Nothingisperfect Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 (edited) Married 6 years I thought this man was going to be the love of my life, the man I would grow old with, the man I would watch my children grow with, and he tells me a month ago "I can't go on like this anymore, I'm not happy, we always fight and it isn't fair to me or the kids" (all in a nut shell) and now I am moving out in a few weeks in a secured rental. This all happened so fast... what a joke marriage is to some people... I don't think he realizes that when he meets the next "love of his life" that things might be amazing at first, but that down the road, the same problems will reoccur eventually. Nothing stays in the honeymoon faze forever. As we once were... eventually they will fight about stupid things as we were. Eventually life will become a routine and they will be rowing through the motions, and that eventually they will know every single thing about eachother and nothing will be as exciting as it once was. Life is f $#cking hard! You have kids, responsibilities, chores, work! And you don't get to do what you want all the time. Don't get me wrong he is a good man and a good dad. He never went out to bars and come home drunk, he helped keep the house clean and etc... but when he tells me he hasn't been happy for 3 years because of ME! ( short back ground story of the last 3 years - lost our first house - went to court over it - had our first baby - declared bankruptcy - left our carreers - lived in his parents basement for a few months - I went back to school full time - got a job - he got fired from his job - he found a new job just before xmas - had our second child and found out he was blind - numerous appointments and surgeries - found out our first child has autism - he gets in 2 near deaths accidents) I don't think I was the problem. I feel he is being f#$ cking weak and leaving me as an easy way out. Little does he know he can't run away from this. .. end of rant Would love to hear opinions on this story. ... Edited July 21, 2016 by Nothingisperfect 3 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 I feel he is being f#$ cking weak and leaving me as an easy way out. . If it is as you say..that sums it up! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 I completely get where you're coming from. I understand your rage. You don't get to walk away from your life!! Do you both hold a lot of resentment over the things that you listed or can 1 of you be seen as more 'responsible' for your dear child's accidents, bankruptcy.... Do both of you see the really hard things that happened, happened to 'our family' or 'was caused by' one of you? You've got so much going on. I can't imagine. I truly hope that you have a strong support system. I'd be...UGH!!!!!! Have you talked about MC to really work through this & know that you both did everything that you could for your family that has been through so very much? Will he not do that? What I heard loudest from your opening post was "LOVE OF YOUR LIFE". I read pain, agony....I know that feeling. I'm so sorry. I was so depressed & broken. Anger was better! It's one of the stages. For me it's been a life saver at times. Literally. I'm a mother. I couldn't do that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 21, 2016 Share Posted July 21, 2016 (edited) OP have you considered that he may be having an affair? A lot of men won't leave their marriage until they have already lined up a new squeeze. Edited July 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edited out previous spat ~ V 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nothingisperfect Posted July 21, 2016 Author Share Posted July 21, 2016 Yes I am hurt... so hurt... I still love him. We went to 3 conselling session before he had enough and blamed our consellor for taking my side... HE is the one who got in 2 accidents, not the kids. They have special needs but that isn't either of our faults... how long did it take for you to feel better? Get used to being a lone?.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nothingisperfect Posted July 21, 2016 Author Share Posted July 21, 2016 I don't think he would have an affair. That isn't like him... or maybe I'm being naive... Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 I don't think he would have an affair. That isn't like him... or maybe I'm being naive... Well don't bother asking him because he will deny it with every fibre of his being but you might want to look into it. Do some digging and see if anything suspicious turns up. Check your phone bill for excessive texts or calls to the same number. Check emails and text messages on his phone if you can get a hold of it. It is very common for people in affairs to rewrite their marital history and suddenly claim that they have been unhappy for YEARS and turn their spouse into a villain. The way you describe the events he sounds like a man who could very well be having an affair. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 It's heartbreaking but I have noticed that a lot of people with special needs kids seem to have affairs. It's unusual for a man to just run away from his family that's so young & so desperately needs him. It's a weak behavior & weak people rarely leave without a soft place to land. Is he taking medications on a regular basis? Meds he wasn't taking before the last year or so? Maybe I just like to believe that people are better than this. Maybe I just want to find excuses. Not that there's ever an excuse but....ugh!!!! I'm so sorry that you're living through this. It's brutal!! Sorry for the resentment questions. I was just looking for a different 'excuse'. