicion is that he cheated for the first time in twenty eight years and gets caught so easily,I have worked with men on jobs which took them away from home for weeks at a time and the guys who cheat always started cheating at the first opportunity.

You seem to have got some relief from the result and I really hope things work out for you.

July 29, 2016

In my personal opinion (no offense intended) if a spouse gets to the point to onky believe their H/W only through a polygraph test, the marriage is no more. But I do respect people who need this to know the whole truth snd reconcile. I would not do it but I respect it.

I agree. Even if they pass the trust is gone and you will constantly be looking and wondering if they are hot for a 20 something year olds body again. It's just not worth it to me.

July 29, 2016

He took the polygraph test. He passed most of it.

He had no contact with the other woman since he told me he had ended it. It's true that he only had sex with her multiple times the one month. But where he lied was the length of the emotional affair. He said couple months, but he finally admitted that he had has known her a few months longer then he had said. He did pass when he was asked if he told the other woman that he was married and he admitted he didn't and also when asked if he truly wanted to make our marriage work.

The big question that was asked was if he had any other affair at any time during our marriage. WELL HE DIDN'T.
So I'm relieved and pissed off.

He told me that he didn't consider their flirting as an emotional affair. Well.... flirting with her period was pushing on the line of infertility if it wasn't considered it all ready.

But with that out of the way.... I'm glad that the truth is out there. I don't have to guess anymore.

Married1988,

Look there issues with polygraph, but for most people they give a good idea. I am glad your husband passed as I sense you are more in the reconciliation camp, but open to Divorce if need be. So, if you are leaning towards reconciliation, I do hope you are planing and laying the ground work towards it. The first thing is to let your WS, know that it is on the table, and the second is to layout, or have him read what is expected.

Myself, I told my wife I did not want the marriage we have, it would have to change. We have been working on this eversense. Point is, now may now be the best time to start, but working to lower the heat, and getting to a place where you both can begin to really talk and work our things would be helpful and help you, and him as well. Even if you divorce later, it will be helpful, as communication can make that go much easier.

Now I am not saying make excuses for him, nor letting him off the hook, but if he is really remorseful, he is in pain as well. IF I had placed my marriage in that amount of danger, and hurt the one I loved, I would be scared, and just hating myself. From what you wright, it looks like he is there. Steps taken now, ether for reconciliation or divorce, will have great rewards later. Please keep an open mind, as much as you can. Just a thought.

As always I wish you luck......

July 30, 2016

I have felt a lot of relief since the polygraph. THe husband is still in the guest bedroom and my daughter's are still processing finding out their father cheated on me.

I did have a minor set back this morning. I was organizing out my closet. I've been doing a lot of organizing in general lately to help distract me from the mess my marriage is in. I came across my wedding dress in the back of my closet. I cried for a good ten minutes before, stopping the task at hand. My husband gave me a hug. This was probably the most affection I accepted from him since I found out.

The rest of the day went relatively well except I retreated to the bedroom early and locked him out. I think he wanted to cuddle and watch a movie but I just wanted to sleep.

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