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Jeff1690 Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 I feel your pain. Just started going through this my self with the love of my life and 23 years of marriage down the tubes. I have learned a lot in short time here reading other posts. Don't think my wife is having an affair but am looking into it again. Had a PI follow her a bit no indications but maybe possible OM was out of town. Like you I didn't get married on a whim I was in it for better or worse for a lack of better words and for 22 years it was great! If he walked out on counselling and already has a place set up to stay I think he may have already checked out. But you know your husband we don't. If you think he is worth fighting for go for it. If you know he is done. Start preparing yourself for your and your children's future. Me, I know my wife is done. I am now working on getting my life ready for the next phase. It is hard and I miss her but I will do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 Yes I am hurt... so hurt... I still love him. We went to 3 conselling session before he had enough and blamed our consellor for taking my side... HE is the one who got in 2 accidents, not the kids. They have special needs but that isn't either of our faults... how long did it take for you to feel better? Get used to being a lone?.... OP, have you seen an attorney? If he is set on leaving - and if someone else involved - things can get crazy fast. You need to protect yourself and your children with his departure looming large... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nothingisperfect Posted July 22, 2016 Author Share Posted July 22, 2016 He has never been on meds though I think he should as I always felt he had depression. We both want shared custody. Well... I would LIKE full but I don't think that would be fair to him as he wants to be part off their lives too. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 Hang on a sec - if HE is unhappy, why are YOU moving out? Regarding custody, it doesn't matter what you or he want. Custody is decided on what is best for the kids. Parents wishes come secondary to that. If you haven't seen a lawyer yet then it would certainly make sense to do so, and DEFINITELY do so before moving out! Doing so may disadvantage you later on. First consultation is free so it costs you nothing, there is absolutely no reason NOT to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The_Onceler Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 If you haven't seen a lawyer yet then it would certainly make sense to do so, and DEFINITELY do so before moving out! Doing so may disadvantage you later on. First consultation is free so it costs you nothing, there is absolutely no reason NOT to. ^^^ THIS ^^^ Moving out of the family home can and likely will be construed as abandonment by the family courts. Don't do it if you can help it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MightyPen Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 (edited) I read the "I am moving out in a few weeks in a secured rental" part to be paraphrasing the OP's husband. I could be wrong. And OP, it does sound like he's checked out. I know it must be very hard to emotionally let it go, but it wouldn't seem healthy to try to win him back. You can't win someone back or "fight" for someone who truly wants out. It seems he has made his decision. I'd focus on making the transition as...well I can't say "easy," but as tolerable as possible. You have a lot on your plate...don't add "convince him to stay" to your plate. Edited July 22, 2016 by MightyPen 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 22, 2016 Share Posted July 22, 2016 I read the "I am moving out in a few weeks in a secured rental" part to be paraphrasing the OP's husband. Oh, I took it to be the OP's words since it came after the quote marks enclosing her husband's words. Can you clarify please OP? Who is planning to moving out? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nothingisperfect Posted July 23, 2016 Author Share Posted July 23, 2016 I am the one moving out. We live in a house that we rent. I can't afford the rent there so I decided to move somewhere that I can afford. He is able to afford the house that is rented himself so he wants to stay... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nothingisperfect Posted July 26, 2016 Author Share Posted July 26, 2016 For the last six years my identity was being a wife and than a mom. Now I'm Re-evaluating my hole identity... anyone in the same boat? Have been in the same boat? Any advice or stories? Please share this is hard for me .... Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 Are you happy? Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted July 26, 2016 Share Posted July 26, 2016 For the last 26 years my identity has been girlfriend, wife (20 years), mother (10 years).....my identity? I don't know! The last pathetic looser in the modern world who believes in FAMILY, unconditional love, loyalty, happily ever after & all that bollocks! I don't know! It's so bloody hard isn't it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nothingisperfect Posted July 26, 2016 Author Share Posted July 26, 2016 Sometimes I feel glad that he is the one who ended it... but at the same time I'm not, because we are a family, we are supposed to be together forever. Like yes, we fought a lot sometimes, and yes we have lived through some awful things but so does everybody else. I was willing to put up with all HIS BS because in the end, every relationship has the same ending or pattern. Honeymoon faze, establishment and than power struggles, EVERY FU#@CKING COUPLE GOES THROUGH THIS! NO EXCEPTION!. So yes, maybe I feel a bit happier because we aren't fighting anymore and we are "free" but these are things we could have worked on and gotten good at. So good that maybe we could have fixed what was broken and have a working functioning family. Now I have to find someone else who is going to be willing to stick through it all. Find someone who is strong. A real man! And where am I going to find THAT?! As it is so rare and thought I had one of my own.... Link to post Share on other sites
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